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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP bought present for ex not me

230 replies

Cocopogo · 23/12/2021 23:46

We said we wouldn’t do presents as we’ve just gone halves on something fairly large, not too expensive about £100 each which we can easily afford. DP is currently saving for a new car he’s getting early next year.
I have bought him something, which I know was my choice but now I’ve found out he’s bought something for his ex (they are “just friends” but that’s a whole other thread) I’m feeling a bit sad that I won’t get anything.
AIBU to feel sad that he’s bought something for ex but not for me?

OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 24/12/2021 06:53

Yes, I think the thread is about the wrong thing. You can't agree no presents then get a present and be upset the other person hasn't.
Whether his friendship with the ex matters is a different question.

Takemedown · 24/12/2021 06:56

You agreed you weren't doing presents and now you're upset he didn't get you a present. Is he supposed to be a mind reader?

If you can't communicate with him about something like Christmas presents then you've got bigger problems.

Juniper68 · 24/12/2021 06:59

LTB

fourminutestosavetheworld · 24/12/2021 07:01

"He said that's not going to change even though he knows it upsets you. He's putting his ex first over your feelings."

No he's putting himself first. Why should he drop an important friendship? I wouldn't.

lisaandalan · 24/12/2021 07:11

He'd be my ex too, I would also be wondering if he's keeping her in the wings because he'd like to settle down with her but she doesn't want too.
Get rid of him you're wasting your time, if you had to give up your Christmas present for a joint purchase he's not only not nice but a greedy bastard too. X

Lolamento · 24/12/2021 07:19

No, if that is what you agree. Do you want to exchange presents or not?

Lolamento · 24/12/2021 07:20

He may have one fro you. Xmas is not even here yet,

SpiderFluff · 24/12/2021 07:21

Oh I'm so sorry. It sounds like he is forever going to be hung up on his ex. I'd leave him

percythewitch · 24/12/2021 07:23

I did say not to buy for me and DC and we’ll buy this joint thing, more to encourage the purchase of joint thing which he was hesitating about.

So he hasn't bought anything for you and the DC which is exactlt what you agreed.

You, however, have not done as agreed and you have bought him a present. You also seem to be secretly wishing that he has bought you something to open, despite this not being what you agreed.

Did you explicitly tell him that he wasn't to buy anything for other people? How was he supposed to know that just because you didn't want a gift (even though you actually do) that means that nobody else should get a gift either.

AIBU to feel sad that he’s bought something for ex but not for me?

No, because you told him not to get you anything

ExplodingCarrots · 24/12/2021 07:26

Have you posted about him and his ex/friend quite recently? You only met her recently and it didn't go well ...

Roselilly36 · 24/12/2021 07:27

Totally unacceptable, I would dump him, he clearly isn’t over the ex, if he’s buying a gift a Christmas. Yes, my advice would be to dump him, and perhaps he will buy you a gift next next year as an ex.

SpiderFluff · 24/12/2021 07:28

For me it's not so much that he didnt get you a gift. But why is he getting his ex a gift?

DirtyDancing · 24/12/2021 07:33

Why don't you talk to him & tell him how you feel?

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 24/12/2021 07:35

Who buys for his family then? You?

Sparkletastic · 24/12/2021 07:37

He's keeping his options open with the ex in case it doesn't work out with you.

Misspacorabanne · 24/12/2021 07:37

Op your worth more! Get rid!
It's not so much the buying a present for ex, although I can see why you feel the way you do! It's the fact that he won't put your feelings first! You've told him your uncomfortable him being friends with her, and he's told you that he won't change that!
You deserve better!! Honestly.

Landof · 24/12/2021 07:39

I think the 2 issues are separate.

  1. He always buys her a present so why would that change this year? You are either OK with this or you aren't. If you aren't OK with it and he knows this then only you can decide if that's a deal breaker.
  1. You told him not to do presents. It doesn't matter the reasons why, but that's what you said. So you can't then be annoyed that he hasn't got you anything.
Dishwashersaurous · 24/12/2021 07:43

So last year he bought presents for you, the kids, and his friend.

Then you explicitly told him and agreed not to do presents between you.

He then followed the agreement and didn't buy you a present.

But he bought one for his friend, as they didn't have any agreement not to get something.

You then ignored your agreement and bought him something.

Surely he's the one who should be upset as it is you who ignored the no present agreement.

If you wanted a present then why did you agree no present?

madisonbridges · 24/12/2021 07:43

Yours sounds a very confusing relationship.
Every year he buys you and your (not his?) children a present. This year you've said he doesn't need to buy any of you a present because he's co buying something that he wasn't sure about buying but you've persuaded him to?
Every year he buys his friend a present. This year you don't think he should buy her a present because you've told him not to buy you a present although he is co-buying something with you so is sort of buying you a present?
So his friend doesn't get a present because you don't want a present although you are getting some sort of present? And if he hadn't bought her a present, which he always does, you'd be happy not to be getting a present?
Did you think that because you'd said you didn't want a present, he shouldn't buy someone else a present? That sounds quite controlling.

MsDogLady · 24/12/2021 07:46

Coco, never mind about the gift. Why are you back with this serial cheat? In September you discovered he was cheating again. You were also fed up with his misogyny, mood swings, and the bad sex, after which he always leaves immediately or tells you to leave if at his house.

Why do you diminish yourself with this utter Loser?

Whydidimarryhim · 24/12/2021 07:46

Have you met this friend - has he bought her a gift before - yes you can change the goal posts - he’s likely took you at your word - no presents - you don’t have to give it too him this year - save it for his birthday instead?

FreedomFaith · 24/12/2021 07:48

Disagree with others. If you actually think that getting an ex a present, specifically only an ex, not one for your own children or your PARTNER, that's just fucking weird. Irrespective of any decisions about present giving for family. He went out of his way to shop for some other woman, and not his own FAMILY.

They are not just friends. He still likes her, I'm betting she dumped him?

curlii103 · 24/12/2021 07:49

Mmm not sure i buy for an awful lot of people but not especially my husband! We have shared finances etc so i dont want to waste money on something hes not botheres by!...id be put out but my oh would do that wiyhout thinking

Bluntness100 · 24/12/2021 07:49

I’m not aligned with these responses either. You agreed no presents, not no presents for anyone and he couldn’t buy friends, this woman will likely buy for him also and it’s their tradition, you then reneged on it, bought him a gift, which is likely to make him feel awkward and are now pissed you’re not getting a gift.

If you want a gift do not agree no gifts.

madisonbridges · 24/12/2021 07:51

@MsDogLady

Coco, never mind about the gift. Why are you back with this serial cheat? In September you discovered he was cheating again. You were also fed up with his misogyny, mood swings, and the bad sex, after which he always leaves immediately or tells you to leave if at his house.

Why do you diminish yourself with this utter Loser?

Oh. Well if this is true, my advice would be to get rid. But that would have nothing to do with Christmas presents.