Why do I degrade myself?

DramaAlpaca · 25/12/2021 23:49

Interested in the answers because I do this too.

Original poster

Anon11119 · 25/12/2021 23:52

@DramaAlpaca thank you. I’m glad I’m not alone! Hopefully we get some good answers. I feel so stupid and annoyed with myself now that DH pointed it out to me. Can’t stop cringing all the times I’ve done this.

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SoniaFouler · 25/12/2021 23:52

You may not like this answer, but I’ve known people like this and IMO it’s not because they’re conscious about other people feeling bad at all, this is all about you and how you wish to be portrayed to others.

Original poster

Anon11119 · 25/12/2021 23:52

@DramaAlpaca can you give some examples of what you say/do if you don’t mind.

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Original poster

Anon11119 · 25/12/2021 23:54

@SoniaFouler interesting. But not sure why I want to portray myself as poor when they all know me and DH have high earning jobs. Maybe there is something in what you say but I’m not sure.

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TheGoodEnoughWife · 25/12/2021 23:57

I do a similar thing. Not with money/cost of things but more that I laugh and joke that I am unorganised or not very good at things. I have found then that people think I am unorganised and not very good at things!

I put myself down in a jokey way and then people believe my 'jokes' and think poorly of me.

I really wish I could stop!

SportsMother · 25/12/2021 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ComtesseDeSpair · 25/12/2021 23:57

I think point 2 is kind and courteous rather than degrading: it’s presumably intended to protect the feelings of others who can’t afford what you have, and prevent upsetting children. That’s a nice attitude to have.

Point 1 is odd (why waste money on designer items if you’re then going to pretend they’re fake?) but again, are you degrading yourself or are you just embarrassed to have spent a lot of money on something a lot of people would think tacky and showing off? Point 3 I suppose somewhat similar. I’d call this less degrading and more not confident enough to own your lifestyle choices and stop caring that others might perceive them as wasteful / lavish / too expensive.

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 25/12/2021 23:57

OP - do you have a lifestyle wealthier than what you grew up in?

I wonder if internally you feel guilty/self conscious for living a more luxurious life than you perceive those around you to have?

TiddlesTheTiger · 25/12/2021 23:58

Sorry I have no helpful advice but the first step is realising that you do it.

If I realised someone had told me a meaningless lie like this I'd feel quite hurt because it'd feel like a lack of trust in me (even tho the lie has no real effect).
Could it help if you thought about people possibly being hurt in that way, instead of by the things you think they might be?

pinkyredrose · 25/12/2021 23:58

I don't think you're degrading yourself, i think it's a sign of insecurity. Or you could be overly invested in what people think of you.

MistletoeHolly · 25/12/2021 23:59

@Anon11119

DH said something today which has made me think. He said I subtly degrade myself around others whilst they “big themselves up”. I can’t really chat to anyone else so would like other people’s opinions on whether he’s right and some insight/advice on why I do it and how to stop.

Just this weekend for example: 1) Dsis compliments me on my bag and I tell her it’s fake, it’s not but that came out of my mouth automatically. 2) Presents - I got my kids to open presents before they saw family and just took two presents to get together where we decided cousins would open all their presents. In my Mind I did this as felt bad incase we got more expensive stuff for our kids and didn’t want others to feel bad. 3) DH told them we planning to go on holiday in April and it’s booked depending on how covid plays out. I again made a comment that we got a really cheap deal - not actual fact.

I do this A LOT with everyone abs not just family and have millions of other scenarios. In all scenarios I do it out of guilt I think and feel highly conscious others might be feeling bad.

This is the sign of a nice humble person in my opinion and you are sensitive to other peoples feelings - i.e. you don’t want to make others feel bad. Possibly somewhere in your past someone made you feel guilty for having nice things or what they perceived as better situation/things than them; now you have a guilt syndrome. I would much rather someone like you than a gloating bragger who (consciously or not) enjoys making others feel inferior

JustJoinedRightNow · 25/12/2021 23:59

OP I do this too. I grew up poor and my parents are still poor to some extent. My DH and I both have high earning jobs (which I left to be a SAHM) so I feel a lot of guilt. It wasn’t the done thing growing up to splash cash around and I think the downplaying how much things cost etc is something my mum used to do when we were growing up.
I make a conscious effort now to stop doing that. If someone compliments your bag/skirt/dress etc just say thanks. And if you can’t only say thanks (like me, I could talk for England) I add on something like “thanks, it’s one of my favorites”

SoniaFouler · 26/12/2021 00:00

I didn’t say poor. Although there was a recent thread titled something like “why do people pretend to be poor” (I didn’t read it) so maybe you’d recognise some behaviour in it.

Your post is all about what people think of you. I don’t think it’s from a place of concern for others, but a place of concern for yourself aka “how would this reflect on me?

MistletoeHolly · 26/12/2021 00:00

@FriendshipsAreHardForMe

OP - do you have a lifestyle wealthier than what you grew up in?

I wonder if internally you feel guilty/self conscious for living a more luxurious life than you perceive those around you to have?

Yes 🙌 this ^ was along the lines I was thinking

DickMabutt73962 · 26/12/2021 00:00

I've read somewhere that women tend to do this a lot, though I can't remember why. I do it too, for me I simply cannot bear a compliment; sometimes I go so far to prove it's no big deal that I think I end up offending the person paying it

Perhaps I think that degrading the thing being complimented balances it out because I don't somehow see myself as worthy of anything to be admired? 🤔

Original poster

Anon11119 · 26/12/2021 00:01

Thank you all! I knew I’d get good responses. I’m thinking of some questions posed. I think the reactions if I “owned” up to things would be patronising responses like “well lucky for some!” But it’s not luck I work really hard and sacrifice a lot of family time for work.

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MysteriousMonkey · 26/12/2021 00:01

I do this too. I know I have a lot more than some of my friends and deliberately down play everything... But even before these friends I always did. I think it's because where I grew up if you dared to be anything other than downtrodden you were determined up yourself and immediately taken down. I had a tough first year in seniors when it was decided my accent was too posh (pretty laughable as its really not) etc and learnt quickly then how to fit in.

MaxNormal · 26/12/2021 00:01

I wouldn't use the word degrade, that's a bit string! It's not like you're blowing tramps down an alley or something.

You are self-deprecating or self-effacing.

BourbonScreams · 26/12/2021 00:02

Sorry OP I agree with @SoniaFouler. I don't know why people do this but in my experience it just makes those who are struggling/have struggled for money think you're ungrateful. At least that's how it makes me and the people I know feel. Obviously you don't have to boast but people know what you're doing.

Original poster

Anon11119 · 26/12/2021 00:02

@DickMabutt73962 you’ve put it into such good words! I do same definitely.

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Cocoabutterformula · 26/12/2021 00:02

I'm a bit the same, don't want to be perceived as showing off and definitely want to make the other person feel more comfortable. I'd hate to come across as patronising though. Life is a minefield.

CheeseMmmm · 26/12/2021 00:04

My guess is-

You've consumed and internalised the idea some time prob when younger. Along lines of-

It's terrible to be a show off. Nobody likes a show off.

People really close making nasty comments about certain/all 'types' of wealthy people.

It's really mad manners to flaunt that doing well financially.

Showing off material things is a sign of inadequacy/ insecurity.

It's rude/ thoughtless what if it shows others up/ makes them feel bad/ causes issues with children X has y why can't I.

Money isn't everything nice material things are show of frivolity/vanity/skewed priorities in life.

Really horrible one-

You don't feel you deserve the things and/ or that others will think that.

Cocoabutterformula · 26/12/2021 00:04

I can take a compliment though

MistletoeHolly · 26/12/2021 00:05

@SoniaFouler

You may not like this answer, but I’ve known people like this and IMO it’s not because they’re conscious about other people feeling bad at all, this is all about you and how you wish to be portrayed to others.

Well, even if this rather negative view is true, it shows the signs of a sensitive soul who cares what people think and just wants to be liked.