Why do I degrade myself?

[Anon11119]

DH said something today which has made me think. He said I subtly degrade myself around others whilst they “big themselves up”. I can’t really chat to anyone else so would like other people’s opinions on whether he’s right and some insight/advice on why I do it and how to stop.

Just this weekend for example: 1) Dsis compliments me on my bag and I tell her it’s fake, it’s not but that came out of my mouth automatically. 2) Presents - I got my kids to open presents before they saw family and just took two presents to get together where we decided cousins would open all their presents. In my Mind I did this as felt bad incase we got more expensive stuff for our kids and didn’t want others to feel bad. 3) DH told them we planning to go on holiday in April and it’s booked depending on how covid plays out. I again made a comment that we got a really cheap deal - not actual fact.

I do this A LOT with everyone abs not just family and have millions of other scenarios. In all scenarios I do it out of guilt I think and feel highly conscious others might be feeling bad.

I put myself down a lot because I'm insecure. I have actual reasons to be though - I've got a smaller house than all of my friends, I've got a bit of a crappy job, I'm a bit generally 'useless' like I didn't drive for years and year because I was scared etc and have anxiety about a lot of things, my family and I haven't been in contact for nearly a decade etc etc etc

I am actually quite happy and have lovely kids and a fantastic husband but the above makes me feel like I will be judged, so I sort of judge myself first.

What you're doing OP is the opposite. You secretly think you're better than everyone else and that they will be jealous, so you downplay your 'success' so they don't feel bad.

What I do is very common and quite normal among women I think. What you're doing is a bit strange- pretending your handbag is fake? I don't get it.

I used to do this but now if someone compliments me I’ve learned to say Thank you.
That’s all, I don’t say anything else.

I got cured of it in the US
'I just loooove your shoes/ bag / coat.'
I would mumble some deprecating reply - complimentor would look confused.

I now know the answer is ---thank you , it's not hard!

It sounds like you are just uncomfortable with your good fortune and material wealth. I wouldn’t call it degrading or deprecating - just minimizing due to discomfort.

And frankly I think it’s fair to feel uncomfortable. People gush over things in a weird way sometimes and who knows what to say? You didn’t make the hand bag yourself, just happen to own it. Obviously you aren’t minimizing these things to someone you know also has the means to purchase them. But you do have to stop this and lean to just smile and say “Thank you.”

And I don’t see anything wrong with not taking all of the presents. That’s just good manners.

I think you're sensitive and considerate towards others and their feelings, it isn't a bad way to be, people who brag a lot are APITA there is a happy medium.

Practice with yourself just saying thank you, once rehearsed it is easier to do.

We all do it with clothing "this old thing" after a compliment that would include handbags.

Didn't realise the handbag was genuine, that's silly pretending it is fake.

Yeah this is so common among women. Theres a reason although I forget what the reason is now.

I too have trained myself out of it mostly, except for a last years purchase of a coat that just looks fantastic on me. So many people have told me this that it must be true. However I did wait a very long time for the price to reduce in the sales so I'm happy to say that. But more generally if I get a compliment I just say thank you. Nothing more, change the subject if needed.

I found it much much easier to compliment others! And I like people
to be happy, and my god an honest compliment makes so many women just BEAM

This ^ is so very true, I passed a wedding party earlier this year, bridesmaids were taking a couple of guests across to a venue and I told both bridesmaids that they looked beautiful because they did, and they both sort of glowed after I said it. Another woman in the most gorgeous dress and I told her the dress looked stunning on her and you could see her swell up with confidence. So I much prefer to say nice but honest compliments to others now.

I used to do similar, OP - but not with material things, more my achievements both professionally and personally etc. I found I played the fool in a lot of my friendships during my 20s. I did this because I thought putting myself down and hiding how I was doing made others feel good about themselves, not in a nasty way - more say, if a friend was having a bad break up, I’d let them know how useless I was in love (true) and had never had a relationship etc. I would purposefully tell jokes at my expense and never speak of my achievements, mainly because I didn’t feel I needed to, I knew deep down I was doing okay.

As I have moved into my 30s, I realised that a lot of friends around me did enjoy speaking of their achievements and why not? It’s also a lot harder to ‘hide’ what I’ve achieved. I realised it was okay to be proud and speak of your success, and real friends would like to hear about you doing well. Now when a colleague or friend comments on something I’ve done or I’ve got I really enjoy saying Thankyou instead of some garbled reply about how it’s not that great

I don’t know where my confusion between being humble and too self depreciating came from.

@Anon11119

Thank you all! I knew I’d get good responses. I’m thinking of some questions posed. I think the reactions if I “owned” up to things would be patronising responses like “well lucky for some!” But it’s not luck I work really hard and sacrifice a lot of family time for work.

Lot's of people work really hard, have to sacrifice family time for work, but are not highly paid. It is good to recognise that while you feel you 'earned' your circumstances, other folk through bad luck or the actions of others are in difficult situations that they did not deserve. Appreciating the role good fortune has played in your life doesn't negate you saying, "but I worked hard and sacrificed for what I have". It does however acknowledge that some people have hard lives despite doing their best.

*Lots

I think it might also be a desire to be liked.
Others won't like someone they are jealous of. But the thing is that's their problem - jealousy - not yours.

@CheeseMmmm

My guess is-

You've consumed and internalised the idea some time prob when younger. Along lines of-

It's terrible to be a show off. Nobody likes a show off.

People really close making nasty comments about certain/all 'types' of wealthy people.

It's really mad manners to flaunt that doing well financially.

Showing off material things is a sign of inadequacy/ insecurity.

It's rude/ thoughtless what if it shows others up/ makes them feel bad/ causes issues with children X has y why can't I.

Money isn't everything nice material things are show of frivolity/vanity/skewed priorities in life.

Really horrible one-

You don't feel you deserve the things and/ or that others will think that.

I do it too and i agree with this.

Interesting. I do this too. An acquaintance admired my watch and bag a while back - I told her the watch was a copy and the stones were cubic zirconia (it’s not and actually cost me four figures- it’s the most expensive thing I’ve ever bought myself). I said I’d found the bag in a discount store like tk maxx (not true). What’s worse is that the conversation morphed into clothes and fashion in general and I then lied and said my coat was M&S when it was actually from MaxMara and talked about bargain shopping, cheap stores etc (all true), but didn’t mention any of the higher end places I like. I’ve no idea why as although I am comfortable she is seriously wealthy and buys extremely expensive stuff. I rarely talk about clothes or shopping but in the context of this particular conversation it would have been okay.

I’ve played down jobs, my background, my abilities in all sorts. I always emphasise the things I’m rubbish at, which is pretty damaging.

I suspect it’s a self confidence thing. My parents were (and still are, though they’ve mellowed a bit) sticklers for excellent manners, good etiquette and for treating the lowest person in any situation as well as the highest. All good things, but as a naturally anxious person I tend to take it too far and will act with complete deference or self-deprecation as I get so anxious about causing offence. It’s tough for sure.

I really have a problem with your DH’s choice of words: degrade.. I don’t believe you are degrading yourself I think you are trying to be humble to save other people’s feeling and perhaps save yourself from their responses? I think it’s about confidence, about not feeling like an imposter. Definitely be comfortable with your good fortune, be humble but don’t be so quick to offer answers that are untrue.

I think your intentions as good OP but if I'm honest I find it really irritating when I'm on the receiving end of someone who does this.
When someone starts being awkward and evasive in this way when talking about really mundane things it puts me right off! Like I care whether your bag is designer or not, good for you if it is! It's just a bloody bag. The assumption that I would be upset about it is offensive. I find it really disingenuous and patronising. I think people who do this are quite self centered.

@luinagreine

My sil does this. Lies constantly about how much things cost, pretends she got a really good deal, pretends she bought things second hand etc I don't know why she does it but because I know she lies frequently I don't trust her at all and keep her at arms length. We earn more than she does so I can't imagine it is to protect our feelings.

I'd try your best to rein in the lies, not because you are 'degrading yourself' but because usually it is transparent and people just wonder why the fuck you keep lying to their face

I would see it as lying too and would struggle to trust you. Others have given insightful reasons as to why you may engage in this behaviour, which are interesting but nonetheless I’d think 🙄here comes Pinocchio every time I saw you.

You could practice not doing it. So if someone compliments your handbag, just say thanks. You don’t need to explain it. Or if someone says about the holiday being expensive, sat, thanks we’ve worked reslly hard this year to afford it/make it happen or whatever. What would it feel like if you said those things?

I see a lot of pop psychology answers! I think being self depricating is actually a cultural norm and the basis for the British sense of humour too!
Wouldnt overthink this at all ... x

You deliberately dim your light to:

1. Fit in
2. Not stand out or be different
3. Be liked and accepted

Teach yourself one encounter at a time to either keep quiet (or just say thank you) or tell the truth

Shine brightly, don't tarnish who you are

I've tried to cure myself of this... It's a very British thing to do but it massively inauthentic and doesn't make for having a real connection with the other person if you're constantly fudging and apologizing.

So for example, if someone says, "I like you dress"

Rather than "this is ancient!" Or "it was only a tenner"

I say "thanks, it's my favourite!" Or something like that.

Or if they say, "you're so good at x" (usually something to do with dance)

I'll say "thanks! It took bloody ages to learn that part!"

It's just practice.

@Bigbonesmeatandgravy

I think your intentions as good OP but if I'm honest I find it really irritating when I'm on the receiving end of someone who does this. When someone starts being awkward and evasive in this way when talking about really mundane things it puts me right off! Like I care whether your bag is designer or not, good for you if it is! It's just a bloody bag. The assumption that I would be upset about it is offensive. I find it really disingenuous and patronising. I think people who do this are quite self centered.

Maybe don't compliment that person then if you know it makes them awkward and evasive?

What did your parents say about ‘show offs’ or ‘braggers’ when you were younger?

Your thread title's misleading. You're not 'degrading yourself'. I thought you meant showing a lack of self-respect. You and your material possessions are not identical. You're downplaying the amount of money you've spent on stuff. (And as far as your later post goes, I'm sure you do work hard but there is always an element of luck in prosperity in an unequal society. We're comfortable and work hard too but are perfectly happy to acknowledge the contribution of luck in all sorts of ways).

It does seem you're overly conscious - more so than the people in the scenarios you relate who you imagine will be affected - of what you spend/signs of affluence. If you're as at ease with your affluence as the 'I work hard' comment suggests, then you shouldn't be doing this. Tbh it appears a bit performative and if I were a family member of yours (so obv knowing a bit about your circumstances) I wouldn't necessarily be buying the 'it's fake'/'cheap deal' stuff and would be wondering why you felt the need to reference your wealth in this non-referencing way. Why not just say 'thank you, I love it too' to the bag? I can sing quite well. If someone compliments me on my voice i don't say 'oh, but I'm not a patch on Maria Callas' (slightly stupid example, I know).

Honestly being on the other side of this sort of behaviour- it's often quite obvious that people are pretending to be poor. I personally find it a bit insulting that friends tell untruths about their finances to me, since they know we are not well off.

I wouldn't begrudge you a lovely handbag for example. If you're feeling bad about being flush then pay for the coffee an occasional time or something.

I do this too OP. I think its a couple of things with me:

I was brought up with a really difficult sister who was 'the bad one' and I was 'the angel'. I think I've been conscious of that and tried to slightly fight against it by playing everything of mine down.

I was also brought up by a single mum on a low income and I'm now very comfortable, but I feel guilty about it.

When i was younger my mum HATED 'show offs' and I was told to never talk about money or good grades etc. I now don't know how to celebrate my successes.

I'm childfree and sometimes feel guilty about having such a comfortable and restful life and I want my mum friends to know that I'm down to earth, so again, I crap all over my accomplishments and over anything good that ever happens to me.

I think it's something that, unfortunately, is instilled in lots of women and I don't know how we undo it.