AIBU for wanting to double-barrel babies surname?

[ekkn]

First baby, we aren't married but are engaged but realise that we won't be getting married for a long long time.

Things are also quite tense at the moment in the relationship, lots of arguments etc.

AIBU for suggesting we double barrel the babies name? I really don't want to have a completely different name to my child. But know that if we ever do get married it will not be for years and years to come, if we make it that far!

I'd give baby your surname and if you do get married then change baby's name then!

Be aware that should you split and the child has his surname then travelling can be an issue. Adult and child with different surnames on passports can be a total headache

I was adamant my daughter was having her dad's surname. He didn't care at the time really, but It was the stupidest decision I ever made. Cheated on me before she was even born, walked out at 15 months old, stopped visiting on her second birthday and stopped paying toward her upbringing at the same time. He refused to let me change her surname despite this, so now my 2.5 year old daughter will be stuck with that surname indefinitely of a man who treated her like absolute shit. And I now have the guilt of thinking I knew better.

I would at the very least double barrel, but truthfully, I'd consider just your surname for now if the relationship is souring, if you do then get married the surname can always be changed anyway.

Completely agree. My daughter is stuck with the surname of an absolutely abusive dick who abandoned her at the age of two because I felt the need to go with tradition.

Give the baby your name.
It's horrible having a different name to my dc's. The dcs don't like it either. But out patriarchal law says I can't change it. (Zero contact with their dad for 13yrs).

@Dontbeme

Give the baby your last name. If you marry you can change it to all have the same name. Traditionally the baby always took mother's surname, so keep to tradition, just in case he tries that tactic.

Do this

Give the baby YOUR surname.

Seen too many women, family included, where couples have split and child ends up with a lazy dad who doesn't deserve to share a surname.

I've probably been a nagging bitch over getting the house ready etc which contributes to most arguments

Also, get rid of your internalised misogyny before you have the baby.

Just give baby your name, it gives you control in the future.

Oh love, please listen to a cautionary tale or two.

He may be a fab dad, so deserves to go on the BC.

But he sounds like a bit of a nightmare partner. Do you honestly, in your guts, feel like he will always put the dc first, and never, ever be a dick about parenting decisions? Always, even if/when the shit hits the fan?

My ex is on my dcs BC (for what it's worth, I believe a child has the right for it to be legally recorded who is their father) but he has been an absolute cunt about using his parental responsibility - insisting on being involved (and trying to frustrate) many many everyday decisions, despite only seeing them a couple of times a year. Refused consent for school vaccinations (pre covid, fortunately theyre old enough to decide re covid), school decisions, medical issues and famously refusing permission to let me take them on holiday to Spain.

This has cost me literally thousands of pounds in solicitors and court fees. Please make yourself aware of the frustrations that co-parenting can bring with anything less than 100% supportive partner.

Baby will be known as 'baby motherssurname' in hospital.

He still can't understand my view but did later on apologise for saying he will never forgive me and rephrased to he will never agree to it.

He doesn't need to agree to it. He can't register the birth alone as you are not married. You can register the birth alone, or with him. He cans stamp his feet all he wants, but I'd be telling him that if he continued making a fuss about it then it won't be double barrelled, it will be your name only.

I gave the children my DPs surname, I was under the assumption that we would get married at some point. Although it used to bother me having different surnames it doesn't anymore but we are never getting married and likely split soon. My advice is give the baby your surname - hold the line.

@JSL52

I'd give the baby your name and leave him off the birth certificate if he's being a dick.

I've said YABU

because you should 100% give the baby YOUR surname

@DorothyZbornakIsAQueen

I've probably been a nagging bitch over getting the house ready etc which contributes to most arguments

Also, get rid of your internalised misogyny before you have the baby.

Yes, I was shocked by that too, oh so casually referring to oneself as a "nagging bitch"

Does he ever call you that, OP? Or do you just use it to refer to yourself?!

I'm divorced. The kids share his name. Wish I'd double barreled.

We've been separated for 9 years now. Never been married.
Now the children are older they say they wish they had my surname.
They say it doesn't feel right them having his name (he's useless and has no time for them) and me having a different name.

Giving them his surname was one of the biggest cock ups I ever made!

You want to give the baby a DB because you’ve been arguing. That’s more than reasonable.

But how about… wanting the baby to have your name simply because… you’re its mother? Your DP contributed a single cell to baby’s development… you contributed everything else.

I’ve never understood why so many women go in for this unnecessary patriarchal BS.

Double barrelled is awful in most cases IMHO. Give the baby your name. I wouldn't be controlled like this by a man. It will only get worse.

Another thought... which I know I'm going to get absolutely slaughtered by you all for suggesting it. But I will anyway to see your responses....

Changing my name to his by deed poll? I wouldnt be doing it for him. It would be for me so that I will have the same name as my child.

We wouldn't be married, because clearly we are not in an appropriate place to get married right now, but I would have his name and therefore my child's name. In the future if we separated, I would still have my child's name.

Despite everyone's advise I can't just give her my surname. The relationship would be sure to end and although I am financially okay, I have no family nearby other than his. Then there's selling the house whilst on maternity leave, renting whilst on maternity leave etc and thats a massive upheaval I dont need in the early months of my child's life. Not that I need shit from him over a surname, but here we are...

I dont want to separate from him, I'd like this to work if it can... naive and hormonal as I may be right now.

It sounds like you know what the responses will be to that suggestion, so I won’t beat you over the head and tell you you’re wrong.

But I’m sorry you’re in this position, OP. This is becoming quite a sad thread.

You sound like you’ll be a lovely mum and I wish you all the best with baby.

I don't think you should marry him because he sounds like a prick but if you're engaged, why is it that you say you know you won't get married for ages? If he's so set on the child having his name, why isn't it an option to have a registry office wedding and take his name then you'd all have the same name? I can't understand why you changing your name by deed poll is the option you're thinking of.

Politely OP, this relationship isn't viable long term as it's not a healthy or stable one.

He already isn't a good dad because he's being disrespectful to his child's mother, threatening her (I'll never forgive you) and putting his ego before both fairness and practicality.

It's so depressing to see the amount of men who push for their name because 'it's tradition' despite having kids before being married. I have no issue with kids before being married, obviously - just making the point that they pick and choose when they want to be 'traditional' to suit their preferences.

Would he want you taking his name without being married?
Now he has you taking his name, a child, a child taking his name, why would he marry you?

And if he does, then leaves, are you ok with no longer being as sound financially as you are now?

When the relationship ends, will you be happier if you and your child have your surname of if you and your child have his?

When the relationship ends, will you still want his surname, or will you change it back and have a different surname to your child after all of it?

Both names or your name. His choice which.

@ekkn

Another thought... which I know I'm going to get absolutely slaughtered by you all for suggesting it. But I will anyway to see your responses....

Changing my name to his by deed poll? I wouldnt be doing it for him. It would be for me so that I will have the same name as my child.

We wouldn't be married, because clearly we are not in an appropriate place to get married right now, but I would have his name and therefore my child's name. In the future if we separated, I would still have my child's name.

Despite everyone's advise I can't just give her my surname. The relationship would be sure to end and although I am financially okay, I have no family nearby other than his. Then there's selling the house whilst on maternity leave, renting whilst on maternity leave etc and thats a massive upheaval I dont need in the early months of my child's life. Not that I need shit from him over a surname, but here we are...

I dont want to separate from him, I'd like this to work if it can... naive and hormonal as I may be right now.

Absolutely terrible idea. If you really think that your relationship will end if you give baby your surname, it's not a relationship worth saving. It's going to end at some point anyway so you might as well give baby your surname.

You can change your name to his at a later point, namely when your partner isnt threatening you.
You can change the baby’s name to his at a later point should you get over him threatening you actually marry him and take his name and both want the baby to have the same.
You can both add him to the birth certificate at a later point, should he turn into an equal parent.
He can add himself to the birth certificate at a later point by going to court.

YOU cannot change anything once it has been done. Those actions available to you are final. Give yourself the most options.