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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed mil at head of table

216 replies

Teatotal2 · 25/12/2021 17:22

Just that really and it isn't just for today, it's every time she visits, head of table, best seat in lounge etc.
I know I should be more charitable as she lost fil a couple of years ago but can feel it simmering, she can just be so entitled, if she showed some gratitude it would be different.
Also, I asked if she would like to stay over and instead of a "Oh, that would be lovely", "Yes, please" or "Are you sure it's no trouble" her reply was, "Well it would save me driving home!"😡
Response to offer of drinks etc. is usually, "If you're making one!", no please, thanks etc. Maybe it's me but my family are so grateful & expressive that it really needles me!
I know I should lighten up, it's Christmas bloody Day so please don't tell me too as that would definitely be counter intuitive.

OP posts:
RobertaFirmino · 25/12/2021 19:43

@IncompleteSenten

Which end is the head of the table?
This is what I'm trying to work out. A rectangular table has two ends, surely?
BorderlineHappy · 25/12/2021 19:46

@IncompleteSenten Which end is the head of the table?

This is what I'm trying to work out. A rectangular table has two ends, surely?
@RobertaFirmino
Im assuming whichever end @Teatotal2 wants to sit on by the sounds of it.

TreeSmuggler · 25/12/2021 19:47

The best seat in the lounge? There's not normally such thing as that. Maybe upgrade your lounge suite this year so you have multiple comfortable chairs.

esloquehay · 25/12/2021 19:50

@Teatotal2, I imagine the feeling would be mutual. 😎

SkankingMopoke · 25/12/2021 19:53

I've only ever met one person who put any importance on who sat at the head of the table. It was my dad, and he was an abusive control freak obsessed with using tradition (and physical presence) to assert his dominance. The only time I would have an issue where anyone was seated, would be for practical reasons if all the chairs nearest the kitchen were taken. In this case, I'd politely ask someone to swap. I'd ask a household member if possible before a guest though.
It sounds like you need to upgrade some of your living room furniture, so that all who sit get a 'good' seat: problem solved.
Her answers to you offering her a drink sound normal and polite to me too.

It sounds like you really dislike your MIL. It really isn't worth sweating this kind of small stuff.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/12/2021 19:56

Ours is an oblong, lol. I never thought about who sat where. DH always sits at one end and my mother sat at the other with Dad (before he died) next to her. I sat next to DH which was closest to the kitchen lol. We never bother with place cards and other than DH, Mum, Dad, and me having 'our' seats everyone else figures it out for themselves.

Funny/not funny but when Mum's dementia got so bad that she could no longer come for family dinners DH told me that I should sit at the other end of the table now that Mum wasn't here. It just felt weird to me, like I was taking 'her' seat but I got used to it. She died of covid last February and oddly enough once again it feels odd to me to sit there this year.

Leave it go OP. In the long run it doesn't matter and you'll have plenty of years to sit at the head of the table.

On a side note: my MiL would always sit in the back seat of the car, even after she started having hip trouble. She said it was because it used to piss her off that her MiL always insisted on sitting in the front passenger seat and she always said that her DiLs would have their 'rightful place'. I loved that woman and still miss her.

Flowersandthings · 25/12/2021 20:03

It doesn’t sound like a major issue to me! She isn’t being rude about your home or your food. If you’re concerned about where people sit, make a table plan. If you don’t want her to stay over, don’t offer. If you need her to be more effusive say ‘but would you like to?’ Or ‘would you appreciate it?’

UnsuitableHat · 25/12/2021 20:06

She sounds presumptuous but I’m guessing there’s a bit more to this generally. Nothing you’ve described would be that bad if you liked her.

MadinMarch · 25/12/2021 20:06

OP,

Clearly you know what she is like.

I'm a fan of good manners, thankfully so are those around me.

I have zero tolerance for those who never learned basic words of appreciation.

Stop being a doormat and offer her NOTHING.

Tell your husband HE is responsible for her care and DON'T invite her to stay over again.

Turn down the temperature a little.
Just a little chilly will land.
@billy1966
FFS. It's Christmas. And even if it wasn't, she's just sitting in a chair, and has a way of expressing herself that you don't like.
It's not as if she's murdered the goldfish and set fire to the house

LovePoppy · 25/12/2021 20:10

Start using place cards.

Bluntness100 · 25/12/2021 20:13

God this is so 19050s, head of the table? Really? Best seat in the lounge? Rearrange it then, your family are all so grateful? Why would you want that and not all just getting along and enjoying yourselves.

It sounds like something you’d expect petunia and vernon Dursley to come up with in Harry Potter.

Chill op. Life’s too short to have a head of the table at home, to be focusing on lounge seating and just how much gratitude you got.

Bluntness100 · 25/12/2021 20:15

@billy1966

OP,

Clearly you know what she is like.

I'm a fan of good manners, thankfully so are those around me.

I have zero tolerance for those who never learned basic words of appreciation.

Stop being a doormat and offer her NOTHING.

Tell your husband HE is responsible for her care and DON'T invite her to stay over again.

Turn down the temperature a little.
Just a little chilly will land.

Flowers

Wow, few posts leave me speechless but this has succeeded.
Nomoreusernames1244 · 25/12/2021 20:17

But OP, I think you're missing an " off" in your title ;)

This, i thought you were really drunk because mil was sitting at the head of the table, probably in charge of dishing out alcohol.

PolarBearYumYums · 25/12/2021 20:18

@Icebreaker99

Traditionally you would give her the head of the table and the best seat because she is senior in age and a guest. It's hard to judge the tone of the rest, it could appear that she doesn't want to be a bother that's why she'll have a drink if you're making one. Unless there is a massive backstory coming these are minor things, and you MIL is family, does she really need to make a show of how grateful she is for your benevolence?
Spot on.
lesenfantsdelesperance · 25/12/2021 20:18

@billy1966

OP,

Clearly you know what she is like.

I'm a fan of good manners, thankfully so are those around me.

I have zero tolerance for those who never learned basic words of appreciation.

Stop being a doormat and offer her NOTHING.

Tell your husband HE is responsible for her care and DON'T invite her to stay over again.

Turn down the temperature a little.
Just a little chilly will land.

Flowers

You are NOT a fan of good manners. None of the things you have suggested are what most people would consider to be good manners. But I get that people don't understand that saying "if you're making one" is polite. It's regional.
SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 25/12/2021 20:19

Sounds like you're moaning about nothing. I wouldn't even be giving any thought to which seat people chose, unless I'd set up place cards and people ignored them or something. And "if you're making one" is considered quite a normal, polite response to the offer of a brew, where I'm from. They're saying that they will only accept the drink if you they aren't putting you out too much.

If you don't like her just be honest about it instead of nitpicking silly things like this.

lesenfantsdelesperance · 25/12/2021 20:20

When I have guests over, @Teatotal2 I tend to give them the best seats, especially if they are elderly, I will be attentive that they have a chair that suits them, or are near the fire, or whatever they need. It's just basic good manners, why would you not want your guests to have the best seat?

Chunkymenrock · 25/12/2021 20:20

@Xmasballsup21

Sounds very petty. Have a chair at each end of the table then you can both be head of table. Hmm

Is drinking involved with this silliness

Op did say she was pissed...
ShiteChristmas · 25/12/2021 20:23

Perhaps I’m not sufficiently versed in the etiquette of who ought to sit where during a family meal, but the drink response is a standard, polite British response, and I feel like you’re splitting hairs re. her response to the offer to say; she was obviously grateful.

I think you’re being very unfair and assume you just don’t like her.

CathyorClaire · 25/12/2021 20:25

No advice but I'm flabbergasted to learn that 'head of the table' jostling is even a thing in the 21st century.

Every day's a schoolday Grin

HoppingPavlova · 25/12/2021 20:31

It’s a problem you have made for yourself in your head. Looking at my lounge room I have no idea what ‘the best seat’ is. What’s more, I think if I asked household members to vote we’d probably all pick different ones, so how is this even allocated? Unless most seats are broken/ripped? In which case surely you don’t want a guest to sit on those as THAT would be rude? Maybe get yourself a new lounge if this is the case.

I don’t understand a head of the table either. We have an oblong table but people always just pile around as they come me from different parts of the house, no set seats. Our ends are not considered ‘heads’, plus there are two ends, so two heads surely if you thought like that? I would have thought this mindset was left behind in the 50’s.

Most of ‘upset’ just seems of your own making. I also don’t see anything wrong with her response to cup of tea but at this point I’ve stopped trying to figure out how your head works.

Ohyesiam · 25/12/2021 20:35

I think what you mean is that you don’t like her, and you’re looking for reasons to back this up. I get it, I do it with my MIL. It’s a bit immature, but hell, I’m only human.

SoftSheen · 25/12/2021 20:37

Icebreaker99
Traditionally you would give her the head of the table and the best seat because she is senior in age and a guest. It's hard to judge the tone of the rest, it could appear that she doesn't want to be a bother that's why she'll have a drink if you're making one. Unless there is a massive backstory coming these are minor things, and you MIL is family, does she really need to make a show of how grateful she is for your benevolence?

You should make your MIL feel welcome, and not split hairs over differences in the way she expresses herself. She is the mother of your husband! There is nothing in your post which suggests she is being overtly rude. Don't look for reasons to be offended.

5keletor · 25/12/2021 20:40

My MIL is an entitled witch who literally tantrums if she doesn't get her own way, but the stuff you describe wouldn't bother me.

saraclara · 25/12/2021 20:49

@Hankunamatata

Two perfectly normal responses from mil re staying over and accepting offer of a drink Confused
Yep. It's just as well I don't have a DIL or is think this was about me. Both responses are entirely normal in my world and my social group. A gushingly grateful and expressive response for the simple offer of a cup of tea sounds very odd.