to ask if you think a lot of women have really low standards?

[Merryoldgoat]

Just that.

YABU - no they don’t
YANBU - yes they do

I just feel so depressed reading some of these threads.

I’m not talking about women in abusive relationships who are struggling to escape; I mean women who are just putting up with shit for reasons that are beyond comprehension.

A lot of women do, so do a lot of men, it is a human thing rather than a woman thing.

This is a mystery to me too. I know women who put up with all sorts of poor treatment and then think I should think they are not being taken for a ride. Instead of seeing what rubbish they are putting up with they think any criticism of the "D" H or P is wrong.

I don’t know a single man who puts up with a fraction of the shit a raft of women do.

Yep. Constantly stunned by the crap so many women put up with. Just...why??!

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

Yep. Constantly stunned by the crap so many women put up with. Just...why??!

Too many reasons to list, but many will be based around low self esteem, low self worth, loneliness or fear of loneliness.

I have a slightly different take
People post problems on AIBU and the relationships board, so you have a very skewed sample group to begin with

Many relationships are wonderfully healthy
For example, my DH collected my prescription today because I was feeling lazy
We went shopping together this evening: he paid. When we got home I knocked up some mince pies etc etc.

These are the snapshots you don't get on the boards: we don't post about the good times so much
Maybe we should. Maybe we need a good partners/OH thread where we can offset some of the unhappier accounts.

It might help some women to raise their personal bar, maybe?

Yes, myself included. Two waste of space husbands. I've decided not to bother any more I'm much happier on my own.

It’s not that simple. I’ve had threads on here where people have said how wonderful my relationship with DP sounded. I’ve also had instant LTBs. It’s a snapshot of a single moment/day/incident but in real life it’s a complex mix of good and bad and every day is weighing up whether the good is worth the bad.

We all know the old adage about “the only acceptable level of abuse is none” but a) it’s not always easy to pinpoint what is abuse and what is just being a shit partner (even when posting, some people will say it’s just incompatibility whereas others with say it’s clearly abusive) and b) it’s hard to give up a long term relationship which makes you feel loved and cherished and accepted 95% of the time, but has occasional blips of utter shit.

The more low level crap such as unhelpful and unequal partners probably boil down to expectations based on what we’ve seen from our parents etc and the entanglement of having DCs and a home together etc. the optimism that things might change and improve if…or when… keeps us stuck.

It’s not about low standards as a lot of the time we spend years arguing about this stuff, pushing back against it, but hoping against hope that it gets better.

I think a lot of women are unable to deal with the idea of being alone. Self-sufficient. Yes, I do think that many put up with behaviour, situations and relationships that I wouldn’t tolerate, but that’s their choice.
I only get judge when children are involved as a lot of my job involves dealing with the wreckage left behind when an adult relationship is fucked up.

@BurningTheClocks

The number of women who seem unable to be alone is really sad.

My DH is a good one. That’s not luck, I would never have married someone who wasn’t like him. But if things went to shit being alone would be absolutely fine.

YANBU.

However, I think that there's a difference between having a rant/moan over something stupid and a relationship that's crap in general. I also see why some women have the bar set at no bs period. If OH wasn't in my life anymore for whatever reason, there's no way in hell I'd live with another man again.

On MN - I agree with you, however, I'm RL I don't know anyone that puts up with what I read on here (except from my BIL - my Sis is hard work!)

I do agree with @FredWinnie though that people rarely start threads saying all the wonderful things about their partners, people are usually posting for advice on shitty situations so of course there will be more of these types of threads.

My DP is amazing, we work as a team, we take the night feed in turns with our baby, we take turns making dinner, we both walk the dogs together, both do housework etc - all the things people on here talk about but I'd never start a thread about it so you just don't see it the same (maybe that's what we should start doing!😁)

Yes. I think it's slightly better on here, but on a lot of facebook groups I'm on it seems to be a race to the bottom and women are routinely told to be grateful for even the most shit men.

The number of women who seem unable to be alone is really sad

My DH is a good one. That’s not luck, I would never have married someone who wasn’t like him. But if things went to shit being alone would be absolutely fine

I also think this is linked, DH is a bonus, I don’t need him or rely on him, we work as a team and yet both can manage perfectly well of the other isn’t around, childcare house work, etc, there no clingyness, we don’t do everything together, separate social lives, separate friends which makes it work .

Ironically, I think women cope far better being on their own than men do. So I don't understand why so many of them worry about it.

I think too many men are useless.

@FredWinnie

I have a slightly different take People post problems on AIBU and the relationships board, so you have a very skewed sample group to begin with

Many relationships are wonderfully healthy
For example, my DH collected my prescription today because I was feeling lazy
We went shopping together this evening: he paid. When we got home I knocked up some mince pies etc etc.

These are the snapshots you don't get on the boards: we don't post about the good times so much
Maybe we should. Maybe we need a good partners/OH thread where we can offset some of the unhappier accounts.

It might help some women to raise their personal bar, maybe?

This is so true.

I was feeling off today so rather than make me suffer with childcare my partner took our toddler on all his errands including the xmas shop which definitely made it harder and longer but he just did it as he knew I wasn't feeling great. ❤️

@Emerald5hamrock

I think too many men are useless.

But why put up with it? I wouldn’t spend 5 mins with a ‘useless’ man 🤷🏾‍♀️

I think you get a skewed perspective on MN because as someone said, people don't post about their great, equal relationships. However, I agree that in society as a whole, it's indisputable that, on average, women still do the bulk of unpaid work/ have less leisure time/ carry the mental load. It is changing but it's evolutionary rather than revolutionary. Interestingly, in developed Asia, where I live, it's manifesting itself as lower marriage/ childbearing rates rather than male behaviour change (i.e. women are voting with their feet). Will be interesting to see how that pans out because so many of the policies to address the falling birth rates are focusing on enabling women to do everything (flexible working for mothers) but not by encouraging men to do anything differently.

But why put up with it? I wouldn’t spend 5 mins with a ‘useless’ man
Neither would I now I have a very caring man but in my early dating years I kissed, put up with a few frogs.

The number of women who seem unable to be alone is really sad.

I wasn't 'unable to be alone' until my health deteriorated to the point where I literally, well, cannot manage alone. I had to face that reality and fucking hell was it scary.

I'm just incredibly lucky that my marriage is loving and mutually supportive. I'd be really fucked otherwise.

Sometimes women CANNOT manage alone. Becoming chronically ill or disabled can happen to anyone, at any time.

I'm also not sure this is a one way thing. Sure, if you read here mostly you hear about bad men. But in real life, I know as many women who I think, man, you must be a nightmare to live with. Or male friends who have had partners who were in some way awful.

Of the top of my head cheaters, alcoholics, horrible nags, a woman never satisfied with anything, a freeloader, and a crazy woman who collected children then buggered off when it became too much.

I could make a list of bad men too of course.

As for why some people seem to put up with these people, I am not sure. Hope springs eternal, maybe.

Though thinking about it - I blame romance for a lot. LTRs really need a pragmatic basis.

YANBU people put up with so much just to stay in a relationship

moreover Low Self Esteem