To Think Having ASD Doesn’t Entitle You to This?

[WheelieBinPrincess]

Just moved into our own flat after many many years of renting/saving. Outskirts of London, zone 5, which explains why we’ve bought a flat and not a house, a flat was what we could afford. But it’s a nice place. Not a new build, for context, but not really old either. 70’s I think. We are on the ground floor. Above us live a single mum and her teenage son.

We’ve only been here three nights but have been kept up until 3am or so by what was quite obviously someone using headphones and shouting into a mouthpiece. DH was a gamer so I knew what was going on. Think ‘NOOOOOO!!!’ And ‘FUCCCCKKKKKKKK’ at random intervals. It’s incredibly loud.

We have a 3 month old baby. Sleep is obviously precious enough as it is, he still wakes 2/3 times in a night to feed.

Anyway, this morning we popped upstairs and the mum answers the door-explained that we just moved in, can hear all the shouting, please can it stop because it’s a very unsociable time of night to be dealing with that level of noise, we have a baby, DH has work etc etc. She was very apologetic and said it was her 15 year old son playing Fortnite, and she went to sleep with ear plugs in but that he wakes her up a lot too.

But then she said there wasn’t much she could do because her son has ASD, it’s his hobby and only way of being sociable as he games with others online, he considers these gamers his friends so he won’t be able to stop doing it. She said in time hopefully we’ll ‘filter out’ the noise. He gets carried away and he doesn’t do it on purpose but she said again about his ASD and repeated that that’s the way he is and there is nothing she can do. Then she said we hope we have a lovely Christmas and closed the door

Now, I know this is Mumsnet and I’ve been here a long time. So, before anyone asks-

No, we can’t ‘move bedrooms’
No, we can’t move
No, we can’t afford a detached house.

But surely we shouldn’t just have to put up with it?! They’re having a laugh right?

@BusBusBus I haven't raised him to scream and shout, he's got ODD, but I refuse to use that as an excuse for his negative behaviour and I pull him up on it straight away and truth be told its actually rare for him to scream and shout, he's much more of the mutter under his breath and bitch about everyone and everything when he thinks I can't hear him.

@Floundery could say the same for every negative behaviour your SEN kid does, it's learnt from somewhere and it's almost always the parents.

If you aren't perfect you don't get to judge me, least my child won't struggle as much as yours to navigate a society and a world that doesn't care about your special needs.

@Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy

It would drive me absolutely insane! My eldest has SEN needs (think ODD over ASD) He gets into a rage in 2 seconds flat over everything and anything BUT I will not tolerate him shouting and swearing past 8pm and he knows it.

The majority (not all) of parents with SEN kids literally do nothing but pander to their kids, letting them get away with everything and use no discipline whatsoever, God help them kids when they grow up and try to navigate a world that doesn't give a damn about their ASD.

I'd be ashamed and embarrassed if my kids were keeping neighbours awake through shouting and swearing and it would be the last time my kids had a console past 7pm

How do you know the majority pander? What a ridiculously sweeping statement for you to make. Most SN parents I know (which is a lot) go above and beyond and try every parenting strategy available!

My ds has odd too, alongside autism and severe adhd and moderate learning disabilities. He’s medicated too, on 3 different kinds of medication. The ‘take no shit’ approach doesn’t work here. Makes him worse. Good that your particular approach works for YOUR family. Because of that though your assuming that it should work for every family right?

And when you say you don’t tolerate it past 8pm and he knows it. What about those children that ‘don’t know it’ ?

@SlashBeef I wonder why you're posts are being deleted

Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy it is obvious from your posts you have no experience of the level of need that some children and adults have.

@Sleepyblueocean

Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy it is obvious from your posts you have no experience of the level of need that some children and adults have.

Completely agree

@Sleepyblueocean

Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy it is obvious from your posts you have no experience of the level of need that some children and adults have.

Agreed. Some people on the spectrum can navigate society with relative ease; others are less able to do so.

@AlfonsoTheUnrepentant
Whilst the neighbour has my sympathy, her behaviour is unacceptable. By all means we should make reasonable allowances for her son’s behavior, but this is outside the bounds of reasonable.
Her son’s behaviour is her responsibility, shrugging her shoulders doesn’t cut it and I would personally be speaking to the landlord if it does not improve. 😡

@Floundery you may have mentioned Jewish and Muslim but the first thing you said was black. And my question was, why do people always mention being black as the first thing when they're trying to prove a point?
As the first thing you said was change the sentence to surely someone shouldn't be able to do X if they were black (I'm paraphrasing), what is the reason you thought of being black as the first thing to say? I always see it on here and think it's rather odd

@Sleepyblueocean

Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy it is obvious from your posts you have no experience of the level of need that some children and adults have.

1000%

How do you know the majority pander? What a ridiculously sweeping statement for you to make. Most SN parents I know (which is a lot) go above and beyond and try every parenting strategy available!

That is my experience too.

Not seeing how the mum can be powerless when the Internet is something you can switch off. Sure she may not want the consequences if she does, but stopping someone gaming is actually one of the easier ones.

@Phineyj

Not seeing how the mum can be powerless when the Internet is something you can switch off. Sure she may not want the consequences if she does, but stopping someone gaming is actually one of the easier ones.

And what do you think will happen when the Internet is cut off?

'oh gosh mummy I shall trot off to bed now. Hurrah "

And no I didn’t like seeing my step-sister leaving her house, but living with us had been the right decision for her.

[quote Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy]@TowandaForever he is a teenager. It's pretty easy to remove his stuff tbh

@Floundery one of my kids literally has ODD, I myself have BPD do you think he should be allowed to do whatever he wants without facing any consequences? On that note should I be allowed to do what I want because of a mental health condition?

Where does the boundary lie?[/quote]
Well that wasn't my experience and my teen asd lashed out at me. I rang social services and they didn't even visit me. No help at all.

@Floundery that's fair enough

@Floundery

Exactly *@AlfonsoTheUnrepentant* - there is a massive failure of moderation around ablist language on MN, especially for autistic people.

The Relationships board is a particularly egregious example. Husband being an arse? Have you considered he might be on the spectrum? It’s like ablist bingo over there.

I agree. It's any kind of annoying behaviour. Were you on the thread where the OP was complaining about her sister? It took about three posts before someone said "that sounds like autism" and then the usual chorus of MN's crack armchair psychologists joined in and the whole thread derailed to discussing the sister's 'autism'. That's just one of many examples.

This turned into a fight quickly. I really enjoyed reading a different thread recently about whether there should be extra distinctions between different levels of needs that are currently all classed as ‘autism’.

On the off-chance that anyone else would be interested, here it is. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4417795-to-think-there-needs-to-be-a-clearer-diagnosis-than-just-autism?msgid=113028486
I think a lot of stress and arguments could I think be avoided if we remember it’s a very large umbrella term right now.

Op there isn’t going to be an easy overnight fix - I would try a sympathetic approach to the mum if you can while being no doubt overwhelmed with a baby yourself, to find out the level of needs and if this single mum is scared of challenging her child. While doing what you can to prepare to leave.

Don’t know why that linked to pg 5 particularly.