Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why men always quickly bring out their wife or girlfriend in a non personal conversation

224 replies

SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 15:08

Not every time but enough for me to ask the question.

I never bring up my boyfriend up in a conversation with almost strangers. Especially the conversation is not personal at all, why?

I was not flirtatious (wearing an oversize black coat and no makeup.) - in case someone asks.

OP posts:
irene88 · 22/12/2021 17:34

I'm one to mention my partner a lot, but I mostly do it because something in the conversation makes me think of him (e.g he also likes that movie), or because we're discussing something I've recently discussed with him (e.g. we work in the same industry).

I never noticed men to bring their partners up more than women do, but when they do I always see it as a sign of pride in their partner, for example I had a co-worker who mentioned his wife quite a lot and I could tell he adored her and thought she was great (she did sound pretty great!).

Only in one occasion a man has brought up a new gf (I thought he was single) in a way that I thought a bit abrupt. I wouldn't say I was flirting with him, but I was single at the time and thought he was cute etc, so many he wanted to make it clear he had no romantic interest in me just in case.

GirlOfTudor · 22/12/2021 17:35

Find it funny that you had to mention that you weren't flirting because you were wearing an oversized coat and no make-up 😂 you couldn't possibly flirt without wearing make-up and a more fitting coat? 😂

As for the question... Perhaps the men just really love their gf/wife and WANT to talk about her? Why is that weird?

Original poster
SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 17:39

@GirlOfTudor

Find it funny that you had to mention that you weren't flirting because you were wearing an oversized coat and no make-up 😂 you couldn't possibly flirt without wearing make-up and a more fitting coat? 😂

As for the question... Perhaps the men just really love their gf/wife and WANT to talk about her? Why is that weird?

While I don't want to mention but can see questions like "what were you wearing at the time?' "were your flirty op'? coming.

Why it is weird? Maybe it is, maybe it is not. The who thread is open to discuss it.

OP posts:
colourfulpuddles · 22/12/2021 17:39

My husband does it at the start of every conversation with a new woman. He weaves it in naturally though.

He does it to set a boundary and make it clear he isn’t interested regardless of whether or not you are. It’s just a matter of respect.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 22/12/2021 17:43

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Friendly, not flirting. It's a way of saying 'I'm not hitting on you' without saying it.
This would be my take on it.
OGenkiDesuKa · 22/12/2021 17:43

Maybe it’s just innocent? I mention my husband a lot to everyone because we do most things together so it’s usually just part of the conversation.

BoudecaBains · 22/12/2021 17:45

@BlusteryLake

Men do this in professional settings because having a wife/partner makes them appear more established in life and by extension, their work. They also appear more rounded and socially successful.
Back in the day maybe but nobody gives a monkeys these days what your domestic arrangements are.
Original poster
SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 17:49

@OGenkiDesuKa

Maybe it’s just innocent? I mention my husband a lot to everyone because we do most things together so it’s usually just part of the conversation.
Yes, it is definitely not harmful, the guy I talked to today is a lovely person. It is more curious/self critical as I ask "did I do anything wrong to make the person have to mention the wife in the first minute of our conversation?". As said before, personally, I won't mention my boyfriend unless the other person came up very strong.
OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 22/12/2021 17:51

Naturally arising in conversation is one thing. It's the abrupt, incongruous insertion, especially early in a conversation, like marking territory, that's so weird.

MorningStarling · 22/12/2021 17:52

They're just setting the boundaries, making it clear from the outset that they're not remotely interested in you as a potential partner.

Men start from the assumption that the person they are speaking with is available, the whole point of a conversation is to ascertain whether it's worth pursuing. Unless specified otherwise, the assumption is that the conversation will lead to something.

Women usually start from the assumption that a conversation is just that, that being friendly is just that, and unless they make it clear they are looking for a partner then they're not.

It's just a straightforward difference between how people of either sex typically view things, neither is right or wrong. These men are just doing you a favour by allowing you to walk away if your intention is different to their own, without you wasting your time.

5128gap · 22/12/2021 17:55

@colourfulpuddles

My husband does it at the start of every conversation with a new woman. He weaves it in naturally though.

He does it to set a boundary and make it clear he isn’t interested regardless of whether or not you are. It’s just a matter of respect.

Your H thinks he needs to establish boundaries with every new woman he meets out of respect for them? He must be outstandingly attractive to find that necessary.
Original poster
SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 17:56

@MorningStarling

They're just setting the boundaries, making it clear from the outset that they're not remotely interested in you as a potential partner.

Men start from the assumption that the person they are speaking with is available, the whole point of a conversation is to ascertain whether it's worth pursuing. Unless specified otherwise, the assumption is that the conversation will lead to something.

Women usually start from the assumption that a conversation is just that, that being friendly is just that, and unless they make it clear they are looking for a partner then they're not.

It's just a straightforward difference between how people of either sex typically view things, neither is right or wrong. These men are just doing you a favour by allowing you to walk away if your intention is different to their own, without you wasting your time.

Thank you, this really helps. Yes, there is no right or wrong, we are just different. And it is ok to be different, we just need to see from the other side's perspective.
OP posts:
colourfulpuddles · 22/12/2021 17:58

@5128gap No, out of respect for me.

Firesidefox · 22/12/2021 17:59

YABU. I haven't noticed men doing this. Do you flirt with them?

TalbotAMan · 22/12/2021 18:00

Not voting but it is for some combination (depending on the circumstances) of two reasons:

1 To say the reason I want to talk to you is not because I am trying to get off with you and/or

2 I'm already taken and not interested should you try to make a move,

Simples

SecondClassmyass · 22/12/2021 18:01

No, but I had a few conveniently forgetting to mention their girlfriends/fiancées/wives.

Bollocks2Covid · 22/12/2021 18:07

@colourfulpuddles

My husband does it at the start of every conversation with a new woman. He weaves it in naturally though.

He does it to set a boundary and make it clear he isn’t interested regardless of whether or not you are. It’s just a matter of respect.

How do you know he does this? You can’t possibly see every single conversation he has with another woman?

To be honest I’d think any man who did this was a bit of a melt!

limitedperiodonly · 22/12/2021 18:19

It's a double whammy for me because not only am I a woman but I do a job where people often say: "Whoa! I'd better not say anything in front of you!"

But I've turned it into a positive thing because not only am I not interested in shagging most men I meet there is little chance that anyone who brings up his wife as a human hostage against my sexual predation will have anything else remotely interesting about his life. Neither will his wife judging by the defensive replies.

LuaDipa · 22/12/2021 18:21

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Friendly, not flirting. It's a way of saying 'I'm not hitting on you' without saying it.
Agree with this.
user7473769969 · 22/12/2021 18:27

Why can’t they? You talk about yourself and they talk about themselves. I think the issue here is more about why you are so bothered that they have partners and want to talk about them in a conversation with you. Do you hate not being the centre of attention?

user1471538283 · 22/12/2021 18:28

Yes I've had this at work! As if were it not for them having a wife or gf I'd be all over them. I think some men only feel defined by a woman. I rarely mention my personal life unless someone asks.

pictish · 22/12/2021 18:33

@colourfulpuddles

My husband does it at the start of every conversation with a new woman. He weaves it in naturally though.

He does it to set a boundary and make it clear he isn’t interested regardless of whether or not you are. It’s just a matter of respect.

How would you know? Sounds a bit like wishful thinking to me.
Stravaig · 22/12/2021 18:39

He fancies you, can't acknowledge it to himself or to you; so he projects it into you fancying him, then he tries to let you down gently. Especially if he's English.

KeepApart · 22/12/2021 18:39

I think it depends, some men I think are genuinely just besotted with their wives.

Some probably do it to let you know they aren't hitting on you. Sometimes it probably just flows in conversation

I find the opposite problem, have worked with some men who I would genuinely not know they were married if it weren't for their phone screen or something, down to going on holiday with 'friends'. Because I am obviously gagging for it, and finding out they are married might put me off (not the fact they are 55, balding with a significant beer belly Hmm) either that or I might think they are less cool if they are married. I'm not sure

gogohm · 22/12/2021 18:41

I've found it's the other way around