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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP bought present for ex not me

230 replies

Cocopogo · 23/12/2021 23:46

We said we wouldn’t do presents as we’ve just gone halves on something fairly large, not too expensive about £100 each which we can easily afford. DP is currently saving for a new car he’s getting early next year.
I have bought him something, which I know was my choice but now I’ve found out he’s bought something for his ex (they are “just friends” but that’s a whole other thread) I’m feeling a bit sad that I won’t get anything.
AIBU to feel sad that he’s bought something for ex but not for me?

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 23/12/2021 23:48

Do they have dc together ? Could it be from the kids to her ?

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 23/12/2021 23:49

He would be my ex now op

BurningTheClocks · 23/12/2021 23:50

He’s done what you agreed to, you’re the one who’s decided to buy him something. Tell him you’ve changed your mind and want a present too, he’s unlikely to be telepathic.

babbi · 23/12/2021 23:51

Get rid of him .. that’s so hurtful..
Please leave - you deserve better OP

Wildrobin · 23/12/2021 23:53

I’m with burningtheclocks, he hasn’t meant to be hurtful as you agreed this so maybe talk to him

Justcallmebebes · 23/12/2021 23:53

You are right to be royally pissed off. He's a wanker. Hope your Christmas gets better x

BurningTheClocks · 23/12/2021 23:53

@Allmyarseandpeggymartin

He would be my ex now op
Then she need some to tell him it’s a dealbreaker. I kept in contact with old boyfriends for years after I was married, including cinema trips and birthday presents. They were friends. Husband has never minded,
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 23/12/2021 23:54

Tell him you've got something for him on impulse, and you know you'd said not but you feel a bit sad about having no present at all to open from each other, and something small would be fine but you'd like it.

I also think if they have DC together the present is more understandable. Is there a backstory though about them being 'just friends'?

Bouncer500 · 23/12/2021 23:57

We sometimes agree not to get each other anything if we have been spendy in the run up to Christmas. We still both get the presents we would usually get for others. We can cut costs by not getting anything ourselves. We can't cut costs by not buying others. I think yabu. His ex is presumably the mother of his children. It is nice that he shows his appreciation of her and you have still saved on costs by not getting each other. You can choose to take offence but it will be your choice and a silly one imo.

Original poster
Cocopogo · 23/12/2021 23:59

No DC. Just someone he dated for a few months years ago and been friends (sometimes with benefits) since.

OP posts:
SparkleWhale · 24/12/2021 00:00

Dump him.

SalmonEile · 24/12/2021 00:01

Every situation and circumstance is different so here’s some questions that might help navigate the AIBU , you don’t have to answer them but just think about them
Does he buy presents for a lot of friends? Or is it just her?
Is it an expensive thoughtful gift you would’ve liked yourself?
You’ve bought him something anyway after you both said you wouldn’t buy anything- does he know you’ve bought him a gift? Do you know for sure he hasn’t bought you something anyway?
If you hadn’t bought him anything would you still be annoyed he’d bought her something?

BurningTheClocks · 24/12/2021 00:02

If you’re not ok with the relationship, tell him and dump him.
But to be sad you haven’t got a present from him, when you both agreed not to is weird reasoning,

Bouncer500 · 24/12/2021 00:02

That's a bit weird. I thought she was an ex wife who looked after his children.

ProudThrilledHappy · 24/12/2021 00:04

Are you sure he hasn’t secretly got you a little something too? If not I have to admit I would be hurt by this too, especially if they dont have kids together.

Is there a backstory regarding their friendship?

GrandmasCat · 24/12/2021 00:04

It is not Christmas yet, he may come with a surprise for you as you planned to for him.

Or he may not because you agreed not to do presents, he may have kept to the part of the deal while you choose not to.

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 24/12/2021 00:05

I think the 'whole other story' is probably important here. I wouldn't be comfortable with DH buying ex's presents. (Helping kids buy them is different). Irrespective of whether we were buying each other presents or not.

Original poster
Cocopogo · 24/12/2021 00:09

No he hasn’t bought anything for anyone else. Last year he bought for me and my DC and the ex/friend. This year he has just bought for her.
I did say not to buy for me and DC and we’ll buy this joint thing, more to encourage the purchase of joint thing which he was hesitating about.
I very much doubt there is a secret gift. I suppose I’m just being grabby but I would have appreciated a little thing to open.

OP posts:
Deisogn · 24/12/2021 00:11

Throw this one back OP. In the kindest way possible, he's not that into you. And he's not over the ex.

DickMabutt73962 · 24/12/2021 00:16

I know this isn't the point, but I find it annoying that you've agreed not to get each other something but you've gone and gotten him something.

Longdistance · 24/12/2021 00:17

Get rid! Two’s company, three’s a crowd…

TheCatterall · 24/12/2021 00:17

So you told him not to buy you something.
He has followed your instructions.

You breached your own agreement without his knowledge.

And now your mad/sad about it…

He can’t win can he.

If his friend was male would you be less jealous about not getting a gift as you requested?

Please don’t expect him to be psychic. Please don’t mess around with partners by getting them to agree to X because you want a certain result elsewhere (the shared large purchase) and then being annoyed at them when they stick to the very agreement you requested.

Original poster
Cocopogo · 24/12/2021 00:21

Seems very mixed, from dump him to he’s only doing what I asked. I accept it was agreed but still feels a bit uncomfortable that he bought for his ex and not me, and yes I’m not very comfortable with the friendship and he knows this but told me in no uncertain terms that it’s not going to change.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 24/12/2021 00:31

@Cocopogo

Seems very mixed, from dump him to he’s only doing what I asked. I accept it was agreed but still feels a bit uncomfortable that he bought for his ex and not me, and yes I’m not very comfortable with the friendship and he knows this but told me in no uncertain terms that it’s not going to change.
It's your last sentence that would make me dump him. Let him get on with it. It wont ever change.
Redshoeblueshoe · 24/12/2021 00:37

LTB

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