Page 3 | To Think Having ASD Doesn’t Entitle You to This?

WheelieBinPrincess · 2021-12-23T12:42:29+00:00

Just moved into our own flat after many many years of renting/saving. Outskirts of London, zone 5, which explains why we’ve bought a flat and not a house, a flat was what we could afford. But it’s a nice place. Not a new build, for context, but not really old either. 70’s I think. We are on the ground floor. Above us live a single mum and her teenage son. We’ve only been here three nights but have been kept up until 3am or so by what was quite obviously someone using headphones and shouting into a mouthpiece. DH was a gamer so I knew what was going on. Think ‘NOOOOOO!!!’ And ‘FUCCCCKKKKKKKK’ at random intervals. It’s incredibly loud. We have a 3 month old baby. Sleep is obviously precious enough as it is, he still wakes 2/3 times in a night to feed. Anyway, this morning we popped upstairs and the mum answers the door-explained that we just moved in, can hear all the shouting, please can it stop because it’s a very unsociable time of night to be dealing with that level of noise, we have a baby, DH has work etc etc. She was very apologetic and said it was her 15 year old son playing Fortnite, and she went to sleep with ear plugs in but that he wakes her up a lot too. But then she said there wasn’t much she could do because her son has ASD, it’s his hobby and only way of being sociable as he games with others online, he considers these gamers his friends so he won’t be able to stop doing it. She said in time hopefully we’ll ‘filter out’ the noise. He gets carried away and he doesn’t do it on purpose but she said again about his ASD and repeated that that’s the way he is and there is nothing she can do. Then she said we hope we have a lovely Christmas and closed the door [confused] Now, I know this is Mumsnet and I’ve been here a long time. So, before anyone asks- No, we can’t ‘move bedrooms’ No, we can’t move No, we can’t afford a detached house. But surely we shouldn’t just have to put up with it?! They’re having a laugh right?

HMG107 · 23/12/2021 13:23

I can't believe in 2020 I'm reading a thread about a teenage boy staying up late gaming and a mum who doesn't like conflict entitled 'to think ASD doesn't entitle you to this?' . Of course this isn't anything to do with being autistic.

I have a two-year-old - your child is likely to be waking in the night and making lots of noise throughout the day for years to come. They'll also be regular high pitch crying due to separation anxiety, tantrums etc so this young lad is likely to have to put up with a lot from you and your family. I'm autistic and have ADHD and my child is a sensory nightmare.

When you wrote this post you didn't take a few minutes to think about how your post would come across to others (especially those who are autistic) so you aren't always considerate. It's hardly surprising a teenage boy hasn't thought too much about his neighbors who moved in three days ago.

You tried to speak to mum and it didn't get anywhere all you can really do now is try and keep as calm as possible over the next few weeks and see what happens in term time. If you do end up feeling frustrated again don't forget if you have a newborn your neighbors will also be putting up with a lot of anti-social behavior from yourself so its only fair that there's give and take on both sides.

It's likely you'll get a response if you build a relationship with these neighbors rather than being combative.

Fromageetvino · 23/12/2021 13:24

Being purely practical - could you suggest that she looks at the flooring etc in her sons room? For example if it’s wood, any chance of carpet? Or if carpeted can she add a thicker insulating underlay?

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 23/12/2021 13:25

Some people with autism will never be able to adapt but they also suffer from NT people not adapting for their needs.

Hand on heart, that is the first time I have ever seen anyone say this. We autistic people continually get crap from NTs so I appreciate your kindness and understanding and wish more people shared your compassion.

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2021 13:28

@HMG107

I can't believe in 2020 I'm reading a thread about a teenage boy staying up late gaming and a mum who doesn't like conflict entitled 'to think ASD doesn't entitle you to this?' . Of course this isn't anything to do with being autistic.

I have a two-year-old - your child is likely to be waking in the night and making lots of noise throughout the day for years to come. They'll also be regular high pitch crying due to separation anxiety, tantrums etc so this young lad is likely to have to put up with a lot from you and your family. I'm autistic and have ADHD and my child is a sensory nightmare.

When you wrote this post you didn't take a few minutes to think about how your post would come across to others (especially those who are autistic) so you aren't always considerate. It's hardly surprising a teenage boy hasn't thought too much about his neighbors who moved in three days ago.

You tried to speak to mum and it didn't get anywhere all you can really do now is try and keep as calm as possible over the next few weeks and see what happens in term time. If you do end up feeling frustrated again don't forget if you have a newborn your neighbors will also be putting up with a lot of anti-social behavior from yourself so its only fair that there's give and take on both sides.

It's likely you'll get a response if you build a relationship with these neighbors rather than being combative.

That's ridiculous to put a newborn baby's crying in the same category as a teenager shouting and swearing at 3am and you know it

Gaming is a very deliberate act that doesn't have to be done loudly at 3am.

phishy · 23/12/2021 13:30

@HMG107

When you wrote this post you didn't take a few minutes to think about how your post would come across to others (especially those who are autistic) so you aren't always considerate. It's hardly surprising a teenage boy hasn't thought too much about his neighbors who moved in three days ago.

Eh? The neighbour has offered her son's ASD as justification for the noise, so of course OP is going to mention it.

And pp upthread have said their son with ASD is not allowed to speak into mic after 10.30pm and is supportive of OP.

You're expecting OP to be resigned to never getting a full night's sleep again which is not reasonable.

CatJumperTwat · 23/12/2021 13:31

You're not being unreasonable but, sadly, that doesn't mean there's anything to be done. The mother is ineffectual and the council will do sod all (certainly no "heavy fines"). As you can't move, all you can do is invest in as much soundproofing as you can and save up so you CAN move.

Sleepyblueocean · 23/12/2021 13:33

"My DS was 4 years old and my DH took him swimming. There was another boy swimming at the same time who took a dislike to him and when they were in the changing rooms tried to punch my son. The mother didnt say anything bar giving my husband a card which said he suffered from ADHD. Well that's OK then."

When ds was 5 he went to a class (mainstream school) birthday party. He was minding his own business happily flapping. A group of same age children laughed at him and threw things at him. Their parents didn't even notice because they were sitting at the other end of the room chatting and not watching what their kids were doing.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 23/12/2021 13:33

Sorry OP what a nightmare.

I would start recording it every time it happens, if it’s especially bad start logging it with the police, then start to complain to the council.

The only way she will act is if she starts getting official complaints.

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 23/12/2021 13:33

It's a shame baby wakes up at 6.30am and HAS to have loud nursery rhymes blasting from the speakers directed at the flat above on a loop isnt it

Floundery · 23/12/2021 13:35

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phishy · 23/12/2021 13:36

@Sleepyblueocean

"My DS was 4 years old and my DH took him swimming. There was another boy swimming at the same time who took a dislike to him and when they were in the changing rooms tried to punch my son. The mother didnt say anything bar giving my husband a card which said he suffered from ADHD. Well that's OK then."

When ds was 5 he went to a class (mainstream school) birthday party. He was minding his own business happily flapping. A group of same age children laughed at him and threw things at him. Their parents didn't even notice because they were sitting at the other end of the room chatting and not watching what their kids were doing.

Did either of you say anything to the parents?

I don’t know why people can’t say something, even if just politely.

Original poster

WheelieBinPrincess · 23/12/2021 13:36

Er, are you off your rocker, @HG107?

The baby actually doesn’t do a lot of crying (I’m not saying that through a bias new mum thing either)

I appreciate that may change.

When he’s a toddler, I will do what I can to mitigate the noise he makes and set boundaries to limit the impact on my neighbours as any good parent would do.

Am I suppose to just accept I won’t sleep again because of someone else’s child

OP posts:

phishy · 23/12/2021 13:37

@Floundery

I can't believe in 2020 I'm reading a thread about a teenage boy staying up late gaming and a mum who doesn't like conflict entitled 'to think ASD doesn't entitle you to this?' . Of course this isn't anything to do with being autistic

Have to agree with this. I am sympathetic for the OP but the inflammatory and ablist thread title is fucking awful.

Imagine replacing “ASD” with another protected characteristic in that title. OP would rightly be banned. But it’s just autism and we all agree they’re an awful bunch, so she can crack on…

Another one ignoring the fact that OP only mentioned the ASD because the woman offered it as the justification for the noise and said there’s nothing she can do.

Original poster

WheelieBinPrincess · 23/12/2021 13:38

But his mum says the reason is ASD so obviously I was going to mention it!

Is there a disability or disorder that makes it acceptable to game loudly at 3am then?

OP posts:

Clarice99 · 23/12/2021 13:39

I'm autistic and have ADHD and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Who wants to listen to someone shouting and swearing during the early hours of morning?

Autism is not an excuse for anti social behaviour.

I would start keeping a diary of the events and times with a view to reporting the neighbour, to their landlord if they're a tenant, and/or Environmental Services.

oakleaffy · 23/12/2021 13:39

@WheelieBinPrincess
That’s awful.
I just don’t understand why the mother can’t make her son be quieter.
Laziness, most likely.
Autism is used so much these days as an excuse for unreasonable behaviour , and that mother has a real cheek to say you will be able to filter out her hellion swearing and shouting.
Legally can you do something about antisocial noise?

DuchessOfSausage · 23/12/2021 13:40

Keep a record and contact the council.

It will be bothering other residents in the block.

Fundays12 · 23/12/2021 13:40

I have a son with autism and ADHD this is not on at all. Noway would I allow him to game during the night or keep our neighbours awake.

Fromageetvino · 23/12/2021 13:41

Imagine replacing “ASD” with another protected characteristic in that title. OP would rightly be banned.

Imagine changing the excuse to different protected characteristic. For example sorry he is shouting at 3am - that’s usual in our culture”. It still would be unacceptable and the OP would still be right to say so

newtonsthirdlaw · 23/12/2021 13:41

I have an autistic child here who doesn't seem to need much sleep. Fwiw I also live in a semi detached house.
He knows that between the hours of 10pm and 7.30 am he has to pipe down and not wake anyone in this house or the neighbours up. And if he does that means Consequences.
Like many children with ASD he is happiest when he knows exactly what the rules and boundaries are, even if the rules have to be very specific. I.e. you can play with your trains at 2am but you are NOT allowed to make steam, diesel or electric train noises.

As with all things in life its a 2 way thing and being antisocial and annoying the neighbours at 3am gaming is never acceptable, ASD or not.

Newrunner29 · 23/12/2021 13:42

I have a autistic daughter on severe end who will shout and say random words or phases all day and randomly at night i have absolutely no control over stopping her she doesnt understand language and instructions. Im so so relieved we live in detached house. But then what would i do if i couldn't afford a detached house and had to live in flat or attached house? I would like to know its a genuine fear i have with all the other million other fears with having a disabled child

lesenfantsdelesperance · 23/12/2021 13:43

No, you should not have to put up with this. It's annoying. You've been round and asked at a reasonable time, given that you are up, why don't you go round and complain when it is happening? It might help to concentrate the mum's mind of the reality of the problem.

duvetdayforeveryone · 23/12/2021 13:44

The mum needs to get the Autism team social worker to make an application for a disabled facilities grant to soundproof her son's room.

Floundery · 23/12/2021 13:44

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MrsMurdstone · 23/12/2021 13:45

They are probably violating their lease (I assume it's a leasehold property) so you should ask the management company to take action.

They may want you to go via the Council so they have hard evidence.

When it's time to sell you say there was a problem XX years ago when you moved in and it's now been resolved.