Why men always quickly bring out their wife or girlfriend in a non personal conversation

[SophieHasOneQuestion]

Not every time but enough for me to ask the question.

I never bring up my boyfriend up in a conversation with almost strangers. Especially the conversation is not personal at all, why?

I was not flirtatious (wearing an oversize black coat and no makeup.) - in case someone asks.

@lottiegarbanzo

I actually used to think the opposite. That men avoid mentioning partners. So maybe it just goes to show that you can't generalise.

I rather think the opposite. 'Used to' sums it up nicely.

'Want her to consider me an option? Don't mention the girlfriend.
Want to signal that I'm not interested in her that way? Mention the wife.'

I'm not saying they'd ever make a move @Orreries Just that attraction is a broader quality in the formation of relationships, of all sorts, than we often acknowledge.

But I suppose I’d see ‘attraction’ in its widest sense as the basis for all friendships, whether same- or opposite-sex. It always comes to my mind when I see those regular threads from posters who say they’re lonely: ‘But I’m nice to everyone! Why can’t I make friends?’ Because ‘nice’ isn’t enough — what starts any relationship, friendship or romantic, is a desire to see more of the person, to feel your life is more interesting because they’re in it.

I’ll tell you one other reason for girlfriend or spouse mentions that occurs to me, though — the kind of men who don’t really have anything else going on in their life, who adopt their girlfriend/wife’s friends, hobbies, habits and if they’re not currently in a relationship, go into sort of hibernation, with no external ‘input’.

Yes, what you say about attraction is true Orreries I suppose I'm talking about physical attraction being more important than we're sometimes comfortable acknowledging, or even notice, as part of friendships.

I do this (female and bring up dp), it's is a clear, please don't harass me tactic.

I say this as someone who every male colleague used to hit on me until I started doing this and. It wearing makeup. It used to really upset and intimidate me when I was younger

Obviously there will be a wide range of reasons for those who do this from it just feeling natural in the moment to them even if not to others, to attemping to put others at ease (see, someone married me, I can't be all bad), to trying to put up a barrier to any perceived interest, among others. I wouldn't assume it had much to do with me and all to do with them.

I've not really had this with partners, but I have seen it with kids and I think all the above also applies there. I don't tend to do that (I've had people say how weird it is that they've known me months before finding out I'm married or have kids), but I have done it at times for all the reasons above and it was me and little to do with other people.

Like recently, I was new in an online group and someone was discussing how much they liked their job and ended with 'I hope this isn't boring you' and I honestly said it hadn't, but I was also helping my youngest child -- 100% true, felt a natural thing to say, but I was also trying to put them at ease and start an expectation of how quickly I'll be responding to things. We briefly discussed kids and then thankfully moved on. Not sure if it felt forced to the other person, but that's how it went.

It's the shoehorning of the fact into the first 30 seconds of a conversation. It's not something coming up naturally in the course of a longish chat.

@TheCatsKilledTheGonks has this EXACTLY right. It is so insulting - this isn't just someone mentioning their wife in everyday conversation, because their wife is a big part of their life. This is a misogynistic assertion, based on the man's perception that the only reason for a woman to have a conversation with a man must be sexual, completely undermining the woman's professional capacity.
And yes, these men are often the most socially clumsy, but still presume that EVERY SINGLE woman must be dying to jump their bones.

EXACTLY that @Ruthietuthie You're trying to have an ordinary conversation about work, a hobby, joint interests and acquaintances, or to perform a bit of 'making everybody feel included and at ease' small talk and the bloke responds with 'but I don't want you to be my girlfriend'. WTAF???

I recently had to exchange numbers with a colleague for work reasons. He typed mine into his phone as my name + my husbands (he asked my husbands name so he could type it in!) I guessed I was supposed to reciprocate so I typed his as him + wife (who's name I clearly know as he drops her into conversation pretty often!) Was weird. I'm not flirty & hes not hot.

Meanwhile, all the men talking to men are having productive conversations. It's classic sexism of the 'what's this woman doing in my workplace' variety. Ordinary, insidious, time-wasting and subtly, iteratively, stymieing progression.

I am pleased to say it hasn't happened to me much at work. I've generally worked in very mixed environments with socially competent, decent people who just assume / act as if everybody is attached.

I have encountered it in other settings though and can fully believe those, less socially competent men, more fearful of women, do it at work too.

[quote Ruthietuthie]@TheCatsKilledTheGonks has this EXACTLY right. It is so insulting - this isn't just someone mentioning their wife in everyday conversation, because their wife is a big part of their life. This is a misogynistic assertion, based on the man's perception that the only reason for a woman to have a conversation with a man must be sexual, completely undermining the woman's professional capacity.
And yes, these men are often the most socially clumsy, but still presume that EVERY SINGLE woman must be dying to jump their bones.[/quote]
No it’s the exact opposite. I know you’re not interested, but I also know you might feel a bit on edge as I might be trying to chat you up. This says “relax I’m not”, it doesn’t assume everyone fancies me at all.

Why would your assumption about a woman at work, doing her job not be 'this is a woman at work, doing her job'?

And come to that, a woman doing her hobby, or making dutiful small talk at a social event.

Why would you be introducing the idea of attraction and personal relationships into inappropriate settings?

An obvious question is, do you do it habitually in conversation with men you don't know well, too?

Because a significant minority of them will be gay and not know if you are or not.

So a man thinking about the social ease of their interlocuter would habitually do this with men too.

Whereas a man who is thinking only about his attraction, or otherwise, towards the woman he is talking to; who cannot help himself from expressing this out loud in his choice to mention his partner or not, will do this only to women (those he does not want to sleep with).

I am somewhat… scatterbrained. Not in the least bit stupid, but my mind works in quite a free-flowing random way. Professionally, I’m good at seeing patterns in things, joining dots, coming up with creative ideas etc.

I certainly bring my personal life into my work life. I don’t see them as separate. I mention my family, my parents, my partner, my background, my childhood a lot. I explain things through stories and those stories inevitably build around the important people in my life.

So if a man mentions his wife when he’s talking to me, I don’t necessarily think he’s being sexist, or manipulative, or hitting on me, or deliberately not hitting on me, or he fancies me or he fancies himself. Sometimes, he’s just mentioning his wife. There doesn’t have to be some great conspiracy behind it.

I find the idea that there are work conversations and personal conversations bizarre. Maybe that’s just in the environment I work in, but my working life is hugely enriched by being informed by my life outside.

If you read pps' posts, you'll see it's not about the mentioning in the course of conversation, it's about the shoehorning, very early, as a total non-sequitur.

Most of us have many happy, ordinary conversations at work too. And, like you, many of us are rather good at spotting patterns in things... including others' behaviours.

I don't see it the way you do. I normally mention Dh quickly. Probably because ....ummm, I don't know why. subconsciously I'm proud I've even got one? And because He's a big part of my life and affects most things I do. Most people I know also quickly mention it in a conversation.

I suspect this is a case of different experiences, as much or more than different perceptions of the same thing.

The thing the OP is talking about doesn't happen often to me but when it does, it's very obvious and very socially awkward.

@lottiegarbanzo

If you read pps' posts, you'll see it's not about the mentioning in the course of conversation, it's about the shoehorning, very early, as a total non-sequitur.

Yes, except some of the examples given are then perfectly reasonable and ordinary.

I don’t think “I’ve just moved to the city with my wife” is the arrogant/sexist/presumptious/flirty statement some people here seem to think it is.

And, to be clear, I’m sure men sometimes do this for all of the reasons stated, but not, as this thread suggests, at every opportunity because, as at least one poster suggested, they are all convinced every woman wants to shag them.

I suppose I think it's more about them (the men who do this) thinking about each woman they meet in terms of whether they want to shag her. And thinking it's relevant and appropriate to express this out loud.

Anyway, I've said a lot here already, so am going to go and do something else now, rather than keep popping back every five minutes!

Whenever this has happened with me I've assumed it's to ensure the interaction is platonic from the start

I sometimes think that this is a habit that some men have got into. They’re pleased to have a wife / girlfriend so they mention them a lot. This just carries on and they haven’t realised that telling the woman who does your conveyancing (or any other job) that you have a girlfriend is a weird thing to do.

Having said that, one of the things that made me the most uncomfortable was being glared at by some man who was with his girlfriend on the tube. I was early to mid twenties, sitting by myself and he kept making a fuss of her then GLARING at me. It wasn’t subtle. Now I am firmly middle aged, I would probably ask him what the matter is - but of course he wouldn’t feel the need to make such a point with a middle aged woman.