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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed mil at head of table

216 replies

Teatotal2 · 25/12/2021 17:22

Just that really and it isn't just for today, it's every time she visits, head of table, best seat in lounge etc.
I know I should be more charitable as she lost fil a couple of years ago but can feel it simmering, she can just be so entitled, if she showed some gratitude it would be different.
Also, I asked if she would like to stay over and instead of a "Oh, that would be lovely", "Yes, please" or "Are you sure it's no trouble" her reply was, "Well it would save me driving home!"😡
Response to offer of drinks etc. is usually, "If you're making one!", no please, thanks etc. Maybe it's me but my family are so grateful & expressive that it really needles me!
I know I should lighten up, it's Christmas bloody Day so please don't tell me too as that would definitely be counter intuitive.

OP posts:
EverdeRose · 26/12/2021 11:16

Literally couldn't get worked up about where somebody sits at the table. Hmm

Triphazards · 26/12/2021 11:24

@PotteringAlong

You have a best seat in the lounge? You have a hierarchy of seating?
Makes you wonder how bad the other seats are!
Bagelsandbrie · 26/12/2021 11:28

@ddl1

Can’t believe there are so many people on this thread that don’t understand the history, etiquette and power signifiers in sitting at the head of the table

And I can't believe that there are people who apply this sort of 'history, etiquette and power signifiers' to a family meal! Yes, if you're at a dinner organized by the workplace, leave the end of the table or other 'special' place for your boss (unless your boss is sensible like King Arthur and has organized round tables!) But nobody at a family Christmas dinner should be seen as 'the boss', and these considerations should not even be relevant.

I think it depends how close you are as a family.

We don’t really have a large extended family - for Christmas dinner it was just 4 of us and we just sit where we like obviously. But if I had a very large family and there was an obvious best seat and someone just plonked themselves in it I think that’s a bit off. The polite thing to do is to ask where to sit. That’s what I’d do when going to someone’s house.

TedMullins · 26/12/2021 12:10

@packetmix

I’m with you OP. Can’t believe there are so many people on this thread that don’t understand the history, etiquette and power signifiers in sitting at the head of the table 😱

I’d never in a MILLION YEARS dream of plonking myself down at the head of the table in someone else’s home. OMG I’m just cringing inside at the looks I’d get from any of my family or friends if I did that.
It’s extremely rude and presumptuous to have done this without being asked. Are you sure your dh hasn’t offered her this place years ago and now she (rudely) continues to assume it’s her place?

I can’t believe anyone exists in the year 2021 who cares
icedcoffees · 26/12/2021 12:29

@packetmix

I’m with you OP. Can’t believe there are so many people on this thread that don’t understand the history, etiquette and power signifiers in sitting at the head of the table 😱

I’d never in a MILLION YEARS dream of plonking myself down at the head of the table in someone else’s home. OMG I’m just cringing inside at the looks I’d get from any of my family or friends if I did that.
It’s extremely rude and presumptuous to have done this without being asked. Are you sure your dh hasn’t offered her this place years ago and now she (rudely) continues to assume it’s her place?

I can't believe it's 2021 and people actually care about where anyone sits at a bloody table.
WreathSupreme · 26/12/2021 14:09

@packetmix

I’m with you OP. Can’t believe there are so many people on this thread that don’t understand the history, etiquette and power signifiers in sitting at the head of the table 😱

I’d never in a MILLION YEARS dream of plonking myself down at the head of the table in someone else’s home. OMG I’m just cringing inside at the looks I’d get from any of my family or friends if I did that.
It’s extremely rude and presumptuous to have done this without being asked. Are you sure your dh hasn’t offered her this place years ago and now she (rudely) continues to assume it’s her place?

Good one 😂
KatherineJaneway · 26/12/2021 14:31

Surely when going to sit at someone else's dinner table the question is 'where do you want me'.

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2021 14:35

@Holly60

I think it’s an overreaction to what are clearly just turns of phrase/the way she expresses herself. Let it go, try to stop it bothering you. And breath….
^^This
SkankingMopoke · 26/12/2021 14:54

@ENDOFMESSAGE

When people say "best seat" in the lounge, they tend to mean an armchair with best view of the TV and usually a small side table for placing a hot drink upon. It's an old fashioned thing where the man of the house would have 'his chair' the wife and kids weren't allowed to sit in.
But then that is where you have gone wrong, surely? You choose and arrange furniture so that everyone gets a good view of the TV, a comfy seat, and an equally good spot to put their drink? which in our house means nobody gets a table and must balance it on a window sill or risk the floor Why would you spent good money and take up room with a seat you wouldn't want to actually sit on yourself? All of our household have their favourite seats, but that is from habit. If someone else has got it first, it is never an issue to sit elsewhere.
DynamiteFilledRadish · 26/12/2021 14:57

So what are your thoughts on the 8 pages of responses, OP? I noticed you only came back once and that was to personally attack another poster.

Kite22 · 26/12/2021 15:50

Does anyone else read posts from women like the OP and think God I am dreading when I have a DIL

No, fortunately my adult dc all have lovely partners.

SickAndTiredAgain · 26/12/2021 17:54

Can’t believe there are so many people on this thread that don’t understand the history, etiquette and power signifiers in sitting at the head of the table

People can understand those things and choose to ignore them. No one in my family is more important, same for when we’ll visit my parents later this week - they don’t view themselves as more or less important than any of their daughters, sons-in-law, granddaughter. We’ll all sit wherever, and no one will be offended, or take any sense of importance from sitting at either of the two ends. If anyone sitting at the head said anything to suggest they thought it was a “special” seat, they’d be laughed at.

SisterAgatha · 26/12/2021 18:05

I actually do have a best seat in the house in terms of, it’s special occasions only, it’s my expensive velvet chair and it’s upholstered with perfection.

Literally anyone can sit in it. Anyone. I don’t care. I just let them enjoy the beauty of the beautiful chair that I have the glory of owning. Calm down OP.

Ineedaduvetday · 26/12/2021 18:11

Can’t believe there are so many people on this thread that don’t understand the history, etiquette and power signifiers in sitting at the head of the table

You could also choose to ignore her power play, if indeed that what it was.

Ginger1982 · 26/12/2021 18:15

We have a rectangle table. DM sat at one end and DMIL at the other end yesterday because DS decreed it 🤷🏼‍♀️ It made zero difference to the day.

PolarBearYumYums · 26/12/2021 18:16

I sit at the head of my table with one of my grandchildren alongside me. One of the other members of the family sit at the other end opposite me. I usually tell the person I’d like them to sit there.

There’s a responsibility and a level of respect that comes with where a person sits at the and it’s how I like it done.

BoredZelda · 26/12/2021 18:31

“Most honoured”? At a family dinner?

Never mind that, “most honoured female” takes second place to the most honoured male? Fuck that.

BoredZelda · 26/12/2021 18:32

There’s a responsibility and a level of respect that comes with where a person sits at the and it’s how I like it done.

There really isn’t. Everyone is respected equally in my house. Unless they start banging on about silly rules for seating.

Notmoresugar · 26/12/2021 18:33

She would irritate the fuck out of me.

BoredZelda · 26/12/2021 18:35

Same here. My 10 month old sits at the head of the table. Perhaps I need to swap with her so she doesn't get any ideas above her station and start thinking she's in charge of everyone.

Agreed. My disabled 12 year old sits at the head of any table because it is the easiest one for her to reach and has the space she needs.

I assume the “oh it’s etiquette” arseholes would allow her to sit at the head of their tables.

Flowers500 · 26/12/2021 18:36

You sound like an uptight and unpleasant host, all etiquette and zero actual manners. Nothing she has done seems worth getting into a sweat over, maybe try getting a bit more excitement in your life?

ScreamingMeMe · 26/12/2021 18:45

Ha! I'd reinstitute the Patriarchy in the face of that - DP would simply have to sit there as The Man of the House if anybody tried that one with me.

Or I'd do the tilted head and tinkly little laugh so beloved of MN and say 'Oh, MIL, you are funny - if you sit there, you'd be the one running to and from the kitchen as we'd constantly be getting up and you'd have to move each time otherwise. You sit there (by least house/table trained child) where you won't be bothered by things like that.' And if that didn't work, well, that's the place where all the dirty plates and leftovers get stacked on their way out. Believe that the latter is what's termed Malicious Compliance.

How incredibly dickish. Even more so than the OP Confused

Alwayswonderedwhy · 26/12/2021 18:49

Head of table? Assume you mean she sat at the end of the table? Is there significant meaning to that in your house because it's just another seat in ours.

ChubbyMorticia · 26/12/2021 18:57

I was raised that the couple hosting gets seated at either end of the table. The idea of taking one of those seats, as a guest, would strike me as incredibly rude, and possibly as a power move, depending on the circumstances/history of the person/relationship.

We don't do the matriarch/patriarch thing, in terms of overall generations of family having one. Each parent is the matriarch/patriarch of their own unit, so no 'owed' deference to anyone.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/12/2021 18:59

@ScreamingMeMe

Ha! I'd reinstitute the Patriarchy in the face of that - DP would simply have to sit there as The Man of the House if anybody tried that one with me.

Or I'd do the tilted head and tinkly little laugh so beloved of MN and say 'Oh, MIL, you are funny - if you sit there, you'd be the one running to and from the kitchen as we'd constantly be getting up and you'd have to move each time otherwise. You sit there (by least house/table trained child) where you won't be bothered by things like that.' And if that didn't work, well, that's the place where all the dirty plates and leftovers get stacked on their way out. Believe that the latter is what's termed Malicious Compliance.

How incredibly dickish. Even more so than the OP Confused

Good, that's the way it was intended.