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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP acting insane?

274 replies

serenities · 26/12/2021 13:09

DP and I don't live together. I am a single parents to DS3 who has a chest infection and rapid breathing, currently waiting for a call back for him to be seen by the out of hours. I also have a chest infection.

I spent Christmas with DP and his family (7 mins away) but I went home around 1 or 2am with DS as he was quite unwell. My house gets messy, I work full time and I am chronically ill and sometimes I just cannot be bothered. The kitchen is messy atm and DP and I were going to do it together on Christmas Eve but didn't have chance due to Christmas prep etc. and barely been home.

DP was going to come over today. I told him over text that I had a chest infection (I get them fairly often so know what it feels like) and that DS was going to be seen by out of hours today but that I was waiting for a call back. He said "oh that's your day written off then, any chance you could clean the kitchen?"

He always says he doesn't like mess and it stresses him out, so prefers when my house is all tidy. Fair enough.

I then said "I've just told you we're both not well?"

He then goes on to say a chest infection doesn't mean I can't clean, mop and wipe down surfaces. He said he would really appreciate it and the mess isn't going anywhere. I told him I'm not going to be doing it today, and to not come over if it's such an issue for him. He said "mess really brings me down" and mentioned how he tidied upstairs all by himself for me. He then went on to say "I want to come over and I want for you to want me to be happy when I'm over".

I'm kept saying, I am not doing it today. He said I've been in pain for the past week so he has done the work for me, but the mess won't go away regardless of how I feel.

I suggested we did the kitchen on Christmas Eve, but it was him who said he was too tired. I mentioned this and he said he would've done it if I had pushed him to.

I told him I hate him telling me what do to, and that you're meant to do nice things for people because you want to, not to throw them back in your face. He thinks the fact I've said he's being controlling etc. is "fucked" and extremely hurtful.

He said he was coming over in that moment, I said no. I don't want you to. He kept saying he was and that he was in his car about to leave, I told him literally over ten times not to come over and that he was not coming in.

At one point he said if he turned up and I didn't answer the door then we were over. I said ok, save yourself the journey we are over now if that's how you feel. Then he said me saying that, was also "fucked".

He now wants to talk over the phone to resolve this. AIBU to tell him to just fuck off? I don't know if I have been a bit of a dick here, I suspect I have.

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 26/12/2021 13:41

Aside from him being a twat - On the cleaning front I used to be incredibly messy and now manage to keep a consistently tidy house - I highly recommend Dana K White aka A Slob Comes Clean

Original poster
serenities · 26/12/2021 13:42

@SantasGotABigOne

Putting aside your DP issues,

It sounds like you have an issue with the upkeep of cleanliness or your house/kitchen?
If you cleaned as you go along, you wouldn't be posting here. Saying you're a single Mum doesn't excuse your mess either. I've have plenty of single mum friends with more than one child whose ki

I am chronically ill and all my energy goes on my work. I'm often off sick. My house isn't dirty and it isn't even overly messy, just to his standards.
OP posts:
Freddiefox · 26/12/2021 13:42

I think the whole things a bit strange, how messy is it, and why does he need to help you clean your house.

That’s said if he’s uncomfortable in the mess he doesn’t have to come round either.

If you want to continue the relationship probably talk to him, if you don’t then fuck off is fine.

BobbieT1999 · 26/12/2021 13:42

@SantasGotABigOne she also said she has a chronic illness. I'm assuming you don't understand what this is like to live with but no need to shame her.

unname · 26/12/2021 13:43

Honestly, I think it’s unreasonable to let the kitchen get that bad. It’s not difficult to tidy up after each meal. It is unusual for anyone to need to come over and clean someone else’s house unless it’s an elderly parent.

I’d be wondering about compatibility as you clearly have different comfort levels around cleanliness.

NorthSouthcatlady · 26/12/2021 13:44

Your house, your child and your rules. You are more polite than me, l would have told him to piss off. Is he always so bossy, interfering and controlling? I have just had covid for the 2nd time, the house is not looking at his best but there you go. Chest infections take it out of you. Look after yourselves

Original poster
serenities · 26/12/2021 13:44

@Freddiefox

I think the whole things a bit strange, how messy is it, and why does he need to help you clean your house.

That’s said if he’s uncomfortable in the mess he doesn’t have to come round either.

If you want to continue the relationship probably talk to him, if you don’t then fuck off is fine.

It really isn't that messy. A 30 min job to get it sparkling I would say. The rest of the house is fine.
OP posts:
SantasGotABigOne · 26/12/2021 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
serenities · 26/12/2021 13:46

@unname

Honestly, I think it’s unreasonable to let the kitchen get that bad. It’s not difficult to tidy up after each meal. It is unusual for anyone to need to come over and clean someone else’s house unless it’s an elderly parent.

I’d be wondering about compatibility as you clearly have different comfort levels around cleanliness.

It isn't bad. He also doesn't HAVE to clean, he's a clean freak and likes to tidy up when he's here. My home is fine and it's not dirty or anything. I do do house work, it can just get messy
OP posts:
AbandonedCharacter · 26/12/2021 13:46

His only suggestion should have been for you to take it easy and look after yourselves! Who cares about the kitchen when unwell.

serenities · 26/12/2021 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted as it quotes a deleted post.

AngelinaFibres · 26/12/2021 13:50

@SpacePotato

He is showing you who he is OP.

The fact his concern was not for your sick child but for your bloody kitchen says it all.

You are not compatible. It is good to keep the house clean and tidy but for yourself and the ease and pleasure of your life not him. It is not good to be cleaning when you are ill. Time to have a clear out and a tidy up of many things Op. First one is him. Happy New Year.
unname · 26/12/2021 13:52

Got it. I’m married to one of these! Tell him his standards aren’t normal and you don’t have the energy right now. Has he had any counseling?

Ourlady · 26/12/2021 13:53

He's not worth all this angst OP. If your cleanliness/tidyness isnt good enough for him then tough shit.

Original poster
serenities · 26/12/2021 13:54

He is saying it was a tough love thing, that he was motivating me by pushing me.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/12/2021 13:54

He also doesn't HAVE to clean, he's a clean freak and likes to tidy up when he's here.

Then stop letting him do it. Otherwise you're giving him mixed messages.

The cleanliness of your house is none of his business, so don't make it so by allowing him to clean it for you.

mbosnz · 26/12/2021 13:55

What a grade A twat. BTB.

Your house, your kid, your standards, your rules. If he's uncomfortable in that, then that's a him problem, that he is seeking to make yours.

Original poster
serenities · 26/12/2021 13:56

@WorraLiberty

He also doesn't HAVE to clean, he's a clean freak and likes to tidy up when he's here.

Then stop letting him do it. Otherwise you're giving him mixed messages.

The cleanliness of your house is none of his business, so don't make it so by allowing him to clean it for you.

I tell him to leave it, that he doesn't need to, that I'll do it etc. but he does. Not every time he's here but he does. And then when we have disagreements he will bring up how much he does for me
OP posts:
MMMarmite · 26/12/2021 13:56

@serenities

He is saying it was a tough love thing, that he was motivating me by pushing me.
"tough love" sounds a good excuse for abusive behaviour. You are an independent adult. You do not want or need someone else to control you.
Thwackit · 26/12/2021 13:56

It’s not his house and he doesn’t live with you so he gets zero say in it. He also doesn’t get to tell you that you will be cleaning it for him. Who does he think he is?!

Storminafeecup · 26/12/2021 13:57

I think you are being very unreasonable
He has clearly told you the impact your mess has on his mental health. Why does your recurring Chest infections take priority over his mental health needs.
He has already cleaned all your upstairs and you are having a go at him for not helping you clean YOUR kitchen Christmas Eve. Take some responsibility for your own mess. If not for yourself or for him but for your kids. They will grow up hating it too.

safazz · 26/12/2021 13:58

I think it’s impossible to say who is BU without having seen the house. Sorry OP.

I once knew someone whose house was really, really bad - as in shocking. She needed motivation and help to even wash a cup. But when she’d done maybe 30 mins cleaning with me, she thought the house was. ‘done.’ But it was still beyond atrocious. Her husband had left her and she blamed him, but frankly, nobody could live with someone like that. Even though she was a lovely person, she just couldn’t see it.

I don’t know what your house is like OP. What do you think he would say if he was on this thread?

Original poster
serenities · 26/12/2021 13:59

I think you are being very unreasonable
He has clearly told you the impact your mess has on his mental health. Why does your recurring Chest infections take priority over his mental health needs.
He has already cleaned all your upstairs and you are having a go at him for not helping you clean YOUR kitchen Christmas Eve.

He doesn't live with me though? He's also not even at my house right now? He didn't clean all of my upstairs, he gave it a tidy around. It was fine before. I also did not have a go at him for not helping me clean my kitchen on Christmas Eve, I haven't said that anywhere? My chest infections also have nothing to do with it, I was just saying that to explain why I know I have one.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/12/2021 14:00

I tell him to leave it, that he doesn't need to, that I'll do it etc. but he does. Not every time he's here but he does. And then when we have disagreements he will bring up how much he does for me

Even more reason to tell him he's not allowed to do it again.

LopsidedWombat · 26/12/2021 14:00

I think people missed the bit where OP says she has a chronic illness. Can't be bothered when you have a chronic illness essentially means something basic requires an unreasonable amount of energy for the size of the task and if you push yourself to do it, the energy would be depleted so something more important won't get done. You have to prioritise constantly.

The fact your partner obviously doesn't understand this about you OP makes me wonder if you need to spell it out to him and if you already have perhaps you're just not compatible if he's unable to be understanding that a sparkling kitchen isn't your main priority. That last part about him insisting on coming over and leaving you if you don't let him in... Unless this is an isolated incident I personally just couldn't put up with that, it sounds incredibly draining.

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