Why do I degrade myself?

[Anon11119]

DH said something today which has made me think. He said I subtly degrade myself around others whilst they “big themselves up”. I can’t really chat to anyone else so would like other people’s opinions on whether he’s right and some insight/advice on why I do it and how to stop.

Just this weekend for example: 1) Dsis compliments me on my bag and I tell her it’s fake, it’s not but that came out of my mouth automatically. 2) Presents - I got my kids to open presents before they saw family and just took two presents to get together where we decided cousins would open all their presents. In my Mind I did this as felt bad incase we got more expensive stuff for our kids and didn’t want others to feel bad. 3) DH told them we planning to go on holiday in April and it’s booked depending on how covid plays out. I again made a comment that we got a really cheap deal - not actual fact.

I do this A LOT with everyone abs not just family and have millions of other scenarios. In all scenarios I do it out of guilt I think and feel highly conscious others might be feeling bad.

OP, I'm exactly the same. I'm a people pleaser. I automatically say what would make somebody else feel 'better' or to compliment them at my own expense.

I haven't read the other comments yet but I will now to see what I've been diagnosed with

@Skinnymimi

Because you are a star OP. Because you rock at what you do. Because like the sun, you shine and it is not your fault. It is just who you are. Because people in your past tried to dull your shine making you feel like being good at something or treating yourself when you deserved it was “showing off” or “being pretentious “. Because you know that some people can’t stand other’s light. So you dull your own diamonds.

Omg THIS! It didn't take me long to get to a diagnosis!

I had a terrible childhood where wanting more than living off of benefits and living in council housing was 'frowned upon'.

Some of my family went almost NC with me because I chose to go to university.

I've told them I failed just so they feel better.

I've downplayed DP's work role and income when asked.

I've made an effort to complain about the extra costs our kids incur just so I fit in.

We've saved enough to buy now but we're putting it off because we want to save a bit more for our 'forever home'. I've told said family that we just can't afford to buy at all. Just to make them happy.

OP, thank you for this thread. It's been an eye-opener.

I am the same OP and I am 100% the way i am is because when I was a child my parents were poor. We didn't have much at all but we were so loved and were happy in our family unit.
I am married with children and we are comfortable, not rich by any means but after the bills, mortgage etc we can afford a treat once in a while. My husband has notice when friends comment on our home or if I have bought clothes/shoes etc for the children I will always say they are in the sale, bought on a web-site for half the price. I think it is because I never take for granted with what we have as growing up we didn't have much at all in terms of prosessions but I am very lucky to have a lovely family.

You sound modest and humble which are lovely qualities. Much better than 21st century bragging, showing off and self promoting. Your husband is wrong.

I think it’s a very British thing to be self depreciating - I also take it too far.
I even put my children down sometimes, saying they play piano badly (they are actually quite good) or that they bombed a test when they came out average.
I don’t know why I do it - for laughs maybe? It’s generally connected with humour for me but you’ve got me thinking.

@Bigbonesmeatandgravy

I think your intentions as good OP but if I'm honest I find it really irritating when I'm on the receiving end of someone who does this. When someone starts being awkward and evasive in this way when talking about really mundane things it puts me right off! Like I care whether your bag is designer or not, good for you if it is! It's just a bloody bag. The assumption that I would be upset about it is offensive. I find it really disingenuous and patronising. I think people who do this are quite self centered.

Yep. I love bags and will compliment someone if I see a particularly beautiful example. I've been told by someone I knew quite well they were fakes - when I know enough about my favourite brands to know they were real. It really put me off the person to be honest - why on earth lie about this, it's so strange and yes I agree quite patronising - as if I'd not be able to handle the fact they could afford it or something? I'm delighted for them but their response makes me feel I can't trust them.

@Anele22

You sound modest and humble which are lovely qualities. Much better than 21st century bragging, showing off and self promoting. Your husband is wrong.

No she doesn’t sound modest and humble. She’s just lying to her family and friends? That’s not modest and it’s not as if the two choices are either bragging or just telling random lies. Modest and humble would be enjoying your things without flaunting them, not saying ‘it’s a fake’ when someone compliments you. Unless you think your family are incredibly stupid they will be aware you’re wealthier than they are.

It can be, in some cases, a kind of "reverse-snobbery," making it appear as if you do not have as much as you do, but I'd have to know you a lot better than MN to know if that was your case. It can also arise from a misplaced and exagerated desire not to appear snobby at all. Or a fear of being thought "posh," for whatever reason.

It is not at all an uncommon thing. My mother was like that.

I always do this. For example, we have a cleaner who comes a couple of hours once a week. She recently bought us a bottle of alcohol from her native country as a gift for Christmas. Really lovely gesture. We had some friends over (who don’t know we have a cleaner). Friend commented on the unusual bottle and I deliberately didn’t mention where it came from. Husband got involved in the conversation and mentioned the cleaner had bought it for us. It made me feel so uncomfortable and I just thought made us sound like such arseholes.

I grew up with the value of money being really drummed into me and to not spend what I didn’t have. Have always been more a saver than big spender. My husband grew up really quite poor at times but is now a high earner (whilst I’m on a modest part time salary) which means we are able to live a nice lifestyle, very different to the ones we grew up with. I’m always very conscious of this and feel that maybe I’m not deserving of it and am also acutely aware that it could always change at any time. Husband doesn’t see it like this and often spends frivolously. I think your reaction to this is likely based on your upbringing and awareness of other people and their feelings.

It is a guilt thing and a very difficult habit to break!

I have taught myself over the years to learn to accept compliments without putting myself down - it can come across as rude to the person paying the compliment if you're self-deprecating all the time.

If someone says that they like your skirt/coat/bag etc., rather than dismissing it by saying it's old/tatty/fake, say 'thank you, that's very kind of you to say so'. You've accepted their compliment and returned one in a likewise manner, both feel happy without feeling the need to put yourself down.

It can take time but it does work and you start to appreciate the compliments too! Good luck!

I am very harsh on myself. Don't have a lot of faith in myself. In my head; I constantly put myself down. I'm not a good mother. I'm not a good wife. I am selfish. I don't try hard enough. It has been a daily battle for a long time.
I have a DH and 3 beautiful DS's. They are loved to the moon and back and told often. I am soo appreciative of my DH and tell him often.
Everything gets done. I'm a SAHM and I do it well. But my mind automatically wanders to all the little things I didn't do and I chastise myself.

I realised a while ago that it's mostly due to my mum. She just loves to pick out faults, especially mine. She calls me lazy; even tho my husband and I have a lovely routine. She has called me selfish in the past; even tho my DH says I'm anything but.
Sometime I think I must be a horrible person even tho my DH's family adore me and I them.
I don't think I'll ever not be hard on myself. Perhaps it makes me stronger and more determined..?
We are our own worst critics.

Some very judges comments about OP on here - typical of mumsnetters these days...

OP you sound like a really lovely person, so don't change. Just adapt slightly...

I think your motive may be because you can afford things and don't want to cause others to feel bad. The prob is others will already know you can afford stuff so when you say you got your holiday cheap, it might annoy them cos they'd love a cheap holiday but can't find any!

The easiest way to get round it all is to accept compliments and be much more about motives. eg (about your bag) - oh thanks, yes I love it and for the holiday, you could say, yes we're hoping covid will be kind and we'll get away so we've taken a punt.

Money is not everything to everyone. Being honest about our motives is valued by the vast majority of people. It's more honest.

Practice what you could say and eventually it becomes the normal.

Good luck and bless you for thinking about the presents. My kids one year got a comic book each (inappropriate for their ages) and a plastic yoyo from my parents when their cousins got a laptop and a whole host of state boarding stuff - ramps, new board, pads etc. My mum has since told me she has baled my sis out many many times, so they probably couldn't afford much for my kids. But to this day both of them remember it like it was yesterday cos their cousins told them what they'd got before we saw my parents... . If I could have avoided that experience for them I would have, so nice one.

Sacrificing a lot of family time for work is evidently not bringing you any real happiness, as the things you can now afford you cannot own up to having paid the real price you paid. Ridiculous. If you're proud of working hard and sacrificing family time in order to buy expensive things, whether clothes, presents, holidays, cars or stuff for the house, why downplay the cost?
You might as well go to Primark and buy a second hand Ford Mondeo if that's your comfort level, at least you wouldn't be lying and saying your purchases are cheaper than they are. I think you aren't used to money and feel embarrassed. Your upbringing clearly plays a part in the attitude you now have towards acceptable spending habits.
I can AFFORD to pay 100x what I PREFER to pay but I actually don't want to pay for a label, as that's all it is, free advertising. I really like shopping in Primark and M&S and get lots of compliments but friends know full well that I like to pay the least possible and if something goes on sale for which I paid full price, I'll take it back and re-purchase at the lower price.

I think it's because you're a humble person.

It's false humility. If you're proud of working hard for what you have, why downplay your work ethic, for that's what it amounts to. Why not live in a cheap rundown area so people don't think you're showing off that your hard work allows you to live in gated luxury? It's that stupid.

Underlying low self esteem? Don’t, deep down , think yourself worthy of ‘good stuff’ so play it all down hence you are ‘found out’ as a fraud.

It's false humility. If you're proud of working hard for what you have, why downplay your work ethic, for that's what it amounts to. Why not live in a cheap rundown area so people don't think you're showing off that your hard work allows you to live in gated luxury? It's that stupid.

I think that's a bit unfair and doesn't take into account the complexity of feelings attached to having done really well, when you are often surrounded by people you genuinely like and appreciate, who you have no desire to appear 'better' than, who haven't done nearly as well, and you are very conscious of that.

Of course you want to enjoy the fruits of your labour/luck/good fortune, but equally you don't want to give the impression that you think your material wealth puts you on some sort of pedestal, or that you are completely insensitive to the fact that others may be struggling financially.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't have the nice house/car/handbag, just that there is a time and a place not to bang on about it.

I'm not sure how you separate fake humility from just plain old humility, even if it's sometimes a bit clumsily expressed.

I do the same. For me it’s because I grew up not very well off, all extended family have decent jobs and secure but we are now very wealthy. I feel like I’m showing off if I mention holidays etc so always play them down. Went to Maldives last month and first think I said was “oh it was a bargain because of covid”. Technically it was cheaper than usual (£12k instead of £15k) but I am very aware this is a vast sum of money. I think you’re just conscious that not everyone is in the same boat as you and trying to be kind. With other stuff like the bag compliment I’ve just learnt to say “thank you” then move the conversation on so you don’t have to lie about anything .

I have done this all my life. Every year I make it my New Year Resolution to change, but I am still doing it and I am in my seventies.

[quote Anon11119]@DramaAlpaca thank you. I’m glad I’m not alone! Hopefully we get some good answers. I feel so stupid and annoyed with myself now that DH pointed it out to me. Can’t stop cringing all the times I’ve done this.[/quote]
It's not just you, I did do this too, I listened to a podcast, and I can't remember what it was called and have never found it to finish it, and the woman was saying that we should own our things, so if the bag cost a months salary for your sister, it didn't for you, own it, she said when you feel uncomfortable in compliment just say 'oh Thankyou' and try and mean it, don't elaborate, refrain from and explanation. So the holiday thing would be 'were really looking forward to it' end of story. Empower yourself to own your things. It was extremely interesting and I've tried to implement a lot of what she said, most recently having a gift of a very expensive watch, and the comments I get, is it real? How much was it? Did you ask for it? My reply to all those is 'I'm really happy with it thankyou'

I'm not too keen on people who ascribe their successes to "hard work". Lots of people work hard but get nowhere on the career/ money ladder. It takes luck as well - being in the right place at the right time, knowing the right people, getting the right job offers etc.

I've been doing this myself for years. It is not something to feel ashamed of or embarrassed about. Its a learned behaviour usually from childhood.
For me this behaviour is linked to a people pleasing tendency. This is based on fear of rejection and disapproval of others on some level ( took me a while to realise this). If they think I have money then they will bitch about me and reject me and see me as different - this is the sort of subconscious thinking that could go through my head in the past. Does that ring true for you if you think about it? Would it be worth trying out very small subtle changes whereby you receive a compliment and you just confidently say thankyou, that's kind of you to say and you hold firm and breathe and say nothing else.

I also tend to fill in all the gaps and talk fast to ' save others discomfort' but really I think it's my own. I have spent alot of time working on things like this and feel so much happier and content. It isn't your fault. These sort of patterns are laid down in childhood as a coping mechanism.

It's crass to open lots of presents infront of visitors so I would do the same

I think whilst you think you are down playing things others know you are lying and it is disrespectful as in a roundabout way it is like saying to the other person.

I am not going to tell you about my house/holiday/car because I have made a judgement on you and I think you are beneath me.

Someone used to do it to me and I could tell she had a set idea about me and that I wasn’t on her level so deserved only lies.