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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP bought present for ex not me

230 replies

Cocopogo · 23/12/2021 23:46

We said we wouldn’t do presents as we’ve just gone halves on something fairly large, not too expensive about £100 each which we can easily afford. DP is currently saving for a new car he’s getting early next year.
I have bought him something, which I know was my choice but now I’ve found out he’s bought something for his ex (they are “just friends” but that’s a whole other thread) I’m feeling a bit sad that I won’t get anything.
AIBU to feel sad that he’s bought something for ex but not for me?

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 24/12/2021 03:37

Why would you set up to fail like this. If you wanted to get presents then you shouldn’t have agreed not to get presents!!

It’s so unfair to say one thing and mean another. I really don’t understand why people do this.

Blossom987 · 24/12/2021 03:39

It’s the buying the gift for her and nobody else (other friends? His own family?) that is the red flag for me. On top of previously having a friends with benefits style relationship (not just an ex with a clear break). Even if he had bought a gift for you and her.. there is still nobody else he buys for and I would want to know why. Are they best of friends?

KalvinPhillipsManBun · 24/12/2021 03:51

@SparkleWhale

Dump him.
What for? Fgs only on here do you find the worlds most offended people! Her fault and no one else's, her issues are no one else's to deal with.
Marvellousmadness · 24/12/2021 03:55

You said no presents
So that's on you
The fact he bought his ex something... well that is a whole other story. And the fact he is all " deal with it"... well...

..

CakesOfVersailles · 24/12/2021 03:55

The not buying you a present is irrelevant because you agreed not to get presents. Saying you will not do presents and then buying one anyway is unfair. Also, agreeing not to do presents with each other does not mean not buying presents for other people outside that agreement - presumably you expected he would be buying for family and friends?

However buying his ex a present is something else entirely. If that makes you uncomfortable, think about why. Are they just friends at the level of exchanging gifts? Or do you think there are deeper feelings there? From your "just friends" quotation it seems like you are uncomfortable with the nature of their relationship, which is a much bigger issue beyond feeling sad about presents.

CakesOfVersailles · 24/12/2021 03:57

Well ignore my line about him buying for family and friends, apparently he doesn't do that.

StarryNightSparkles · 24/12/2021 03:58

His instincts should be you first. It doesn't matter if you have both agreed on no presents. For him to buy an ex a present is completely unacceptable. Unfortunately op you don't come first for him 💐

LovePoppy · 24/12/2021 04:19

@StarryNightSparkles

His instincts should be you first. It doesn't matter if you have both agreed on no presents. For him to buy an ex a present is completely unacceptable. Unfortunately op you don't come first for him 💐
I genuinely don’t get this.

Him respecting her stated boundaries isn’t putting her first?

tolerable · 24/12/2021 04:33

buy her a gift too. then dump him.

RalphLaurenG · 24/12/2021 04:38

Nope, GONE. Absolutely unbelievable. Literally. That would be the end of my relationship and pretty swiftly too.

rainbowstardrops · 24/12/2021 04:54

On one hand, you did say no presents this year but on the other hand, I would not be happy with him buying for his 'friend with benefits' especially as he told you that won't ever change.
Seems like he thinks more of her I'm afraid.
Why was he hesitant about the joint present?

Wiredforsound · 24/12/2021 05:02

I don’t understand the hate here. You agreed not to buy each other gifts. You’ve broken that agreement and now you are sad that he took you at your word? If you wanted a present why didn’t you agree to get each other presents? And why did you get him a present anyway? That’s going to be a bit cringe on Christmas morning.

He bought a present for a long-standing friend - I assume that’s what they do every year. He hasn’t hidden that from you. Context is important here - lingerie? Not ok. Box of Dairy Milk? No big deal.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 24/12/2021 05:06

@Wildrobin

I’m with burningtheclocks, he hasn’t meant to be hurtful as you agreed this so maybe talk to him
Then he’s likely as thick as pig shit or devoid of emotional intelligence
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 24/12/2021 05:08

@DickMabutt73962

I know this isn't the point, but I find it annoying that you've agreed not to get each other something but you've gone and gotten him something.
No - it isn’t the point. I’m sorry, OP,m that you’re with a guy who prioritises his ‘ex’ over you
RoseGoldEagle · 24/12/2021 05:52

It sounds like you don’t really trust him when it comes to this ex. I think that’s a problem regardless of whether he gets you a gift or not. That is a separate problem you maybe need to think about (no idea whether it’s all completely innocent and they’re just friends or whether you’re right to be suspicious but either way feeling like this isn’t good). Aside from that, if you both agreed not to do gifts, you can’t be miffed that he hasn’t got you a gift really!

KatherineJaneway · 24/12/2021 05:56

We said we wouldn’t do presents

I wouldn't be impressed with you agreeing not to buy presents then buying one and expecting one.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 24/12/2021 06:00

I have a little list of people I buy gifts for. If one of them said they didn't want to exchange presents this year I'd take them at their word but it wouldn't stop me buying gifts for the other people on my list.

You clearly don't like him being friends with his ex. I can understand that but am myself friends with an ex and would resent a partner trying to stop that. It's an important friendship but nothing more. If you really can't handle it, it's time to call it a day.

Dancingsmile · 24/12/2021 06:03

Why are you in a relationship with someone who is still seeing their ex ?
He said that's not going to change even though he knows it upsets you. He's putting his ex first over your feelings.
Why is your standard of how you're treated so low ?
She was or still is friend's with benefits ?
How do you actually know they aren't sleeping together ?

Frankii · 24/12/2021 06:11

Yeah that's not on. It goes past "keeping in touch with an ex". You deserve better than this OP.

Summersnake · 24/12/2021 06:24

My husband would not do that in a million years ..he gets a list of gifts to choose from ,for me .i certainly would not stand for him buying a gift for another woman.
We are together 27 years ..but would not of been if he had pulled this shit .
It’s Christmas Eve
Give him chance to redeem himself ,tell him you feel very sad at no gift ,especially as his ex has one ,and you would like a gift as well .
His reaction will tell you all you need to know

SunshineCake1 · 24/12/2021 06:28

@Cocopogo

Seems very mixed, from dump him to he’s only doing what I asked. I accept it was agreed but still feels a bit uncomfortable that he bought for his ex and not me, and yes I’m not very comfortable with the friendship and he knows this but told me in no uncertain terms that it’s not going to change.
He's literally done what you said to. That's fine. The issue is you're jealous of him still having a relationship with his ex. That is what you need to sort out.
Catfox1 · 24/12/2021 06:32

YABU to be upset he’s not got you anything although a token gift would have been nice
YANBU to be upset he’s bought his ex something

Sorry, not very helpful I know 😅

TequilaStories · 24/12/2021 06:43

I wouldn’t mind he didn’t buy me a present but I would mind he brought a present for his fuck buddy he keeps around even though you said you didn’t want him to. I’d say she’s been getting more than that present, sorry.

speakout · 24/12/2021 06:49

I would dump.
I used to be "cool" about hanging on to exes, both my partner's and my own, but decided now it can cause too much conflict and grief.
OH and were is an amazing silk shop in Singapore many years ago, looking at stunning embroidered kimono robe type garments. The colours were beautiful I was adiring them all. He picked one up, black with red hibiscus flowers embroidered on the back and said " I can't resist I have to buy this for "Julie"- his ex. He could see how much I loved them, but bought one for her and not me, he had is boxed ad shipped to her address. I did stay with him foe another few years ( we lived together) but I still remember the disappointment and pain when he bought that silk robe for his ex.
Needless to say he is now my ex and I don't keep in touch at all.

Faevern · 24/12/2021 06:51

@DropYourSword

Why would you set up to fail like this. If you wanted to get presents then you shouldn’t have agreed not to get presents!!

It’s so unfair to say one thing and mean another. I really don’t understand why people do this.

Yes why have you bought him a present when you agreed not to? You can't be sad that he hasn't bought you one. The joint purchase was your present to each other, and you already said you manipulated him into doing it.

However as you say, the friend is a whole other thread.