AIBU or is DP acting insane?

[serenities]

DP and I don't live together. I am a single parents to DS3 who has a chest infection and rapid breathing, currently waiting for a call back for him to be seen by the out of hours. I also have a chest infection.

I spent Christmas with DP and his family (7 mins away) but I went home around 1 or 2am with DS as he was quite unwell. My house gets messy, I work full time and I am chronically ill and sometimes I just cannot be bothered. The kitchen is messy atm and DP and I were going to do it together on Christmas Eve but didn't have chance due to Christmas prep etc. and barely been home.

DP was going to come over today. I told him over text that I had a chest infection (I get them fairly often so know what it feels like) and that DS was going to be seen by out of hours today but that I was waiting for a call back. He said "oh that's your day written off then, any chance you could clean the kitchen?"

He always says he doesn't like mess and it stresses him out, so prefers when my house is all tidy. Fair enough.

I then said "I've just told you we're both not well?"

He then goes on to say a chest infection doesn't mean I can't clean, mop and wipe down surfaces. He said he would really appreciate it and the mess isn't going anywhere. I told him I'm not going to be doing it today, and to not come over if it's such an issue for him. He said "mess really brings me down" and mentioned how he tidied upstairs all by himself for me. He then went on to say "I want to come over and I want for you to want me to be happy when I'm over".

I'm kept saying, I am not doing it today. He said I've been in pain for the past week so he has done the work for me, but the mess won't go away regardless of how I feel.

I suggested we did the kitchen on Christmas Eve, but it was him who said he was too tired. I mentioned this and he said he would've done it if I had pushed him to.

I told him I hate him telling me what do to, and that you're meant to do nice things for people because you want to, not to throw them back in your face. He thinks the fact I've said he's being controlling etc. is "fucked" and extremely hurtful.

He said he was coming over in that moment, I said no. I don't want you to. He kept saying he was and that he was in his car about to leave, I told him literally over ten times not to come over and that he was not coming in.

At one point he said if he turned up and I didn't answer the door then we were over. I said ok, save yourself the journey we are over now if that's how you feel. Then he said me saying that, was also "fucked".

He now wants to talk over the phone to resolve this. AIBU to tell him to just fuck off? I don't know if I have been a bit of a dick here, I suspect I have.

@cathotelier

I would speculate that the OP has had cortisone injections into her hip joints for pain relief and to decrease inflammation in the joint.

Just my opinion.

Again, it was not a ‘hip operation’ - she says ‘procedure.’ So let’s suspend judgement on that until such a time as OP may give further details. Same for the ‘underlying health condition.’

I’m not saying she’s not ill. I’m saying I don’t know the extent of it and people seem to be jumping to all sorts of conclusions on here, based on minimal info.

The MIL and PIL who hosted Xmas could be in their 80s for all we know, with all manner of health conditions.

I actually agree that it’s her flat, her mess, her business. I was just trying to point out what his perspective might be and also the likelihood that this situation hasn’t just come out of nowhere in the last few days.

@cathotelier she's told us her chronic condition makes her tired.

She's also a single parent to a toddler.

That's not easy in full health.

You don't need the full story to know the man is a tosser.

Oh, and his perspective grants him free licence to try to emotionally blackmail her into doing what she does not feel able or willing to do, then to say (to paraphrase) that it all came from a position of wuv, then to insist on coming over, regardless of having been asked repeatedly not to, and then to say that if she didn't let him in, they were over?

Regardless of what his perspective is, and whether this situation has come out of nowhere, that is completely unacceptable, and utterly disrespectful, behaviour.

@Puremule

Cleaning, mopping and wiping down surfaces sounds more dirty than untidy. If it was that bad that you actually had to make a plan with him to clean it on Christmas Eve and here we are on Boxing Day and you still have not done the bare minimum of wiping down surfaces? Surely you are preparing food in this kitchen for your son? I don’t blame him not wanting to come over to that crap. He doesn’t live with you. Why should he have to clean your mess? Do you clean his gaff? Takes 30 seconds to wipe down surfaces so they are hygienic to prepare food. YABU.

Have you actually read the OP's post? He was insisting on going round, not refusing! You have added insult to the injury of kicking the poor woman whilst she's down! Ye are indulging in victim-blaming which is indefensible! Its obvious to anyone with any knowledge of the tactics of abusers that he is being manipulative and emotionally abusive. If ye have no experience of abuse, I'm happy for ye, but in such a case, leave it to those of us who have and have come out the other end stronger and wiser, to advise on such matters, as ye are only making matters worse with your judgements and unjust criticisms! I'm fair disgusted with ye TBH! I wish all of ye who are berating her for not being up to your standards would just take a breath and, if ye can't find it in your hearts to to give her a bit of support and comfort, just say nothing!

So let’s suspend judgement on that until such a time as OP may give further details. Same for the ‘underlying health condition

No, let’s do what normal people do and believe her when she says she wasn’t up to tidying up some mess whilst recognising that loving partners support each other in such cases as opposed to insisting that houses that they don’t live in are cleaned for their visits.

His insisting to come round when the OP said don't is absolutely controlling behaviour.

This DP may well be a wanker.

However, when you’re not well, you can feel a bit sensitive and lose perspective as well. Hundreds of posts from strangers telling you your DP is abusive may not be helpful at that time.

He may be - but he may also not be at all. He may just be realising they have different standards and he’s trying to communicate this. Other people might just think, “I can’t cope with more mess again. I’m tired if it. She’ll never change. We’re incompatible. Couldn’t live with someone like that. Let’s call it a day.”

So, do you, or do you not, cathotelier, think that the behaviour described, in my previous post is an acceptable way of 'realising they have different standards and just trying to communicate this?

He he he - try putting the OP foremost in your thoughts. You seem overly invested in defending this man whilst dismissing the OP. It’s very strange.

I see the WiFi connection in Stepford is working.
I do wonder where the Uber HausFraus are finding the time to berate OP in defence of their own rigid lives when a man somewhere might catch sight of a crumb and faint dead away.

@serenities his ‘excuses’ for his behaviour are just that - excuses. You called his bluff and his manipulation backfired. He isn’t sorry, he’s annoyed.
He’ll go back to being more insidious in his manipulations - for now.

You sound like a strong woman with a lot on her plate. Scrape him into the bin where he belongs.

What a strange thread. OP please take some time to rest, get yourself better, get your son better. Then worry about the kitchen. And tell that tosser to piss off.

@serenities

He has said he was pushing me to clean was because he wanted me to clean for myself, but knew I wouldn't if it was to help myself. But I am more likely to do something for others, so he tried to motivate me by getting me to do it for him. But that he wasn't actually bothered if I did it for him or not.

Tbh, this sounds like back peddling to me. That is absolutely not what he said before, it was all about him, how it made him feel, and look what he did, tidying upstairs!

I've had one of these. Awful. Now you've said it's over, stick with it. I think the fact that he pushed you enough that you have already said you're done, speaks volumes.

PLEASE don't take him back.

Yes resort to the 1950s yadda yadda same old same old if it makes you feel better. I’m simply saying that things are rarely black and white in life, more often it’s shades of grey.

So, do you, or do you not, think that the behaviours described, as summarised in my post previous to the one above, are acceptable and reasonable, as a way of communicating that they have realised they have 'different standards'?

No - you’re surmising what a man might think based on absolutely nothing from him in an attempt to defend why he’s attempting to force his partner to clean for his visit, whilst minimising and dismissing what a woman has actually said.

@cathotelier

And I agree with “if he’s not comfortable in her house he doesn’t need to be there.’ This is precisely what will happen / is happening already.

So either some compromise or mutual understanding is reached, or they will just have to accept they are incompatible.

The OP stated "

He said he was coming over in that moment, I said no. I don't want you to. He kept saying he was and that he was in his car about to leave, I told him literally over ten times not to come over and that he was not coming in.

At one point he said if he turned up and I didn't answer the door then we were over. I said ok, save yourself the journey we are over now if that's how you feel. Then he said me saying that, was also "fucked".

Doesn't sound like a man refusing to visit someone's home as he may faint from shock, it sounds like a manipulative man trying to push past someone else's boundaries to me and refusing to take a woman's no for an answer.

Good god never move in with him your life will be a living hell! It’s your house and you are sick looking after a sick kid- none of his concern. Never move him in - you’ll regret it in spades!

I was reading and trying to reply to this thread last night and fell asleep then I couldn't find the thread...

Anyhow I was THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED by the misogynistic, martyred, critical, ignorant and DISABLIST posts by far far far too many pps - some of which I reported and I'm glad to see some of the worst have been deleted!

Op I have severe dx contamination ocd and even I wouldn't behave as he has! I suspect he does have undx ocd it's certainly possible - that's HIS problem not yours

I had a procedure on both hips at the weekend

For posters CONTINUING to slattern shame the op (unnecessarily!) THIS alone is reason to let the chores go to hell for now!

Shame on you all!

I'm particularly shocked by the pps who have chronic illness themselves seemingly thinking because THEY can do x y z so can op!

Everyone's health and bodies are different, even if they have the same conditions!

I have a physical disability too and I have asthma which makes me prone to respiratory system infections.

When I had Covid in sep fuck all got done here for weeks! I did the absolute bare minimum!

Nobody died or was made ill by my doing that! When I was better I blitzed and all was ship shape again

Op are you even MEANT to be on your feet at this point so soon after double hip surgery?!

He's an absolute dick! Bin him off!

I NEVER expect peoples homes to be spotless "in my honour" 🙄 and I've seen some shockers!

I suck it up and enjoy spending time with the people in those homes and then when I get home clothes are straight in the machine and I'm having a wash 🤷‍♀️

When I'm really bad I won't go to certain homes NOT as a judgement on the people in them but because I know I'm not in a place I can cope with it and that's not fair on me or them!

Do you get pip op? When was it last assessed? Sounds like you ought to be on higher rate if you aren't already. Would that make a cleaner more affordable? I've resisted getting one up until now but I'm considering it for the new year.

It also takes time to get one's head around being a disabled person and using the help and equipment available it's a mental shift. It's only in the last 12-18 months or so I've started conceding that I NEED to use various aids and equipment and doing workarounds as to how I do things to make my life manageable. It's a gradual thing.

Yes I get that also applies to ops partner too but he's behaved heinously!

What you do when a partner and their child is ill is provide ACTUAL help! Do chores, make them food and drink to encourage their nutrition, fetch them items they need so they can conserve their energy...

You don't Fucking shame them for a bit of a mess!!!

This thread has been a serious eye opener as to the prejudices and bigotry of certain posters.

AGAIN SHAME ON YOU!

Ffs! What is wrong with people?!

Frankly op I'm annoyed you weren't offered some kind of support at home by council/nhs community care temporarily - you may have been but rejected it that's your choice but I suspect it simply wasn't there due to lack of resources which is also DISGUSTING!

What is this country coming to that
a single parent with her and child sick

a chronic illness

and who's just had surgery on both hips

is expected to just get on with it?!

Outrageous

all the hausfraus & handmaidens scolding OP because they have reading comprehension issues, or feel safer doing the work of the patriarchy by being apologists for nasty controlling men can FRO too.

Damn straight!

But I don't think it's a lack of reading comprehension as some of the worst know the full circumstances and STILL shamed the op!

The shame as I said is theirs!

@cathotelier you're wrong you're just plain wrong he IS abusive!

@Graphista where did you get hip surgery from? OP said 'procedure' not surgery.

'Procedure' or 'Surgery' is handmaiden nitpicking. Whatever it was, it affected OP on top of all her other health issues and poorly child. That should be enough.

@pointythings totally agree! We do not need ops full medical history to know this guy is WAY beyond unreasonable as are a significant minority of pps on the thread