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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed mil at head of table

216 replies

Teatotal2 · 25/12/2021 17:22

Just that really and it isn't just for today, it's every time she visits, head of table, best seat in lounge etc.
I know I should be more charitable as she lost fil a couple of years ago but can feel it simmering, she can just be so entitled, if she showed some gratitude it would be different.
Also, I asked if she would like to stay over and instead of a "Oh, that would be lovely", "Yes, please" or "Are you sure it's no trouble" her reply was, "Well it would save me driving home!"😡
Response to offer of drinks etc. is usually, "If you're making one!", no please, thanks etc. Maybe it's me but my family are so grateful & expressive that it really needles me!
I know I should lighten up, it's Christmas bloody Day so please don't tell me too as that would definitely be counter intuitive.

OP posts:
Audreyhelp · 25/12/2021 17:48

Head of the table ,,,, pathetic

phishy · 25/12/2021 17:48

@PAFMO

So in YOUR house you have some kind of hierarchy about table places and chairs? Which visitors are supposed to what? Not use? And you invite her to do something that you don't actually want her to say yes to? Then get pissed off when she accepts?
You should let the hosts tell you where to sit. You certainly don't plonk yourself at the head of the table.
ilovesooty · 25/12/2021 17:49

@santaclothes

'Head of the table' - do you mean she sits at the end? Why does it matter where someone sits? Is this some weird hierarchy she is inflicting upon your household?
Does anyone care about this these days?
Xmasballsup21 · 25/12/2021 17:50

Sounds very petty. Have a chair at each end of the table then you can both be head of table. Hmm

Is drinking involved with this silliness

PAFMO · 25/12/2021 17:51

@phishy
The OP hasn't said that's what happens
But thinking about it, if I was invited to eat at a rectangular table with which I wasn't intimate, then I'd take an end, presuming the regulars at it don't.
Obviously I'd make a hideous faux Pas at the OP's,not being aware of the hierarchy.

Latenightreader · 25/12/2021 17:51

This sounds a bit Mary Musgrove (Persuasion) insisting she takes precedence…

Theimpossiblegirl · 25/12/2021 17:51

Let the matriarch have her moment, it's Christmas. I'm a big fan of not sweating the small stuff.

icedcoffees · 25/12/2021 17:52

You should let the hosts tell you where to sit. You certainly don't plonk yourself at the head of the table.

God, why does it matter where anyone sits?

Normando91 · 25/12/2021 17:54

Sitting at the head of the table wouldn’t bother me at all, sit wherever you like.
Without hearing the tone in her voice with her replies or knowing her personally I couldn’t really judge, but I feel like there’s more to this than just what you’ve said. None of this would bother me with my MIL, but she’s the loveliest woman I’ve ever known so… 🤷🏻‍♀️

ENDOFMESSAGE · 25/12/2021 17:55

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ShanghaiDiva · 25/12/2021 17:57

Happy for mine to sit at the head of the table as it is far, far away from me in the kitchen and prevents her from ‘helping’...

NoNameHere12 · 25/12/2021 17:58

Sorry but your acting ridiculous!
Head of the table, best seat in the lounge- these are weird things to even think.

Saying it saves her driving home is not her being rude, your reading into it too much and putting a negative spin on everything she is doing, chill out a bit

2TurtleDovesInARow · 25/12/2021 17:59

Whilst not gushing, her responses don't sound outrageously rude. I know it's trite but life really is too short. Unless you're going to drip feed some massive back story then just unclench and get on with enjoying your day!

SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 25/12/2021 18:02

She sounds completely normal?? I always say 'if you're making it anyway' when someone is making tea because I don't want to say yes and put them out of their way, or no and offend them. Is she supposed to coo and gush thanks constantly round your house? That's not what most families do.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 25/12/2021 18:02

😆As a MIL I’m clearly getting it very wrong!
Mind you, she certainly sounds like my MIL did ☹️

sweeneytoddsrazor · 25/12/2021 18:12

Which end of the table is the head?

Fairyliz · 25/12/2021 18:13

I’ve got a rectangular table, how do I know which end is head of the table? Hmm

Onatree · 25/12/2021 18:14

Sorry what is head of table?

Also what is best seat in lounge?

And more in alarm - WTF is wrong with “if you’re making one”?!?! I thought it was a British thing to say FFS in my 14 years in this country and now I need to unlearn it as it’s apparently rude?

SickAndTiredAgain · 25/12/2021 18:17

@Onatree

Sorry what is head of table?

Also what is best seat in lounge?

And more in alarm - WTF is wrong with “if you’re making one”?!?! I thought it was a British thing to say FFS in my 14 years in this country and now I need to unlearn it as it’s apparently rude?

I think “if you’re making one” is a very standard response.
rainbowandglitter · 25/12/2021 18:18

I've never even thought about who sits at head of the table. Why is this a thing in your mind?
My family also respond with 'if you're making one' to an offer of a drink. Isn't that just politeness? As in we don't want you to go to the effort of making a drink just for me?
Do you just not like her op and so everything she does annoys you?

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 25/12/2021 18:18

Seriously? I couldn’t get wound up about this.

Theremoresefulday · 25/12/2021 18:18

Flip me you have little to be annoyed about.

Unless you’re in the formal dining room with black tie, I thought head of the table was passé anyway?

I usually have a particular end of the table at Christmas but I’m the cook and it’s the one that’s handiest for me to nip to the kitchen.

AuntMargo · 25/12/2021 18:18

Oh you sound lovely !!!, Not

diddl · 25/12/2021 18:18

Who usually sits at the head of the table & are they pissed off about it?

I don't think she sounds rude.

I can't bear people who gush or are eternally grateful when you've offered them a simple thing.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/12/2021 18:19

@Icebreaker99

Traditionally you would give her the head of the table and the best seat because she is senior in age and a guest. It's hard to judge the tone of the rest, it could appear that she doesn't want to be a bother that's why she'll have a drink if you're making one. Unless there is a massive backstory coming these are minor things, and you MIL is family, does she really need to make a show of how grateful she is for your benevolence?
Ha! I'd reinstitute the Patriarchy in the face of that - DP would simply have to sit there as The Man of the House if anybody tried that one with me.

Or I'd do the tilted head and tinkly little laugh so beloved of MN and say 'Oh, MIL, you are funny - if you sit there, you'd be the one running to and from the kitchen as we'd constantly be getting up and you'd have to move each time otherwise. You sit there (by least house/table trained child) where you won't be bothered by things like that.' And if that didn't work, well, that's the place where all the dirty plates and leftovers get stacked on their way out. Believe that the latter is what's termed Malicious Compliance.