Why do I degrade myself?

[Anon11119]

DH said something today which has made me think. He said I subtly degrade myself around others whilst they “big themselves up”. I can’t really chat to anyone else so would like other people’s opinions on whether he’s right and some insight/advice on why I do it and how to stop.

Just this weekend for example: 1) Dsis compliments me on my bag and I tell her it’s fake, it’s not but that came out of my mouth automatically. 2) Presents - I got my kids to open presents before they saw family and just took two presents to get together where we decided cousins would open all their presents. In my Mind I did this as felt bad incase we got more expensive stuff for our kids and didn’t want others to feel bad. 3) DH told them we planning to go on holiday in April and it’s booked depending on how covid plays out. I again made a comment that we got a really cheap deal - not actual fact.

I do this A LOT with everyone abs not just family and have millions of other scenarios. In all scenarios I do it out of guilt I think and feel highly conscious others might be feeling bad.

You aren't putting yourself down at all in any of these examples. You are simply portraying frugality.

Putting yourself down means criticising your own personality, intelligence, relationship skills, competence.

You aren't doing this.

I don't think that about being self deprecating in general by the way - I think that comes from low self esteem. But about those who are comfortable/wealthy pretending they're not.

I remember some classmates absolutely ripping me to shreds over our house and the fact that we used teacups and saucers instead of mugs. Being posh was the worst thing you could be, I think that's why I downplay everything to this day. Agree degrade is the wrong word really.

I think it's common enough to reply to a compliment with some kind of "oh this old thing" type response but I find it strange that you actually lie about it and say your bag is fake and your holiday was a deal and try to hide what gifts your kids got. They do say comparison is the thief of joy but you're really not taking anything from anyone by having nice things and being able to afford to pay for a holiday. Do you think your sister would be more hurt by you having an expensive bag or that you felt the need to lie to her?

Thank you @MistletoeHolly. Interestingly people close to me would definitely describe me as sensitive. Sometimes TOO sensitive!

Thinking about it.

I think didn't realise as your examples op v different to mine so didn't realise.

But yes now realised-
Loads of women do this. All the time. I used to and stopped can't remember why about 15 years ago.

I used to do all the time. Eg.

I like your bag.
Oh! It's really old/ I got in sale/ v cheap/ etc.

Your hair looks nice!
You think so? I really hate it. It sits funny and the colour needs doing. Look at these roots! Etc.

This piece of work is really good.
Really? No idea why, I thought it was too long and I was rushed so the formatting isn't quite right see look here and here.

I worry that people will think I’m bragging so downplay things, cost of things, achievements and how hard I work to get things right
I know how it feels to feel inferior and don’t want others to feel the same
Also I genuinely do shop for cheap deals or buy second hand - so if someone is rude enough to ask I am vague or just say something like ‘it was a bargain’
For example I recently treated myself to a stunning ring - which cost me over 1k second hand but would retail new for 3-4 times that - a friend asked me where I got it and how much! I named the jeweller n just said it was second hand and I got a good deal and am very pleased with it!

My sil does this. Lies constantly about how much things cost, pretends she got a really good deal, pretends she bought things second hand etc I don't know why she does it but because I know she lies frequently I don't trust her at all and keep her at arms length. We earn more than she does so I can't imagine it is to protect our feelings.

I'd try your best to rein in the lies, not because you are 'degrading yourself' but because usually it is transparent and people just wonder why the fuck you keep lying to their face

@Anon11119

Thank you *@MistletoeHolly*. Interestingly people close to me would definitely describe me as sensitive. Sometimes TOO sensitive!

Us humans are social beings and the need to be liked is in all of us, even deep down in the most confident, high-esteemed people. It’s natural. And I think a sensitive person is even more attuned to ‘sense’ what people think about them.

Because you are a star OP. Because you rock at what you do. Because like the sun, you shine and it is not your fault. It is just who you are. Because people in your past tried to dull your shine making you feel like being good at something or treating yourself when you deserved it was “showing off” or “being pretentious “. Because you know that some people can’t stand other’s light. So you dull your own diamonds.

But you're not degrading yourself, you're outright lying.

I would think wtf if you said any of that to me and I found out it was completely untrue.

Most odd. Just keep your mouth shut if you feel the need to do it again

It’s an embarrassment of riches.

@FriendshipsAreHardForMe

OP - do you have a lifestyle wealthier than what you grew up in?

I wonder if internally you feel guilty/self conscious for living a more luxurious life than you perceive those around you to have?

Yes, I think this is me. I'm a modest type and I don't like talking about what things cost so I automatically say something was a bargain, or that I bought it with a discount code.

It's nothing to do with insecurity, but I was brought up very frugally and my DM always hid the cost of anything she bought for herself from DF because he'd go mad if he thought it was too much. He never begrudged spending on himself though. Due to my upbringing I do sometimes feel I don't deserve nice things, I'm working on that one.

OP,

I think you just need to train yourself to take a couple of seconds before responding.

If someone pays you a compliment, just say 'thank you, that's very kind of you to say that'. Make it an automatic response.

I think degrading is a really strange and strong choice of word.
If you totally meant that then that's an awful way to talk about yourself op. Putting yourself down in av strong way.
If just what came out and didn't exactly mean as bad as that, different obv!

IME and nearly 50.
When I think back it's women that do this.
Not men.
Generally.

Of course plenty women don't and sure some men do.

But still. That's interesting.

You need to work on your self esteem. A high self esteem is NOT a bad thing. A high self esteem does NOT mean you will 'lord' it over people. It just means you will know and be aware of your worth. You won't feel the need to show off to others.

If someone compliments me on my outfit, l always have to ask if it came from.amchadity shop. Or if it was in the sale.
Dh says l shouldn't say anything but l can't stop myself!

@CheeseMmmm

I think degrading is a really strange and strong choice of word. If you totally meant that then that's an awful way to talk about yourself op. Putting yourself down in av strong way. If just what came out and didn't exactly mean as bad as that, different obv!

IME and nearly 50.
When I think back it's women that do this.
Not men.
Generally.

Of course plenty women don't and sure some men do.

But still. That's interesting.

I agree.

I think we would say that we are 'self-deprecating', when we put ourselves down.

#greatbritishproblems

@Yummypumpkin

You aren't putting yourself down at all in any of these examples. You are simply portraying frugality.

Putting yourself down means criticising your own personality, intelligence, relationship skills, competence.

You aren't doing this.

This. Lying about your bag and holiday doesn't seem degrading. It seems more like you're showing off how frugal or humble you are, which are generally seen as good values.

There could be multiple reasons for this. Maybe it does come from a place of shame (e.g. you think you should be more humble) but I still don't think it's degrading.

@Anon11119

Thank you all! I knew I’d get good responses. I’m thinking of some questions posed. I think the reactions if I “owned” up to things would be patronising responses like “well lucky for some!” But it’s not luck I work really hard and sacrifice a lot of family time for work.

I think you're been patronizing, not the other way around. "We can't tell our poor friends and relatives I've a real handbag, expensive presents, a luxury holiday because they'll all be so fucking jealous of us they'll hate us." Get over yourself.

A charity shop that was meant to say!

In a way you degrade yourself worth and your integrity because you lie!

The examples you give are of people just giving compliments and doesn't sound like they are asking how much it costs of commenting on it in a way that would make you feel they are jealous of your money.

Its a compliment judt take it for what it is and say thanks.

I couldn't never imagine making up lies like that that goes against my own values of who I want to be as a person. Just so strange you do that.

Chill out your overthinking it and worrying far too much what other people might be thinking when you don't know that they are...they most likely aren't

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

If someone compliments me on my outfit, l always have to ask if it came from.amchadity shop. Or if it was in the sale. Dh says l shouldn't say anything but l can't stop myself!

I think this is treading a fine line between wanting to thank someone for their compliment and bragging about your good find.

I am fairly new to charity shops, thanks to my DDs who would never shop anywhere else, so I can be quite evangelistic about good finds.

It easier just to say 'thank you very much', and leave the details to any follow-up comment.

And your examples are extreme.

You responded without thought. It's fake! When nothing to do with cost/ if real had even slightly come up.

With the presents, and family. Do you give more etc than cousins get?
Or did your kids end up with less to open?

Unless you giving diamond encrusted phones, day out to play football with England squad etc.

Then I just can't understand UNLESS you know as it's family the cousins get massively less number presents to open/ vastly different stuff. They get pair of socks and packet haribo type thing.

Then why on earth would you agree to do all presents between siblings then not?

Again that's really different level.

CraftyGin yes, self-deprecating is the right term to describe this. I knew 'degrading' wasn't quite right but couldn't quite put my finger on it.