AIBU for wanting to double-barrel babies surname?

[ekkn]

First baby, we aren't married but are engaged but realise that we won't be getting married for a long long time.

Things are also quite tense at the moment in the relationship, lots of arguments etc.

AIBU for suggesting we double barrel the babies name? I really don't want to have a completely different name to my child. But know that if we ever do get married it will not be for years and years to come, if we make it that far!

With double barreled names, the child can take the mother's original name if a girl and father's if a boy, and have a matrilinial or patrilinial line of descent when getting married. It isn't complicated. Or they can do whatever the hell they want. But the point is, OP, it is not something you need to argue. It's your choice. He can get angry, but if this is an important issue to you, and it would be to me, don't back down. Do what you want.

If your relationship can't survive some disappointment on his part, it's definitely not going to survive bringing up a child together.

Changing my name to his by deed poll? I wouldnt be doing it for him. It would be for me so that I will have the same name as my child.

My nephew's mum did that. She and my brother ended up not getting married and she called her next son my brother's surname too (he wasn't the father). He and I are always amused by how my father is going to reflect this in his massive A3 family tree drawing.

I've probably been a nagging bitch

Please don't talk about yourself like that. It's a nasty, misogynistic way to describe yourself.

It would be for me so that I will have the same name as my child.

Despite everyone's advise I can't just give her my surname. The relationship would be sure to end

So you wouldn't be changing your name "for you" and you wouldn't be changing it out of choice.

You'd be changing it because he has coerced you. Which is entirely for him despite your attempts to claim otherwise, with you desperately trying to find a way to make the situation more bearable. That's not what choice means - what is happening here is the absence of choice.

And you'd be disregarding the convention of a baby taking her mum's name to use his because he has coerced you. What he is forcing you to do is not even "traditional", it's purely motivated by control.

That's coercive control which is abuse and illegal. Your relationship is already dead. I'm sad you are not yet able to accept that.

I hope you feel able to talk to Women's Aid and do the Freedom Programme at some point so you can see how toxic and unhealthy this all is. That your arguments are over "trivial" things is not a redeeming feature, and the fact that you blame yourself for his behaviour in such a misogynistic way is upsetting - even if it's normal to you and something you have talked yourself into tolerating.

@Merryoldgoat

I’ve said YABU because I’d give the baby my surname in this situation.

You’re not happy and not likely to get married soon. In reality are you likely to ever get married?

I’d give them my name and that’s that.

This 👍🏼

which I know I'm going to get absolutely slaughtered by you all for suggesting it

That's not what is happening here btw - people are concerned, upset, and dismayed for you.

Just because he beats you down all the time, it doesn't mean that's what the rest of the world is about.

@ekkn

Another thought... which I know I'm going to get absolutely slaughtered by you all for suggesting it. But I will anyway to see your responses....

Changing my name to his by deed poll? I wouldnt be doing it for him. It would be for me so that I will have the same name as my child.

We wouldn't be married, because clearly we are not in an appropriate place to get married right now, but I would have his name and therefore my child's name. In the future if we separated, I would still have my child's name.

Despite everyone's advise I can't just give her my surname. The relationship would be sure to end and although I am financially okay, I have no family nearby other than his. Then there's selling the house whilst on maternity leave, renting whilst on maternity leave etc and thats a massive upheaval I dont need in the early months of my child's life. Not that I need shit from him over a surname, but here we are...

I dont want to separate from him, I'd like this to work if it can... naive and hormonal as I may be right now.

Do you actually want to feed the patriarchal egotistical fantasies of a man who would end a relationship with the mother of his child if she didn’t give their child his surname?

OP, this sounds like a worryingly coercive relationship.

Double-barrel it, no question.

I'm married and our kids are double-barrelled.

You're not asking to not give the baby his name at all, your asking to give the child your name as well as his. That's a compromise. If he would "never forgive you for that" then he's being completely unreasonable.

@Merryoldgoat

If not on birth certificate, I believe the father has no parental responsibilities and rights, but may not be obliged to pay child support. Worth investigating

Entirely untrue.

I am a registrar of births and deaths. If parents are unmarried and the mother attends alone to register, only her details will be on the birth certificate and the father will have NO parental rights or responsibilities. The father can be added to the birth certificate later either by attending a reregistration appointment with the mother or obtaining a court order to have his name added).

I wouldn't as it sounds like this relationship is doomed anyway and if you meet someone in the future and get married, you and your Dc will still have different names. If you really can't give dc your surname then double barrel it, at least when your relationship does end (sorry to be blunt, but it's not looking good) at least ds will have your surname.

Well if he’s being such a prat give baby your surname (babies traditionally have same name as mum if he’s going to pull tradition card) Is he going to parent with you? Letting him go on birth certificate gives him parental responsibility. PR means he can cause you hassle in long run if you split. It cost one of our Guide’s mums thousands in court fees and solicitor costs for court permission for girl to go on guides trip - dad had pr and was objecting. Needless to say judge agreed girl should go.
Op is unmarried and can’t put him on birth certificate - otherwise you could name anyone as father. On married women can add their husband as there is a presumption married woman’s husband is father of her baby. If he goes to registration appointment he can go on but up to op and if he cba going.

An unmarried father who isn’t in bc can of course go to court for parental responsibility but it’s not often done.

He still has child support obligations that’s not dependent on being named on bc.

Give the baby your name, that's what I did when I realised my exes lack of commitment wouldn't change even after baby was born. He thought about double barrelling it, but thankfully his surname which is unusual just didn't go with my surname. Also his surname was his step dad's so their was no way I was giving my baby a name of a person neither of us were related to, and also someone I hardly knew. He relented at the time, but if he hadn't I would have put my foot down on this one.

@ekkn

Also meant to add. He says if i do double barrel the name, he will never forgive me.

If my kids' father said that to me, I would not put him on the birth certificate I would not marry him, and I would not include his name at all.

My kids are double-barrelled by the way. Before we were married, they had my name only, and my (now) husband was totally fine with that, because he's not a sexist dickhead.

Please listen to the many, many women on this thread who regret their decision to give the baby their shithead ex's surname.

@Benjispruce5

If I’m a Ms Black Smith and I marry a Mr White Jones, our children will be Black Smith White Jones’ ?

Seems like it would make sense there for the children to be Grey Silversmith-Jones.

Oh, by the way, I think he's kicking off over this because he's already planning on dumping you/looking for a replacement whilst having the legal right to dictate your life - without the legal obligations that would come with marriage.

He's angry because he's realised that if he wants the legal power over you via your child once he's moved in with the next women, he'd need to get married first. And he doesn't want to do that.

Definitely your surname and his name NOT on the birth certificate. If you are daft enough decide to marry him in the future, he gets PR. And when he doesn't and leaves, he goes to court and gets awarded it if he wants it.

Despite everyone's advise I can't just give her my surname. The relationship would be sure to end and although I am financially okay, I have no family nearby other than his. Then there's selling the house whilst on maternity leave, renting whilst on maternity leave etc and thats a massive upheaval I dont need in the early months of my child's life. Not that I need shit from him over a surname, but here we are...

This does not sound like a marriage that will last. Believe me from experience, I'd far rather have done those things when my DD was a baby versus doing them when she was old enough to be aware and affected by it (which is what happened). I have never regretted double barreling her name, I don't think I'd have regretted it if I'd chosen to give her only my name. I know that I'd regret it constantly if she had only her father's name and I'm so glad that isn't the case.

Carrying a baby and giving birth are bloody hard work and I'll eat my hat if he turns out to be involved in parenting than you will be.

Both you and the baby's father are thinking about this as it affects each of you. Perhaps, it's time to think about how it affects the baby? She is a person in her own right and, one day, you'll have to explain your decisions to her. Neither parent owns the right to control her identity for her entire lifetime.

Think about what you will tell your future grown-up child - do you really want to say you burdened her with your boyfriend's surname because you were scared he would dump you? Or, do you want to tell her that you gave her your surname in the reasonable expectation that her father would marry you and you'd all have the same surname upon marriage?

Your control of the baby's name only lasts for a small percentage of her life. When she's old enough - usually at least 16 y/o - she could choose to deed poll her name to something completely different. She could legally decide that neither parent made good decisions about all of her names and change the whole lot. Names can be temporary. But, actions can have lifelong consequences. Set her a good example of motherly strength and courage of conviction; whatever name you give her, it should not be given under duress or fear.

If he whinges give baby your surname. From a practical POV for when baby is older having the same surname is easier for travel etc.

This relationship does not sound like it’s going to last anyway. So you’d need to be thinking about the future without this man from a practical POV.

When he marries you, you and your child can change their name to his. Not before.

Your pregnancy
You give birth
Your surname

In the nicest possible way OP you are being an absolute mug giving your baby this idiot's name.
He sounds bloody awful.

Can't believe another thread I've commented on today where the partner is an arsehole.
I bet money on this not lasting.

Don't be a lightweight here. He will be able to dictate where you travel with YOUR baby because they have a different name, amongst other things. How can you even want to marry such an arse??

Take control. Double barrel at the VERY minimum. How can you grow a baby, give birth to it, care and nourish it and NOT give it YOUR name??!! Honestly I'm livid for you!