Why do I degrade myself?

[Anon11119]

DH said something today which has made me think. He said I subtly degrade myself around others whilst they “big themselves up”. I can’t really chat to anyone else so would like other people’s opinions on whether he’s right and some insight/advice on why I do it and how to stop.

Just this weekend for example: 1) Dsis compliments me on my bag and I tell her it’s fake, it’s not but that came out of my mouth automatically. 2) Presents - I got my kids to open presents before they saw family and just took two presents to get together where we decided cousins would open all their presents. In my Mind I did this as felt bad incase we got more expensive stuff for our kids and didn’t want others to feel bad. 3) DH told them we planning to go on holiday in April and it’s booked depending on how covid plays out. I again made a comment that we got a really cheap deal - not actual fact.

I do this A LOT with everyone abs not just family and have millions of other scenarios. In all scenarios I do it out of guilt I think and feel highly conscious others might be feeling bad.

I struggle to take compliments, but outright lying to downplay your situation sounds quite extreme!
You also seem to project a lot onto other people assumptions about how they might feel and think and react. That's a bit weird too, quite frankly. Why do you assume other people actually care about all that stuff, or that they would be hurt or jealous, instead of admirative or happy go for you?

I'd say, you seem afraid of attracting negative attention, so you instinctively make yourself look small and harmless. What's unclear is why you are so afraid. Have you been harshly put down in the past for "standing out"?
I'm sorry if that happened to you. In any case, maybe you could try and break that weird habit of yours by practicing bigging yourself up a bit instead, and observing that nothing disastrous happens as a result

@Summerfun54321

It’s an embarrassment of riches.

Not what this is expression means: it refers to an abundance/too much of a good thing.

I am like this but not with financial things.

Examples -

Someone might comment "ElEmEn is really good at Genealogy, she's found some incredible things and done a few peoples trees now!" ... My response would be "Oh no, I'm not really good at it at all, I just find it interesting" (I've actually been doing it over 10 years and I am pretty good at it if I'm honest)

If someone compliments an item of clothing my immediate response would be "Oh this, had it years/got it from charity shop, it's not that nice, look it has a hole here and stain here I can't get out, only fit for the bin really - I've no idea why I put it on".

I think I do it because I grew up in an abusive household and went on to have many abusive relationships. I find it hard to believe someone would say anything positive about me and so I subconsciously think they may actually be secretly mocking my intelligence/clothing/whatever. By putting myself down or the thing they've complimented then I can't be seen to be believing them and therefore been made to seem even more of a fool.

@FriendshipsAreHardForMe

OP - do you have a lifestyle wealthier than what you grew up in?

I wonder if internally you feel guilty/self conscious for living a more luxurious life than you perceive those around you to have?

This is me 100% and I totally relate to you OP. My mum didn't work, only my dad did growing up. We were by no means poor but both DH and I work in professional jobs and have no children so we have significant disposable income in comparison with what was available then and additionally, in comparison with school friends now, who chose to have children earlier combined with little desire to chase a career.

I find myself constantly saying things are fake or I got it in the sale or for holidays, we got a good deal. Even as the words are coming out of my mouth I sometimes think to myself, why am I saying this, its not true and I don't think people really care whether I got a deal or not, but still, it comes out. I wish I didn't do this because I'm proud of what dh and I are achieving and working hard etc but I just can't stop myself.

OP anyway I stopped the 'that's nice' 'god no it's a heap of shit I found it in the bin' auto response (female IME). wish I could remember why changed.

I just made an effort to do something else. Something easy.

'Ooh I like your shoes'.
'Thank you! I really like the leopard spots/ comfiness/ air of danger about them. Anyway, what have you been up to today/ I heard you bought a cat!/ Your DH has piles again'

It was difficult which is ridiculous! But I bit my tongue, and it got easier and easier and then something really really good happened...

I think I was always a bit unsure about giving compliments to women. In case it came out wrong, they thought I was being somehow insincere, because I knew it made me feel put on spot... Not sure. I did do it.

But when started simply saying thank you and changing subject...

I found it much much easier to compliment others! And I like people to be happy, and my god an honest compliment makes so many women just BEAM!

Generally way way too often like pretty much always it goes.
Surprise
Really?
Oh it's xyz awful/cheap
I say (needs to be genuine)
No no! It's gorgeous/ really suits you/ looks great/ I love the pattern/colour etc.
Oh... (Happy confusion).. Thanks :)

(Unless show off types who point out their new bag, haircut, £££, how fab they are anyway so obv not for them )

So much easier to give a compliment if you can take one.

And that has made me much more cheerful for last 15 years!

I used to do this in anticipation of other people thinking it.
I felt I'd dissipated some tension hanging in the air by saying what I believed others were thinking. Then once I'd said it, I could ''relax'' a bit.

This is 25 odd years ago. I'm not as bad now but there could be residual leakeage!

OP, I think you have low self-esteem. That's why your automatic response is to say something self-deprecating.

i used to do this ALL the time OP and it was lack of self esteem.
If you get a compliment just say thank you very much I really appreciate that, or yes its a lovely handbag isn't it.
If you feel you have self worth other people will think you have worth as well.

You've said you do this habitually (thus not just sensitivity around certain people) so maybe work on your awareness that not everyone is prone to envy (or would even care)? I like (love!) handbags, I have lots of expensive designer bags, and I love it when people comment; I like conversing with a kindred 'handbag admiring' spirit. It would simply never cross my mind to consider whether said person could or could not afford such a bag 🤨

Also when you pay someone a compliment it's much nicer to hear a positive response than some self deprecating words.

Like PPs I suspect you need to think back to your childhood. When did this start? Is it just stuff connected with material wealth or is it other stuff too, like if you did a good job?

Did you have something nice and other kids found out and took it from you? Or did kids or adults mock you, "Ohhhh she's got a (nice thing), bet she thinks she's the queen of everything, bet she thinks she's better than us!" for having something better than the norm?

Were you told you were "showing off, big headed, boastful" when expressing simple pleasure about a nice present?

Did your parents tell you off for being greedy and spoilt, or a spendthrift ("Don't come running to me when you've pissed it all away, you've got to stand on your own two feet")?

Yeah. It is a bit weird. But you're certainly not the only person! Just do what other PPs say and go, "thanks" or "I'm really looking forward to it" or "wasn't it lovely of X to give me this" (etc).
The bit about the cousins' presents sounded partly rational though - I agree there could be circumstances where you want to anticipate and avoid jealous tantrums, depends on the kids. So we're not saying you shouldn't ever think before you say or do stuff, e.g. pick topics other than your swanky holiday if chatting to a friend on her uppers! Just don't fib, it make people feel uneasy about you, and you want them to trust you, don't you!

I understand not bragging, but I don’t get why you would lie and say ‘it’s a fake’ when someone compliments your handbag. That just seems sort of like an odd thing to say, and if it came out that it was a lie it would make you look pretty weird.

I would just say yes thanks I got it for my birthday/last year blah blah. And if they say ‘oh lucky for some’ then just say ‘yes it’s nice I like this bag.’

I wouldn’t say ‘oh well we work hard’ because most people work hard. If they’re snippy about it then I would just turn the other cheek as it says more about them.

@Anon11119

Thank you all! I knew I’d get good responses. I’m thinking of some questions posed. I think the reactions if I “owned” up to things would be patronising responses like “well lucky for some!” But it’s not luck I work really hard and sacrifice a lot of family time for work.

Say that then. Nothing wrong with pointing out your ‘luck’ hasn’t just landed on your plate, so to speak. But you work bloody hard for it.

Someone somewhere (most likely parents when growing up) has made you feel not worthy. Subconsciously your self esteem is low and although you might not realise it. Subconsciously you don’t believe you deserve the success / wealth etc that you have.
Somewhere along the line you have Ben lead to believe that telling others about your success = bad
So you down play that to others.

Whatever your reasons for doing this, please be aware that it can come across as extremely patronising (“you think I’d be offended by your having a handbag that’s expensive/ more than I could afford?”, “you don’t need to manage my feelings, I can handle them myself” etc).

It’s also potentially very hypocritical because, well, your handbag isn’t a fake is it? You’re portraying yourself as something that you’re not.

Basically, this isn’t just a harmless quirk of character. It’s potentially quite hurtful and rude.

So OP.

1. Listen to what said. Don't panic and lie. That's an automatic behaviour you need to drop.

Had not asked if real. Just said. Ooh that's a nice bag!

So many ways to reply.

Thanks! Got it mainly because comfy strap/ haven't seen this colour before/ surprisingly capacious/ thought sod it if I want a bag with orange pineapples on it then why not!/ never really had a proper smart bag before it's good for work / etc.

I heard you bought a rhino/ are thinking of moving, have you spoken to Dave about X...

Just break the habit.

1. If because knew from previous years your DC would have significantly more than cousins. Then that was just really strange sorry OP.

You agreed to an arrangement with own siblings then didn't do it. Presumably there were not just gifts from parents to kids but from siblings etc IE pressies flying about. Why do you think adults (kids?) watching judging estimating costs comparing ? I mean most people are chatting doing whatever not glued to kids evaluating gifts. If they are, well that's their issue.

1. Again no mention money. Your DH was talking about it. No need for you to say anything. So don't. COVID was mentioned not money. So say something about that. Yeah really hope we can go who knows etc

If you were Irish you would be in the majority of people who do this! We have self-deprecation down to a fine art.

I think it's very much a female affliction too - make yourself small for fear people will think you're full of yourself (the horror!) now you're aware of it you can train yourself to stop. It's hard but doable. I started forcing myself to answer compliments with a simple, breezy "thank you" l. No qualifiers, no putting yourself down just "thank you" with a smile. If you really want to deflect the attention away follow up the thank you with a compliment to the other person. Make it a genuine one though or you will appear inauthentic.

I do this. It's a reaction to childhood insecurity for me. We had a succession of vile stepmothers who felt it was their duty to put us in our place and doing it ourselves became a defence mechanism.

Curiously, my stepsiblings have always been delightful.

Haha @Fidgetty you are so right! I'm not Irish but have lived in Ireland for a long time. Irish people take self-deprecation to the next level - maybe it's rubbed off on me

I'm guilty of this. Perhaps because I can't stand bragging and boasting I downplay our lives and achievements all the time.

I do similar with some stuff, if someone says oh I like your dress I always feel the need to say oooo it was in the sale! Not sure why, I feel a bit bashful about receiving compliments and also I think what a pp said is interesting. Having grown up poor I do feel a bit of guilt that I can afford nice things without worrying about the price, and some of the stuff I own cost more than my parents used to make in a month, I think how much the money would have meant back them to them, going without themselves and counting every penny.

@givethatbabyaname

Whatever your reasons for doing this, please be aware that it can come across as extremely patronising (“you think I’d be offended by your having a handbag that’s expensive/ more than I could afford?”, “you don’t need to manage my feelings, I can handle them myself” etc).

It’s also potentially very hypocritical because, well, your handbag isn’t a fake is it? You’re portraying yourself as something that you’re not.

Basically, this isn’t just a harmless quirk of character. It’s potentially quite hurtful and rude.

Completely agree with this!

I do this a bit because I am now far wealthier than my family of origin and better educated and wealthier than most of my friends from 'home'. But I still want to try and identify and fit in with them when I see them. It's really silly and I doubt they care either way.

I agree with others when they say it's quite patronising of others, you have made an assumption about what they can afford and that they'll be jealous of you if you give them the true picture. It isn't being humble as you're lying, that isn't the same thing at all.