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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP acting insane?

274 replies

serenities · 26/12/2021 13:09

DP and I don't live together. I am a single parents to DS3 who has a chest infection and rapid breathing, currently waiting for a call back for him to be seen by the out of hours. I also have a chest infection.

I spent Christmas with DP and his family (7 mins away) but I went home around 1 or 2am with DS as he was quite unwell. My house gets messy, I work full time and I am chronically ill and sometimes I just cannot be bothered. The kitchen is messy atm and DP and I were going to do it together on Christmas Eve but didn't have chance due to Christmas prep etc. and barely been home.

DP was going to come over today. I told him over text that I had a chest infection (I get them fairly often so know what it feels like) and that DS was going to be seen by out of hours today but that I was waiting for a call back. He said "oh that's your day written off then, any chance you could clean the kitchen?"

He always says he doesn't like mess and it stresses him out, so prefers when my house is all tidy. Fair enough.

I then said "I've just told you we're both not well?"

He then goes on to say a chest infection doesn't mean I can't clean, mop and wipe down surfaces. He said he would really appreciate it and the mess isn't going anywhere. I told him I'm not going to be doing it today, and to not come over if it's such an issue for him. He said "mess really brings me down" and mentioned how he tidied upstairs all by himself for me. He then went on to say "I want to come over and I want for you to want me to be happy when I'm over".

I'm kept saying, I am not doing it today. He said I've been in pain for the past week so he has done the work for me, but the mess won't go away regardless of how I feel.

I suggested we did the kitchen on Christmas Eve, but it was him who said he was too tired. I mentioned this and he said he would've done it if I had pushed him to.

I told him I hate him telling me what do to, and that you're meant to do nice things for people because you want to, not to throw them back in your face. He thinks the fact I've said he's being controlling etc. is "fucked" and extremely hurtful.

He said he was coming over in that moment, I said no. I don't want you to. He kept saying he was and that he was in his car about to leave, I told him literally over ten times not to come over and that he was not coming in.

At one point he said if he turned up and I didn't answer the door then we were over. I said ok, save yourself the journey we are over now if that's how you feel. Then he said me saying that, was also "fucked".

He now wants to talk over the phone to resolve this. AIBU to tell him to just fuck off? I don't know if I have been a bit of a dick here, I suspect I have.

OP posts:
Original poster
serenities · 26/12/2021 14:01

@safazz

I think it’s impossible to say who is BU without having seen the house. Sorry OP.

I once knew someone whose house was really, really bad - as in shocking. She needed motivation and help to even wash a cup. But when she’d done maybe 30 mins cleaning with me, she thought the house was. ‘done.’ But it was still beyond atrocious. Her husband had left her and she blamed him, but frankly, nobody could live with someone like that. Even though she was a lovely person, she just couldn’t see it.

I don’t know what your house is like OP. What do you think he would say if he was on this thread?

My home isn't like that. It also isn't dirty, it can get messy. I do housework. I would feel comfortable having guests over. Not to mention that some of the mess in the kitchen is his too.
OP posts:
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 26/12/2021 14:01

@serenities

He is saying it was a tough love thing, that he was motivating me by pushing me.
Bollocks to that!

I have ME and decided, many, many years ago, that when something had to give it would always be housework that went first.

So I work, I relax with DH, walk the dog and then anything that isn't absolutely essential gets done.

So my house can be dusty, a bit cluttered. Dishwasher almost always needs running. But I don't care. It is clean and tidy enough. And DH does more than his share whenever he is home.

DH has never tried 'tough love' because he knows I do what I can when I can. He's not a fuckwit.

Sadly your OH does seem to be!

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 26/12/2021 14:02

You don’t want tough love though. You didn’t employ him as a motivational coach. You want love. The kind a partner gives.

Chuck this one back in the sea, OP. He’s not worth it.

Cheerbear24 · 26/12/2021 14:03

I’m split on this, on one hand he shouldn’t get a say in how and when you clean your kitchen, but if he’s that uncomfortable with the level of tidiness and cleanliness he’s cleaning it himself, it’s kind of indicating it’s an issue? Is he unreasonable for this?
What kind of level of cleaning are we talking here? I’m no clean freak but my kitchen needs several small tidies plus quick wipe down clean several times a day, and a proper clean each week.

Original poster
serenities · 26/12/2021 14:03

@Storminafeecup

I think you are being very unreasonable He has clearly told you the impact your mess has on his mental health. Why does your recurring Chest infections take priority over his mental health needs. He has already cleaned all your upstairs and you are having a go at him for not helping you clean YOUR kitchen Christmas Eve. Take some responsibility for your own mess. If not for yourself or for him but for your kids. They will grow up hating it too.
Sorry I meant to quote this. Just to add, my son's room is clean and tidy. The house is tidy enough. Always clean.
OP posts:
Dontbeme · 26/12/2021 14:04

@unname

Honestly, I think it’s unreasonable to let the kitchen get that bad. It’s not difficult to tidy up after each meal. It is unusual for anyone to need to come over and clean someone else’s house unless it’s an elderly parent.

I’d be wondering about compatibility as you clearly have different comfort levels around cleanliness.

Or maybe this is just his way to getting little digs in at the OP that she has to "up her game" to keep him happy. First it starts of with her having to clean the house to his standards, then cook to his standards, then dress to his standards, and then that friend of OP is not to his standards. Always keeping more plates spinning, always not quite reaching his standards, always having to try harder. I mean look how lazy the OP is with her child and full time job, her chronic "illness" that leaves her unwell and tired, she is just simply not trying hard enough, right? Or maybe he just wants the OP vulnerable, questioning her ability to cope and easier to manipulate.

Throw this one back OP, leave him happy with a bucket of bleach cleaning his own home.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 26/12/2021 14:05

@cheerbear OP has explained that a few times now. Both why she doesn't constantly clean and the mismatch in expectations.

Original poster
serenities · 26/12/2021 14:05

@Cheerbear24

I’m split on this, on one hand he shouldn’t get a say in how and when you clean your kitchen, but if he’s that uncomfortable with the level of tidiness and cleanliness he’s cleaning it himself, it’s kind of indicating it’s an issue? Is he unreasonable for this? What kind of level of cleaning are we talking here? I’m no clean freak but my kitchen needs several small tidies plus quick wipe down clean several times a day, and a proper clean each week.
He has contributed to the mess in the kitchen. It needs a full clean/tidy. About a 30 min job to have it immaculate, all mopped etc. He is a clean freak and will judge if someone hasn't done a wet dust at their house.
OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 26/12/2021 14:05

One of those posts where we are not being given both sides. I suspect boyfriend is tired of going round to a shit-tip and cleaning up mess that isn't even his.

girlmom21 · 26/12/2021 14:07

If my DP, who lives with me and I've been with for 8 years and is the father of my children, said to me "oh great you'll have time to clean the kitchen then" when I told him both I and one of the children were ill he'd be told to fuck right off then fuck off some more.

If he thought I needed 'motivation' to clean, and thought that acting like an arsehole was a way to encourage me, he'd never see the state of my kitchen again because he'd be living elsewhere.

The only correct response when your partner and their child is ill is "oh no, I hope you feel better soon. Do you need or want anything? X"

Original poster
serenities · 26/12/2021 14:07

@mycatisannoying

One of those posts where we are not being given both sides. I suspect boyfriend is tired of going round to a shit-tip and cleaning up mess that isn't even his.
It isn't a shit tip. I tidy up my mess, it just sometimes takes longer than it takes him. He also contributes to the mess.

His explanation is that he wanted it to be nice and tidy for me to be able to relax, so he was pushing me by saying it was for him, to get me to do it. He even said he knows the house isn't bad, he just can't relax in an environment that is at all messy.

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 26/12/2021 14:08

He is not a kind loving person, is he. A kind person would have wished you and your child well, and checked if you needed anything bringing over or doing. He's a gaslighting shitbag and is on some kind of power trip - I would definitely tell him he was dumped.

Ignore all these posters who aren't taking into account the fact that you have chronic illness, and that your kitchen really isn't that bad, it's just not perfect.

Onehotmessiah · 26/12/2021 14:08

It was hard work reading about it, never mind living it! You are ill so maybe you are slightly overreacting, but to be honest she knows you are ill so should cut you some slack anyway. It sounds like a needlessly long conversation that could have been quite simple- we are ill, the place is a tip so you’ve been warned - then he can come or not come knowing that that’s the situation! You can clean your house when you want to and yes you can tell him to fuck off! Hope you are feeling better soon x

DowntonCrabby · 26/12/2021 14:08

You’ve called it yourself OP, he’s controlling, this is not the man you want for you or your DS. DITCH

It’s not even his fucking house!

Shedmistress · 26/12/2021 14:09

No sack him off.

Not being funny but the absolute worst thing when you can't breathe is cleaning products.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 26/12/2021 14:09

YABU - Having a chest infection alone doesn't prevent a quick kitchen clean up. I have Multiple Schlerosis & Chronic Pain; some days I cannot walk but I still manage to clean up after myself as I'm also a parent - a widowed lone parent and if I don't do it, nobody else will! You shouldn't be letting the kitchen get so bad that it's a big job that takes more than 5/10 mins at the absolute most. Especially when you have a child! Could the mess/dust be the reason why you have a chest infection?

I agree his attitude was out of order but he wasn't wrong in what he was saying.

Grimchmas · 26/12/2021 14:10

His explanation is that he wanted it to be nice and tidy for me to be able to relax, so he was pushing me by saying it was for him, to get me to do it. He even said he knows the house isn't bad, he just can't relax in an environment that is at all messy.

He is gaslighting and changing his story he wants you to clean because a) it botherers him, not you, and b) he wants you to do as you're told like a good little 1950s housewife.

Red flags galore.

girlmom21 · 26/12/2021 14:12

@GrannytoaUnicorn

YABU - Having a chest infection alone doesn't prevent a quick kitchen clean up. I have Multiple Schlerosis & Chronic Pain; some days I cannot walk but I still manage to clean up after myself as I'm also a parent - a widowed lone parent and if I don't do it, nobody else will! You shouldn't be letting the kitchen get so bad that it's a big job that takes more than 5/10 mins at the absolute most. Especially when you have a child! Could the mess/dust be the reason why you have a chest infection?

I agree his attitude was out of order but he wasn't wrong in what he was saying.

She said her house is a mess but it's not dirty. Haven't a chest infection doesn't prevent her cleaning but the fact she doesn't bloody want to means shouldn't have to.

Itll be fine to clean up tomorrow.

Original poster
serenities · 26/12/2021 14:12

@GrannytoaUnicorn

YABU - Having a chest infection alone doesn't prevent a quick kitchen clean up. I have Multiple Schlerosis & Chronic Pain; some days I cannot walk but I still manage to clean up after myself as I'm also a parent - a widowed lone parent and if I don't do it, nobody else will! You shouldn't be letting the kitchen get so bad that it's a big job that takes more than 5/10 mins at the absolute most. Especially when you have a child! Could the mess/dust be the reason why you have a chest infection?

I agree his attitude was out of order but he wasn't wrong in what he was saying.

I am immunocompromised and getting an infection causes my condition to flare. The house isn't bad, it isn't dusty and it isn't dirty. The reason is because I have a shot immune system. Props to you that you're able to clean when you can't even work, but I'm not as good as that.
OP posts:
Tigertigertigertiger · 26/12/2021 14:12

You’re both being unreasonable.
But you are being unreasonable and ill , do it doesn’t count as much 😳

NoraEphronsTurkeyNeck · 26/12/2021 14:13

@mycatisannoying

One of those posts where we are not being given both sides. I suspect boyfriend is tired of going round to a shit-tip and cleaning up mess that isn't even his.
Then boyfriend can stay home. OP is happy with the say her house is and he doesn't get a say.
silverley · 26/12/2021 14:14

@serenities

He is saying it was a tough love thing, that he was motivating me by pushing me.
Oh my word, what a twat to be playing these kind of mind games. I had one like this too, always telling me about all the different ways I wasn't good enough, but it was all for my own good you see! So I could be a better person! But only by doing things exactly how he wanted!

Don't bother talking to him on the phone, he'll only find some way to make you feel worse. Focus on taking care of yourself and your son.

Grimchmas · 26/12/2021 14:14

@GrannytoaUnicorn now YABU. You must, as a fellow chronic illness suffer, know that everybody's experience of chronic illness is different. I'm lucky that mine is quite mild, but I'm sitting here today looking at a carpet I want to get vacuumed (I last did it Xmas eve but presents have since happened!) but if I do that I won't have the energy to make the dinner I've got planned for later on. Neither of us have any idea how bad the OP's experience is or isn't, and 30 minutes to get her kitchen to extremely clean really isn't that bad.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 26/12/2021 14:15

@GrannytoaUnicorn

YABU - Having a chest infection alone doesn't prevent a quick kitchen clean up. I have Multiple Schlerosis & Chronic Pain; some days I cannot walk but I still manage to clean up after myself as I'm also a parent - a widowed lone parent and if I don't do it, nobody else will! You shouldn't be letting the kitchen get so bad that it's a big job that takes more than 5/10 mins at the absolute most. Especially when you have a child! Could the mess/dust be the reason why you have a chest infection?

I agree his attitude was out of order but he wasn't wrong in what he was saying.

OK. So you have one chronic condition, I have another and who knows what OP has.

And look! You clean, I don't do much and OP does as much as she sees fit. Almost as if we are individuals who have made our own choices.

So many judgemental posters on here, some who don't even seem to have read all of OPs posts!

OP, sod them too! If you think you do enough then that's it!

FreeBritnee · 26/12/2021 14:15

My only comment would be.. Is your house sanitary? Is it safe for your child to live in? If the answer is yes to both then he can GTF.

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