AIBU to be pissed mil at head of table

[Teatotal2]

Just that really and it isn't just for today, it's every time she visits, head of table, best seat in lounge etc.
I know I should be more charitable as she lost fil a couple of years ago but can feel it simmering, she can just be so entitled, if she showed some gratitude it would be different.
Also, I asked if she would like to stay over and instead of a "Oh, that would be lovely", "Yes, please" or "Are you sure it's no trouble" her reply was, "Well it would save me driving home!"😡
Response to offer of drinks etc. is usually, "If you're making one!", no please, thanks etc. Maybe it's me but my family are so grateful & expressive that it really needles me!
I know I should lighten up, it's Christmas bloody Day so please don't tell me too as that would definitely be counter intuitive.

The 'head of the table'?? You know this is the 21st century right? 🤦🏻‍♀️
And those responses don't sound rude. What are you expecting from her? Have you communicated this with her? Or with your husband at least?

head of table construct in your own head
best seat in lounge etc. she's a guest. Would you prefer she sat on the floor out of your way?

her reply was, "Well it would save me driving home!"😡. Response to offer of drinks etc. is usually, "If you're making one!" on it wouldn't hurt to shove a thanks on the end of that but my family are so grateful & expressive what does that actually mean?
Want a drunk Mom?
Oh gosh yes please if it's no trouble, that would be so amazing, you're really the best daughter ever!
(hands over a can of pop)

Do your family feel they have to over egg it to stop you stripping? .

@Bagelsandbrie

I don’t think “if you’re having one” on its own is polite. Where’s the please? If anything it should be “if you’re having one yourself, then yes please” otherwise it just sounds like a half hearted shrug really.

Yes this. I wouldn’t be able to resist ‘oh no I’m not having one myself right now’ and carry on doing something else!

I think I would dislike you immensely😊

Your poor MIL.

Both her responses sound very polite to me. "If you're making one" means "I'll have one if you're making drinks anyway but if you aren't then don't worry about making me one, I don't want to be a bother" and "Well it will save me driving home" means "I wouldn't want to assume that I could stay over but thankyou for offering as it will be nice if I could."
I don't get the 'head of the table' issue, that isn't really a thing.
I think possibly you are from very different backgrounds and not quite familiar/understanding of each others ways?

I don’t see what’s rude about your MIL’s response. I think she just has a different way of communicating from you.

You say grateful and expressive
I'd say gushing and over the top.
Absolutely can't abide fake sycophants.

Is that your only worry in life??

@HunterGatherer

You say grateful and expressive I'd say gushing and over the top. Absolutely can't abide fake sycophants.

This ^ My mother pantomimes hugely around gifts and I find it so fake and full of hidden agenda. You can see she wants everyone else to but my family isn’t like that. In think smiling and saying thankyou warmly is plenty.

I think i get where you're coming from, op. Do you feel unappreciated and that she is entitled? She might just not know how to be expressive due to personality type/ upbringing.
Context and non-verbal cues are key here so hard to say exactly but i actually do think it's rude to plonk yourself at head of table at other people's houses but i like to follow etiquette and think it's normal that the hosts invite the guests to sit down, even with family. Then, the host would normally say, please sit wherever you like or please sit here so maybe just be more assertive.
The other things sound like communication style differences so i would try and ignore most of it. Thanks would be nice though and costs nothing.

YANBU. I know someone just like this and I can't STAND it!!! Infuriating! Stressed me out to read this. Why can't they just say 'yes, please/thank you'!

And those who are implying that the head of the table thing in OP'S mind - it is really obvious when someone is acting entitled and going to lengths to avoid acknowledging any effort made on the part of others.

Although the person who I know who acts like this is an emotionally abusive toxic narcissist so that is probably influencing my opinion.

@HunterGatherer

You say grateful and expressive I'd say gushing and over the top. Absolutely can't abide fake sycophants.

Yes yes yes ^^

My ILs are like this. Every cup of tea is THE MOST AMAZING cup of tea. They have never seen a dress so BEAUTIFUL. (I was in a normal big standard daytime dress not a ball gown). They're DESPERATE to see the kids (but we haven't heard a peep from them in 8 weeks so... 🙄)

Hate false bollocks and insincerity. Gets right on my tits.

I don't understand this at all. What exactly is the issue?

I couldn't give a shit where someone sat in my house.

As for the lack of manners. It's not ideal, but aren't you just happy to help her out? If you're offering for a "thank you" and plenty of gratitude, then you're not offering for the right reasons.

Sometimes family don't need to say the words "thank you" to show they're grateful to you, they show it in other ways ❤

Poor MIL

@Ohpulltheotherone

I’ve learned that some people act incredibly self important because they actually don’t feel that important to anyone. It’s a lack of self esteem that causes this excessive arrogance.

That of course, is only some people. Your MIL could just be an ungrateful prat.

I bite my tongue these days and indulge them, if they are important to me. Life is short, if she needs to have the top of the table then let her crack on. Once she dies then you can have that seat. I’m not being flippant - that’s the reality isn’t it.

Yup, this sums it up

Is head of the table a thing still?
I wouldn't notice where people sat!

@Starcaller

2YO DD was head of our table!

My 2 yo was head of our table as well So entitled!

@Autumndays123

Does anyone else read posts from women like the OP and think God I am dreading when I have a DIL

Yep, dreading it. I hope my son won’t settle for a nightmare.

Husband always sits at the head of the table. He's the main cook (why I married him) and so the head of the table in our house is the nearest seat to the kitchen.
In accordance with strict etiquette, the most senior female guest sits on his right. But since this is invariably either my sister or my best friend, no-one is offended.
I sit on his left (to help clear plates) rather than at the other end of the table. Shoot me.

Yes I would find that trying as well.

On a lighter note... Do you have a smaller child in the family who can remind her to say please and thank you? Mine is forever pulling people up on their manners!

I'm now trying to work out which the best seat is in our living room. We have two sofas, both very comfortable.

"Are you sure it's no trouble"

Re: staying over - well yes it is, I've to wash all the bedding once you've gone and can't watch my choice of tv in the evening.
So I feel she is being honest, but a bit thoughtless too with her 'it will save me driving home'.
Get DH to ask her next time.