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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wanting to double-barrel babies surname?

212 replies

ekkn · 23/12/2021 21:02

First baby, we aren't married but are engaged but realise that we won't be getting married for a long long time.

Things are also quite tense at the moment in the relationship, lots of arguments etc.

AIBU for suggesting we double barrel the babies name? I really don't want to have a completely different name to my child. But know that if we ever do get married it will not be for years and years to come, if we make it that far!

OP posts:
WeatherwaxOn · 23/12/2021 22:00

Your name, or use both but yours first. A friend of mine is still dealing with fallout from an acrimonious divorce as her ex is battling for custody (cancels all plans 9/10 times and the 1/10 time he does parents its full on Disney dad). He's not allowed near friend (physical and verbal abuse) and refuses to let her change child's surname to both.

Fireflygal · 23/12/2021 22:03

He needs to think about why it's impacting him. It's not logical for him to feel so upset. It's just a name.

It's really common to have dB names. I wish I had done it.

littlebilliie · 23/12/2021 22:07

I would think about giving the baby his name and marrying at the Christening or naming ceremony so you both share the name and commitment. I think that's fair

AngelinaFibres · 23/12/2021 22:13

@Dontbeme

Give the baby your last name. If you marry you can change it to all have the same name. Traditionally the baby always took mother's surname, so keep to tradition, just in case he tries that tactic.
Surely traditionally the babies parents were married to each other before the baby appeared and the mother had taken the husband's surname which the baby also had.
JeffThePilot · 23/12/2021 22:14

@ekkn

Also meant to add. He says if i do double barrel the name, he will never forgive me.
Yes the obvious thing to do is give the baby your name. Your partner sounds like a dick.
girljulian · 23/12/2021 22:15

@AngelinaFibres I assume PP meant in the case of an unmarried mother, of which there have always been many! Children of unmarried mothers traditionally take mother’s surname.

RoomOfRequirement · 23/12/2021 22:16

It gets your name, surely? This whole father's surname makes less than 0 sense if it's not also your name, and double barreled names are annoying for kids and I hope they don't have a baby with someone else with a double barrel!

Frazzled2207 · 23/12/2021 22:17

@JSL52

I'd give the baby your name and leave him off the birth certificate if he's being a dick.
This
Orreries · 23/12/2021 22:19

@littlebilliie

I would think about giving the baby his name and marrying at the Christening or naming ceremony so you both share the name and commitment. I think that's fair
Why on earth would the OP want to marry someone with whom she has a tense, argumentative relationship and who thinks their mutual baby not having his name is some kind of insult?
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 23/12/2021 22:20

If you're planning on getting married and are upset at having a different surname, could changing your name by deed poll be an option?

I know it's not ideal and I don't see why your partner is being a dick about it the baby can't have your name but it might solve the problem

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 23/12/2021 22:22

Actually ignore what I've said. I missed your paragraph in the OP about things being tense Blush

Slabadabbadooby · 23/12/2021 22:23

When I had my DD, the only options as far as I was concerned were that she had my surname, or we double barrelled. We double barrelled. However, if I were in your situation I'd be giving the baby my surname without a doubt.

PugInTheHouse · 23/12/2021 22:25

Personally I dislike double barrelled names DH and I weren't married when DS came along, we intended on getting married and I wanted to take his name. I changed my surname by deed poll to DHs so we all had the same surname when DS was born, it cost £15.

The fact he said he won't forgive you if you double barrel it is totally shit though.

JeffThePilot · 23/12/2021 22:25

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

If you're planning on getting married and are upset at having a different surname, could changing your name by deed poll be an option?

I know it's not ideal and I don't see why your partner is being a dick about it the baby can't have your name but it might solve the problem

Or here’s a thing, maybe he can change his name by deed poll if it’s so important to him to have the same surname as his child.
PutBabyInTheCorner · 23/12/2021 22:25

I'm not married and my children have their dad's surname. I've never wanted to get married so I'll always have a different surname to them but that doesn't bother me at all.
If it's important to you to have the same name I'd give the baby yours too.
My other half wanted our children to have his second name and I didn't have any issue with that but I know other unmarried mums who have the same name as their kids.

AnotherEmma · 23/12/2021 22:25

Children should always share a surname with their primary carer, which is almost always the mother. It is in fact traditional for children to have their mother's surname, and it's the surname your baby will be given by default in hospital (obviously when you later register the birth you can use a different surname if you prefer).

You should absolutely give your child your own surname. If your partner wants to give his surname in addition, it could be another surname or a middle name. If you're going to give the child two surnames, consider how long the names are and whether they sound ok together. Two short surnames can work well double-barrelled. If one or both of the surnames was long or awkward I would suggest putting his surname as middle name.

There is absolutely no need to change your surname after you get married, either (if you get married). It's a sexist, outdated tradition.

I would be making these points even if the relationship was going well, but it's especially important to bear them in mind if things are rocky.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/12/2021 22:27

@ekkn

Also meant to add. He says if i do double barrel the name, he will never forgive me.
Why are you with this sexist prick?
PugInTheHouse · 23/12/2021 22:27

Sorry I posted too soon, also if things are tense/lots of arguments, paired with him being such a twat over it I would be giving the baby my own surname.

Thirtytimesround · 23/12/2021 22:28

I would not give the baby the father’s surname unless we were married. Mum and baby are a package deal. You want the baby to have your surname? You marry the mum.

Saying to a pregnant woman that he’ll never forgive her for including her name as part of the baby’s is bizarre and kinda emotional abuse.

On the name thing, I want to suggest that you have a quick legal wedding now before the baby is born and all have the same family surname, then a ‘big’ party in future when money available.

But given his behaviour I’m very reluctant to suggest that you marry this man. Hopefully you’re just having a row and both saying things you don’t mean, I dunno. But forgiving each other is a (daily!!) part of marriage.

AnguaResurgam · 23/12/2021 22:29

Also meant to add. He says if i do double barrel the name, he will never forgive me

I hope he was joking.

Because if not, this is bullying

IWasFunBeforeMum · 23/12/2021 22:30

Mine are double barrelled for the same reason - we're in no rush to marry and I didn't want them only having his name. Tell him he'll forgive you even less if he carries on and you register with just your name.. prick.

SmallGreenStripes · 23/12/2021 22:31

I said Yabu because you should definitely give the baby your name, not his

Benjispruce5 · 23/12/2021 22:32

@IWasFunBeforeMum what happens if your children marry and or have kids? I’ve always wondered.

VikingOnTheFridge · 23/12/2021 22:36

[quote Benjispruce5]@IWasFunBeforeMum what happens if your children marry and or have kids? I’ve always wondered.[/quote]
They'll do the same thing as anyone else, call their child whatever they want. But if you want some cultural examples, try Spain.

ChocolateDeficitDisorder · 23/12/2021 22:36

I think children should have their dad's name, if he's around and will be hands on,

The vast majority of mothers are around and are hands on, even more so than fathers usually. Why wouldn't the child have their name?

It is traditional for a child to have it's mother's name as they were the parent who could be evidenced unless the parents were married and the father was assumed to be the husband. It's most definitely not traditional (or practical) to name a child with a different surname to it's mother.

I had my 2 DC before we married, they have double-barrelled surnames that they can do with what they wish in the future. When we got married nothing changed - why would it?