To Think Having ASD Doesn’t Entitle You to This?

[WheelieBinPrincess]

Just moved into our own flat after many many years of renting/saving. Outskirts of London, zone 5, which explains why we’ve bought a flat and not a house, a flat was what we could afford. But it’s a nice place. Not a new build, for context, but not really old either. 70’s I think. We are on the ground floor. Above us live a single mum and her teenage son.

We’ve only been here three nights but have been kept up until 3am or so by what was quite obviously someone using headphones and shouting into a mouthpiece. DH was a gamer so I knew what was going on. Think ‘NOOOOOO!!!’ And ‘FUCCCCKKKKKKKK’ at random intervals. It’s incredibly loud.

We have a 3 month old baby. Sleep is obviously precious enough as it is, he still wakes 2/3 times in a night to feed.

Anyway, this morning we popped upstairs and the mum answers the door-explained that we just moved in, can hear all the shouting, please can it stop because it’s a very unsociable time of night to be dealing with that level of noise, we have a baby, DH has work etc etc. She was very apologetic and said it was her 15 year old son playing Fortnite, and she went to sleep with ear plugs in but that he wakes her up a lot too.

But then she said there wasn’t much she could do because her son has ASD, it’s his hobby and only way of being sociable as he games with others online, he considers these gamers his friends so he won’t be able to stop doing it. She said in time hopefully we’ll ‘filter out’ the noise. He gets carried away and he doesn’t do it on purpose but she said again about his ASD and repeated that that’s the way he is and there is nothing she can do. Then she said we hope we have a lovely Christmas and closed the door

Now, I know this is Mumsnet and I’ve been here a long time. So, before anyone asks-

No, we can’t ‘move bedrooms’
No, we can’t move
No, we can’t afford a detached house.

But surely we shouldn’t just have to put up with it?! They’re having a laugh right?

My DS is much younger than 15. He has ASD.

Ultimately, he struggles with some stuff like loud noises, and I one hundred percent accommodate him. However, he also misbehaves in neurotypical ways, such as fighting with his little brother, and I set boundaries - just like I would with any other kid.

The OP’s neighbour’s teenage son doesn’t have severe learning difficulties or co-morbidities. If he did, he wouldn’t be able to game at 3am while shouting “game appropriate” phrases. Like my DS, he is evidently an articulate and capable young man.

As such, he should be able to go to bed before 3am, and not shout and swear audibly in the early hours of the morning either. He can socialise with gamer friends at more sociable times.

I haven't read the full thread but she needs to sound proof his room, surely ?

@Londonwriter

My DS is much younger than 15. He has ASD.

Ultimately, he struggles with some stuff like loud noises, and I one hundred percent accommodate him. However, he also misbehaves in neurotypical ways, such as fighting with his little brother, and I set boundaries - just like I would with any other kid.

The OP’s neighbour’s teenage son doesn’t have severe learning difficulties or co-morbidities. If he did, he wouldn’t be able to game at 3am while shouting “game appropriate” phrases. Like my DS, he is evidently an articulate and capable young man.

As such, he should be able to go to bed before 3am, and not shout and swear audibly in the early hours of the morning either. He can socialise with gamer friends at more sociable times.

Well as the op doesn't know how severe the neighbours son,s autism or wether they have co morbidities ,I'm not sure why you think you know ?

@MNHQ - May I ask why my previous comment was deleted?
I would like to know exactly what particular part of my post was against the rules of your platform?

I hope that one day I can downsize to a home with a shed I can convert for ds to live and game in. If only he was born 30 years earlier before tinternet and then the covid encouraging isolation as a behaviour really hasn't helped many autistic people in adapting to the social 'norms'.

Luckily I own a terraced house and the 2nd home owners next door did expect me to tug my forelock and change everything to suit them. They deprive me of light everyday even though they are hardly here.

So, seems my son's gaming is bearable after all.

As I posted many pages before - hopefully the lad upstairs will have more going on in his life soon and will game less.

My daughter is on the pathway (it’s a very long path to nowhere in this area) with almost certain ASD and ADHD. She is already diagnosed with dyspraxia. There is no way I’d tolerate this- yes she does shout and jump up and down whilst using technology (stimming) but she also responds very well to clear rules and boundaries in place with it. If I let her use it all night she would and would be very agitated and obviously in no fit state for the next day- this boy desperately needs clear structure from his mum in order to get his sleep if nothing else. This isn’t on and she’s using it as an excuse.

@ParsleySageRosemary

This turned into a fight quickly. I really enjoyed reading a different thread recently about whether there should be extra distinctions between different levels of needs that are currently all classed as ‘autism’.

On the off-chance that anyone else would be interested, here it is. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4417795-to-think-there-needs-to-be-a-clearer-diagnosis-than-just-autism?msgid=113028486
I think a lot of stress and arguments could I think be avoided if we remember it’s a very large umbrella term right now.

Op there isn’t going to be an easy overnight fix - I would try a sympathetic approach to the mum if you can while being no doubt overwhelmed with a baby yourself, to find out the level of needs and if this single mum is scared of challenging her child. While doing what you can to prepare to leave.

This is an interesting thread, thank you for linking.

I do think that having different names for different expressions of autism would be helpful.

I know that many autistics don't like the former term Aspergers because of the obvious associations with Hans Asperger, but I still feel it is a useful shorthand to describe one of my DC's profiles.

My son has sn and plays fortnite loudly but we live in a detached house so I know he doesn't bother anyone . What a bloody nightmare ! I guess all you can do is log it and complain to the council and they will do an assesment of wether it's anti social or not !

I live in a mid terrace, and have a teen boy next door who is a very loud (and sore loser) gamer. The first few times, I nearly called the police. Such utterly vile language, and he throws things around too... is bad enough for me to hear it... I feel bad for the people on the other end of his mic.

@HMG107

I can't believe in 2020 I'm reading a thread about a teenage boy staying up late gaming and a mum who doesn't like conflict entitled 'to think ASD doesn't entitle you to this?' . Of course this isn't anything to do with being autistic.

I have a two-year-old - your child is likely to be waking in the night and making lots of noise throughout the day for years to come. They'll also be regular high pitch crying due to separation anxiety, tantrums etc so this young lad is likely to have to put up with a lot from you and your family. I'm autistic and have ADHD and my child is a sensory nightmare.

When you wrote this post you didn't take a few minutes to think about how your post would come across to others (especially those who are autistic) so you aren't always considerate. It's hardly surprising a teenage boy hasn't thought too much about his neighbors who moved in three days ago.

You tried to speak to mum and it didn't get anywhere all you can really do now is try and keep as calm as possible over the next few weeks and see what happens in term time. If you do end up feeling frustrated again don't forget if you have a newborn your neighbors will also be putting up with a lot of anti-social behavior from yourself so its only fair that there's give and take on both sides.

It's likely you'll get a response if you build a relationship with these neighbors rather than being combative.

Bullshit! You can't stop a baby from crying, you can stop a teenager from being too noisy on his game during the night

@x2boys Because the neighbour’s son is playing Fornite in order to socialise with friends online. This requires him to a) understand the game and b) participate in the game with others.

If he can do a) and b), he can also handle concepts such as going to bed earlier than 3am, and the consequences of not doing so…

Yes but Autism can be very complex ,I know loads of children who have a diagnosis due to my own sons diagnosis
My friend's son is in many ways very intelligent and can play Fortnite ,but he is way more complex than my son who also has severe learning disabilities ,they couldn't cope with him in a specialist school that has very high ratings and costs £100,000 ,on a two to one ,he has now been accepted into a very complex needs unit residential whereas as my child despite his own complex needs is fine in a LEA special school for children with autism and severe learning disabilities .

Bigkicks DS’s EHCP isn’t fit for purpose. DS should be having ongoing SALT and OT. And any other therapies he needs. You can ask for an early review or reassessment of needs.

If you need to appeal to get additional support SENDIST can look at social care provision too. The decisions aren’t binding, but if the LA do not follow them they have to write to you and SENDIST explaining why. And depending on specifics you can complain to the LGO or begin JR.