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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wanting to double-barrel babies surname?

212 replies

ekkn · 23/12/2021 21:02

First baby, we aren't married but are engaged but realise that we won't be getting married for a long long time.

Things are also quite tense at the moment in the relationship, lots of arguments etc.

AIBU for suggesting we double barrel the babies name? I really don't want to have a completely different name to my child. But know that if we ever do get married it will not be for years and years to come, if we make it that far!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/12/2021 21:28

Your name and don’t marry him

TheCatShatInTheHat · 23/12/2021 21:28

Give the baby your name, and if you ever marry, change it to his.

MadeOfStarStuff · 23/12/2021 21:29

If he’ll really never forgive you for double barrelling then he’s a complete dick. Give baby just your surname and he can either get over it and be a supportive partner or you can get rid.

Dozer · 23/12/2021 21:30

Your name only.

Original poster
ekkn · 23/12/2021 21:32

He will 100% be going on the birth certificate, I know he will be a good father.

I understand why he is upset as we always spoke about his surname only when talking about names. However now that the due date is looming I've realised how sad I will be having a completely different name to my child.

I said if/when we get married I'd be happy to change it so we all have the same name then. But until that date comes (if it does) I want her to also have my name.

He just says I'm planning for things to end. My argument was if that was the case I would propose my surname only, not double barrel...

OP posts:
Shrewoodle · 23/12/2021 21:32

YANBU, give the baby whatever name you choose. In your situation I'd give the baby either your name or double barrel.

SundayTeatime · 23/12/2021 21:32

The baby gets your surname, as is standard. When - if - you get married, the father can change his name to yours.

Hohofortherobbers · 23/12/2021 21:33

Your baby gets your name and you can both change it upon marriage if you like. If he's never going to to forgive you over a name then there is no future in this relationship.

Original poster
ekkn · 23/12/2021 21:33

Thank you! Sorted it now 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
ekkn · 23/12/2021 21:36

@Hohofortherobbers

Your baby gets your name and you can both change it upon marriage if you like. If he's never going to to forgive you over a name then there is no future in this relationship.
I said this to him, said if that's really how he feels how can he also think that this relationship will last...
OP posts:
Tiredalwaystired · 23/12/2021 21:36

For those saying don’t put the kids dads name on it’s own birth certificate - who are you trying to punish here? The baby deserves to know who it’s father is, whether it shares a surname or not.

Whether they have a relationship later is up to them but don’t subject them to that.

Original poster
ekkn · 23/12/2021 21:36

@PigeonLittle

Name change fail there I think, if you report it to MNHQ they can retroactively fix it for you.
Thank you, sorted it now 😊
OP posts:
Awrite · 23/12/2021 21:38

He won't forgive you? How about you don't forgive him.

Why is he more important than you? Why?

Your name or double barrelled. You will regret giving the baby his name only. Even if you were married is my guess.

Heshcher · 23/12/2021 21:41

I think it would be a mistake to give the baby his name or both names, just use your name. Traditionally babies of unmarried parents have only the mother's name. It sounds like you might end up a single parent so you'll always have a different name to your dc. If you work things out and end up married in future, and you want to change your name and dc's name, you can do it then.

stingofthebutterfly · 23/12/2021 21:42

Honestly, after the baby is born and you aren't going through the stress of naming your child, you won't give two hoots that they have a different surname.

I think children should have their dad's name, if he's around and will be hands on, and it's ridiculous to double barrel it. How do the next generation solve the problem when double barrelled meets double barrelled? It gets stupid.

Or change yours by deed poll to match his.

Lacedwithgrace · 23/12/2021 21:43

Double barreled until you get married is perfectly sensible. Why's he so touchy about his surname?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/12/2021 21:45

I think children should have their dad's name, if he's around and will be hands on, and it's ridiculous to double barrel it.

Why? Why should they automatically have the dad's name rather than the mum's name?

And if you're going to say 'because it's tradition' then you're incorrect as it's always been tradition for a baby to have it's mums last name, it's just that in the past most babies were born once the mum and dad were married.

In 2021 (nearly 2022) why should a baby be automatically be given its dads last name and not either its mums or both names double barrelled?

NandorTheRelentless · 23/12/2021 21:46

@ekkn

Also meant to add. He says if i do double barrel the name, he will never forgive me.
Just your name then?
Benjispruce5 · 23/12/2021 21:46

I’ve been married 25 years and wish we had double barrelled our children’s names but I was always put off by what happens when they marry.

bucketsoflove · 23/12/2021 21:49

Not married, not going to be in the foreseeable?
Baby should have your surname.

meditrina · 23/12/2021 21:50

Babies should have their mother's surname. This is a longstanding tradition. The father's name matches only if he has married the mother.

Name on birth certificate confers PR.

Child maintenance is unrelated to whether the father is on the birth certificate.

He's being very unpleasant, and thus comes on top of a relationship with difficulties.

OP: think carefully and do look at the weight of the advice on this thread

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 23/12/2021 21:50

Give baby your name. You keep your name. He fucks off. He probably will at some point anyway. He sounds awful.

DoodleBelle · 23/12/2021 21:53

Give baby just your surname. You will regret it if you don’t and you can always change once you are married.

willstarttomorrow · 23/12/2021 21:55

OP- I mean this very kindly- but if you are arguing about this now please do not give him PR by him being on the birth certificate if you cannot sort this out. I work in child protection and unfortunately I have spent all week trying to negotiate xmas time with absent parents (mostly dad's) who have suddenly decided they have 'right's because it is xmas. I have known of absent father's with PR who have the children taken to them by the police when mum, who is the main carer has had a breakdown and it has been really hard to get them back. I know that is sensationalist to many but it happens, usually due to unresolved conflict in the relationship rather than it being in the child's interest.

The fact that this is such a huge issue presents lots of red flags. I am also concerned that you think marriage is on the cards down the line, nothing you say suggests your partner feels the same way. If you both wanted to get married then why delay?

VikingOnTheFridge · 23/12/2021 21:59

@stingofthebutterfly

Honestly, after the baby is born and you aren't going through the stress of naming your child, you won't give two hoots that they have a different surname.

I think children should have their dad's name, if he's around and will be hands on, and it's ridiculous to double barrel it. How do the next generation solve the problem when double barrelled meets double barrelled? It gets stupid.

Or change yours by deed poll to match his.

Everything about this post is ridiculous.
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