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Original poster

Why men always quickly bring out their wife or girlfriend in a non personal conversation

224 replies

SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 15:08

Not every time but enough for me to ask the question.

I never bring up my boyfriend up in a conversation with almost strangers. Especially the conversation is not personal at all, why?

I was not flirtatious (wearing an oversize black coat and no makeup.) - in case someone asks.

OP posts:
SommerTen · 22/12/2021 22:42

This happens to me a lot when I'm in a conversation with a man, for example at work, they will often randomly mention their wife or girlfriend.

I'm single and yes, it's usually men I find attractive who do this.
I don't think I flirt with them but maybe in a subconscious way I do?? Who knows.

At least it shows they're the faithful type, not like the married men who ask me out (don't worry I turn them down).

limitedperiodonly · 22/12/2021 22:45

@TerraNovaTwo

It's how they assert their manliness; to show they are wanted, adored and a provider. Nothing to do with anything else. Good for you you're taken, mate. 😂
Grin
randomchap · 22/12/2021 22:48

There's a couple of reasons I used to mention my wife in social situations when she wasn't there. Firstly she was an interesting person and worth mentioning, we also did loads of things together, so saying we rather than I made more sense.

It's also a not so subtle way of saying I'm not hitting on you and to show that my interest in you in purely platonic. I wouldn't want a woman to feel uncomfortable because she thought I was coming on to her.

I had no idea that some people would see this as boasting about being married, or assuming that all women would fancy me.

Bellex · 22/12/2021 22:51

If I talk to someone regularly and we discuss weekends plans or have small talk I find it odd that a serious partner doesn’t some up. I actually brought this up with a guy I’ve worked with for over a year, we’re pretty chatty with each other and talked about a lot of things like uni, families, holidays, plans when we’re off and had discussions about all sorts recently. I mentioned I find it odd when you’re really friendly with someone at work and they initially don’t mentioned their partner. At this point I’d assumed his was single as he lives in a shared house with 6 roommates (two of which have spoken to me via his headset) and never mentioned a gf. He’s reaction to that statement said it all and he went really weird and keep trying to find reasons, spoke to someone else we work with and his has a gf of 5 years and went he goes home to Leeds it to see her 😂😂. He’s mentioned his trips back home to Leeds but somehow missed her out.

I’ve worked with men that have initially hid it which has then be awkward when another men has mentioned them infront of me in conversation as I feel the need to hide the fact they’ve lied.

I’m a pretty friendly person and until recently people I worked with have only heard my voice. Majority have told me about their gfs/wives as part of the conversation, one was weird but he met her at work so I assumed it’s why he dropped it in the way he did. Since I’ve put my picture up on Skype I’ve had a very different reaction for men which makes me feel uncomfortable if I'm honest. One consultant at work I’ve been helping as part of my job and he’s told everyone at his company I only help him because I fancy him. I’m dreading working with him in the new year as I can’t be bothered with the drama and the poor assumptions others will make of this.

ThatWasThat · 22/12/2021 22:51

I think it's social inadequacy on the part of the men, and if not, it probably means they have a twinge of fancying you (rather than thinking you fancy them)

limitedperiodonly · 22/12/2021 23:00

If only there was a subtle way for irresistible men to signal to desperate women that they were off bounds. Perhaps a brand on the forehead saying TAKEN. Though that would put me in mind of Liam Neeson in Schindler's List. Such a mensch and I'm a sucker for black and white films.

TheCatsKilledTheGonks · 23/12/2021 01:55

@OnGoldenPond

Men think any woman who strikes up a conversation with them is hitting on them.

Egos the size of a planet, all of them.

This. So tiredsome. 🥱
ClareBlue · 23/12/2021 02:04

And it's an issue why?

ClareBlue · 23/12/2021 02:12

Why is mentioning your wife a kind of sexual boundary thing. Maybe they just like being married and enjoy telling people about it.

TheCatsKilledTheGonks · 23/12/2021 02:14

@ClareBlue

And it's an issue why?
Because it's kind of insulting. You are just speaking conversationally, totally normally to a person about the relevant topic to the social context and they suddenly make a comment about their spouse/ partner that is very forced into the conversation and totally unrelated, and it's very clear they are doing that because they think you might be hitting on them just because you spoke to them. 🙄 It makes me feel very uncomfortable and start thinking "did they think I was trying to hit on them?!" even when I know I wasn't and I'd just met them 2 minutes ago.

It stilts conversation, makes things very awkward for no reason, and is also quite misogynistic and sexist because the implication is that there is no reason for a woman and a man to speak unless some sexual motive may be involved.

If somebody is flirting I absolutely understand the need to shut it down like that if you are not single - that is honourable. But the implied idea that any woman who speaks to a man is probably interested in him sexually is sooooo arrogant and offensive, and that is the assumption conveyed by this behaviour. It's so offensive, when you are just making polite conversation to effectively be "warned off" from something you had absolutely no intention of doing and might well be revolted at the idea of!

TheCatsKilledTheGonks · 23/12/2021 02:16

@ClareBlue

Why is mentioning your wife a kind of sexual boundary thing. Maybe they just like being married and enjoy telling people about it.
When it's totally irrelevant to the social context or conversation and forced into it in a way that implies the man thinks that a woman speaking to him must mean she is trying to seduce him. 🙄
ClareBlue · 23/12/2021 02:18

Well the OP wasn't after 2 minutes..
But if that what saying you are married really means the thank god loads of men never tell women they meet that they are married.

TheCatsKilledTheGonks · 23/12/2021 02:18

@limitedperiodonly

If only there was a subtle way for irresistible men to signal to desperate women that they were off bounds. Perhaps a brand on the forehead saying TAKEN. Though that would put me in mind of Liam Neeson in Schindler's List. Such a mensch and I'm a sucker for black and white films.
🤣🤣🤣

Brilliant post.

I mean they could just signal that they're "off bounds" by rebuffing any actual attempts of people to hook up with them/ begin affairs, rather than assume every woman who acknowledges their existence even in a work context is doing so for that purpose. 😂

ClareBlue · 23/12/2021 02:22

Seriously, so what if he is saying it because he thinks you fancy him. And women never do this...

TheCatsKilledTheGonks · 23/12/2021 02:24

@ClareBlue

Well the OP wasn't after 2 minutes.. But if that what saying you are married really means the thank god loads of men never tell women they meet that they are married.
I posted what I consider to be a good explanation of the dynamics involved and the (perhaps unintended) consequences of people behaving like this and assuming that everybody of the opposite sex who speaks to them has the ulterior motive of wanting to rip their clothes off. It's both embarrassing for them (even if they do not realise it) and rude to the person they are speaking to. But yeah, focus on the throwaway example of a two minute conversation. Do you think it would be less rude and offensive after 10 mins, half an hour, two hours? The time isn't the point here. It's that implicitly an assumption is being expressed that this woman must find the man sooooo irresistible that she needs to be told to back off, just on the basis of her daring to speak to him as another human. 🤣
TheCatsKilledTheGonks · 23/12/2021 02:26

@ClareBlue

Seriously, so what if he is saying it because he thinks you fancy him. And women never do this...
That's my point entirely. I expect mostly they are saying it because they assume that every woman who speaks to them must "fancy" them.

That is what is so cringey about the behaviour.

ClareBlue · 23/12/2021 02:28

And maybe, just maybe, it isn't because he thinks every women fancies him but because he thinks the women he is talking to has overstepped a boundary. This was not made clear before the full on male entitled post.

Ruthietuthie · 23/12/2021 02:30

I know just what you mean.
I remember clearly a time when I sat down next to an unfamiliar work comment (large institution) and introduced myself, my department. I was just making polite and professional conversation.
INSTANTLY, he replied with "I'm X, X department, just moved here from Y with my WIFE." He really did put a great big emphasis on "WIFE." It was as if he thought that, just by the fact of being female and engaging him in conversation, I must be somehow hitting on him.
He was no prize - he smelt strongly of stale food and unwashed clothes. My thought was, "Really? You think I would be hitting on you? You wish mate..."
I just found it so off-putting and, frankly, unprofessional. I can ask what department you work in without it meaning that I actually want to get into your underpants!!!

TheCatsKilledTheGonks · 23/12/2021 02:34

@randomchap

There's a couple of reasons I used to mention my wife in social situations when she wasn't there. Firstly she was an interesting person and worth mentioning, we also did loads of things together, so saying we rather than I made more sense.

It's also a not so subtle way of saying I'm not hitting on you and to show that my interest in you in purely platonic. I wouldn't want a woman to feel uncomfortable because she thought I was coming on to her.

I had no idea that some people would see this as boasting about being married, or assuming that all women would fancy me.

"Not so subtle"

Indeed!

Absolutely no need for this unless you feel you have a specific need to mention here i.e. you are discussing art and she is an artist, or the person you are speaking to is actually hitting on you so you are declining. There's no need to force the fact you are married into a conversation just because the person you are speaking to is of the opposite sex. Usually presumably married people would be wearing a wedding ring so people would know anyway, if they were remotely interested to look?

TheCatsKilledTheGonks · 23/12/2021 02:36

@ClareBlue

And maybe, just maybe, it isn't because he thinks every women fancies him but because he thinks the women he is talking to has overstepped a boundary. This was not made clear before the full on male entitled post.
Lol. That's not what the OP, or multiple other posters in the thread, are describing though is it? What boundaries were overstepped that justify such odd and rude behaviour in the scenarios described here?

I said very clearly in my posts that of someone was actually hitting on someone married that would be different. The point is that just being friendly and speaking to them shouldn't be assumed to mean that, it is insulting.

TheCatsKilledTheGonks · 23/12/2021 02:38

@Ruthietuthie

I know just what you mean. I remember clearly a time when I sat down next to an unfamiliar work comment (large institution) and introduced myself, my department. I was just making polite and professional conversation. INSTANTLY, he replied with "I'm X, X department, just moved here from Y with my WIFE." He really did put a great big emphasis on "WIFE." It was as if he thought that, just by the fact of being female and engaging him in conversation, I must be somehow hitting on him. He was no prize - he smelt strongly of stale food and unwashed clothes. My thought was, "Really? You think I would be hitting on you? You wish mate..." I just found it so off-putting and, frankly, unprofessional. I can ask what department you work in without it meaning that I actually want to get into your underpants!!!
Exactly!!! 👏👏👏👏

So many eyerolls for these arrogant and deluded men. 🙄

ClareBlue · 23/12/2021 02:42

To tell you the truth this thread is so fecking sad.
A man doesn't say he is married and we get the 1000 relationship threads
A man says he is married in conversation and he is assuming you are hitting on him and he is telling you he is taken and you have no chance
Seriously, if someone says they are married in a conversation then maybe just that.

ClareBlue · 23/12/2021 02:46

Does the insult apply when a women states they have a boyfriend in a conversation with a male?

ClareBlue · 23/12/2021 02:49

@TheCatsKilledTheGonks
Not saying it wasn't a reasonable position.
Trying to do the same and I appreciate the reasoned response.Smile

TheCatsKilledTheGonks · 23/12/2021 02:50

Aaargh, yes, in the normal flow of conversation of course, like with a work colleague and discussing family holidays, it would be natural for a man to talk about his wife if he has one.

To interject it into a conversation unnaturally to "warn someone off" when they've shown no interest in him sexually is very rude, unnecessary and also sexist in the context for example of a conversation with a colleague or work acquaintance.

Surely you can see this is different to men starting affairs and not telling the OW that they are married? It's not even in the same ballpark. The context matters. Forcing some reference to your spouse into a conversation where it is irrelevant is obviously rude and sexist and effectively making insinuations about that person's motives for speaking to you when the only reason it is being done is because the person being spoken to happens to be female, whereas when speaking to a man the man would not make that comment.