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Original poster

To Think Having ASD Doesn’t Entitle You to This?

313 replies

WheelieBinPrincess · 23/12/2021 12:42

Just moved into our own flat after many many years of renting/saving. Outskirts of London, zone 5, which explains why we’ve bought a flat and not a house, a flat was what we could afford. But it’s a nice place. Not a new build, for context, but not really old either. 70’s I think. We are on the ground floor. Above us live a single mum and her teenage son.

We’ve only been here three nights but have been kept up until 3am or so by what was quite obviously someone using headphones and shouting into a mouthpiece. DH was a gamer so I knew what was going on. Think ‘NOOOOOO!!!’ And ‘FUCCCCKKKKKKKK’ at random intervals. It’s incredibly loud.

We have a 3 month old baby. Sleep is obviously precious enough as it is, he still wakes 2/3 times in a night to feed.

Anyway, this morning we popped upstairs and the mum answers the door-explained that we just moved in, can hear all the shouting, please can it stop because it’s a very unsociable time of night to be dealing with that level of noise, we have a baby, DH has work etc etc. She was very apologetic and said it was her 15 year old son playing Fortnite, and she went to sleep with ear plugs in but that he wakes her up a lot too.

But then she said there wasn’t much she could do because her son has ASD, it’s his hobby and only way of being sociable as he games with others online, he considers these gamers his friends so he won’t be able to stop doing it. She said in time hopefully we’ll ‘filter out’ the noise. He gets carried away and he doesn’t do it on purpose but she said again about his ASD and repeated that that’s the way he is and there is nothing she can do. Then she said we hope we have a lovely Christmas and closed the door Confused

Now, I know this is Mumsnet and I’ve been here a long time. So, before anyone asks-

No, we can’t ‘move bedrooms’
No, we can’t move
No, we can’t afford a detached house.

But surely we shouldn’t just have to put up with it?! They’re having a laugh right?

OP posts:
SpookyScarySkeletons · 23/12/2021 13:00

My eldest is ASD and has ADHD and is also a very loud gamer.

They are told in no uncertain terms to bloody well keep it down post 10pm! Although we are in a detached so it's just me and DH they disturb.

SinoohXaenaHide · 23/12/2021 13:01

Whole family of people with Autism here. Of course that's not acceptable. He can do loud socialising between 8am and 8pm and can keep to quiet activities between 8pm and 8am. Complain to the council. Also, find out whether the previous occupants of your flat have ever complained of the noise. If there has been any kind of dispute with neighbours, this information must be disclosed to the buyers before completion of sale so if this isn't a new issue (which it can't be) you may have a case against your vendors. Contact your solicitor who did the conveyancing to ask about this.

OkThenJustChill · 23/12/2021 13:01

Being petty, I would probably play some lovely baby nursery rhymes as soon as you and your baby are up. I would invest in a bluetooth speaker and put it as high up and near the 15 year old's room as I could. If they complain, then say it is an important part of your baby's morning routine. Tossers.

Skyechasemarshalontheway · 23/12/2021 13:01

An austistic person having a meltdown i could understand. But this seems bonkers surely she should be trying to teach him some good sleep hygiene and boundaries.

My eldest has autism and a severe learning disability he has limited speech and understanding i would be mortified if he woke the neighbours playing at 3am.

ParsleySageRosemary · 23/12/2021 13:02

What a nightmare.

I think that as a society we really need to look again at this idea that ASD means kids diagnosed with it should be allowed to do whatever they want, because ‘it’s wrong that they should need to adjust to the world’. The levels of aggression we’re all expected to tolerate from teens are getting ridiculous anyway.

We all have to live in it, with large population levels, and that means ground rules, compromises and negotiations around different needs. Not being woken up by aggressive swearing at 3 in the morning is not unreasonable. It should be a given.

Trouble is, she will struggle as a single mother with a teen who has no sense of other people’s needs now. Teens are too late imo to start! Does she have any help at all, does he go to a special school and can she ask for help on this point from them? Not all schools offer the same levels of help unfortunately.

Sleepyblueocean · 23/12/2021 13:02

There is some disability related noise you can do nothing about.Teenage Ds was shrieking and growling ( as well as hitting and biting himself) for nearly an hour last night and there is nothing you can do until he comes round from that. I do suspect in the case you are talking about, there is more.

WhatScratch · 23/12/2021 13:02

’Also, find out whether the previous occupants of your flat have ever complained of the noise. If there has been any kind of dispute with neighbours, this information must be disclosed to the buyers before completion of sale so if this isn't a new issue (which it can't be) you may have a case against your vendors. Contact your solicitor who did the conveyancing to ask about this.’

This ^

mrsbitaly · 23/12/2021 13:03

I would see if you can agree on a cut off time as 3am is not acceptable

Vapeyvapevape · 23/12/2021 13:04

Not ok at all . I wonder how he manages to get up for school if he’s up all night.

Chakraleaf · 23/12/2021 13:07

@Grapewrath

My son is ASD and a very loud gamer. I’d be mortified if he kept the neighbours awake. We have a rule that the headset goes off by ten. Yanbu.
Same. 17yr old has to be off mic at 10.30 he can stay on the game but not chatting to people on the mic
Original poster
WheelieBinPrincess · 23/12/2021 13:11

Yeah obviously it’s the Christmas holidays now so I don’t know what goes in in term time. He sleeps until 11am after being up apparently so we didn’t see him. But that’s still a lot of weekends and holidays even if he doesn’t do it on a school night.

I have no idea if there was any noise before. That’s what sucks about buying a place you see once for about twenty minutes, you have no idea about stuff like this. I do know the vendor was a single guy and spent a lot of time away or with his girlfriend so the flat was barely lived in.

It’s awful lying there at night and you’re sort of on edge just waiting for the next noise, we were so excited for our first home!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/12/2021 13:12

@BusBusBus

I am sorry to hear this. It must be so upsetting.

Realistically, you will probably have little impact on changing the behaviour whether or not its acceptable. As it is about his parents capacity to support him and manage the fact he doesnt understand and they look to not have that capacity.

I have an air filter in my room that makes a lot of white noise and it helps me with sleeping through other noises.

They may develop the capacity after a couple of heavy fines.
Floundery · 23/12/2021 13:14

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

RonaldosShirt · 23/12/2021 13:15

It's school holidays at the moment, so hopefully it may not be carrying on so late once schools return. Staying up until 3am and then being at school for 8.30ish , hideous. I think I'd write her a formal letter and keep a record of it - 'further to our conversation on xx date you confirm that the noise is unacceptable but won't take action to stop it. I am requesting again, this time in writing, that you set a deadline of XXpm and ensure that the noise ceases'. Something like that. And then see if that kicks her into action. I appreciate it's is way if socialising, but no one needs to socialise for hours on end through the night, every night.

needmoreshinys · 23/12/2021 13:16

I agree with keeping a diary, but as someone who is going through a noise dispute it takes a while, so keep in mind school holidays, weekends, maybe inset days, because while he may be quieter on the days he has to be in school, it might work in your favour.

As in when he has to, its quiet.

BusBusBus · 23/12/2021 13:16

@WorraLiberty - i cant see heavy fines being issued. Ive been in a similar situation and went through environmental health which had very little impact.

CovidisaThiefofJoyandcandoone · 23/12/2021 13:17

I am sympathetic OP but you made me smile with this

"Now, I know this is Mumsnet and I’ve been here a long time. So, before anyone asks-

No, we can’t ‘move bedrooms’
No, we can’t move
No, we can’t afford a detached house."

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2021 13:17

[quote BusBusBus]@WorraLiberty - i cant see heavy fines being issued. Ive been in a similar situation and went through environmental health which had very little impact.[/quote]
Well fingers crossed for the OP then, I hope she has better luck.

Sleepyblueocean · 23/12/2021 13:17

"I think that as a society we really need to look again at this idea that ASD means kids diagnosed with it should be allowed to do whatever they want, because ‘it’s wrong that they should need to adjust to the world’."

Most parents of children with autism do not think like that. Sure there are some that don't think they should help their child to adapt but there are an equal proportion ( at least) of parents of NT children who don't care what their child does.
Some people with autism will never be able to adapt but they also suffer from NT people not adapting for their needs.

NdujaWannaDance · 23/12/2021 13:20

Tell her that you understand how difficult it is and you feel for her, however none of that is your problem to put up with - it's her problem to solve. She needs to speak to her son and tell him to stop the shouting. If he will not or cannot stop the shouting she needs to unplug the internet after 10.30pm.

Tell her you will give her until after Christmas and if things haven't improved you will have no choice but to go to the management company and ask them to intervene.

If his ASD is severe and it's impossible to make changes to his behaviour then they will either have to move or take steps to soundproof the room where he games. Walls, floors and ceiling.

If they are tenants they risk being evicted. If they are owner occupiers they risk having their lease revoked and losing their property if they do not abide by the terms of the lease.

CovidisaThiefofJoyandcandoone · 23/12/2021 13:21

re "having a case" against the seller, that is not something I as a litigator would recommend to family or friends because

  1. if you think this is stressful it's not half nor quarter of what the stress of funding and fighting litigation would be. We're talking thousands.
  1. the actions you would take to gather evidence for the litigation are not the same as the actions you take to work towards a solution to the problem (in fact they may be the polar opposite and make the mum feel more entrenched).

I know that's easy for me to say but I've been in your position and know what it feels like. The idea of "suing the seller" is something that other people find easy to say but it isn't easy to do.

CovidisaThiefofJoyandcandoone · 23/12/2021 13:22

.... having said that a solicitor's letter might do the trick.

really sorry about this OP.

TheOccupier · 23/12/2021 13:22

YANBU. Sounds like they (or their landlord if they rent) are in breach of their lease. Is there a managing agent for the block?

Franklin12 · 23/12/2021 13:23

What a selfish family. Clearly the Mother isnt planning to do anything about it. Some people just have NO idea what they do to others and I am afraid I agree with a PP who said ADHD, ASD can sometimes be used as an excuse.

My DS was 4 years old and my DH took him swimming. There was another boy swimming at the same time who took a dislike to him and when they were in the changing rooms tried to punch my son. The mother didnt say anything bar giving my husband a card which said he suffered from ADHD. Well that's OK then.

I would make some gentle enquiries with the leaseholder about this.

thenewduchessoflapland · 23/12/2021 13:23

I wouldn't let a 15 year stay up past 11pm gaming let alone 3am neuro divergent or not.

I have a nearly 13 year with ASD;people comment on how well behaved he is;that's because we parent him and have set rules and boundaries.

Kids with ASD usually thrive on routine and clear boundaries;in this case the issue is the mother not the kid.

The fact she shoves in ear plugs and ignores the situation tells you everything you need to know really.