AIBU to be pissed mil at head of table

[Teatotal2]

Just that really and it isn't just for today, it's every time she visits, head of table, best seat in lounge etc.
I know I should be more charitable as she lost fil a couple of years ago but can feel it simmering, she can just be so entitled, if she showed some gratitude it would be different.
Also, I asked if she would like to stay over and instead of a "Oh, that would be lovely", "Yes, please" or "Are you sure it's no trouble" her reply was, "Well it would save me driving home!"😡
Response to offer of drinks etc. is usually, "If you're making one!", no please, thanks etc. Maybe it's me but my family are so grateful & expressive that it really needles me!
I know I should lighten up, it's Christmas bloody Day so please don't tell me too as that would definitely be counter intuitive.

Two perfectly normal responses from mil re staying over and accepting offer of a drink

@DappledThings

I totally misread your title. I thought you were asking if you would be unreasonable to be a drunk MIL sitting at the table and I was going to say, yes probably. Unless everyone is also pissed. But you meant pissed off, not pissed.

And I also have no idea what the best seat in the lounge is. Her way of expressing things sounds like a way of being polite to me. She's trying to not put you out whilst acknowledging you are doing things for her. Definitely a way I have expressed myself before too.

I was confused too, because you said pissed rather than pissed off. Pissed means drunk.

I don’t think “if you’re having one” on its own is polite. Where’s the please? If anything it should be “if you’re having one yourself, then yes please” otherwise it just sounds like a half hearted shrug really.

@DecayedStrumpet

Is anyone else now looking round their lounge trying to work out which is the best seat?

Found it.

People should say please and thank you

'Yes, I am making one, so would you like me to make you one?'

Hard not to say 'yes please' or 'that would be nice'. I would respond with this every time she said 'if you're making one'.

Which end is the head of the table?

I don't think that she's that ill mannered. It's just a turn of phrase. She's to the point. I don't see a huge difference between 'if you're making one' and 'oh yes please, if you're sure that it's no trouble?'. She's family so I would hope that she could be informal and relaxed in your company. Perhaps, being older she is choosing particular chairs out of comfort. Either way, I really couldn't get worked about it.

Crikey. This time next year I'll be a MIL. GF is here now - I'll be sure to watch my p's and q's if ever we go there. GF and DS are helping themselves to drinks.

FWIW - back in normal non covid times and even longer ago when FIL was alive. DH sat at one end of the dining table (his) end and FIL at the other. I have always sat nearest to the door because it's me who goes back and forth to the kitchen.

When MIL comes for Christmas now, I have a table arrangement and flowers at the end opposite DH. That was FIL's seat

We don't have best chairs they are all equally comfortable. MIL usually sits in the drawing room with me. The dc take over the family room and DH retreats to the quiet sitting room.

TBF MIL never comes for less than a week, in 30 odd years has never found the kettle and if she is asked if she'd like a drink responds with "what are you having" which absolutely does my head in because she can have what she fancies.

We were going to the North of England and hired a cottage for Christmas because she's too elderly to travel now at 86 and with early dementia and alzheimers. Unfortunately dd tested +ve last Sunday, as did GF. DH has gone to his mum's so she isn't sitting on her own at Christmas. I'm down here keeping it jolly and Christmassy in the Covid septic tank. Being pragmatic as am boostered and can work from home if needs be.

What was it you were moaning about op? Oh yes. Chairs and drinks! You could always do a table plan.

@PotteringAlong

You have a best seat in the lounge? You have a hierarchy of seating?

Maybe a throne?

2YO DD was head of our table!

It depends on the tone, no doubt; but most of these things seem trivial to me. 'If you're making one' is a common response to an offer of a cup of tea, etc. and is basically just saying that the host should not put them out making something specially, but if they're already making it you'll have it. It really implies 'yes please'. The offer to put her up for the night? - well, she maybe could have been more appreciative, but it really does depend on the tone. And the preoccupation as to who gets to be 'head' of the table, etc. seems rather strange at a family meal; more suited to a formal dinner. Your house, your rules, as regards where people sit; but unless she's sitting down somewhere where she's getting in everyone's way, I think it's a minor issue

Jesus, your poor MIL. Unless there's a massive backstory or dripfeed coming then she's done nothing wrong!

And who gives a shit about Head of the table? I think you may be in the wrong century. Also if there's only one good seat in your house then get new furniture

Fucking ditto 🙄

The couple hosting sit at each end of the table.
The most honoured female guest sits to the right of the male host.

Alternatively, you put people so the young children can be helped, the hosts can get out to the kitchen, and those with hearing aids are seated so they can hear best.

Turn your table around in your head. There's, she's at the bottom.

I think I'd choose perfunctory over "so grateful and expressive" any day

Yeah, my husband's family gush and it gets on my nerves.

I totally get this !
Funnily enough though it's my oldest daughter who plonks herself in 'my seat' when she visits. If it was anyone else, I'd truly get them hump. ( I know ! I can't help it though !) whoopee cushion time maybe ???

My cousin is exactly the same and her kids do it now. They are not a family that say please or thank you.

I dont think they are purposely trying to be ungrateful just that manners are not their strong point..

As soon as you said best seat in the house I imagined The Iron Throne or that scene in scarface.

I think you are being UR just because they do sound like standard responses to me.

I don't think I would care if she sits in the "best" seat, presumably its only a few times a year and I doesn't really make any difference.
The no pleases or thank you I can see is annoying but maybe just stop offering for her to stay the night or offering her drinks if you don't want her to stay or the manners are a problem.

@TeenMinusTests

The couple hosting sit at each end of the table. The most honoured female guest sits to the right of the male host.

Alternatively, you put people so the young children can be helped, the hosts can get out to the kitchen, and those with hearing aids are seated so they can hear best.

“Most honoured”? At a family dinner? It’s not a formal dinner party.

YABVU.
I presume there is a backstory.

Nothing she has said there is rude or odd IMO.
I would say "If you're having one" in response to being offered a cuppa when I were somewhere for a long time..... it is short hand for "well, thanks, that would be nice, but I don't want people making a fuss for me, I will just have one when the kettle is going on for a round".

The whole head of the table thing is just odd. I mean, I don't know anyone who would be bothered who sits where, but if you are, then do little name places.....or say "Oh, can you sit here, MiL, next to grandchild1" or whatever.