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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP bought present for ex not me

230 replies

Cocopogo · 23/12/2021 23:46

We said we wouldn’t do presents as we’ve just gone halves on something fairly large, not too expensive about £100 each which we can easily afford. DP is currently saving for a new car he’s getting early next year.
I have bought him something, which I know was my choice but now I’ve found out he’s bought something for his ex (they are “just friends” but that’s a whole other thread) I’m feeling a bit sad that I won’t get anything.
AIBU to feel sad that he’s bought something for ex but not for me?

OP posts:
Mouseonmychair · 24/12/2021 17:00

The problem is the op buying a present when she said she wouldn't. The partner has stuck to his side of the bargain.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 24/12/2021 18:35

@Cocopogo

Seems very mixed, from dump him to he’s only doing what I asked. I accept it was agreed but still feels a bit uncomfortable that he bought for his ex and not me, and yes I’m not very comfortable with the friendship and he knows this but told me in no uncertain terms that it’s not going to change.
I'd feel uncomfortable about this "friendship" too, OP. Even more so since he insists it's going to continue - presumably "with benefits"? YADNBU about that.
Original poster
Cocopogo · 25/12/2021 11:52

I’ve just caught up. So I’ve decided to just give DP the small token gift (book) and I’ve given DS a bigger gift (game) and I’ve kept the large gift and will give it on his bday or perhaps mention doing a present on valentines or something since his bday is in October!

OP posts:
TrishM80 · 25/12/2021 12:45

Did the DP have a similar arrangement not to buy presents for his relatives and friends?

Dancingsmile · 25/12/2021 17:56

OP why are you still putting up with him having a relationship with FWB. This is not about the present.

DeeCeeCherry · 25/12/2021 18:14

I’m not very comfortable with the friendship and he knows this but told me in no uncertain terms that it’s not going to change

And you're still with him why, exactly? You seem to have accepted the terms of his friendship for the sake of being his partner and at the expense of your own happiness.

It's just a rubbish way to live in this one life isn't it? I wouldnt be 'told' by any man.

Just get rid. We don't die for lack of a man you know, but we do wither when we choose to stay where we are unappreciated.

Eleganz · 25/12/2021 19:18

Time to have a good think about this relationship OP.

Doesntfeellikexmas · 25/12/2021 19:28

@Cocopogo

I’ve just caught up. So I’ve decided to just give DP the small token gift (book) and I’ve given DS a bigger gift (game) and I’ve kept the large gift and will give it on his bday or perhaps mention doing a present on valentines or something since his bday is in October!
Oh well that fixed the huge amount of problems you and your boyfriend have.

I am sure you will live happily ever after. Hmm

Original poster
Cocopogo · 25/12/2021 23:43

Well DP has just left and it was a pretty shit Xmas to be fair. He came round for about 3 hours. I asked him what he got for Xmas and he got some expensive aftershave and a shirt off the ex/friend, he had bought her some jewellery, like he usually does. He doesn’t buy/receive from anyone else. He brought a carrier bag in with him so DC got excited thinking it was a present for them so it was a bit awkward for a moment when he said no it’s not. All in all I know I have a lot to be grateful for but it just didn’t feel like Xmas at all with him.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/12/2021 23:48

Think that would be me done. Leave him to his —current— ex girlfriend

ProudThrilledHappy · 25/12/2021 23:50

Oh op. I agree with pps that you did agree not to buy presents but then again Im not sure I could be with someone who would not at least bring me a chocolate orange or a pair of socks to open after buying an ex jewellery.

A man who really cares about you will show it through their actions. Maybe this new year is time for a new beginning

giveupguessing · 25/12/2021 23:50

Sorry to read u had a shit day, I get you both said you would go halves on something but I couldn't swallow buying the ex something, and not even a selection box for the dc , sorry but I couldn't invest a future with that. X

caringcarer · 25/12/2021 23:58

Buying jewelry is a very personal gift and probably expensive too. Sounds like he still holds a flame for her tbh. What a wanker bringing the present in with him to your home. He should have left it in his car. He is not a keeper.

dumplings1 · 26/12/2021 00:13

That's not his ex surely, with them both putting in that much effort buying each other decent gifts while you have nothing, 3 hours at yours, the rest at hers?

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/12/2021 00:14

But you said you wouldn’t do presents?

It’s not particularly unusual you’d buy for your ex if they share kids/need to retain a relationship..

Or is this not really about the present?

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 26/12/2021 00:19

How long have you been together?

I wouldn't be bothered about myself, but the lack of gifts for your children is a big red flag for me. Wouldn't he want to show them he cares?

I don't think he's a good egg OP. I think he's more invested in his ex than you and your children.

Concentrate on your children and move on. Your poor kids who are also being disappointed by him.

JesusSufferingFuck22 · 26/12/2021 00:32

Ewwww. That's all I have to say really. It just sounds off.

dumplings1 · 26/12/2021 00:32

The kind of gifts they've bought for each other are the kind of gifts you buy for your bf/gf expensive aftershave for him to smell good... to her, jewellery to impress her. No way would I want to be around him smelling of the aftershave she's chosen for him.
Too weird, personal gifts like that are a red flag.

Stravaig · 26/12/2021 04:50

OP, there is power in accurately naming things. There is no DP - that suggests committed relationship. What is the nature of your commitment with this man? What agreements have you made, and stuck to, you to him, he to you?

Same with the presents. We have lots of details about the gifts he and his friend give each other, and then there is the mysterious 'joint item' you two bought together, all very vague. You wanted it, he hesitated, it's expensive enough that no other gifts between you was the sacrifice. Name it, at least to yourself.

You're inviting us to feel badly for you that your committed partner didn't buy you a present but did buy one for the other woman. That hasn't happened. It's dishonest. Your not-very-nice guy who you're sort-of-seeing bought you exactly what you asked for, stuck by the rules you suggested, and spent a few hours with you and your kids on Christmas Day. He also bought a gift for a friend, as he always does. That all sounds fine, within the limits of what you've settled for. If you want something different, be with someone different. Choose someone else.

Blankscreen · 26/12/2021 08:52

He has his priorities wrong if he wants a committed relationship with you.

How old is your DC? To not even turn up with cadburys selection box or similar for them is just mean.

Bringing her present into the house was just to put you in your place and reassert the fact that he has bought for her and not you

Presumably he went round there afterwards? Where did he eat his Christmas dinner?

Easy to say get rid but you have had a shit Christmas do you want the same again next year? Taking whatever crumbs are left over?

Fuck that.

Also what was the joint present???

Doesntfeellikexmas · 26/12/2021 08:57

You're inviting us to feel badly for you that your committed partner didn't buy you a present but did buy one for the other woman. That hasn't happened. It's dishonest. Your not-very-nice guy who you're sort-of-seeing bought you exactly what you asked for, stuck by the rules you suggested, and spent a few hours with you and your kids on Christmas Day. He also bought a gift for a friend, as he always does. That all sounds fine, within the limits of what you've settled for. If you want something different, be with someone different. Choose someone else.

100% agree with this.

RobertsYourFathersBrother · 26/12/2021 09:35

Ha! Same!

WhirringSounds · 26/12/2021 09:49

So your partner bought his ex some jewellery but he didn't buy your child any kind of gift at all?
Was there an agreement there for you both that he wasn't to buy your child a gift?
I find it odd to visit a child on Christmas Day and not take them anything, even something small and inexpensive. But he's your partner. So I would assume he would get your child something?

prh47bridge · 26/12/2021 10:03

@WhirringSounds

So your partner bought his ex some jewellery but he didn't buy your child any kind of gift at all? Was there an agreement there for you both that he wasn't to buy your child a gift? I find it odd to visit a child on Christmas Day and not take them anything, even something small and inexpensive. But he's your partner. So I would assume he would get your child something?
In the OP's third post on this thread, she tells us they agreed he wouldn't buy anything for her or her child. So yes, it was agreed by both of them that he wouldn't buy a gift for the OP's child.
LetsGoThenSanta · 26/12/2021 10:10

@prh47bridge
"In the OP's third post on this thread, she tells us they agreed he wouldn't buy anything for her or her child. So yes, it was agreed by both of them that he wouldn't buy a gift for the OP's child."

I must have missed that.
I wonder why you made the agreement for him not to buy you or your child anything. I understand when partners sometimes agree 'no presents' for each other and they stick to it.
But I'm wondering why you made the decision for him not to get anything for your child when they clearly had their hopes up when he arrived with a bag?