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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wanting to double-barrel babies surname?

212 replies

ekkn · 23/12/2021 21:02

First baby, we aren't married but are engaged but realise that we won't be getting married for a long long time.

Things are also quite tense at the moment in the relationship, lots of arguments etc.

AIBU for suggesting we double barrel the babies name? I really don't want to have a completely different name to my child. But know that if we ever do get married it will not be for years and years to come, if we make it that far!

OP posts:
Benjispruce5 · 23/12/2021 22:39

I just wondered what happens when a double barrel marries a double barrel. I get why people double barrel but how to decide which name is dropped could be an issue. Does anyone have experience of that?

MondayYogurt · 23/12/2021 22:40

So if you suggest an action he threatens you with never forgiving you.
And if you try to discuss it he blames you and says you're planning for things to end.

But you think he'll be a good father instead of continuing to manipulate you and extending his control over your child.

As PP have said, the name is the least of your concerns.

Orreries · 23/12/2021 22:41

@Benjispruce5

I just wondered what happens when a double barrel marries a double barrel. I get why people double barrel but how to decide which name is dropped could be an issue. Does anyone have experience of that?
Seriously? Hmm
IDontThinkSoJohn · 23/12/2021 22:42

I think children should have their dad's name, if he's around and will be hands on,
How ridiculous.

@ekkn. Having a baby is a huge change and it can be difficult even when your relationship is not a difficult one. So remember Mumsnet will always be here for you day and night when you need it.

Benjispruce5 · 23/12/2021 22:43

@Orreries Yea serious. What’s the issue? I’m genuinely interested.

meditrina · 23/12/2021 22:44

@Benjispruce5

I just wondered what happens when a double barrel marries a double barrel. I get why people double barrel but how to decide which name is dropped could be an issue. Does anyone have experience of that?
Nearly all of Spain.

Women don't change their names, and the DC get the first part of each parent's name.

And I don't see why it wouid be a problem anyhow - DC have one surname or the other (as they wouid do with single word surnames) or combine elements from each in ways the parents find pleasing

On marriage, same - change or don't, or both use a new version using the nicer parts of each.

Benjispruce5 · 23/12/2021 22:45

If I’m a Ms Black Smith and I marry a Mr White Jones, our children will be Black Smith White Jones’ ?

timeisnotaline · 23/12/2021 22:45

So will it be just your name? I hope you’ve reconsidered double barrelling if the relationship looks on the rocks .

StellatheCat · 23/12/2021 22:46

Adding to the chorus - give the baby your name. I double barrelled and bitterly regret it, it’s also a mouthful and both names need spelled out as are slightly unusual. And my surname is first, which always seems to be the one that gets dropped!

timeisnotaline · 23/12/2021 22:47

@Benjispruce5

If I’m a Ms Black Smith and I marry a Mr White Jones, our children will be Black Smith White Jones’ ?
You’re an adult, presumably you can work out some option that isn’t ridiculous. To answer your question, no there is no law that requires your children to have both of the parents surnames exactly as they stand.
ChocolateDeficitDisorder · 23/12/2021 22:48

I just wondered what happens when a double barrel marries a double barrel. I get why people double barrel but how to decide which name is dropped could be an issue. Does anyone have experience of that?

How about they just keep their own names? Makes sense.

If/when they have children they can decide then, or give their children a different name. We're fortunate these days that we have choice - women in the past didn't, and many around the world still don't.

Orreries · 23/12/2021 22:48

[quote Benjispruce5]@Orreries Yea serious. What’s the issue? I’m genuinely interested.[/quote]
Literally every time the subject of giving a baby both its parents’ surnames comes up on Mn, someone says this, with an air of great profundity, like it’s some kind of clincher.

meditrina · 23/12/2021 22:48

@Benjispruce5

If I’m a Ms Black Smith and I marry a Mr White Jones, our children will be Black Smith White Jones’ ?
Only if you chose that

In Spain they wouid be the Black-Whites

They can however be any combination of any number of the elements of the name - or a completely new name - as the parents which. And if you want a quadruple barrelled name, then do for it.

You may well find that someone with a name that long decides to use only part of it in day to day life

Redhotspicywine · 23/12/2021 22:50

If you’re unmarried baby gets the mother’s name, that’s the tradition and also the most sensible option in your case

Benjispruce5 · 23/12/2021 22:51

Thanks @meditrina that’s interesting. I don’t know any Spanish people but I like the sound of that.

NoHeavenNoMore · 23/12/2021 22:51

@JSL52

I'd give the baby your name and leave him off the birth certificate if he's being a dick.
Same
NoHeavenNoMore · 23/12/2021 22:51

@Dontbeme

Give the baby your last name. If you marry you can change it to all have the same name. Traditionally the baby always took mother's surname, so keep to tradition, just in case he tries that tactic.
This is what I did Smile
CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/12/2021 22:55

Give the baby whatever name you like. There don’t seem to be many children around with family names anymore. I work in a primary school and things have noticeably changed since mine were little about 14 years ago. Loads of double barrelled first names AND surnames. Half the time you don’t know what to call the kid. I feel a bit sorry for them learning to write their name sometimes! Lots of the parents don’t seem to have the same name as their child either. Loads of blended families where everyone has a slightly different surname. Makes it difficult when eg you’ve got a group of parent volunteers signing in and you haven’t got a clue whose child is theirs. And whenever you ring a parent you have to check their name carefully on SIMS cos you can’t assume anymore that they’re “Mrs ”

It’s actually a breath of fresh air when a family comes in and they all have the same surname!

De88 · 23/12/2021 22:56

We double-barrelled because we're not married, and I didn't want to lose my family name and the link to their heritage, only having girl siblings and cousins. We plan to get a civil partnership at some point (marriage isn't for us, we're fully aware and have all legal provisions etc sorted and know what we need to do in the future!) and will keep my name as it is.

One of my siblings has two daughters to two different partners, neither relationship lasted- both have their respective father's surnames.

Geriatric1234 · 23/12/2021 22:58

Evil step-mum here. When I married my DH I took his surname. I don’t want children but have two utterly brilliant DSC and I have the same surname as the kids so everyone assumes I’m their mum.

I am drunk typing this but I do think it’s an important thing to bear in mind if you aren’t sure about the relationship cos it drive my DH’s ex nuts that we all share a surname. I do understand her position though I can’t really do much to make it better….

TheGoogleMum · 23/12/2021 23:00

Your name or double barrelled. Tbh at this point I wouldnt take his name when you do marry (if you ever do)

wishingitwasspring · 23/12/2021 23:02

I would first decide if marriage was still what I wanted. Then if so, I would get married now without a big fuss. Baby gets dads name.

If you decide there is no future with dad as a husband then you leave him and baby gets your name.

cherrytopcake · 23/12/2021 23:04

Never forgive you if you double barrelled your own baby's surname ? Who does he think he is ?! I'd give the baby your name. And your name only. Then leave him. Red flag to me... how dare he say that, it's not the 17th century anymore. Put your foot down and do what you want for your child and yourself.

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2021 23:10

Honestly - I sound like a judgemental can’t but I’ve had a bit to drink: why do some women have such low standards? Why aren’t these things discussed long before babies are conceived?

I find it so bloody depressing.

wishingitwasspring · 23/12/2021 23:11

@cherrytopcake

Never forgive you if you double barrelled your own baby's surname ? Who does he think he is ?! I'd give the baby your name. And your name only. Then leave him. Red flag to me... how dare he say that, it's not the 17th century anymore. Put your foot down and do what you want for your child and yourself.
But this baby is also his. He is still entitled to a view (I agree it sounds controlling put like is has).