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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why men always quickly bring out their wife or girlfriend in a non personal conversation

224 replies

SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 15:08

Not every time but enough for me to ask the question.

I never bring up my boyfriend up in a conversation with almost strangers. Especially the conversation is not personal at all, why?

I was not flirtatious (wearing an oversize black coat and no makeup.) - in case someone asks.

OP posts:
Rocaille · 22/12/2021 16:48

They have an inbuilt cognitive bias to believe they're more attractive than they are, and tend to over-subscribe sexual motives to women they interact with. (Yes, really - psychologists have tested this stuff. Apparently it's an evolutionary thing so they don't waste mating opportunities, lol!)

They probably think they're doing you a favour by letting you down lightly!

HyacynthBucket · 22/12/2021 16:48

I have had this OP, and I think it comes in two versions. One as Youdoyoutoday said - the minute they start talking to you they make clear that they, precious little things, are off limits to me - not that I was remotely interested but they assume I was. This is really annoying, and I think it reflects their interest not mine.
The other is similar but often said in joking voice, something like "I'd better not tell my wife we've been chatting". Again, in a totally non-flirtacious normal situation or work situation, this is like a projection by them on to me. But I am not interested mate, so don't imply that I am.

Marzipano · 22/12/2021 16:48

When chatting with women I haven't meant before, I do sometimes deliberately mention my wife to make it clear that I'm actually interested in the conversation I'm having rather than it being a pretext for trying to get in their knickers.

That doesn't mean I think I'm irresistible, or that I automatically think every woman I meet is interested in me. In fact, quite the opposite! I'm if anything worried that the woman I'm taking might assume I'm attempting to be flirtatious and cut the conversation off.

DickMabutt73962 · 22/12/2021 16:48

Reminds me of a line from Samantha in SATC that was something along the lines of:

Man: I'm married
Samantha: calm down, I was just asking if this seat was taken

DickMabutt73962 · 22/12/2021 16:51

@Youdoyoutoday

It's like in Sex And The City when Samantha asks if a seat is taken and guy replies 'I have a girlfriend!'

I think some men can't believe we could spend 5 minutes in their company without our knicker elastic and sexual self control weakening... bless them!
Dickheads!!

I just posted this 😂 that made me laugh so much because it resonated
quietinhere · 22/12/2021 16:53

I used to hate it when my ex H referred to me as 'my wife' when I'm standing right there! Why not say my name? But then I know the answer to that question - he ceased to see me as an individual.

I think there could be an element of pointing out 'I have a partner, I'm not a sad loser' ?! Maybe?
Also, when you live with someone and you're attached at the hip, it's quite normal to reference everything in 'coupley' terms even if you are by yourself, e.g. Me: 'how old is your dog?' Answer from man by himself: ' we got him in January ' .

SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 16:53

@Marzipano

When chatting with women I haven't meant before, I do sometimes deliberately mention my wife to make it clear that I'm actually interested in the conversation I'm having rather than it being a pretext for trying to get in their knickers.

That doesn't mean I think I'm irresistible, or that I automatically think every woman I meet is interested in me. In fact, quite the opposite! I'm if anything worried that the woman I'm taking might assume I'm attempting to be flirtatious and cut the conversation off.

Yes, it is also possible.
Thank you for offering a different (but very valid) perspective. @Marzipano
OP posts:
MasterBeth · 22/12/2021 16:54

Maybe men mention their wives because they are an important part of their world, on their mind a lot and the love of their life?

EyesAsGreenAsAFreshPickledToad · 22/12/2021 16:57

It must just be you, op.

SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 17:00

@Rocaille

They have an inbuilt cognitive bias to believe they're more attractive than they are, and tend to over-subscribe sexual motives to women they interact with. (Yes, really - psychologists have tested this stuff. Apparently it's an evolutionary thing so they don't waste mating opportunities, lol!)

They probably think they're doing you a favour by letting you down lightly!

This is very interesting but also my observation too. In general (with a big G), Men seem by default think they are attractive while some women need to be persuaded - "You are worth it".
OP posts:
quietinhere · 22/12/2021 17:03

OK, so if a random and attractive woman happens to start a conversation with them 'excuse me, do you know where the station is from here?', they automatically think that they must be attractive because an attractive woman is speaking to them?! Weird buggers.

TheHateIsNotGood · 22/12/2021 17:10

I'm a long-time single person and find it quite, quite normal for most people to mention their partner in conversation irrespective of the sex/gender etc of anyone involved - either the 'conversationalist' or their partner. I'm sure it's mostly not because they're worried I'm trying to get into someone's pants.

Partners are very important to people, otherwise everyone would be single.....

StartingAgain33 · 22/12/2021 17:15

I’ve noticed this. Abs I also fine it strange abs mildly insulting. Like they think I’m desperate or giving off vibes when I’m definitely not? It also makes me feel super self conscious about starting conversations with ANY men (and it’s 90% men) at the coworking space I am literally paying to go to, because I want some workmates?? It’s like they think you can’t have platonic friendships and there always has to be a sexual undertone. Weird!

Rocaille · 22/12/2021 17:15

OK, so if a random and attractive woman happens to start a conversation with them 'excuse me, do you know where the station is from here?', they automatically think that they must be attractive because an attractive woman is speaking to them?! Weird buggers.

Can't remember all the details exactly, but one of the experiments was something like this:
A group of men were invited to participate in a psychological experiment. On arrival, they were greeted by an attractive female receptionist, who smiled at them and said hello. The experimenters then asked the subjects if they thought the receptionist was attracted to them, and a huge number of them said yes, lol! When the experiment was repeated, but with women and an attractive male receptionist, virtually none of the women thought the man fancied them.

CheekyHobson · 22/12/2021 17:16

Because I am uninterested to begin with, there is no need to assume I am and give me the hint.

Well, maybe it's not necessarily about you at all, it's about them being comfortable with the boundaries they set up around their own lives.

They can't read your mind, so they don't know whether to assume you're interested or not interested. In the past, I used to assume that men weren't interested in me by default but had a number of awkward experiences, so now am more reserved on the basis that what I perceive as normal friendliness on my part can be misinterpreted as interest by them. This is because I prefer that someone doesn't get the wrong idea early on and thus avoids an awkward situation down the line.

There's probably a range of reasons the various men you've spoken to did this –some might be trying to put you at ease, some might be trying to put you off, some may have genuinely meant nothing at all by it.

The more important question is "Why do you care?" Why are you annoyed by the thought that someone might have mentioned their wife or girlfriend as a way to establish their marital status to you (and quite possibly other women)?

If you're not interested, the information is relevant to the same degree that he might have mentioned he has a dog or likes the colour green.

I talk to a lot of men in the course of my work who I'm not interested in pursuing and I honestly can't remember when they first brought up their significant others in most cases. The existence of their wives isn't relevant to me, so learning they have one becomes one of a collection of emotion-neutral facts I know about them.

It's interesting that the mention of a wife or partner by a man does trigger an emotion with you – why do you think that is?

Silvershroud · 22/12/2021 17:17

Is this is some sort of covert bragging- men are always being defensive with me as they don't want to end up falling head over heels for me if I flirt with them ?

Tryagainplease · 22/12/2021 17:18

Depends who you’re talking to, how well you know them and what context they mention their partner.

I know someone at work who I speak to regularly and he always talks about his DW but always in a very negative way. She does sound unhinged though! But I do wonder why he keeps telling me about it!

Blossomtoes · 22/12/2021 17:18

@OnGoldenPond

Men think any woman who strikes up a conversation with them is hitting on them.

Egos the size of a planet, all of them.

A lot of women seem to think that too if MN’s anything to go by.
limitedperiodonly · 22/12/2021 17:18

@SophieHasOneQuestion I saw only part of your question so I thought it was "Why do men always quickly bring out their best driving route when I am trapped with them at Christmas parties?"

My thoughts on your real question are that you are hitting on them or probably you're not but they mistake a socially polite enquiry into their dull lives as code for "I don't care about your family. I'm gagging for it. Take me now." It's unavoidable with men who labour under the delusion that they are sex gods but a wise thing to do is if you have a cat, don't mention it.

The other explanation is that they want to shag you but want to be able to say afterwards: "But you always knew I had a wife/girlfriend/kids/all of the above."

The bonus is that if you were thinking: "I fancied him but he's attached so it's a no from me" it weeds you out and he can move on without wasting his time talking to you.

I hope this helps. Anyway, the best way to get to my mum's was straight through the city. I would often try to explain to men they should never attempt the M25 especially on Boxing Day but it was like I was speaking in a register they couldn't hear.

CaveWoman1 · 22/12/2021 17:21

My boss does this. In fact, I was wondering the exact same thing, as it really does dominate literally every conversation. My wife helped me out with this, my wife works four days a week, my wife is in IT so she knows that side of things, my wife, my wife, my wife….. without exaggerating, he mentions her in Every.Conversation.We.Have. And I’ve only been working for him for a few months; plus, the conversations are about work-related issues & tasks, and she always drops up. I find it odd

CaveWoman1 · 22/12/2021 17:21

Crops up rather

CaveWoman1 · 22/12/2021 17:28

Just for context, I don’t mention my husband in every conversation I have, in fact, I don’t mention anything about my private life to work colleagues as I’ve only been in post a few months & I would find it strange to be dropping mention of my husband in every conversation. I don’t get it either OP, and I’m actually pleased you started this thread because I was thinking about it too

Tiramesu · 22/12/2021 17:29

Because their lives are entertwined and they don't want to censor their thoughts...

Mls1984btc · 22/12/2021 17:29

Funny you mentioned the same response in different setting.

I hate the warding off comment. As if we women are some kind of leeches.

BillMasen · 22/12/2021 17:30

It’s just make it clear in a non awkward way that you’re not some pervy predatory weirdo trying to hit on them. It’s to try and put them at ease a bit

It’s not about ego, assuming everyone fancies us so we have to fend them off, it’s to try and relax them a bit