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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP bought present for ex not me

230 replies

Cocopogo · 23/12/2021 23:46

We said we wouldn’t do presents as we’ve just gone halves on something fairly large, not too expensive about £100 each which we can easily afford. DP is currently saving for a new car he’s getting early next year.
I have bought him something, which I know was my choice but now I’ve found out he’s bought something for his ex (they are “just friends” but that’s a whole other thread) I’m feeling a bit sad that I won’t get anything.
AIBU to feel sad that he’s bought something for ex but not for me?

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 24/12/2021 00:37

So the friendship with an ex is more important than you then.
Yes I’d be getting rid.
I mean he hadn’t even bought your dc anything, but he has enough money to buy for an ex gf? His priorities are somewhat skewed.
What did he buy her?

Atmywitsend29 · 24/12/2021 00:41

He's checked out. Leave him.

Suzi888 · 24/12/2021 00:48

@Cocopogo

No DC. Just someone he dated for a few months years ago and been friends (sometimes with benefits) since.
Hmm No. I wouldn’t like that one bit.
Lou98 · 24/12/2021 00:50

May be an unpopular opinion but you said they only dated for a few months but have been friends for years since - I think it is a bit unfair people saying he's not over her etc, they only dated for a few months. I have friends that I have in the past slept with, as does my partner. Being an ex doesn't automatically mean you can't be friends. It sounds like they get each other a gift every year. (I appreciate that there's obviously a backstory but without knowing that I do think you are BU)

I also think it's a bit silly being sad that he hasn't gotten you anything when you both agreed not to - if you wanted to have something to open the agreement should have been no main presents as you will split the big thing you bought but that you would get each other a token gift to open on the day. He isn't a mind reader - yes it would be nice of him to think and get you one anyway

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 24/12/2021 00:51

Have you got an ex you can give your gift to instead of to him???

leccybill · 24/12/2021 00:52

Get rid.

MadMadMadamMim · 24/12/2021 00:53

@Cocopogo

No DC. Just someone he dated for a few months years ago and been friends (sometimes with benefits) since.
That would be a deal breaker for me.
HeddaGarbled · 24/12/2021 01:11

Though it is doormatty to agree not to get each other presents and then get him one when you know he’s not getting you one.

Don’t give him the present. That would be embarrassingly pathetic under the circumstances.

Rebeccasmoonnecklace · 24/12/2021 01:18

OP, why was he hesitating and needed encouragement to purchase the joint item? Does he have commitment issues?

TravelDreamLife · 24/12/2021 01:40

The ex gifting is what would make me uncomfortable in this scenario. The relationship is inappropriate.

On the other issue, if you told him not to buy because you've bought a joint gift & he's bought for someone else as he usually does then you really are mind game playing to expect him to know to buy one. In his mind he already has. And you've told him that. If you want a gift anyway say so.

I absolutely HATE when people agree not to buy gifts then buy them. It's uncomfortable as a recipient & pisses me off. We just discovered SIL has bought our DC gifts when we agreed to only buy for DN if we see them on Xmas day (we're not). So now we're embarrassed, look foolish & the money earmarked for H & I to buy ourselves something is being spent on buying DN + two SDC (we never see) an expensive gift each (or will be returned) & figuring out what to buy & how to get it to them as they're not local (IL's have travelled to them for Xmas so will bring ours back).

So worry about the ex thing but you cannot be pissed off he hasn't read your mind & done the opposite of what you asked him.

WtfHuh1122 · 24/12/2021 01:56

Why are you sitting there saying to him no gifts this year and then buying him a gift and being annoyed he hasn't bought you one....?

Booklover3 · 24/12/2021 02:01

I’d be annoyed purely because it’s an expartner / friends with benefits… but to be honest after him saying it’s never going to change and he’s always going to buy her presents etc that’s probably when i would have left. I’m just not comfortable with that.

Anordinarymum · 24/12/2021 02:13

My friend's wife said this to him a few years ago.. not to buy each other a present at Christmas. He did not know why. He always bought her presents and even though he agreed to not doing so he did buy her a bottle of perfume as he felt bad.
They spent Christmas with family and when presents were exchanged he gave her the perfume.
Later when they left and when home she went crazy and did not speak to him for days.
I do not know why people do this sort of thing to each other ! Surely at Christmas you buy something for the one you love, and you certainly don't tell them not to buy for you.. why would you do that ?

BigGermanSausage · 24/12/2021 02:14

May be an unpopular opinion but you said they only dated for a few months but have been friends for years since - I think it is a bit unfair people saying he's not over her etc, they only dated for a few months

They have also been fucking since then and I'm willing to bet they will be fucking as soon as they are both single again, if they aren't already.

Throw him back, OP. This sounds fucking miserable.

Aubriella · 24/12/2021 02:27

The outlook is bleak.

Staryflight445 · 24/12/2021 02:34

What did he buy for her? I think this would change my reaction

Emerald5hamrock · 24/12/2021 02:34

He is aiming to please someone and it's not you.
Given the history between them I'd give him the boot.
He isn't interested in impressing you.

LovePoppy · 24/12/2021 02:45

So you made an agreement

Chose not to stick to it

Are mad he did.

This is somehow his fault for not reading your mind that you wanted him to go behind your back abs break your agreement?

PanettoneSeason · 24/12/2021 03:05

@Lou98

May be an unpopular opinion but you said they only dated for a few months but have been friends for years since - I think it is a bit unfair people saying he's not over her etc, they only dated for a few months. I have friends that I have in the past slept with, as does my partner. Being an ex doesn't automatically mean you can't be friends. It sounds like they get each other a gift every year. (I appreciate that there's obviously a backstory but without knowing that I do think you are BU)

I also think it's a bit silly being sad that he hasn't gotten you anything when you both agreed not to - if you wanted to have something to open the agreement should have been no main presents as you will split the big thing you bought but that you would get each other a token gift to open on the day. He isn't a mind reader - yes it would be nice of him to think and get you one anyway

@Lou98 Completely agree with you here! I have an ex that I was friends with, then we gave it a shot as a relationship and it didn’t really work but we continued with FWB for a while on and off. I then met my now DH and completely stopped everything with ex. Absolutely no overlap. He’s now married with DC, as am I. We’ve been friends for 18 years and our “relationship” was only about 18months of that. Firm believer that you can be friends with an ex! As you said, obviously there is a backstory with OP that may be relevant but in general “friends with ex” isn’t an automatic red flag for me!
YungWaffle · 24/12/2021 03:09

Don't actively tell people to do things that you secretly want them to do the opposite of. You're self-selecting for someone who will steamroll your boundaries and it's just generally counterproductive (as you're currently discovering).

Lou98 · 24/12/2021 03:11

@PanettoneSeason glad it's not just me!

I get that for a lot of people, for whatever reason, it's a dealbreaker that their partner can't be friends with people they've had a relationship with (as is shown is this thread), but it isn't a new friendship, it's quite often the case on here that someone isn't happy about it and the fact their partners said they won't end the friendship but they knew when they started the relationship that they were friends with an ex, I personally think it's then UR to expect them to end that friendship when they knew from the start and chose to go ahead with the relationship

StruggleStreet · 24/12/2021 03:15

YABU to be upset that he didn’t get you anything, you agreed not to do gifts so you now getting him something is a bit unfair.

But YANBU to be upset about him getting a gift for the ex. And YANBU to be upset generally that he keeps a relationship going with an ex (that he on and off has sex with from what I’m hearing)

PanettoneSeason · 24/12/2021 03:19

[quote Lou98]@PanettoneSeason glad it's not just me!

I get that for a lot of people, for whatever reason, it's a dealbreaker that their partner can't be friends with people they've had a relationship with (as is shown is this thread), but it isn't a new friendship, it's quite often the case on here that someone isn't happy about it and the fact their partners said they won't end the friendship but they knew when they started the relationship that they were friends with an ex, I personally think it's then UR to expect them to end that friendship when they knew from the start and chose to go ahead with the relationship[/quote]
@Lou98 Completely agree! I can’t imagine my DH ever dictating who I could or couldn’t be friends with tbh 🤔😬

Nosnowthisyear · 24/12/2021 03:22

What present has he bought her? Wondering if it is a personal expensive thing or just a book.

And what was the joint thing you bought together?

TheMilkyWeigh · 24/12/2021 03:34

@Cocopogo

No DC. Just someone he dated for a few months years ago and been friends (sometimes with benefits) since.
Well you are obviously ok with this as you have stayed with him.