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AIBU?

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Original poster

To Think Having ASD Doesn’t Entitle You to This?

313 replies

WheelieBinPrincess · 23/12/2021 12:42

Just moved into our own flat after many many years of renting/saving. Outskirts of London, zone 5, which explains why we’ve bought a flat and not a house, a flat was what we could afford. But it’s a nice place. Not a new build, for context, but not really old either. 70’s I think. We are on the ground floor. Above us live a single mum and her teenage son.

We’ve only been here three nights but have been kept up until 3am or so by what was quite obviously someone using headphones and shouting into a mouthpiece. DH was a gamer so I knew what was going on. Think ‘NOOOOOO!!!’ And ‘FUCCCCKKKKKKKK’ at random intervals. It’s incredibly loud.

We have a 3 month old baby. Sleep is obviously precious enough as it is, he still wakes 2/3 times in a night to feed.

Anyway, this morning we popped upstairs and the mum answers the door-explained that we just moved in, can hear all the shouting, please can it stop because it’s a very unsociable time of night to be dealing with that level of noise, we have a baby, DH has work etc etc. She was very apologetic and said it was her 15 year old son playing Fortnite, and she went to sleep with ear plugs in but that he wakes her up a lot too.

But then she said there wasn’t much she could do because her son has ASD, it’s his hobby and only way of being sociable as he games with others online, he considers these gamers his friends so he won’t be able to stop doing it. She said in time hopefully we’ll ‘filter out’ the noise. He gets carried away and he doesn’t do it on purpose but she said again about his ASD and repeated that that’s the way he is and there is nothing she can do. Then she said we hope we have a lovely Christmas and closed the door Confused

Now, I know this is Mumsnet and I’ve been here a long time. So, before anyone asks-

No, we can’t ‘move bedrooms’
No, we can’t move
No, we can’t afford a detached house.

But surely we shouldn’t just have to put up with it?! They’re having a laugh right?

OP posts:
crowsfeet57 · 23/12/2021 13:45

He sleeps until 11am after being up apparently so we didn’t see him

Really? I'm sure you can put a stop to that.

Floundery · 23/12/2021 13:47

This reply has been withdrawn

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romdowa · 23/12/2021 13:47

I've asd and adhd and everytime he woke me , I'd be banging on the mother's door and waking her. It is totally unacceptable to be disturbing people by screaming down a head set

Sleepyblueocean · 23/12/2021 13:47

"Did either of you say anything to the parents?"

I didn't know which parents the 4 boys belonged to. I do know they were amongst those not supervising their kids because there were no parents near them. I told them off myself.

laurasecord · 23/12/2021 13:48

This reply has been deleted

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Franklin12 · 23/12/2021 13:48

My husband did say something to the mother but she said he had ADHD as the card stated and he couldnt help himself.

StationaryMagpie · 23/12/2021 13:49

i'm another mum with a teen with ASD who games, LOUDLY (i put earplugs in during the day, omg) and the volume thing is because a lot of people with autism struggle to regulate their volume, especially when wearing a headset.

However, we have very strict boundaries. He doesn't have a console/tv in his bedroom (its in mine) and he isn't allowed on there after 9pm either.

He doesn't sleep well, but he has access to stuff as long as he's quiet.. reading books, videos on his tablet (with restrictions on the internet/site blocking used) and i have the control on my phone to cut him off from it if he disobeys.

There is no way i would tolerate the level of noise he makes gaming during the day, at night time.

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2021 13:50

@Newrunner29

I have a autistic daughter on severe end who will shout and say random words or phases all day and randomly at night i have absolutely no control over stopping her she doesnt understand language and instructions. Im so so relieved we live in detached house. But then what would i do if i couldn't afford a detached house and had to live in flat or attached house? I would like to know its a genuine fear i have with all the other million other fears with having a disabled child
I'm sorry but this has no connection to a teenager shouting FUCK at 3am while he's gaming loudly.
Sleepyblueocean · 23/12/2021 13:51

"Like many children with ASD he is happiest when he knows exactly what the rules and boundaries are, even if the rules have to be very specific. I.e. you can play with your trains at 2am but you are NOT allowed to make steam, diesel or electric train noises."

There are plenty of children with ASD who wouldn't understand any of that.

NdujaWannaDance · 23/12/2021 13:54

I'd be banging on the mother's door and waking her. It is totally unacceptable to be disturbing people by screaming down a head set

Yes. do this. Go up and bang on the door and ask him to be more quiet. And keep doing it.

StationaryMagpie · 23/12/2021 13:55

@laurasecord

My DH and I absolutely detest living next door to a boy with ASD. He makes our life hell with his noise. There's fuck off we can do as mum just says oh he's autistic. What about my mental health? Dh's mental health? We've complained loads of times. Nothing changes.

So basically I think you will get nowhere with this. Being loud isn't acceptable, especially at unsocial hours, ASD or not. Of course you'll get called ablest 😲

unfortunately there are some aspects of the behaviour that are down to the disbality and are hard to handle.. like the daytime noise that DS makes, or when he has a meltdown and is shouting/screaming.

I'm 'lucky' in that my neighbour also has a child with special needs who is just as disruptive/loud and we offer each other moral support if we've heard our kids going off over one thing or another.

Butchyrestingface · 23/12/2021 14:01

I had this for the best part of a year, father and son, for up to 16 hours a day. Goodie. Spent last New Year living to the game-induced screaming at 2:30 am. Fun times. It ended when they moved out.

If your vendors have not formally raised concerns, then approaching the council/mediation services/landlord formally means that YOU will be the one starting a paper trail. You would then presumably need to declare this when selling in future. Not so much an issue if the lad has moved away by then, but if he's still there and still addicted to gaming...

BringMeTea · 23/12/2021 14:08

People are selfish antisocial fuckers. You have my full sympathy. It is the scourge of a generation. Shit parenting 101.

Chocolatewheatos · 23/12/2021 14:12

She allows herself to be woken up through the night because it's easier than arguing with him. She won't care more about your sleep than hers.

But as an autistic, no of course his autism doesn't 1. Make him stay up till 3am shouting at a video game or 2. Entitle him to do so.

Chocolatewheatos · 23/12/2021 14:15

@Sleepyblueocean

"Like many children with ASD he is happiest when he knows exactly what the rules and boundaries are, even if the rules have to be very specific. I.e. you can play with your trains at 2am but you are NOT allowed to make steam, diesel or electric train noises."

There are plenty of children with ASD who wouldn't understand any of that.

If a kid can understand a video game like fortnite they can understand that people sleep at night. Noise wakes people up. You can't wake people up at night. So you can't make noise at night. Autistic or otherwise.
MajorCarolDanvers · 23/12/2021 14:19

Its definitely not ok.

beebopado · 23/12/2021 14:19

@phishy

YANBU. I would start playing Metallica really loudly at a time at a time to inconvenience them.
Laughing at this, I did do it when living in student accommodation and having to listen to bloody wham all night ( showing my age ) Grin On a serious note, I agree with the keeping of a diary and escalation Flowers
MajorCarolDanvers · 23/12/2021 14:21

You could try ringing the doorbell a few times at 3am. If you disturb her as much as he is disturbing you she might start to take action.

Sleepyblueocean · 23/12/2021 14:24

"If a kid can understand a video game like fortnite they can understand that people sleep at night."

Yes that child can. Some other people with autism cannot so people can give it a rest with 'my child can because of my fantastic parenting so they all can' type comments.

I don't think the OP is unreasonable in expecting the neighbour to do more but she could have chosen a less inflammatory thread title that doesn't looks like it is designed to get the bigots out.

x2boys · 23/12/2021 14:29

@laurasecord

My DH and I absolutely detest living next door to a boy with ASD. He makes our life hell with his noise. There's fuck off we can do as mum just says oh he's autistic. What about my mental health? Dh's mental health? We've complained loads of times. Nothing changes.

So basically I think you will get nowhere with this. Being loud isn't acceptable, especially at unsocial hours, ASD or not. Of course you'll get called ablest 😲

Autism is a spectrum ,my child has severe autism and learning disabilities ,I am mindful of neighbours ,but he does shout loudly as it's part of his disability ,he ,s non verbal so part of it is communication .
Branleuse · 23/12/2021 14:30

One of mine is a loud gamer. Hes autistic. My neighbours son is also autistic and a loud gamer. The points she has made about it being the way he socialises are fair but not the hours hes keeping. Why cant she tell him to pack it in cos its late?

DoucheCanoe · 23/12/2021 14:32

@Franklin12 that the lady was the child's Mum? I work with children who have disabilities and/or Autism and if they do anything like this we can't enter into a discussion about the child and are instructed to hand over a card stating that the child has a diagnosis that may make them unpredictable. It's to protect the dignity of the child.

I don't agree with it but it's what we have to do.

x2boys · 23/12/2021 14:32

@thenewduchessoflapland

I wouldn't let a 15 year stay up past 11pm gaming let alone 3am neuro divergent or not.

I have a nearly 13 year with ASD;people comment on how well behaved he is;that's because we parent him and have set rules and boundaries.

Kids with ASD usually thrive on routine and clear boundaries;in this case the issue is the mother not the kid.

The fact she shoves in ear plugs and ignores the situation tells you everything you need to know really.

Well arnt you just marvellous 🙄 You are aware autism is a spectrum ?? And shock horror some people are on the severe end .
DoucheCanoe · 23/12/2021 14:35

And also. As the Mum of an Autistic teen this thread is pretty depressing.

As someone else said, you wouldn't catch people saying they hate living next door to a kid with any other disability or protected characteristic.

Franklin12 · 23/12/2021 14:37

Douche - thank you for explaining. It was a number of years ago. Having said that who thought that was a good idea? What if the person had a knife or did more than punch someone. Is that OK as they have a card to protect their dignity?

I know potentially they cannot help themselves but surely they are a danger if they do these things and having to hand over just a card is completely unacceptable.

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