Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wanting to double-barrel babies surname?

212 replies

ekkn · 23/12/2021 21:02

First baby, we aren't married but are engaged but realise that we won't be getting married for a long long time.

Things are also quite tense at the moment in the relationship, lots of arguments etc.

AIBU for suggesting we double barrel the babies name? I really don't want to have a completely different name to my child. But know that if we ever do get married it will not be for years and years to come, if we make it that far!

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 23/12/2021 23:13

@PigeonLittle

I wouldnt give a baby a man's surname if we were rowing lots and unmarried.
You can change it IF you get married.
Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2021 23:21

But this baby is also his. He is still entitled to a view (I agree it sounds controlling put like is has)

People love this argument. But the reality is men can and DO just walk away from their responsibilities. They falsify their earnings to avoid paying maintenance and do absolutely nothing to raise their child.

Being the product of exactly that situation and growing up in poverty the best advice I can give is a) contraception, b) contraception, c) contraception, d) no children prior to marriage and e) financial independence

But that’s an unpopular viewpoint because old fashioned or whatever.

wishingitwasspring · 23/12/2021 23:27

@Merryoldgoat

But this baby is also his. He is still entitled to a view (I agree it sounds controlling put like is has)

People love this argument. But the reality is men can and DO just walk away from their responsibilities. They falsify their earnings to avoid paying maintenance and do absolutely nothing to raise their child.

Being the product of exactly that situation and growing up in poverty the best advice I can give is a) contraception, b) contraception, c) contraception, d) no children prior to marriage and e) financial independence

But that’s an unpopular viewpoint because old fashioned or whatever.

Yes some do. But some are good men who are shit on from a great height by women.

Fathers should of course be responsible for their children, no matter what the circumstances. But with that responsibility goes some say, unless they lose them through shitty behaviour.

ImStayingInside · 23/12/2021 23:35

My DD’s dad kicked off terribly when it came to naming her because he wanted her to have his name. He was already a horrible bully before this. In the end I double barrelled her name and we split when she was 5. He has very little contact with her now, supposed to be EOW, but it is whenever he remembers and he isn’t even having her over for Christmas he said he will see her in January instead.
DD is now almost 11 and has her preferred name in school as just my maiden name (I have since remarried) when she is 16 she intends on changing it by deed poll to just be my maiden name. I will support her in this if it is what she still wants to do.
Please don’t give in and just use his name, I fully regret not standing strong and giving DD only my own name, but I feel because she has a DB name, it has been easy in school for her to drop his surname and just use my name instead.

Ericaequites · 23/12/2021 23:35

Why would baby have his surname if you aren’t married?

Cyw2018 · 23/12/2021 23:38

YANBU

I double barreled my surname on marriage in preparation for starting a family. I wish I hadn't, and now would have rather kept my name as it was and double barreled DDs surname.

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2021 23:39

@wishingitwasspring

Does this bloke sound like a ‘good man’?

wishingitwasspring · 23/12/2021 23:42

[quote Merryoldgoat]@wishingitwasspring

Does this bloke sound like a ‘good man’?[/quote]
Who knows. There's nothing in the original post to suggest either way. Just that things are tense

Morgoth · 23/12/2021 23:45

Absolutely give the baby your surname

Dammitthisisshit · 23/12/2021 23:48

My children have my name for this reason. D(now)H wasn’t keen but my compromise was double barrelling which he didn’t like so we went with mine as I wouldn’t accept only his.

Then we got married and decided to keep my maiden name, we were going to double barrel at that point but he never did the paperwork- I wasn’t bothered about changing it so it never got done!

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2021 23:48

@wishingitwasspring

Telling OP he’ll never forgive her for double barrelling the surname? That sounds reasonable does it?

‘Tense’ always means some bloke is acting like a cunt and some woman us trying to placate him 🙄

Double3xposure · 23/12/2021 23:51

@Dontbeme

Give the baby your last name. If you marry you can change it to all have the same name. Traditionally the baby always took mother's surname, so keep to tradition, just in case he tries that tactic.
This.
wishingitwasspring · 23/12/2021 23:51

[quote Merryoldgoat]@wishingitwasspring

Telling OP he’ll never forgive her for double barrelling the surname? That sounds reasonable does it?

‘Tense’ always means some bloke is acting like a cunt and some woman us trying to placate him 🙄[/quote]
Not in my experience it doesn't.

FortniteBoysMum · 23/12/2021 23:51

Tell your partner the baby is either having yours or you double it. Having his is not up for discussion. Point out that should you get married you change the name on the birth certificate to his then. He either meets you half way on doubling or he accepts baby is having your name. Why should the child have his when your doing all the work. My partner was not happy our sons is doubled but it was the only option I gave. He moaned for a long time but it was the correct call 13 years together our sons almost 12 and still no ring. Whenever the conversation of his name has been bought up by partners friends and how he should have dad's name I point out well dad should ask me to marry him then. Alternatively he can put up with it as why should I not share my child's name. My eldest from past relationship only has mine which made ds2 having mine in there more important to link the siblings.

Merryoldgoat · 24/12/2021 00:14

@wishingitwasspring

We obviously have opposite experiences. I don’t know a single bloke militant about surnames who wasn’t a douche.

Dozer · 24/12/2021 07:22

wishingitwasspring you’re making a false equivalence: fathers ‘shat on’ by women (?) vs fathers who who abandon their DC and pay little or no maintenance. The former group is dwarfed by the latter!

OP’s partner isn’t asking for a ‘say’: he wants the DC to have his name only.

JeffThePilot · 24/12/2021 07:40

@Dozer

wishingitwasspring you’re making a false equivalence: fathers ‘shat on’ by women (?) vs fathers who who abandon their DC and pay little or no maintenance. The former group is dwarfed by the latter!

OP’s partner isn’t asking for a ‘say’: he wants the DC to have his name only.

Exactly.

He has a say - he wants his surname.
OP has a say - she could equally say she wants her surname.

Gee, if only there was an obvious compromise.

SamMil · 24/12/2021 07:53

If he doesn't want to double barrel, just give the baby your name. He is the one rejecting a compromise.

Original poster
ekkn · 24/12/2021 09:56

Thank you for all your posts everyone!

I feel better knowing that I'm not being unreasonable and that the majority agree its a fair compromise/to just use my surname.

He still can't understand my view but did later on apologise for saying he will never forgive me and rephrased to he will never agree to it.

To clear up a few issues though:

  • Firstly finances dont come into it. I'm not financially dependent on him and never have been, I have worked my arse off before having a child so that I had a good job and would never have to rely on a man. This I have achieved and I earn double him. So I'm not holding on to something for the fear of not being able to support myself and my child. I made sure I was able to do that myself before even getting pregnant as this is something that's important to me.
  • Secondly I don't actually have low standards as someone suggested. I'm just currently very hormonal and not ready to throw the towel in when I'm pregnant. I've probably been a nagging bitch over getting the house ready etc which contributes to most arguments.
  • Thirdly the arguments are always over stupid trivial things. Yes its very irritating and I'm sick to death of arguing over little things, but I'm also grateful they're not arguments over important issues.
  • Fourthly we haven't known each other 5 minutes. I was on contraception for the years before we planned to have a child and only had it removed to try for a baby.
  • Finally I am not under some grand illusion that we will get married and live happily ever after.

Thanks to everyone who posted!

OP posts:
Whammyyammy · 24/12/2021 10:00

@JSL52

I'd give the baby your name and leave him off the birth certificate if he's being a dick.
Nothing like using an innocent child as a pawn in a game is there.....
ikeepseeingit · 24/12/2021 10:09

Yep I think double barrel is perfectly reasonable. I’m happy to see he’s apologised for saying he wouldn’t forgive you. That wasn’t a nice thing to say at all. I do find it very odd that men think they have all the rights over a child’s name when we’re the ones carrying them, giving birth and doing the majority of care after until they get to about 2/3. There seems to be a disproportionate expectation for men to get the rights over a child that we have put our bodies and life into. He’s put nothing into this baby yet, and he fully believes he has more right than you over it. It boggles the mind.

I can understand him wanting his own name with his own child, this does not trump your right to have the same.

AlexaShutUp · 24/12/2021 10:11

@JSL52

I'd give the baby your name and leave him off the birth certificate if he's being a dick.
This.
CluelessAt50 · 24/12/2021 10:12

I was married but the kids still got double barrelled. So glad that I did. We're now divorced & he'd have loved nothing more than to have control over our movements which he would have had if the kids had just his name (permission to travel letters for passport control). No mother should risk inviting that level of control into her life. If you offer yourself & your children up as male possessions, the system will gladly assist the male to keep that control, even after you split up.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 24/12/2021 10:20

He still can't understand my view but did later on apologise for saying he will never forgive me and rephrased to he will never agree to it.
Well, thank fuck he does not have to agree to it. The arrogant fucker. It is entirely your decision. Baby would absolutely be having my surname only as he has shown clearly who he is with this.

I'm not financially dependent on him and never have been… and I earn double him
Well done for being so sensible! And do not marry him. There is nothing in marrying this man for you, and way too much to lose. And if you decided later down the line to marry him, keep your surname so you match your child and he can take the family name if he chooses.

Thirdly the arguments are always over stupid trivial things. Yes its very irritating and I'm sick to death of arguing over little things, but I'm also grateful they're not arguments over important issues.
For me this says he will not compromise, even on small trivial things.

Fourthly we haven't known each other 5 minutes
Pregnancy is a trigger for changing behaviour in relationships that are not good. What he was like before might be great. Go off how he behaves now.

Good luck, op.

VikingOnTheFridge · 24/12/2021 10:22

He doesn't have to agree to it. When unmarried, legally the choice is 100% the mother's. His only recourse would be a legal challenge, and no court is going to agree that the baby should have his name rather than a double barrel. If he doesn't like this state of affairs, he should've considered that before conceiving.