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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DP acting insane?

274 replies

serenities · 26/12/2021 13:09

DP and I don't live together. I am a single parents to DS3 who has a chest infection and rapid breathing, currently waiting for a call back for him to be seen by the out of hours. I also have a chest infection.

I spent Christmas with DP and his family (7 mins away) but I went home around 1 or 2am with DS as he was quite unwell. My house gets messy, I work full time and I am chronically ill and sometimes I just cannot be bothered. The kitchen is messy atm and DP and I were going to do it together on Christmas Eve but didn't have chance due to Christmas prep etc. and barely been home.

DP was going to come over today. I told him over text that I had a chest infection (I get them fairly often so know what it feels like) and that DS was going to be seen by out of hours today but that I was waiting for a call back. He said "oh that's your day written off then, any chance you could clean the kitchen?"

He always says he doesn't like mess and it stresses him out, so prefers when my house is all tidy. Fair enough.

I then said "I've just told you we're both not well?"

He then goes on to say a chest infection doesn't mean I can't clean, mop and wipe down surfaces. He said he would really appreciate it and the mess isn't going anywhere. I told him I'm not going to be doing it today, and to not come over if it's such an issue for him. He said "mess really brings me down" and mentioned how he tidied upstairs all by himself for me. He then went on to say "I want to come over and I want for you to want me to be happy when I'm over".

I'm kept saying, I am not doing it today. He said I've been in pain for the past week so he has done the work for me, but the mess won't go away regardless of how I feel.

I suggested we did the kitchen on Christmas Eve, but it was him who said he was too tired. I mentioned this and he said he would've done it if I had pushed him to.

I told him I hate him telling me what do to, and that you're meant to do nice things for people because you want to, not to throw them back in your face. He thinks the fact I've said he's being controlling etc. is "fucked" and extremely hurtful.

He said he was coming over in that moment, I said no. I don't want you to. He kept saying he was and that he was in his car about to leave, I told him literally over ten times not to come over and that he was not coming in.

At one point he said if he turned up and I didn't answer the door then we were over. I said ok, save yourself the journey we are over now if that's how you feel. Then he said me saying that, was also "fucked".

He now wants to talk over the phone to resolve this. AIBU to tell him to just fuck off? I don't know if I have been a bit of a dick here, I suspect I have.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 26/12/2021 15:40

@Toomuchtoodo

I can’t understand why he doesn’t offer to come round and do it for you if you’re I’ll and looking after a sick DC. That’s what a caring partner would do.

Unless there’s a massive back story and he’s always cleaning for you and has reached the end of his tether?

He thinks she should clean the house when she's ill because it would make him happy.

He's not the kind of bloke to do something for someone else's benefit, is he?

StFrancisdeCompostela · 26/12/2021 15:47

YANBU. The tidiness of your house is not up to him, and him badgering you about it when he wasn’t even there is totally unacceptable.

He sounds like a lot of hard work tbh.

safazz · 26/12/2021 15:48

OP, I’m sorry you’re ill and I hope you feel better soon. Apart from that, I’m not sure what to say. I mean, a 30 minute job to clean the kitchen? To be perfectly honest, it’s probably easier to just do it than be posting on MN. Or waiting for him to come over to ‘do it together.’

Mess does stress some people out, especially dirty dishes on surfaces and things like that. I wouldn’t let anyone in my house if it was like that. Even if I knew my husband was coming home from work or elsewhere, I wouldn’t have dishes out and messy kitchen surfaces for him to come home to (unless I was genuinely bedridden). It would not exactly put him in a good mood for the evening! Also, it’s just unpleasant and gives off an air of low personal standards / not caring. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh and maybe that just me (but I doubt it).

AngryAtAssholes · 26/12/2021 15:56

@safazz oh bless a poor man having his mood ruined because an uncaring woman with low standards doesn’t consider how awful it is for a precious, delicate man to see a dirty dish or a messy kitchen.

We women must always be on watch lest a hint of domestic sluttery offend a man.

I’m sure someone from The Man committee will be along with a shiny new apron and sink chains for you shortly - make sure everything is spit spot first.

I’m sorry if that sounds harsh and maybe that’s just me (but I doubt it).

FizzyTango · 26/12/2021 16:00

@serenities
What the fuck?!! Sorry if I’m late to the posting but your boyfriend is insane. He has no fucking right to tell you how and when to clean your house. Honestly if someone told me even when I’m unwell it’s no excuse not to mop my kitchen i would lose it.
Plus the whole forcing himself that he was going to come over and if you didn’t let him in you are over. What a prick.
Bin him. He actually sounds horrible.

Goldbar · 26/12/2021 16:01

@safazz

. Or maybe your husband could clean the kitchen when he gets home? Just an idea.

Suzanne999 · 26/12/2021 16:11

I totally get chronic illness, chronic fatigue and the endless round of cleaning. You have to prioritise where you spend your energy reserves as they’re limited.
I think if your kitchen and bathroom are “good enough” clean then that’s fine. If you have a dishwasher use that for everything. Bleach sinks and toilets daily and have as little as possible in kitchen.
It’s your house, your standards. If that’s not good enough for him to him to eff off. You don’t need his criticism. He sounds very me, me, me.

BobbieT1999 · 26/12/2021 16:15

Op you might find the spoon analogy useful

mayv.co/article/spoon-theory-explained-chronic-fatigue-survival-guide/

Josette77 · 26/12/2021 16:18

Dump him. Immediately.

But why didn't you clean up on Christmas eve. You say he was too tired but why didn't you do it?

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 26/12/2021 16:18

@mygenericusername

I’ve no real opinion on your relationship. It sounds all very childish tit for tat.

What I will say is living in dirt is no good for either you or your child and could explain some if your health problems.

Utter tripe.

And indicates another that chose not to read OPs posts but to be a self-righteous prig instead!

mbosnz · 26/12/2021 16:25

If I'm sick, I'm not going to be doing anything other than the bare minimum to my standards for myself and my family, not any other fucker who thinks their standards should reign supreme in my goddamned house, to keep house, body and soul, together.

That goes double if my child is also sick - my energy is going to go into keeping my child and myself comfortable, and getting us both better.

That goes triple if this is on top of chronic health conditions that make basic everyday tasks that much harder, take that much more energy, and I'm at the end of a long, rather horrible year, working, keeping myself and my son, and my household together.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 26/12/2021 16:27

Hire a cleaner and he can pay...

Jk987 · 26/12/2021 16:40

It doesn't take both of you to clean up a kitchen. It's a quick job once you get started. You don't live together so you clean your house when you feel better and he clean his.

Confiscatedpopit · 26/12/2021 16:49

To preface- I am very tidy. And have a chronic illness, am a single parent with 3 children- so in theory I should be telling you that you need to get tidying up OP…

But I can’t. This man doesn’t sound nice AT ALL. The kind and thoughtful thing to do would be to come and clean up for you. I would as your kitchen would do my head in and I’d want to help (unless it started happening every visit). This whole ‘I’m motivating you’ speech is pure crap when he knows he’s been on the wrong and it’s bordering on gaslighting. Far too much time invested in this text exchange and wasted energy from you. It sounds very hard work. Maybe you’d have more energy to clean if you removed this rubbish man from your life.

Terfydactyl · 26/12/2021 16:57

@safazz

Fucking hell 1954 called, it wants you back. If your husband would be in a bad mood because dishes went done then he should just do the damn dishes.

girlmom21 · 26/12/2021 16:59

Even if I knew my husband was coming home from work or elsewhere, I wouldn’t have dishes out and messy kitchen surfaces for him to come home to (unless I was genuinely bedridden). It would not exactly put him in a good mood for the evening!

Your husband sounds like a twat and you sound like a mug.

StarryNightSky26 · 26/12/2021 17:07

if I knew my husband was coming home from work or elsewhere, I wouldn’t have dishes out and messy kitchen surfaces for him to come home to (unless I was genuinely bedridden). It would not exactly put him in a good mood for the evening!

Is this from the same article about pleasing your husband that suggests always wearing a smile and a nice dress and doing your hair before the Godly man walks though the door?

Christ, what a way to live.

safazz · 26/12/2021 17:10

What I meant was, if I was too ill to even wash the dishes and wipe the kitchen surfaces over, I wouldn’t be having anyone round.

Most people do not leave the kitchen a mess for 24 hours or overnight. He does not live there. The fact he is even having to mention this to her, shows that he expects it to be a mess.

And no, I would not have a kitchen that is a mess if my husband was coming home. I think most people wouldn’t in real life. That’s not 1950s. It’s just a basic standard of expectation and life.

By the sound of it, he’s already done upstairs for her.

ChargingBuck · 26/12/2021 17:13

Christ on a bike.
You don't even live with the man & he expects you to housemaid FOR HIM?

What a controlling, arrogant dick.

FOJN · 26/12/2021 17:15

It really wouldn't matter if your house actually was a tip, it's your house and you get to decide the standard of housekeeping. It would be different if you lived together but you don't and tbh it doesn't sound as if you would be compatible, you would both be stressed by the different approaches to cleaning and tidying.

I think you need to accept this is an insurmountable problem, if he's being like this when you don't even live together can you imagine what sharing a house would be like. I'd stick with it being over but I would calmly tell him that you are not prepared to keep YOUR house to HIS standards and as he doesn't seem to appreciate his demand for you to clean the kitchen is unreasonable you see no future for the relationship.

If he's that stressed by a bit of untidiness then he should not be pushing to continue the relationship, he will just continue to hector you about housekeeping. Who needs that in their life?

ChargingBuck · 26/12/2021 17:19

I tell him to leave it, that he doesn't need to, that I'll do it etc. but he does. Not every time he's here but he does. And then when we have disagreements he will bring up how much he does for me

Classic 'favour sharking', used by manipulators & controllers the world over. He has zero respect for your home, your boundaries, or you OP.

me4real · 26/12/2021 17:34

I don't think you've been a dick at all, you're ill.

And of course a chest infection can effect whether you can do chores- it can make standing and doing stuff knackering and difficult.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 26/12/2021 17:42

@StellaGibson118 Many people with chronic illnesses use it to understand and have empathy for others. You've chosen it as a stick to beat other people with for being less than you. Congratulations.

Absolutely not! I'm explaining that it's perfectly possible to keep a kitchen under control with a chronic illness if you clean as you go. OP is admitting to choosing not to do it, despite having a child. You can't say something like that and not expect others with severe illnesses to then say "Well I manage it and here's how..."
This is a public forum. Don't put info out there about how you're struggling to do something but then be taken aback when people give perfectly natural responses about they do said task!

Puremule · 26/12/2021 17:46

Cleaning, mopping and wiping down surfaces sounds more dirty than untidy. If it was that bad that you actually had to make a plan with him to clean it on Christmas Eve and here we are on Boxing Day and you still have not done the bare minimum of wiping down surfaces? Surely you are preparing food in this kitchen for your son? I don’t blame him not wanting to come over to that crap. He doesn’t live with you. Why should he have to clean your mess? Do you clean his gaff? Takes 30 seconds to wipe down surfaces so they are hygienic to prepare food. YABU.

me4real · 26/12/2021 17:53

Classic 'favour sharking', used by manipulators & controllers the world over. He has zero respect for your home, your boundaries, or you OP.

Charging is right @serenities , it's manipulative. He doesn't tell you that what he does comes with strings attached, but it does. Have you anyone else that can help you with things?

And him trying to claim he said those things to some how benefit you is an attempt at smooth lying.

It's your place and you effectively have a disability. Tell him you can only keep it to the (completely acceptable, especially given you have a disability and can't easily do it) standards. If he wants it better than that then he can do it as it's his problem, and you genuinely struggle to do this extra thing he wants you to do. You don't have the 'spoons' as you only tolerate doing acertain amount due to your disability.

His effectively saying he'll have to come round less often/won't want to come round so much if you don't do the think he wants (which you pretty much can't, or not without struggling to manage other things you need to do) is also manipulative.

His problem, no-one else's. You can't do it, he can do it as he's the one who has a problem with it. Be firm @serenities - you can't do it and that's that. xx

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