To Think Having ASD Doesn’t Entitle You to This?

[WheelieBinPrincess]

Just moved into our own flat after many many years of renting/saving. Outskirts of London, zone 5, which explains why we’ve bought a flat and not a house, a flat was what we could afford. But it’s a nice place. Not a new build, for context, but not really old either. 70’s I think. We are on the ground floor. Above us live a single mum and her teenage son.

We’ve only been here three nights but have been kept up until 3am or so by what was quite obviously someone using headphones and shouting into a mouthpiece. DH was a gamer so I knew what was going on. Think ‘NOOOOOO!!!’ And ‘FUCCCCKKKKKKKK’ at random intervals. It’s incredibly loud.

We have a 3 month old baby. Sleep is obviously precious enough as it is, he still wakes 2/3 times in a night to feed.

Anyway, this morning we popped upstairs and the mum answers the door-explained that we just moved in, can hear all the shouting, please can it stop because it’s a very unsociable time of night to be dealing with that level of noise, we have a baby, DH has work etc etc. She was very apologetic and said it was her 15 year old son playing Fortnite, and she went to sleep with ear plugs in but that he wakes her up a lot too.

But then she said there wasn’t much she could do because her son has ASD, it’s his hobby and only way of being sociable as he games with others online, he considers these gamers his friends so he won’t be able to stop doing it. She said in time hopefully we’ll ‘filter out’ the noise. He gets carried away and he doesn’t do it on purpose but she said again about his ASD and repeated that that’s the way he is and there is nothing she can do. Then she said we hope we have a lovely Christmas and closed the door

Now, I know this is Mumsnet and I’ve been here a long time. So, before anyone asks-

No, we can’t ‘move bedrooms’
No, we can’t move
No, we can’t afford a detached house.

But surely we shouldn’t just have to put up with it?! They’re having a laugh right?

I would fucking hate this

My son is ASD and a very loud gamer. I’d be mortified if he kept the neighbours awake. We have a rule that the headset goes off by ten. Yanbu.

Not ok. Sorry op, what a nightmare.

When she says there's nothing she can do what she means is she plans to do nothing
That's your starting point.
The mother won't try anything so even if you suggest something reasonable she won't go for it

My DS has Asperger's and ADHD. And he's a gamer. There is NO WAY I would tolerate him making this much noise. She needs to speak to him and tell him to keep the noise down. Perhaps if he wasn't wearing earphones it would be better?

Not okay at all but you'll soon have someone come to call you ableist.

Start keeping a diary and make recordings.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/problems-where-you-live/complaining-about-your-neighbour/

No way! my son has Asd and if he was very loud gamer I would be making sure it's turned off at a reasonable time like 9pm!

It’s probably worse at the moment as he’ll be on school holidays. It’s not acceptable at night and actually the language isn’t acceptable IMO either. Start keeping a diary and start the process of complaining to your council?

Of course It's not ok.
I've been in the same position, toddler and a baby, I was top floor though and the neighbour below was in his 50's and had ASD, and would sleep all day and then blast horrific shit 90s club classics until 4/5am. We had to invest in a very loud white noise machine to drown it out. I have all the sympathy for you. Trying to remember they have ASD isn't helpful at 4am with a newborn who won't sleep and is kept awake night after night.

No definitely not okay. He's socialising but it's 3 in the morning. He doesn't have to stop gaming entirely, but telling him to be offline by a reasonable time is the least a courteous neighbour would do

You done the right thing in actually speaking to her.

Sadly her attitude means you'll probably have to escalate it and complain to the council if it doesn't stop.

Have a look at their website and there should be steps to follow on there.

Its not acceptable. I agree with making a complaint. But the trouble is if you do you may have to disclose a neighbour dispute when you come to sell.

So what if he does have that?! He’s being selfish and antisocial, mum is also letting him get away with that. Plus let him think his wants trump others -they don’t

Another vote for keeping a diary and escalating his / their antisocial noise

YANBU. I would start playing Metallica really loudly at a time at a time to inconvenience them.

This probably isn’t a new behaviour so I’d be interested in what the seller reported about this.

Nope not ok. Both my teens (one with ASD) are gamers and I don’t tolerate constant shouting and swearing. We’re detached so no neighbours to worry about but I don’t want to be kept awake or disturbed by it.
You need to go back and be firmer. Tell her you appreciate gaming is important to her son but you won’t be filtering out or learning to live with it. The keep a diary and start reporting as a noise nuisance.

As the autistic mother of an autistic teenager, this is not ok.

Not acceptable my son and daughter both game and have autism, there is a no noise after 10pm rule here that they stick to. I'd be mortified if they ever caused any problem for my neighbours.

There’s no reason at all for her not to set clear boundaries. ASD or not, 3am is not a time to be up shouting and swearing on a game.
Neighbours aside- how is this affecting his schooling? His mother’s life?
You did the right thing talking to them, but I agree with others. It’s time to keep a log of it.

I think there’s a leasehold association we can speak to actually but I thought I’d give them the benefit of the doubt first, the flat was empty for a couple of weeks before we moved in so it wouldn’t have bothered anyone. But it’s obvious we’ve moved in now, lights on and boxes and vans arriving etc.

If I end up complaining to the council, will it go on an official record and come up when we eventually sell?

I am sorry to hear this. It must be so upsetting.

Realistically, you will probably have little impact on changing the behaviour whether or not its acceptable. As it is about his parents capacity to support him and manage the fact he doesnt understand and they look to not have that capacity.

I have an air filter in my room that makes a lot of white noise and it helps me with sleeping through other noises.

It is her absolutely her responsibility as the PARENT to stop her son from doing this so yes there is something she could do but she either cba or hasn't got the balls to do it

Do you have a management company? Ours has a clause about behaviours like this. Otherwise, wake the mother up at 3am when it's happening. ASD teens here who game but no way this is acceptable.

I'm autistic and I don't think it's an excuse. Gaming as a social activity is fine. Shouting and swearing all night isn't. My brother (no SN) used to do this when we were growing up, and then scream and swear at me if I asked him to stop or be quiet (because in speaking to him I'd been a distraction and made his character die...). It was very unpleasant. Moreso as I have sensory sensitivities and loud noises are difficult anyway.

'If you're gaming after a certain time, you have to be quiet' is a reasonable expectation, I think.