AIBU for wanting to double-barrel babies surname?

[ekkn]

First baby, we aren't married but are engaged but realise that we won't be getting married for a long long time.

Things are also quite tense at the moment in the relationship, lots of arguments etc.

AIBU for suggesting we double barrel the babies name? I really don't want to have a completely different name to my child. But know that if we ever do get married it will not be for years and years to come, if we make it that far!

@ekkn

Also meant to add. He says if i do double barrel the name, he will never forgive me.

Honestly this would be such a huge red flag to me. Why would he feel this way? What possible justification could he have for not wanting his child to share a name with their mother?

We weren't married when we had our kids. We gave them double-barrelled (his-mine). Then when we got married, we both changed our names to double-barrelled. DH says we changed our names to the kids name. I never wanted his name only though, I don't like the sound of it 😂

My name and his name, no hyphen. With the intention of dropping mine once eventually married.

Despite everyone's advise I can't just give her my surname. The relationship would be sure to end

@ekkn

Wow. What an awful relationship you are in. Why does his view and opinion matter so much more than yours - you are the one carrying and growing this baby. Its a pity you are having a baby with such an insecure man child. I have no idea why you say he would be a good father when his child isn’t even here yet and he is threatening to leave the child if he doesn’t get his own way. I have no words for his pathetic he is.

If your relationship would end and he would leave his child over something like this it sounds like it’s doomed anyway so just give the baby your surname and his surname as a middle name.

@ekkn

Also meant to add. He says if i do double barrel the name, he will never forgive me.

Well isn't he a charmer...

If your relationship is that tenuous - I would NOT be using his name at ALL.

Pal did this... Ex turned violent and generally abusive... He refused to give permission to have the kids name changed to hers. Now the child is 10, she has elected to just be 'as known as' and name until she can change it herself. She has no wish to have any link with her abusive father.

My parents did this - although they were married when I was born. My mother's maiden name and my father's surname. No hyphen. My mother's maiden name is considered one of my middle names. When my oldest was born, she had my mother's maiden name and my father's surname (ie, my names) double-barrelled. When my youngest was born, he had the exact same surname as his sister (although I was with his father, he couldn't be remotely bothered to turn up to register our son, showed no interest in getting his name added to the birth certificate later on, as we weren't married - thank every deity going! - and hasn't improved even slightly in the following 17 years!). My advice, @ekkn is don't drop your name from your child(ren)'s name even if you are daft enough to marry a man who said he would never forgive you if you didn't bow down to his patriarchal demands.

You claimed not to argue about the important things, every argument is/was about trivial matters... Your child(ren)'s surname/name is, I would suggest, the most important thing not to have been rowing about to the point where you were told that he would never forgive you if you didn't give the child his name, and his name alone. I'm glad you came to a compromise, but even so... I'd say this relationship's pretty much doomed from that bit of "you will do as you are told, regardless of whether or not it upsets you" malarkey!

Give the baby your surname as per tradition and convention.If you do get married you can rethink if you wish , as can your partner.Do not consider giving your child your partner's surname to massage his ego in some way.He is a bully.

@ekkn

Also meant to add. He says if i do double barrel the name, he will never forgive me.

tell him fine, the baby will just have yours then

@ekkn

Another thought... which I know I'm going to get absolutely slaughtered by you all for suggesting it. But I will anyway to see your responses....

Changing my name to his by deed poll? I wouldnt be doing it for him. It would be for me so that I will have the same name as my child.

We wouldn't be married, because clearly we are not in an appropriate place to get married right now, but I would have his name and therefore my child's name. In the future if we separated, I would still have my child's name.

Despite everyone's advise I can't just give her my surname. The relationship would be sure to end and although I am financially okay, I have no family nearby other than his. Then there's selling the house whilst on maternity leave, renting whilst on maternity leave etc and thats a massive upheaval I dont need in the early months of my child's life. Not that I need shit from him over a surname, but here we are...

I dont want to separate from him, I'd like this to work if it can... naive and hormonal as I may be right now.

The relationship would end if you gave her just your name? But that's exactly what he's expecting you to do. The sexism is astounding

@ekkn

My name and his name, no hyphen. With the intention of dropping mine once eventually married.

I like the idea of using both surnames

In Scotland, it's common (or used to be) for a child to have their mother's maiden name as a middle name eg if Ms Adams and Mr Brown have a child, then the child might be called John Adams Brown

In your case, I don't see the need to amend this in future, if / when you get married. Couldn't your child keep both existing names?

Anyway, brace yourself for loads of posts from people who haven't read the thread

My biggest regret is not giving my son my last name or double barrelling it at the very least!!

No, fuck that shit. Give the baby your name. If your partner is so desperate to have the same name he can change his to your can't he? Why are you bending over backwards to accommodate this Victorian thinking? He doesn't own you and he doesn't own your baby.

My son has my name. He's 14 now and my partner and I are still together. I didn't give my son my name because I thought we were going to split up, what a perverse suggestion. He has my name because I am his mother and it makes sense when wading through the upcoming bureaucratic stampede of health visitors, doctors, schools etc. if you don't have to correct them to use the right name every time.