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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed mil at head of table

216 replies

Teatotal2 · 25/12/2021 17:22

Just that really and it isn't just for today, it's every time she visits, head of table, best seat in lounge etc.
I know I should be more charitable as she lost fil a couple of years ago but can feel it simmering, she can just be so entitled, if she showed some gratitude it would be different.
Also, I asked if she would like to stay over and instead of a "Oh, that would be lovely", "Yes, please" or "Are you sure it's no trouble" her reply was, "Well it would save me driving home!"😡
Response to offer of drinks etc. is usually, "If you're making one!", no please, thanks etc. Maybe it's me but my family are so grateful & expressive that it really needles me!
I know I should lighten up, it's Christmas bloody Day so please don't tell me too as that would definitely be counter intuitive.

OP posts:
SuPerDoPer · 26/12/2021 05:53

I can't bear people who gush or are eternally grateful when you've offered them a simple thing

Agree with this, my family are more like the MIL and I'm very happy with a straight answer. Can't stand people who trip over themselves not to be a bother. We've had visitors over Xmas who refuse a drink when it's offered purely because they could see I was busy. I'm offering because I want to, I don't want to engage in a ridiculous dance so they can feel like a good guest.

Also don't underswhy you would be angry about "Well it would save me driving home". That's a reasonable response, although I would have added a thanks to the end personally I would be angry with someone who didn't.

Latenightreader · 26/12/2021 06:03

@DrunkUnicorn

Yes I would find that trying as well.

On a lighter note... Do you have a smaller child in the family who can remind her to say please and thank you? Mine is forever pulling people up on their manners!

Mine too! Nothing like a three year old to insist that people wash their hands/cover their mouth when they yawn/say please and thank you. Mine also gives driving instructions ("two hands on the wheel Grandad") in a hugely disapproving voice.
SundayTeatime · 26/12/2021 07:28

I don’t see anything wrong with the MIL’s responses. “If you’re making one”, or “are you sure it’s no trouble?” etc ARE polite responses in English. It sounds like you are misunderstanding these verbal social interaction cues. The head of the table or best seat in the lounge stuff depends. Is she making people move seats? That would be rude. In a Christmas formal meal I might expect the host to indicate where everyone should sit at the table. The “best” seat in the lounge doesn’t make much sense to me.

SundayTeatime · 26/12/2021 07:29

Sorry, I meant to say “it would save me driving home” and not “are you sure it’s no trouble” above.

YourenutsmiLord · 26/12/2021 07:33

Who normally gets the best seat in the lounge - is it the head of the household? Who's that?

TeeBee · 26/12/2021 08:24

I can't see what she's done wrong. None of these sound rude to me, just different to the way you approach things 🤷‍♀️

LetsGoThenSanta · 26/12/2021 09:03

I wonder if you feel some resentment towards her for other things, therefore these other issues wind you up even more?

TheFairyCaravan · 26/12/2021 09:14

I’ve read some batshittery on here over the years but this one takes the biscuit.

I’m now trying to work out if I’ve ever offended MIL by sitting in the wrong seat. I do know I’ve said “if you’re making one” when offered a cup of tea. DDIL sits where she likes and helps herself. I quite like that. Maybe I’m supposed to be offended, though?

Bagelsandbrie · 26/12/2021 09:20

I am really surprised by these responses.

Fair enough the sitting in the wrong seat / right seat thing is batshit.

But if you aren’t saying “please” or “thank you” when someone is offering you something then it IS rude. It really is. Saying “if you’re making one” without a please added to it is rude. No two ways about it.

pinkyredrose · 26/12/2021 09:24

If this is the kind of thing that bothers you I'd say you're very lucky.

Autumndays123 · 26/12/2021 10:01

I'm always quite intrigued why so many women take issue with their MIL. In some cases, I think it's because mummy/son can't let go of the apron strings but in cases like this, where we only have one side of the story which is likely to be exaggerated and heavily biased re-telling (as humans do) and is clearly not an example of a MIL who falls under the overbearing/difficult category, I wonder if it's an issue in the DIL and DH relationship, where the MIL is hated and criticised because she is an important person in the DHs life and DIL doesn't like the competition or feels insecure. This then leads to the DIL finding reason to argue with and pick fault in the MIL

Saying that, I also wonder if this is just how difficult and overbearing MILs start out, as mean and hateful DILs. Maybe it's just a type of person.

packetmix · 26/12/2021 10:13

I’m with you OP. Can’t believe there are so many people on this thread that don’t understand the history, etiquette and power signifiers in sitting at the head of the table 😱

I’d never in a MILLION YEARS dream of plonking myself down at the head of the table in someone else’s home. OMG I’m just cringing inside at the looks I’d get from any of my family or friends if I did that.
It’s extremely rude and presumptuous to have done this without being asked. Are you sure your dh hasn’t offered her this place years ago and now she (rudely) continues to assume it’s her place?

PAFMO · 26/12/2021 10:23

@packetmix

I’m with you OP. Can’t believe there are so many people on this thread that don’t understand the history, etiquette and power signifiers in sitting at the head of the table 😱

I’d never in a MILLION YEARS dream of plonking myself down at the head of the table in someone else’s home. OMG I’m just cringing inside at the looks I’d get from any of my family or friends if I did that.
It’s extremely rude and presumptuous to have done this without being asked. Are you sure your dh hasn’t offered her this place years ago and now she (rudely) continues to assume it’s her place?

Perhaps because the people on the thread aren't as obviously snobby as the OP?
PAFMO · 26/12/2021 10:24

There must also be a series of invisible posts (to me) from the OP, as nowhere does she say that her MIL plonks herself anywhere.

Pedalpushers · 26/12/2021 10:27

@packetmix it sounds like you need new friends...

Nomoreusernames1244 · 26/12/2021 10:28

@Pedalpushers

@packetmix it sounds like you need new friends..

I read it as sarcasm and thought it quite funny….

rainbowstardrops · 26/12/2021 10:29

Seriously? It's 2021 FFS! I didn't realise 'head of the table' and 'best seat in the house' was even a thing anymore!!!
You sound hard work.

HoppingPavlova · 26/12/2021 10:38

I’m with you OP. Can’t believe there are so many people on this thread that don’t understand the history, etiquette and power signifiers in sitting at the head of the table

And I can’t believe, that on moving into 2022, there are people who still have these weird thought processes. I have a rectangle table, which end is ‘the head’? I have no idea. When whoever has cooked calls out ‘dinner’ everyone just comes from wherever they are in the house and clambers around the table. Our ‘prized’ seats are actually on one long side of our table due to its configuration in the nook it is in. Then the ends, then the other long side. Couldn’t give a shiny shit where I sit, DH sits, kids sit or guests sit - you just grab a spare seat. Maybe if people didn’t have such odd ‘rules’ that seriously should have been left behind nearly a century ago, they would be a lot less stressed and happier?

Westfacing · 26/12/2021 10:42

When did that well known phrase 'pissed-off' become 'pissed'?

How come she had her overnight things with her?

Even eating informally the host usually sits at one end of the table as they are the one getting up and down, so it's a a bit off for MIL to sit herself there, but surely you could have just sat at the other end.

Finally why should she not have the best chair in the lounge, she's your guest and your husband's mother. I'm sure you and your husband wouldn't nab it first.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 26/12/2021 10:45

"Head of the table" what are we in the 1950's?
"best seat in the lounge" Do you usually expect guests in your home to sit on the cheap seats whilst their hosts have the best ones?

I doubt your MiL could do anything to please you though could she, given that by the way your post comes across, you don't seem to like her much.

ddl1 · 26/12/2021 10:50

Can’t believe there are so many people on this thread that don’t understand the history, etiquette and power signifiers in sitting at the head of the table

And I can't believe that there are people who apply this sort of 'history, etiquette and power signifiers' to a family meal! Yes, if you're at a dinner organized by the workplace, leave the end of the table or other 'special' place for your boss (unless your boss is sensible like King Arthur and has organized round tables!) But nobody at a family Christmas dinner should be seen as 'the boss', and these considerations should not even be relevant.

itspartytime · 26/12/2021 10:58

It's interesting reading the dynamics on this thread - those who still adhere to the older ways and recognise the implied importance of these things and those to whom it's utterly meaningless. It's an insight into how things will be in the future.

IncompleteSenten · 26/12/2021 10:58

I understand the history.
And that's exactly what it is. History.
It has the significance you give it and nothing more.

Put the fancy chair with the arm rests in the middle. Fuck it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/12/2021 11:03

Do people still think about this?

In our house, visiting toddlers sit at “head of table” because high chairs take up more room.

Let it go.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 26/12/2021 11:05

@MrsSkylerWhite

Do people still think about this?

In our house, visiting toddlers sit at “head of table” because high chairs take up more room.

Let it go.

Same here. My 10 month old sits at the head of the table. Perhaps I need to swap with her so she doesn't get any ideas above her station and start thinking she's in charge of everyone.