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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP bought present for ex not me

230 replies

Cocopogo · 23/12/2021 23:46

We said we wouldn’t do presents as we’ve just gone halves on something fairly large, not too expensive about £100 each which we can easily afford. DP is currently saving for a new car he’s getting early next year.
I have bought him something, which I know was my choice but now I’ve found out he’s bought something for his ex (they are “just friends” but that’s a whole other thread) I’m feeling a bit sad that I won’t get anything.
AIBU to feel sad that he’s bought something for ex but not for me?

OP posts:
slightlysnippy · 24/12/2021 08:51

OP you are sounding rather ridiculous. you agreed not to buy each other Christmas presents and now your upset because he did as you agreed.

Real issue here is how do you feel about his obviously close friendship with his ex. Do you not trust him?

daisychain01 · 24/12/2021 08:53

@Cocopogo

No DC. Just someone he dated for a few months years ago and been friends (sometimes with benefits) since.
they are “just friends” but that’s a whole other thread

You know the score, you aren't his priority yet you continue to see him as your DP

You're clearly becoming his one with benefits, why are you wasting your time with him?

BurbageBrook · 24/12/2021 08:55

I’d be spitting feathers. He sounds completely disrespectful of your feelings about his ‘friendship’ too. I wouldn’t stand for it.

Autumnleaves4 · 24/12/2021 08:56

We said we wouldn’t do presents?? Why?? It’s once a year.

You still bought him one after saying you wouldn’t, why? So it’s then awkward when he doesn’t get you one and you feel sad. Very odd.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 24/12/2021 08:57

I think the present isn't the issue here, if you're not happy with your relationship, their relationship or a PP referring to his poor behaviour and cheating in a previous post, those are the issues.

If it was the present in isolation then it would depend for me what it was, if they've always exchanged gifts- something reasonably impersonal- book, bottle of wine, fine. If it was intimate or overly thoughtful like the kimono mentioned upthread, that would cross a line for me.

If you've agreed to no presents, you can't hold it against him if he sticks to that. If what you really meant was 'no big presents', next time agree a maximum budget instead.

debbrianna · 24/12/2021 08:59

Mixed messages. What where you trying to achieve by buying the presents when you had agreed not to. What I think is a problem is the thought of not getting your dc anything. Not even a small gift. But atbtge sometime you were OK that.

If he has got the ex a gift every year, it would be weired to not do the same this year becuase you have decided between you two to not get presents for your family.

debbrianna · 24/12/2021 09:03

I also, think it's wrong to get a present when you have both agreed not to. It's controlling behaviour. It was always the exes who acted nice but were always shitheads who did this. If you can't agree one thing, what more things will you just bypass and then get annoyed by

Kbish1 · 24/12/2021 09:03

Having read your posting history, you have either been together a couple of weeks or, he is a cheating shitbag and you have taken him back for inexplicable reasons.

If you aren't happy with your relationship shop with him. Or the relationship between him and her makes you uncomfortable, that's fine.

However, just because you decided to not do presents, doesn't mean he then is obliged not buy for her, when he usually does.

The fact that you then decided to actually buy him something, is just setting yourself up for upset and not his fault.

To reiterate he is a dick and you need to end the relationship. Yiu qrwnr happy with his friendship.

However, by getting back with him and then fancying around you are setting him up for failure and hurting yourself.

Actually, it sounds like you are becoming quite toxic yourself in the relationship.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 24/12/2021 09:04

YABU to agree not to buy each other presents then break that agreement. YABU to then be upset that he kept to your agreement and didn't buy you anything. I hate it when this happens, it creates a really awkward and embarrassing situation, it reduces trust, and it creates disappointment. It's a mind fuck. If you agree not to buy presents DO NOT BUY PRESENTS. Simple as that. YABU to object to him buying a gift for anyone else (although I wouldn't like the ex situation either).

However, you've got far bigger problems than this gift incident! YABU to stay with a serial cheat, someone who you described as having "worse morals than a dog", who back in September you said "I won’t forgive him this time. It’s isn’t just the cheating, it’s the mood swings, the misogyny and the shit sex". But here we are, clearly still very much together if you've bought a joint expensive gift 😳

MrsLargeEmbodied · 24/12/2021 09:07

the deal was no presents.
she is an ex - who is a friend
are they still FWB? Shock
what kind of relationship do you have?

PanettoneSeason · 24/12/2021 09:07

@Kbish1

Having read your posting history, you have either been together a couple of weeks or, he is a cheating shitbag and you have taken him back for inexplicable reasons.

If you aren't happy with your relationship shop with him. Or the relationship between him and her makes you uncomfortable, that's fine.

However, just because you decided to not do presents, doesn't mean he then is obliged not buy for her, when he usually does.

The fact that you then decided to actually buy him something, is just setting yourself up for upset and not his fault.

To reiterate he is a dick and you need to end the relationship. Yiu qrwnr happy with his friendship.

However, by getting back with him and then fancying around you are setting him up for failure and hurting yourself.

Actually, it sounds like you are becoming quite toxic yourself in the relationship.

@Kbish1 Ahhhh...this paints a rather different story 🙄 clearly the back story with the ex is more of an issue than the gift situation?
Aprilx · 24/12/2021 09:09

Imagine you heard a story like this. “We agreed not to buy presents, but then unbeknownst to me she got me something and then dumped me because I didn’t get her anything”. You would think she is slightly unhinged surely? This is how that part of your story sounds to me anyway.

As to whether there is something going on with the ex, well that is a different matter.

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 24/12/2021 09:10

YANBU while he may be doing what you asked, surely convention would dictate that if he's not going to buy you, HIS DP something, he wouldn't then go and buy an EX something. I mean, you don't buy your ex something but not your actual partner. That's off.

I would actually tell him you know he bought ex something so 'presume you bought me something too, I also got you something, and I am sure I will love what you got me' and see the guilt churn in him, then he'll probably race out and get you something.

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 24/12/2021 09:11

Then again, I would not be with a man who buys his ex presents. Exes are exes for a reason. She should no longer be a factor in his life whatsoever, and you're a doormat if you accept him buying her presents.

Kbish1 · 24/12/2021 09:11

@PanettoneSeason don't think it her he cheated with. But given he has cheated a few times, it possibly could be.

Op seems to accept anything he does. Then engages in her own toxic behaviour, I think in the hope he will prove he is a decent man.

He isn't. Op knows he isn't but is responsible for her own hurt because she keeps doing this shit.

Or its a new bloke and she is being entirely ridiculous

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 24/12/2021 09:14

@Aprilx

Imagine you heard a story like this. “We agreed not to buy presents, but then unbeknownst to me she got me something and then dumped me because I didn’t get her anything”. You would think she is slightly unhinged surely? This is how that part of your story sounds to me anyway.

As to whether there is something going on with the ex, well that is a different matter.

@Aprilx You are missing the point. It is more like this: Imagine you heard a story like this. “We agreed not to buy presents, but I then decided to get my ex a present and not my actual current partner" You would think HE is slightly unhinged surely? And still in a relationship with his ex because he buys his EX a present, but not his ACTUAL partner. Who does that? That's not normal! If you don't buy for your actual partner, surely you wouldn't buy for an ex.
WeAllHaveWings · 24/12/2021 09:14

So you made an agreement not to get presents, then you buy him something when you know he is sticking to your agreement.

All you have done is made yourself feel shit and he will feel shit on Christmas day too. Merry Christmas Hmm

christmaskittenincoming · 24/12/2021 09:15

What has he bought her?

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 24/12/2021 09:16

@WeAllHaveWings

So you made an agreement not to get presents, then you buy him something when you know he is sticking to your agreement.

All you have done is made yourself feel shit and he will feel shit on Christmas day too. Merry Christmas Hmm

@WeAllHaveWings Yet he still chose to buy his ex a present. So I doubt he will feel like shit as he clearly has no decency or common sense. The present for the OP, is now the ex's present. So he still bought a present. Just gave it to an ex.
Kbish1 · 24/12/2021 09:17

You are missing the point. It is more like this: Imagine you heard a story like this. “We agreed not to buy presents, but I then decided to get my ex a present and not my actual current partner" You would think HE is slightly unhinged surely?

That's not quite it either though.

He has always bought a present for the ex/friend. Op knew this when they agreed they weren't doing presents for eachother.

For some reason she decided to believe that this would mean, he wouldn't buy a present for someone he always had done.

If she is unhappy with the relationship he has the ex, then she can leave him.

She can't assume that he will change behaviour, because they are doing something different this year.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/12/2021 09:19

@Cocopogo

Seems very mixed, from dump him to he’s only doing what I asked. I accept it was agreed but still feels a bit uncomfortable that he bought for his ex and not me, and yes I’m not very comfortable with the friendship and he knows this but told me in no uncertain terms that it’s not going to change.
He has a right to have a friendship with whomever he wants. The fact they used to have sex occasionally doesn't change that. But you have a right to not be OK with that and fro it to be a deal breaker.

You knew presumably as he brought for her last Yr he'd do so this year. You told him not to buy you anything this year (in order to get him to buy the other thing you wanted) and he's assumed you meant it. He hasn't done anything wrong. It would be weird to tell friend I can't buy for you this year, my gf told me she doesn't want a gift.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/12/2021 09:20

Yet he still chose to buy his ex a present. So I doubt he will feel like shit as he clearly has no decency or common sense. The present for the OP, is now the ex's present. So he still bought a present. Just gave it to an ex.. Given he brought for the ex last Yr, there's absolutely nothing to suggest he'd brought op a gift, she said don't, so he regifted it to an ex.

Dyrne · 24/12/2021 09:22

I bought one of my exes a present. And he bought me one. Some of us can be friends with our exes. DP was best man at his wedding.

I also disagree that OP’s partner “didn’t get her anything” - he did, he got her part of this expensive present.

OP if you’re unhappy in your relationship end it (and end it permanently). It sounds like you have genuine grounds to kick him to the curb from his past behaviour.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 24/12/2021 09:23

It’s ridiculous to pretend to agree to no gifts because you wanted the joint thing, whilst going against that agreement yourself and secretly hoping your DP is going to know that what you actually meant is you did want a gift.

Don’t do that.

prh47bridge · 24/12/2021 09:27

At one level, he's done exactly what you agreed. You said that you wouldn't buy each other presents and that he wouldn't buy anything for your DC so he's stuck to that. That doesn't mean he can't give presents to anyone else. You haven't stuck to what was agreed as you've bought something for him. If you wanted him to get you something, you should have said so.

However, it seems the underlying problem is that you aren't comfortable with his friendship with his ex. A positive is that he hasn't taken that friendship underground, which would be very dangerous. But ultimately, since he isn't going to drop that friendship, you either need to figure out a way of getting comfortable with it or drop him.