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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wanting to double-barrel babies surname?

212 replies

ekkn · 23/12/2021 21:02

First baby, we aren't married but are engaged but realise that we won't be getting married for a long long time.

Things are also quite tense at the moment in the relationship, lots of arguments etc.

AIBU for suggesting we double barrel the babies name? I really don't want to have a completely different name to my child. But know that if we ever do get married it will not be for years and years to come, if we make it that far!

OP posts:
Yearonebesties · 24/12/2021 18:02

Can’t believe your last post @ekkn what are you thinking??

Morgoth · 24/12/2021 18:57

So he wants the tradition of his child having his surname but doesn’t want or care about the tradition of marriage, lifelong commitment to you, the mother of his child who he is in a relationship with? Even to the point where you say he would rather end the relationship with you if the child wasn’t given his surname rather than marry you so the child and you could have his surname which would be problem solved. You even say you do the both all of the childcare and financial provision for the child.

This clown will never be interested in marriage. He’s taking you for a mug. Absolutely do not give the baby his surname. If he wants the baby to have his surname, he can make a gesture of lifelong commitment to you and your child and financial stability for you both but he won’t. He wants the ego and pride and legacy of a child with his surname but wants one foot out of the door re. commitment. The amount of women that I have known who have been in this exact situation is unreal. They have always regretted capitulating to the fathers demands and giving their child his name instead of theirs. Always.

MimiSunshine · 24/12/2021 19:12

OP are you aware that baby WILL have YOUR name at birth? As soon as it’s born and it’s hospital records and identity bands are created they will be baby girl / boy YOUR NAME.
If you know the first babe you want to use the hospital will create the record in Chosen name YOUR NAME.

It is therefore your choice, and only YOUR choice as the unmarried mother, to add his name too or completely change babys last name to his.
Once you’ve decided you’ll need to ensure the medical records are updated.

If I was in your position I would go with ‘Your name His name’ so you are simply adding his on and without a hyphen, therefore it is two separate names (the hyphen makes it one name) and you or the baby when it’s older can easily drop one of them and be known as baby whichever later on. Baby Hisname if you do marry.

Please don’t change your name to match his though, he’s being a prick. The o my thing he gets to agree to is whether he wants his name adding on after birth because babys name is going to be yours, that’s just the way it is.

JulesJules · 24/12/2021 19:19

He'll never forgive you? Wow. What an absolute knob.

I'm married, did not change my name, my children have my surname. They have DH's surname as a second middle name. No double barrelling.

KatharinaRosalie · 24/12/2021 19:27

I don't get this. You're saying that he would never agree to double-barrel and the relationship would end if you gave baby your name. But you're unmarried. Your name is the default option. He legally has no say, all up to you. You have the way way upper hand here.

So why are you twisting yourself into knots, trying to find a compromise he will agree to, instead of him begging you to go for any other option than your name only?

Merryoldgoat · 24/12/2021 20:51

@Aspergirl77

Yes - I meant they can still be liable for child support whether or not on the birth certificate.

Aspergirl77 · 24/12/2021 21:31

[quote Merryoldgoat]@Aspergirl77

Yes - I meant they can still be liable for child support whether or not on the birth certificate.[/quote]
Yes the father can still be pursued for child support/maintenance regardless of whether he is on the birth certificate or not.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 25/12/2021 05:17

I don't even understand why this is q discussion. If you're not married the baby should have your surname. My son has my surname and I really love his name. When dp and I finally get our ass into gear and get married, dp can change his if he wants, me and ds won't be.

Saoirse82 · 25/12/2021 05:21

I'm married and my child has my name and my husbands as I kept my maiden name when we married. I think nowadays a lot of couples aren't marrying so there will be lots of double barrelled surnames, 3 of my close friends children are double barrelled too. But if I wasn't married or it was rocky the child would be having my last name.

KatharinaRosalie · 25/12/2021 10:18

If you really think he would end the relationship over a name, this relationship is doomed anyway - well I guess unless you act as a total doormat and let him have his way with every decision, no matter what you want.

GreetingsAndSalutations · 25/12/2021 10:23

@ekkn

Also meant to add. He says if i do double barrel the name, he will never forgive me.
I’d leave his surname out of it entire then. And I’d definitely not marry him. Controlling behaviour doesn’t just go away.
BigYellowHat · 25/12/2021 11:58

Give baby your name.

Applesonthelawn · 25/12/2021 12:26

Give him your name only and tell him you'll change it when you get married. it's incredibly simple to change a child's name. I changed. my child's when he was four and realised it was ridiculous that he carried his father's name, who was not by then my partner and showed little interest, and anyway feel double barrelled just indicates (these days) that the parents aren't married. Seriously, use your name, then change both yours and his at the same time when you get married.

Musereader · 25/12/2021 13:10

My child is double barreled, my ex said the same thing, trying to insist that it is his surname.

He did not turn up for the registration, (says he was passed out at 3pm drunk? Asleep? Idk but he knew the date, I told him day before and called and texted him when on the way) so he could not go on the birth certificate but I put down the surname anyway and she has not seen him in 4 years.

She uses my name which is first in the double barrel, it was entirely pointless even putting his choices down.

PixieAndTheToad · 25/12/2021 13:28

Honestly I'd think it was a little bonkers if you did give the baby his last name only? Babies get their mothers surname and if it isn't the same as his then it would be perfectly acceptable for you to give the baby your name only.
Double-barrelling would already be throwing him a bone. So I got to agree with the very first poster. If he's being a dick about it give the baby your name and leave him off the birth certificate.
Or tell him that the baby can be double-barrelled or have one name: yours.
Don't let yourself be pushed around on this, you're doing enough hard work carrying and giving birth to the baby, anyone saying it shouldn't have your name is not worth listening to.

scottishnames · 25/12/2021 16:29

Meglet Sorry to hear your history, but - if it's any consolation - as a previous poster has said, once your children are grown up (16 in England) they can change their surname themselves, to anything reasonable that they like, including your name if that's what they choose. No-one can stop them. It's not difficult:

www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll

WeatherwaxOn · 26/12/2021 12:16

@ekkn

He will 100% be going on the birth certificate, I know he will be a good father.

I understand why he is upset as we always spoke about his surname only when talking about names. However now that the due date is looming I've realised how sad I will be having a completely different name to my child.

I said if/when we get married I'd be happy to change it so we all have the same name then. But until that date comes (if it does) I want her to also have my name.

He just says I'm planning for things to end. My argument was if that was the case I would propose my surname only, not double barrel...

If he's getting this upset over a name he's going to be useless when the baby arrives. Ditch him, reclaim your life.

FWIW I have been married a long time (20+ years) . When we got married I didn't take DH's name - there was no expectation from him that I would as he's not stuck in the past. When we had DC there was no expectation that they would solely have his surname (they don't).

bananamuffin89 · 04/04/2022 09:49

I realise this thread was posted a while ago. What did you end up doing ? I am all for double barrelling, and would absolutely love to. Unfortunately there is still that stupid culture thing where the man is entitled to their name. However for many reasons in this generation its important for us to at least consider it, things don't always go to plan, things change, ita ok to think ahead and organise your child's name . I will definitely double barrel my name when I get married soon, unsure about kids simply because of the stress and questions that I'll receive!

babyjellyfish · 04/04/2022 09:53

@JSL52

I'd give the baby your name and leave him off the birth certificate if he's being a dick.
This.

As an unmarried mother, the baby's name and birth certificate is one of the few things that is completely within your control.

Your unmarried partner, quite simply, does not get a say in the matter.

incognitoforthisone · 04/04/2022 10:03

I would be running a mile from a man who would 'never forgive' me if my name was included along with his in my child's surname - and I'd feel that way whether I was married to him or not. I know at least two married couples whose kids have both parents' surnames. It's the 21st century. Why such a drama over a child's actual bloody mother being represented along with the father in the kid's name? What is so offensive to your partner about that?

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/04/2022 10:04

Give the baby your name only.

Please see the red flags - you say the relationship would end if you only used your name yet this is exactly what he is demanding.

He does not respect you/women as equals and this relationship has no future. You will see in time.

dfendyr · 04/04/2022 10:05

Despite everyone's advise I can't just give her my surname. The relationship would be sure to end

Wow, are you sure you want to be in a relationship with someone like this?

Sandinmyknickers · 04/04/2022 10:07

@ekkn

Also meant to add. He says if i do double barrel the name, he will never forgive me.
Well that settles it then. I would give the baby your name alone.. (and probably reconsider the wedding)
MushroomQueen · 04/04/2022 10:07

I live in Portugal- here children get both parents names and I mean both even when married. Women don't lose their maiden name - the husbands name is added, so many kids here have very long names, usually so for example I used to teach a kid (name like) Joao Pedro Fonseca de Silva. Some had 4 names from grandparents etc. when I tell my Portuguese students who are learning British women lose their names traditionally they are flabbergasted- why?!? Day to day they use just the 1 surname which typically is the fathers name if married. In your situation I'd definitely double barrel and double barrel yours. He doesn't get to tell you you can't use your name on ur baby

notanothertakeaway · 04/04/2022 10:11

ZOMBIE THREAD

@ekkn Out of interest, what did you decide in the end?

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