To Think Having ASD Doesn’t Entitle You to This?

[WheelieBinPrincess]

Just moved into our own flat after many many years of renting/saving. Outskirts of London, zone 5, which explains why we’ve bought a flat and not a house, a flat was what we could afford. But it’s a nice place. Not a new build, for context, but not really old either. 70’s I think. We are on the ground floor. Above us live a single mum and her teenage son.

We’ve only been here three nights but have been kept up until 3am or so by what was quite obviously someone using headphones and shouting into a mouthpiece. DH was a gamer so I knew what was going on. Think ‘NOOOOOO!!!’ And ‘FUCCCCKKKKKKKK’ at random intervals. It’s incredibly loud.

We have a 3 month old baby. Sleep is obviously precious enough as it is, he still wakes 2/3 times in a night to feed.

Anyway, this morning we popped upstairs and the mum answers the door-explained that we just moved in, can hear all the shouting, please can it stop because it’s a very unsociable time of night to be dealing with that level of noise, we have a baby, DH has work etc etc. She was very apologetic and said it was her 15 year old son playing Fortnite, and she went to sleep with ear plugs in but that he wakes her up a lot too.

But then she said there wasn’t much she could do because her son has ASD, it’s his hobby and only way of being sociable as he games with others online, he considers these gamers his friends so he won’t be able to stop doing it. She said in time hopefully we’ll ‘filter out’ the noise. He gets carried away and he doesn’t do it on purpose but she said again about his ASD and repeated that that’s the way he is and there is nothing she can do. Then she said we hope we have a lovely Christmas and closed the door

Now, I know this is Mumsnet and I’ve been here a long time. So, before anyone asks-

No, we can’t ‘move bedrooms’
No, we can’t move
No, we can’t afford a detached house.

But surely we shouldn’t just have to put up with it?! They’re having a laugh right?

Yanbu, I'd be keeping a noise diary and contacting the council and ringing the doorbell to tell them to shut up
Totally unacceptable that her solution was that hopefully you will filter it out

@thenewduchessoflapland your perfect 13yo might wipe the smug smile off your face as he proceeds through adolescence. I'd reserve judgement if I were you.

Nobody with half a brain would claim that ASD entitles anyone to screech obscenities at 3am while gaming in a built-up area. Nobody has attempted to take that position, apart from (allegedly) the mother the OP spoke to. It's interesting, therefore, to see the avalanche of posters indignantly piling in as though we all blithely let our kids with ASD do as they please and fuck everybody else.

My 19yo with ASD has never, and would never, behave like this. He's actually a bit too considerate of others, to his own detriment. My NT 17yo did try it on when he was about 15. He woke his dad and I up, was given very short shrift, and doesn't shout at his mates at antisocial hours any more. But he isn't the one with ASD, so of course I wouldn't think he was entitled to make a racket

@WheelieBinPrincess

Yeah obviously it’s the Christmas holidays now so I don’t know what goes in in term time. He sleeps until 11am after being up apparently so we didn’t see him. But that’s still a lot of weekends and holidays even if he doesn’t do it on a school night.

I have no idea if there was any noise before. That’s what sucks about buying a place you see once for about twenty minutes, you have no idea about stuff like this. I do know the vendor was a single guy and spent a lot of time away or with his girlfriend so the flat was barely lived in.

It’s awful lying there at night and you’re sort of on edge just waiting for the next noise, we were so excited for our first home!

I honestly really feel for you.

The anxiety of waiting for a baby to wake is bad enough, without some arsehole next door shrieking.

@CovidisaThiefofJoyandcandoone

.... having said that a solicitor's letter might do the trick.

really sorry about this OP.

Or even a letter from the council. Usually scares people enough without actually having to take action

@Sleepyblueocean

"If a kid can understand a video game like fortnite they can understand that people sleep at night."

Yes that child can. Some other people with autism cannot so people can give it a rest with 'my child can because of my fantastic parenting so they all can' type comments.

I don't think the OP is unreasonable in expecting the neighbour to do more but she could have chosen a less inflammatory thread title that doesn't looks like it is designed to get the bigots out.

This 💗

I'd try talking to the mum again. It could well be that this behaviour is the safest and quietest of the options she has.

He may not understand boundaries etc if she stops him gaming it could be that he's up all night having a meltdown or stimming which would disturb you even more. She's probably shattered and stressed and thinks it's just another fight she needs to have now to protect her child (she'll likely be fighting in one way or another alot).

As another poster has said the mum could speak to the la about home improvements so that he can still game and you would hear less or none at all. She may not be aware of this or has asked for support and been turned away or Is scared of asking due to the stigma.

Keeping a diary and reporting etc will likely not help and may just cause a bad relationship with your neighbours. I'd wait until school goes back and maybe invite her out for a coffee and just talk it through, if you support her assessment she may get respite too if she hasn't already. Worst case you haven't really lost anything, best case it all gets resolved well for you all and you don't have neighbour problems to live with.

Local council deals with noise problems. They may ask you to download an App and press it to record when the noise is going on. It then sends automatically ( I think). If it passes a threshold they will initially write to the person you’re complaining about, if the news continues they’ll prosecute.
While having every sympathy for parents of children with ASD you have to put some rules in place.

My post about my severely autistic daughter shouting all day and night and not understanding instructions is related to this people, yes she isnt shouting any swear words but she does shout random words enough to wake others up. We r just lucky that we happen to live in detached house. Im asking what should happen if she shouts and wakes neighbours if we live in detached house. I can see it from both sides. Maybe the mum has spent years trying to get him to stop. Maybe she is exhausted not having much sleep every night. Parents of special needs children dont want to have to deal with these things. People assuming she is bad parent and dont care bothers me because u have idea. I wouldnt wish the life on anyone.

Attached house not detached.

I expect people to make allowances and adjustments for my child with ASD - so he’s a bit noisy on a bus or whatever, it’s ten minutes out of your life and believe me he’ll be louder if I try and stop him - but no way would I expect the neighbours to put up with him cursing loud enough for them to hear every night at 3am!

Didnt mean people randomly im tired

Regardless of him having ASD, he has to learn to live in the world with everyone else, and that means learning that there are reasonable rules.

I would go back to his mum and ask for a compromise. That she turn the router off at midnight and her son learn some consideration. She needs to try to prepare her son for adult life, no matter how tough.

Having ASD does not give freedom to be completely inconsiderate.

And still they come.

@Sleepyblueocean lmao

I really wasn’t trying to be inflammatory at all.

I have a brother with Aspergers as it goes, I’m aware it’s a broad Spectrum and Im not sure how severe his ASD is- I don’t know enough about him.

I have ASD and my ex boyfriend had it but less subtle, his parents didn’t allow him on a game after 10pm even when he was 23

@Newrunner29

My post about my severely autistic daughter shouting all day and night and not understanding instructions is related to this people, yes she isnt shouting any swear words but she does shout random words enough to wake others up. We r just lucky that we happen to live in detached house. Im asking what should happen if she shouts and wakes neighbours if we live in detached house. I can see it from both sides. Maybe the mum has spent years trying to get him to stop. Maybe she is exhausted not having much sleep every night. Parents of special needs children dont want to have to deal with these things. People assuming she is bad parent and dont care bothers me because u have idea. I wouldnt wish the life on anyone.

Would you let you teenage child stay up all night gaming, and shouting ‘NOOOOOO!!!’ And ‘FUCCCCKKKKKKKK’ at random intervals though, especially when your neighbour has told you it's keeping her and her newborn baby awake?

Because that's what this thread is about. It's not about a severely autistic child shouting "random words enough to wake others up".

Again, gaming at 3am is a deliberate act. Shouting and ticcing etc isn't.

@WheelieBinPrincess

I really wasn’t trying to be inflammatory at all.

I have a brother with Aspergers as it goes, I’m aware it’s a broad Spectrum and Im not sure how severe his ASD is- I don’t know enough about him.

You failed.

A child who is able to process and understand the instruction of no then yes of course. And the OP has no idea how severe their autism is. Also dont know what hes like when the parent has tried to stop it. Because im sure anyone would at least attmept to stop their child swearing in middle of night, when i attempt to stop my daughter doing anything her usal go to is biting me or her dad that or attacking us. Which obviously we would rather she didnt and we dont just let her get away with stuff because she does we just have to put up with it. Luckly for us she is only nearly 5 so small still i hate to think when she gets to a teenager! The point is u have no idea what the parent has or hasnt tried.

"Again, gaming at 3am is a deliberate act. Shouting and ticcing etc isn't."

The gaming may stop him from shouting other things, ticking, melting down or other things which could be louder. So yes it's deliberate but it could very well be the best of the options. I'm pretty sure the mum would want to sleep and will be doing what is best for that to happen.

@Justrealised

"Again, gaming at 3am is a deliberate act. Shouting and ticcing etc isn't."

The gaming may stop him from shouting other things, ticking, melting down or other things which could be louder. So yes it's deliberate but it could very well be the best of the options. I'm pretty sure the mum would want to sleep and will be doing what is best for that to happen.

I also trying to explain this but u have said it much better

Thanks for explaining @Justrealised

I'm not sure what the solution is then.

OP, do you know if any of the other neighbours have complained and if so, what the outcome may have been?

It would be odd if the late night gaming was only affecting you.

@Floundery

You failed

Yep.

The irony is that you would have got more helpful responses if you’d not used such an inflammatory title. It’s basically an invitation to the bigoted and ignorant - who have done us all proud here. 🙄

Agreed.

No you shouldn't have to put up with it but there may not be much his mother can do.

ASD is a wide spectrum and that's before you add on other things like adhd, pda, trauma etc etc Some children are incredibly complex and need specialist support which mostly doesn't exist. The mother could be useless but most likely is doing the best she can and doesn't know what else to do.

Do you think her best case scenario was needing earplugs every night? He's most likely playing with friends internationally hence the timings. There's also the real possibility that stopping play could result in very long meltdowns which won't help your situation at all.

I would suggest getting the ball rolling with keeping diaries and contacting environmental health with a view to hopefully getting some soundproofing into your neighbours property.