Why do I degrade myself?

[Anon11119]

DH said something today which has made me think. He said I subtly degrade myself around others whilst they “big themselves up”. I can’t really chat to anyone else so would like other people’s opinions on whether he’s right and some insight/advice on why I do it and how to stop.

Just this weekend for example: 1) Dsis compliments me on my bag and I tell her it’s fake, it’s not but that came out of my mouth automatically. 2) Presents - I got my kids to open presents before they saw family and just took two presents to get together where we decided cousins would open all their presents. In my Mind I did this as felt bad incase we got more expensive stuff for our kids and didn’t want others to feel bad. 3) DH told them we planning to go on holiday in April and it’s booked depending on how covid plays out. I again made a comment that we got a really cheap deal - not actual fact.

I do this A LOT with everyone abs not just family and have millions of other scenarios. In all scenarios I do it out of guilt I think and feel highly conscious others might be feeling bad.

I agree that a lot of it is internalised from being told as a child not to show off, not to be vain (knocking back personal compliments instead of just saying "thank you"), not to show that you think you're better in any way than anyone else.

I stopped in my 20s because I read something about the effect knocking back compliments can have on the giver - and I didn't want them to feel bad about saying something nice, so I did start to just say thank you (without any riders). I don't get many compliments, so it wasn't that hard for me, in reality!

But if you are talking to people who are likely to get sniffy with you if you appear to be "showing off" in any way, then I understand why you still do it.

I do this. When I was a kid ‘showing off’ was a huge negative. I remember ‘she so up herself/in love with herself’ being thrown around a lot, almost one of the worse things you could do. Although only girls, boys would just be confident.

There is a scene in the movie mean girls that kinda highlights the fear.

“You are really pretty”
“Thank you”
“So you agree you think you are really pretty”

But if you are talking to people who are likely to get sniffy with you if you appear to be "showing off" in any way, then I understand why you still do it.

And there has already been an example or two on this thread of people being rather unpleasant to the OP, suggesting she's being disengenuous by flaunting her wealth and superiority over others while pretending to be ever-so-humble.

Degrade isn’t the right word and too strong.

Lying about the bag is odd, if they do find out it’s real they’ll wonder why you lied.

Is your dh sanctimonious? materialistic? All the examples you give are in relation to material items. We had very little when we were growing up as did most of our neighbours. Showing off the little we did have was not allowed. You don’t need to make excuses OP but I don’t think for one minute that you are degrading yourself.

@FriendshipsAreHardForMe

OP - do you have a lifestyle wealthier than what you grew up in?

I wonder if internally you feel guilty/self conscious for living a more luxurious life than you perceive those around you to have?

This.

I have a friend who does what you describe - a LOT. It causes a lot of issues with her DH who feels like he's earned (through hard work) the right to their creature comforts. I believe the reason she does this is because she grew up in a single parent household where her mother really struggled. It's a combination of empathy for those who are struggling as she's experienced it, and guilt for (what she sees as) unnecessary/wasteful expenditure.

@TheGoodEnoughWife

I do a similar thing. Not with money/cost of things but more that I laugh and joke that I am unorganised or not very good at things. I have found then that people think I am unorganised and not very good at things!

I put myself down in a jokey way and then people believe my 'jokes' and think poorly of me.

I really wish I could stop!

I am exactly the same and sadly now it is having repercussions on my career.

I think you are lying because you think people will think better things about you . You are insulting those you lie to and acting like you support fraudulent goods that can support worse criminal activities.

I think as women we find it very hard to accept compliments. I’m considered to be very good at my job and a lot of clients follow me and seek me out. I get a lot of recommendations. But when I get great reviews or people tell me how much they love dealing with me I become very awkward and generally brush it off with “I’m just doing my job”.

My male boss pointed out to me that men don’t feel awkward about this and generally respond with comments like “I’m glad I could help” or “that’s really good if you to say”. He pointed out that in his experience many women are like this and as a father to teenage daughters he’s trying to teach them to acknowledge and be proud of when they’ve done something good. It doesn’t mean we’re being big headed or braggy but as women we must learn to be proud of our achievements.

It sounds like you have imposter syndrome in your own life (rather than your working life).

I don’t think you’re degrading yourself. Rather you sound considerate and don’t feel the need to boast.

People who big themselves up, for example “we’ve just booked a shit hot, expensive holiday” are very tiresome.

@SoniaFouler

You may not like this answer, but I’ve known people like this and IMO it’s not because they’re conscious about other people feeling bad at all, this is all about you and how you wish to be portrayed to others.

I know people like this as well on both ends of the income spectrum.

Generally, those with quite high family incomes are doing it for how they wish to be portrayed to others, because everyone knows they have money and don't go without anything. Not really sure about them sometimes as they try to downplay their expensive stuff and constant outings; do they think the rest of us are stupid I wonder?

Those on the lower end of the income scale (especially a number of single parents I know) are doing it because they're very economically savvy and are working hard to make sure their children don't go without even when able to splash out due to their savvy. But they don't want people to get the wrong idea about their economic reality either or make people feel bad that they've managed to get/do something nice.

The thing is, some people will see any outward signs of wealth or beauty or success in others as the other person deliberately trying to make them feel/look lesser. But as the old adage goes, no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Unless someone is being deliberately unpleasant to you, then how they make you feel often says far more about you than it does about them.

Tall Poppy Syndrome is very real, Some people can't stand to see others do well for themselves in any respect and they fabricate the notion that said person must therefore be looking down their noses at them.

We see it on here all the time, accusations of SIL (it's most commonly a SIL, because there is that natural element of competition and sibling rivalry without the loyalty/love bond of being an actual sibling) being a horrible snob who 'thinks she better than us.'

Then often, when you read the list of the SILs misdemeanours you don't see ant great crimes at all, just someone living their life as they please and the OP feeling a bit shit for not being able to measure up. Except often the only person judging the OP is the OP themselves.

I think you’d probably benefit from talking therapy to work through your feelings towards sisters etc

Also - I agree with PP that ‘degrading’ isn’t quite the right word here, and maybe minimising works better? Even perhaps ‘downgrade’ but it’s definitely not degrading.

And the word matters because if you add feelings of shame onto this behaviour, it will make it even harder to break the pattern. Instead, see it for what it is: an attempt to please people.

I really hope you get help for your childhood trauma 💐

This is really interesting. I do this too but not just about material/monetary things.

I think sometimes I pre-empt what someone is going to say in a conversation and don’t want them to feel bad so say something (untrue) first.

One example that sticks with me from years ago is a conversation at work, we were talking about how often we have a shower and from something she said, I thought one girl was going to say she didn’t shower everyday and would feel embarrassed about it so I said “I shower every other day” and she said “oh really I shower every day m” and looked at me funny.
And I remember thinking why did I say that - I do shower everyday.
But yeh I do that a lot, like try and say something first (even if not quite true) so they don’t feel bad about saying it.

I don’t think it’s wrong to not have a shower everyday by the way !

@Anon11119

Thank you all! I knew I’d get good responses. I’m thinking of some questions posed. I think the reactions if I “owned” up to things would be patronising responses like “well lucky for some!” But it’s not luck I work really hard and sacrifice a lot of family time for work.

So is there guilt in there too?

Is the buying of expensive things etc to justify losing out on family time?

(not saying it should be, btw)

Were you raised in a family that disapproved of wealth or showiness? Or who really approved of being frugal? if you were, you are just acting the way you were taught is polite. Work out where it comes from and curb it.

Best tip I ever got was from my first ever boyfriend who caught me doing ,yself down whenever someone complimented me or my stuff. he said: there's only one reply you ever make when you are complimented and that is to say, 'Thank you!' with a smile as if the compliment has made your day, Practise it. It is so easy once you get into the habit.

I think you sub consciously feel unworthy, usually something which originates from your upbringing. Growing up i was constantly told by my mother that I was ‘showing off’ if I said I had done something well, so my mind set became not to tell people, but if they pointed it out, then I would play it down. It’s about self worth and self esteem, which is low if you’ve been brought up to think you’re no good.

In work appraisals too, I find it difficult when i have to say something I think I do well. I say something I do well, but then follow it up with multiple things I do badly, to kind of negate the thing I do well!

Generally, those with quite high family incomes are doing it for how they wish to be portrayed to others, because everyone knows they have money and don't go without anything. Not really sure about them sometimes as they try to downplay their expensive stuff and constant outings; do they think the rest of us are stupid I wonder?

People who big themselves up, for example “we’ve just booked a shit hot, expensive holiday” are very tiresome.

And therein lies the dilemma of the highly successful person. You can't win. If you are too humble you are seen as disengenuous and fake. If you aren't humble enough you are a boastful knob who enjoys rubbing your friends noses in how great you are, compared to them.

If you constantly feel that you have to self censor when you are with less successful friends for fear of seeming too smug or superior, then the relationship has become awkward and unnatural. You will be on eggshells all the time.

The only way to avoid this is to mainly mix with people who share your lifestyle or a similar level of career success.

But that comes with its own problems. It will be used as evidence that you are status obsessed and you think they are no longer good enough for you.

I do this at work! I'm actually very good at my job and quite intelligent, almost a subject matter expert... yet I still insist on portraying myself as ditzy and a bit daft.

This has really hurt me recently as I was passed over for a promotion as the hiring manager felt I wouldn't handle the extra responsibility due to the persons I give off.

I know why I do it, it's because I feel that if act stupid people won't expect as much and I have some safety room to make mistakes.

You're better off not qualifying any purchase with ''it was only 100 pounds'' or whatever because I do remember hearing that when I was a single parent (on benefits) I'm still a single parent! but at the time I thought, ''only''
Sometimes well-meaning people would recommend some service or product or flight to me telling me it was only XXXX and I just thought ok, well that's too much. I had very little money at the time and any treat I gave myself was well-thought out already from the perspective of what I wanted and what I could do without.

So agree with others, if you get a compliment just say thanks! it really is the least potentially awkward response.

What bag did you try and pass off as a fake @Anon11119
I may not have the money for designer bags on a regular basis (who does, not many!) but if you tried to pass off a real bag as a fake, i think I'd know !

I do this too OP, a lot of people I know big themselves up in terms of their jobs, personal lives, houses etc, Any time anyone asks me about myself I massively play myself down, I don't really love talking about myself and generally just don't think I have much interesting to say, but it also makes me feel conscious that others must think I'm really boring? Or not doing much? And I started to realise that other people just big themselves up, and I want to do that too! Lol but it makes me feel like a nob when I do, it's definitely something I need to work on and think it stems from low self esteem

@LadyFlumpalot I feel like this image was projected on to me at work.

I quite consciously decided NOT to do it in this job (having done it in previous jobs) and somehow still end up feeling that it's been projected on to me.

My line manager put in his own goals thing that we all have to do every year that he would review the performance of the team, and I feel know that he picked on me to bring me in to a performance meeting I had been literally turning myself inside out for a year, giving it 100% and he brought me in to discuss my performance. I was like this I knew he was going for the grade above (as I am) but he used me to have an example of when he ''managed under performance''. I pushed it back at him and told him he was confirming his own biases. It was very upsetting. I looked around at the rest of the team and I saw two really young girls who he wouldn't have wanted to upset, a woman he was friendly with outside of work, and me, the 50 year old ''old dear'' (??) and I felt scapegoated to be his example.