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Original poster

To Think Having ASD Doesn’t Entitle You to This?

313 replies

WheelieBinPrincess · 23/12/2021 12:42

Just moved into our own flat after many many years of renting/saving. Outskirts of London, zone 5, which explains why we’ve bought a flat and not a house, a flat was what we could afford. But it’s a nice place. Not a new build, for context, but not really old either. 70’s I think. We are on the ground floor. Above us live a single mum and her teenage son.

We’ve only been here three nights but have been kept up until 3am or so by what was quite obviously someone using headphones and shouting into a mouthpiece. DH was a gamer so I knew what was going on. Think ‘NOOOOOO!!!’ And ‘FUCCCCKKKKKKKK’ at random intervals. It’s incredibly loud.

We have a 3 month old baby. Sleep is obviously precious enough as it is, he still wakes 2/3 times in a night to feed.

Anyway, this morning we popped upstairs and the mum answers the door-explained that we just moved in, can hear all the shouting, please can it stop because it’s a very unsociable time of night to be dealing with that level of noise, we have a baby, DH has work etc etc. She was very apologetic and said it was her 15 year old son playing Fortnite, and she went to sleep with ear plugs in but that he wakes her up a lot too.

But then she said there wasn’t much she could do because her son has ASD, it’s his hobby and only way of being sociable as he games with others online, he considers these gamers his friends so he won’t be able to stop doing it. She said in time hopefully we’ll ‘filter out’ the noise. He gets carried away and he doesn’t do it on purpose but she said again about his ASD and repeated that that’s the way he is and there is nothing she can do. Then she said we hope we have a lovely Christmas and closed the door Confused

Now, I know this is Mumsnet and I’ve been here a long time. So, before anyone asks-

No, we can’t ‘move bedrooms’
No, we can’t move
No, we can’t afford a detached house.

But surely we shouldn’t just have to put up with it?! They’re having a laugh right?

OP posts:
Horst · 23/12/2021 15:23

Lodge a noise complaint with the council.

There is no need for anyone to be shouting at video games at 3am disability or not.

cansu · 23/12/2021 15:29

On the face of it you are of course right. However you should also consider that if she could have stopped him by now she would have. Some people with autism have very challenging behaviour and can be extremely obsessive. I have a profoundly autistic ds who no longer lives at home. When he did he would jump and run from one end of the house to the other banging on the wall at each end. It was impossible to stop hi.. he had no understanding of the issue and had no language. If prevented physically he would become aggressive. I am telling you this because this could be what the mum faces. If so then she will not be able to stop him.

TowandaForever · 23/12/2021 15:30

@duvetdayforeveryone

The mum needs to get the Autism team social worker to make an application for a disabled facilities grant to soundproof her son's room.
I don't know where you live but there is no such help where I am!
AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 23/12/2021 15:31

@MajorCarolDanvers

You could try ringing the doorbell a few times at 3am. If you disturb her as much as he is disturbing you she might start to take action.
How lovely.
cansu · 23/12/2021 15:34

A disabled facilities grant is very hard to come by and is not usually available to soundproof a flat. Stopping the gaming could also lead to more problematic behaviour.

Original poster
WheelieBinPrincess · 23/12/2021 15:42

Look, I do sympathise if indeed it’s a problem that the mum can’t deal with, rather than won’t.

I’ve emailed the committee guy (I don’t know what his proper title is) from the leasehold association- he lives next to them- he says yes he has been woken by gaming but he’s spoken directly to the kid and he says he was alright about it and says he’d game in a different room and to approach him directly. Which I’m happy to do. They rent, they don’t own so I’m guessing that gives us more leverage to complain.

OP posts:
Eleganz · 23/12/2021 15:46

@cansu

On the face of it you are of course right. However you should also consider that if she could have stopped him by now she would have. Some people with autism have very challenging behaviour and can be extremely obsessive. I have a profoundly autistic ds who no longer lives at home. When he did he would jump and run from one end of the house to the other banging on the wall at each end. It was impossible to stop hi.. he had no understanding of the issue and had no language. If prevented physically he would become aggressive. I am telling you this because this could be what the mum faces. If so then she will not be able to stop him.
I don't think that keeping a very young baby and new mother awake is acceptable fallout. If she can't control this behaviour she needs to seek help and support not just let it make other's lives shit and shut the door on their faces when they try and have raise the issue.
Eleganz · 23/12/2021 15:49

@WheelieBinPrincess

Look, I do sympathise if indeed it’s a problem that the mum can’t deal with, rather than won’t.

I’ve emailed the committee guy (I don’t know what his proper title is) from the leasehold association- he lives next to them- he says yes he has been woken by gaming but he’s spoken directly to the kid and he says he was alright about it and says he’d game in a different room and to approach him directly. Which I’m happy to do. They rent, they don’t own so I’m guessing that gives us more leverage to complain.

Try and keep a diary of each occasion this happens as well. If the approach you outlined doesn't work and you are being routinely disturbed at 3 am or so in the morning you need to raise it with the council.

Of course you are right to try and be reasonable but the situation is unacceptable.

Sleepyblueocean · 23/12/2021 15:50

"If she can't control this behaviour she needs to seek help and support not just let it make other's lives shit"

From where?

FemmeFutile · 23/12/2021 15:53

Snip their wifi cable Grin

FemmeFutile · 23/12/2021 15:53

(That was obviously a joke)

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 23/12/2021 15:54

@FemmeFutile

(That was obviously a joke)
How funny! Why not dismantle any kind of ramp for wheelchairs? That would be funny, too.
AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 23/12/2021 15:55

@WheelieBinPrincess

Look, I do sympathise if indeed it’s a problem that the mum can’t deal with, rather than won’t.

I’ve emailed the committee guy (I don’t know what his proper title is) from the leasehold association- he lives next to them- he says yes he has been woken by gaming but he’s spoken directly to the kid and he says he was alright about it and says he’d game in a different room and to approach him directly. Which I’m happy to do. They rent, they don’t own so I’m guessing that gives us more leverage to complain.

No, OP, I don't believe you sympathise at all.

And how nice that you owning the flat - rather than their renting - gives you more leverage.

I would say more but MN would ban me for life.

soapboxqueen · 23/12/2021 15:56

I don't think that keeping a very young baby and new mother awake is acceptable fallout. If she can't control this behaviour she needs to seek help and support not just let it make other's lives shit and shut the door on their faces when they try and have raise the issue.

Ah yes 'support'.

Do the great British public honestly believe that parents and families of children with SEND just choose to ignore the great banquet of support available?

Or recognise that it just doesn't exist.

Eleganz · 23/12/2021 15:56

@Sleepyblueocean

"If she can't control this behaviour she needs to seek help and support not just let it make other's lives shit"

From where?

From wherever she can get it. One of the many autism charities for instance.

It is really quite simple. There is antisocial noise being made by the neighbour and she is refusing to do anything about it. Either she seeks help or OP has no choice but to raise it with the Authorities. Being apologetic and shrugging your shoulders before shutting the door is not a solution to the problem as that may well lead to an abatement notice and then fine if she does not comply.

Eleganz · 23/12/2021 15:58

@soapboxqueen

I don't think that keeping a very young baby and new mother awake is acceptable fallout. If she can't control this behaviour she needs to seek help and support not just let it make other's lives shit and shut the door on their faces when they try and have raise the issue.

Ah yes 'support'.

Do the great British public honestly believe that parents and families of children with SEND just choose to ignore the great banquet of support available?

Or recognise that it just doesn't exist.

Okay then she can just get served an abatement notice and a fine.

OP does not have to accept being woken up regularly at 3 am by someone shouting because they have a disability.

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 23/12/2021 15:58

@soapboxqueen

I don't think that keeping a very young baby and new mother awake is acceptable fallout. If she can't control this behaviour she needs to seek help and support not just let it make other's lives shit and shut the door on their faces when they try and have raise the issue.

Ah yes 'support'.

Do the great British public honestly believe that parents and families of children with SEND just choose to ignore the great banquet of support available?

Or recognise that it just doesn't exist.

We all know that autistic people are entitled. The OP told us so.

And this view has been backed up the posters who say 'disability is no excuse' and make helpful suggestions like ringing their doorbell at 3am and cutting their Internet cable.

FemmeFutile · 23/12/2021 15:58

@AlfonsoTheUnrepentant

I am actually autistic, diagnosed with aspergers as an adult.

We are allowed to make jokes.

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 23/12/2021 16:01

On the Internet, eveyone claims to be a dog.

/paraphrase of the wonderful New Yorker cartoon

x2boys · 23/12/2021 16:01

Yeah because it's that easy @Eleganze ,I have a severely autistic son who also has severe learning disabilities too ,we get fuck all support ,so I'm guessing families who have children ,whose children are less impacted than mine get less than zero 🙄

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 23/12/2021 16:02

@x2boys

Yeah because it's that easy *@Eleganze* ,I have a severely autistic son who also has severe learning disabilities too ,we get fuck all support ,so I'm guessing families who have children ,whose children are less impacted than mine get less than zero 🙄
No no no, @x2boys. There are many autism charities out there. Just ask @Eleganz.
Eleganz · 23/12/2021 16:03

I think people need to take a look at the relevant legislation as to what constitutes a statuary nuisance. Regular noise at unsociable hours is a statuary nuisance and is not acceptable.

The fact that that noise comes form a teenager with ASD is neither here nor their. Either the occupier has to abate the noise or they can be served with notice and fined or charged for works performed by the council to abate the noise.

The idea that a baby and new mother being keep awake every night is the only reasonable thing to do to show sympathy for people with autism is ridiculous.

soapboxqueen · 23/12/2021 16:03

*Okay then she can just get served an abatement notice and a fine.

OP does not have to accept being woken up regularly at 3 am by someone shouting because they have a disability.*

It may end up being that way but I'd hope those who have the power to do so would look at the difficult situation this mother finds herself in and act accordingly.

However, if we all put more pressure on MPs and politicians to ensure sufficient funding for SEND services instead of just stamping our feet and demanding we shouldn't be inconvenienced by people with disabilities, maybe the OP wouldn't be in this current situation.

gogohm · 23/12/2021 16:04

My dd is autistic and a gamer. She's not allowed to play after 11pm for this very reason

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 23/12/2021 16:04

@Eleganz

I think people need to take a look at the relevant legislation as to what constitutes a statuary nuisance. Regular noise at unsociable hours is a statuary nuisance and is not acceptable.

The fact that that noise comes form a teenager with ASD is neither here nor their. Either the occupier has to abate the noise or they can be served with notice and fined or charged for works performed by the council to abate the noise.

The idea that a baby and new mother being keep awake every night is the only reasonable thing to do to show sympathy for people with autism is ridiculous.

@Eleganz, please share with us the names of the many autism charities. I have autism and a handout would be appreciated.

Thanks!