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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why men always quickly bring out their wife or girlfriend in a non personal conversation

224 replies

SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 15:08

Not every time but enough for me to ask the question.

I never bring up my boyfriend up in a conversation with almost strangers. Especially the conversation is not personal at all, why?

I was not flirtatious (wearing an oversize black coat and no makeup.) - in case someone asks.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/12/2021 15:48

I appreciate the friendly/considering element, but can men and women just have a pleasant conversation that has nothing to do with "I am hitting on you", this apply to both sides.

It depends on how sensitive they are towards how women are often treated by men.

Some men also cross the road if they're walking behind women in the dark, to reassure them they have nothing to worry about.

givethatbabyaname · 22/12/2021 15:49

Was it very pointed, this reference by the artist to his wife?

I don’t think I’d notice otherwise, really. People talk about all sorts of things, and people are different. If he wants to bring up his wife, I wouldn’t think anything of it unless it was pointedly “ahem, I have a wife, so back off lady”.

Also, if I definitely hadn’t been giving off those vibes (and I haven’t for years, last time I did was with DH!) I think I’d just find the man a bit odd. Insecure maybe, or full of himself. I wouldn’t take offence, seeing as I hadn’t been giving off those vibes. All in his head, nothing to do with me 🤷‍♀️

Pinkchocolate · 22/12/2021 15:53

I’ve noticed this too. Old friends I haven’t seen in ages mentioning their wife within five seconds of casual chit chat. I always wear my wedding ring and aren’t remotely flirtatious so find it odd. A male friend who does this said it’s because his wife is insecure so he can’t be accused of flirting. This is one of those cases where it’s about them not you OP.

thecatsthecats · 22/12/2021 15:53

My friend insists that she doesn't flirt, but there's a disconnect between the message she sends and the one men get, IMO. She is no more or less attractive than other women in the friend group, but she has a certain manner of engaging with others that is attractive, whether she's consciously flirting or not.

Which is not to say that men haven't been pushy twats about it, or can behave how they like in response. But the fact is that what she defines as non flirty behaviour very much comes across that way.

And of course men and women can be friends - but having nice clear boundaries is something that helps friendships develop. So you can continue to be friendly in spite of them helpfully defining that it isn't a dating opportunity.

DeepaBeesKit · 22/12/2021 15:53

I don't think I've noticed this as a gendered thing. Some people of either sex are more likely to reference their partner or children in an impersonal conversation, others aren't.

This. I'm a very open person, probably an oversharer. My family are everything to me, I probably talk about them far more than you do OP.

happychristmasbum · 22/12/2021 15:55

No, this doesn't happen to me.

quietinhere · 22/12/2021 15:58

Yes, I get this a lot since becoming single. It's only been a few months but I've definitely noticed it. Like joining a walking group and the walk leader referenced his wife completely unnecessarily within the first two sentences. This also happened similarly with another walking group, although his wife was present at that one. Also happened meeting a personal trainer who referenced his wife during our initial talk, even though the talk was about exercise and diet. And a man at a new exercise group who I asked if he could help me with the equipment also did the same - referenced his wife - within literally 1 minute of talking about the bloody exercise!

I put it down to the fact that I must look like some sort of predator and they're warning me that they're already taken Grin

I am happily single. Yet maybe some men pick up on and misinterpret that vibe?

Original poster
SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 15:58

@Pinkchocolate

I’ve noticed this too. Old friends I haven’t seen in ages mentioning their wife within five seconds of casual chit chat. I always wear my wedding ring and aren’t remotely flirtatious so find it odd. A male friend who does this said it’s because his wife is insecure so he can’t be accused of flirting. This is one of those cases where it’s about them not you OP.
Exactly, they mention their wife/gf at the very beginning of a conversation, it is almost like "Hi, oohh...my wife".

This is odd.

OP posts:
BurbageBrook · 22/12/2021 15:58

It’s a nice way of setting boundaries and making it clear you’re being friendly. I did it on a night out recently when I got chatting to a nice, genuinely friendly older bloke about our pets. I mentioned my DP so that I could then relax knowing I wasn’t accidentally flirting or giving off single signals! I think it’s a nice sign of loyalty to your relationship and it doesn’t hurt anyone else. If anything is prevents any awkward conversations.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 22/12/2021 15:59

Just because you mention your bf to ward off potential suitors, doesn't mean that other people don't do it just because.
I have seen men criticised on here for not mentioning they are attached.

Probably because men are seen as predators and they think it makes them appear less predatory

Could be some truth in this too.

Roselilly36 · 22/12/2021 15:59

Yes strange I agree, a boss I had once would always without fail mention his GF when he was speaking to new member of female staff, it used to really make me smile, we used to take bets on when he would say it, if we had a new starter! He thought he was so divine 😂 what woman wouldn’t fancy him! LOL.

OnGoldenPond · 22/12/2021 16:01

Men think any woman who strikes up a conversation with them is hitting on them.

Egos the size of a planet, all of them.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 22/12/2021 16:02

I appreciate the friendly/considering element, but can men and women just have a pleasant conversation that has nothing to do with I am hitting on you, this apply to both sides

Not going by other threads on here. Men are always after a shag or sniffing around for a mistress, according to many posters.

OakPine · 22/12/2021 16:02

They think they are irresistible and you won't be able to keep your hands off them unless they tell you they are married.

I get this at work a lot. Male environment. I am absolutely not flirting. I am working.

It always makes me laugh internally! Conceited bastards. Usually it's some guy I wouldn't look once at if I was single.

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2021 16:03

@OnGoldenPond

Men think any woman who strikes up a conversation with them is hitting on them.

Egos the size of a planet, all of them.

Every single one? 🙄
Gargellen · 22/12/2021 16:06

@Mybalconyiscracking

Because they think they are irresistible and don’t want you to have your heart broken by realising too late that they are already spoken for.
This.

An awful lot of men have ten bob each way on themselves.

Original poster
SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 16:06

@BurbageBrook

It’s a nice way of setting boundaries and making it clear you’re being friendly. I did it on a night out recently when I got chatting to a nice, genuinely friendly older bloke about our pets. I mentioned my DP so that I could then relax knowing I wasn’t accidentally flirting or giving off single signals! I think it’s a nice sign of loyalty to your relationship and it doesn’t hurt anyone else. If anything is prevents any awkward conversations.
Thank you for your reply. The thing is that I do think if done too obviously, it could "hurt" another person in the conversation as this person can be totally uninterested. That's why I rarely drop my boyfriend in a conversation unless the guy is very forward and flirty, then I set a boundary.
OP posts:
kokokokokokokokoko · 22/12/2021 16:07

i find this annoying too OP! Unnecessary. I read that men are more likely to think that a friendly woman is flirting than vice versa. So it's usually about their egos! Basically many of them think you are flirting because you are being friendly.

OnGoldenPond · 22/12/2021 16:07

@WorraLiberty

Most definitely! Grin

mindutopia · 22/12/2021 16:07

What sort of conversation was it? Are we talking, you mentioned going to paint a particular beach, and he said, 'Oh, I love it there, my wife and I went last summer' Or are you asking about a particular brand of paint and he said, 'I hardly ever use that one. I really prefer ex. You do know I have a wife, right?'

The first one is totally normal. The second one is a bit more odd and sounds like he's trying to put you off.

EmpressCixi · 22/12/2021 16:08

My DH does this too as he is a friendly and sociable person with friends of both sexes. He isn’t flirting, but he likes to have a laugh with colleagues and clients. He usually works in a way to mention me and how happy he is and he does it because he doesn’t want women in his age range to think he is being friendly with flirty intentions.

For younger women, he will work in a way to mention our adult daughter and make joke about how it’s like working with your dad. He thinks men who chase younger women are disgusting perverts, but he knows some men do and younger women have to worry about this. So he’s just trying to put them at ease to reassure them he’s not like that. That he’s safe.

EmpressCixi · 22/12/2021 16:11

OP
I don’t understand what you mean by this:
The thing is that I do think if done too obviously, it could "hurt" another person in the conversation as this person can be totally uninterested.

A man usually does this to signal that he is totally uninterested and to put a woman at ease that he’s not some pervy guy skirt chasing. If you’re also totally uninterested, then where is the harm? You’re both in complete agreement of totally uninterested. Surely that means boundaries are nice and defined and you two can converse in comfort?

Judith0000 · 22/12/2021 16:11

I have noticed that some men refer to their wives a lot.
Walking my dog, I come across another dog walker quite often, and we always exchange pleasantries. He always mentions his wife.

Me: Good morning. Chilly today.

Man: Yes, very chilly. I should have listened to my wife and worn a scarf.

Me: I'm looking forward to getting back indoors.

Man: My wife will have the kettle on as soon as I get indoors.

Me: That's nice. Cheerio.

I have overheard him talking about his wife to other people too, other men as well.
I assume his wife is just a large part of his life and he always has her on his mind.

I find men that do this tend to be lacking in confidence or conversational skills more than anything, but that might just be my experience.

BlusteryLake · 22/12/2021 16:11

Men do this in professional settings because having a wife/partner makes them appear more established in life and by extension, their work. They also appear more rounded and socially successful.

Original poster
SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 16:12

@kokokokokokokokoko

i find this annoying too OP! Unnecessary. I read that men are more likely to think that a friendly woman is flirting than vice versa. So it's usually about their egos! Basically many of them think you are flirting because you are being friendly.
"I read that men are more likely to think that a friendly woman is flirting than vice versa. "
OP posts: