Why do I degrade myself?

[Anon11119]

DH said something today which has made me think. He said I subtly degrade myself around others whilst they “big themselves up”. I can’t really chat to anyone else so would like other people’s opinions on whether he’s right and some insight/advice on why I do it and how to stop.

Just this weekend for example: 1) Dsis compliments me on my bag and I tell her it’s fake, it’s not but that came out of my mouth automatically. 2) Presents - I got my kids to open presents before they saw family and just took two presents to get together where we decided cousins would open all their presents. In my Mind I did this as felt bad incase we got more expensive stuff for our kids and didn’t want others to feel bad. 3) DH told them we planning to go on holiday in April and it’s booked depending on how covid plays out. I again made a comment that we got a really cheap deal - not actual fact.

I do this A LOT with everyone abs not just family and have millions of other scenarios. In all scenarios I do it out of guilt I think and feel highly conscious others might be feeling bad.

Based on these comments I think you can’t really win. I think the OP mentioned getting some “must be nice” comments.

For anyone that feels insulted about people downplaying the cost of their possessions, why continue commenting on the watch, the handbag, the car, etc? Compliments are meant to make people feel good but anyone who is reacting this way obviously does not enjoy the attention.

Also, I find these compliments often come in the form of “I always wanted one of those.” Which just makes the receiver feel bad, obviously.

I think this OP is the exact reason people like to obfuscate with respect to their own good fortunate.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4438037-Help-me-not-be-that-smug-parent

@Dillydollydingdong

I'm not too keen on people who ascribe their successes to "hard work". Lots of people work hard but get nowhere on the career/ money ladder. It takes luck as well - being in the right place at the right time, knowing the right people, getting the right job offers etc.

Yes, I agree with this. You can work as hard as possible but if the opportunities don't open up for you (often luck) then you don't necessarily advance. Equally you can be lucky in knowing people, being in the right place etc., but if you THEN don't work hard you are unlikely to continue to advance.

The combination of hard work and luck is what usually creates success.

But it's also hard to know your audience - if they're good friends then you probably do know well enough what their circumstances are, and how they're likely to react. Ditto family. But randos at work or at a party or whatever - safer to play it down, or just say "thank you, I like it" than to make any assumptions.

It's not ^patronising" or thinking t hat you are "better than them" - it's trying to avoid causing negative feelings in the other person.

Yes the 'hard work', ignoring luck line is obnoxious, always.

That doesn't remove the social, even moral duty to enjoy your good fortune with good grace, to show appreciation and gratitude, however it was accumulated.

Imagine being less well off and really, really wanting to make enough money, somehow, to afford nice handbags, clothes and holidays. Thinking about how much you would enjoy those things. Maybe entering competitions, buying lottery tickets, in the hope of winning them.

Then you meet up with your better-off relatives, who have many of the things you long for. You admire their lovely handbag and holiday, thinking about how wonderful it must be to have these things. Instead of saying 'well thank you, it is wonderful isn't it, I'm very lucky', they pretend not to have the lovely thing, blatantly lie about it, say they don't enjoy it very much anyway, pretend the very desirable holiday is affordable to just about anyone who cuts out a few coupons.

What a horrible slap in the face. If they despise their own good fortune so much, why don't they give it away to someone who would appreciate it?

I know that isn't OP's situation exactly, in terms of her family background. But it is a normal situation, where a less well off person admires a better off person's lovely things.

As for OP, isn't it time to allow yourself a bit of a gloat over your unpleasant sister? Yes you do have the nice things and she cannot steal them any more. Following the generally acceptable 'gracious enjoyment' line will do you no harm.

It’s because you’re thoughtful, empathic and sensitive. I think the idea that you ‘degrading’ yourself isn’t quite right; it’s not even self-deprecating as you aren’t putting yourself down (eg saying you’re an idiot or tight). You are simply keeping things low key and aren’t gloating or boasting. I think you seem nice

*you’re

I do this. The 1 time I didn't was when my OH won £1000 on postcode lottery. We had had a really bad year money wise because of covid but we have no mortgage as we are older with grownup kids. Put the win on our family WhatsApp group. My nephews wife came back with some really awful comments about why should we win it, money goes to money, its not fair etc. Will never post anything except banal from now on.

@Kidsfortea

I do this. The 1 time I didn't was when my OH won £1000 on postcode lottery. We had had a really bad year money wise because of covid but we have no mortgage as we are older with grownup kids. Put the win on our family WhatsApp group. My nephews wife came back with some really awful comments about why should we win it, money goes to money, its not fair etc. Will never post anything except banal from now on.

Sorry you had that experience, @Kidsfortea. SOme people can never be nice about others' good fortune, however it's come by.

I can never get over the people who bitch about mobility cars - as in "why should they get free cars" etc. [NB I KNOW they're not free!] - sure they'd love to have the disabilities that create the need for a mobility car, but they can't see that, they just see someone else getting something more than they're getting and it's "unfair" in their eyes because they're selfish grasping fuckers.

I bought myself a £2k Longines watch last year. I had wanted it for a long time, I worked and saved hard for five years to buy it.

I view it as a piece of functional jewellery that will outlive me and hopefully my niece, who will inherit it, will also enjoy it.

Do you know what I say when people compliment me on it (which doesn't happen terribly often, because although it's a nice watch, it's fundamentally a watch)?

I say 'thank you', and we move on.

OMG, apologies for lack of Oxford comma. Clearly, I do not wish for my watch to outlive my niece!

@AffIt

OMG, apologies for lack of Oxford comma. Clearly, I do not wish for my watch to outlive my niece!

- don't worry, I, at least, read it the way you intended it!

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

LOL @Affit. I think you are allowed to drop the Oxford comma given that your subordinate clause clarifies what will happen to your niece.