Page 3 | Why men always quickly bring out their wife or girlfriend in a non personal conversation

Awalkintime · 22/12/2021 16:15

Because for men they respect a partner more than the person themselves when talking to a girl so they assume the same applies back.

E.g. a man won't take no for an answer if they offer someone a drink. If a woman says they have a partner they then respect that person (even if they are made up to get the man to fuck off). They never respected the woman initially.

So they feel the woman who converses with them will not respect them like they don't respect the woman. They therefore have to mention it to get the woman to show respect. I think it just shows their personal lack of respect and it mirrors how they only respect a partner themselves. So tells me a hell of a lot without asking!

pictish · 22/12/2021 16:16

Some men think that when a woman is friendly to them, they are flirting. It’s not because you’re flirting of course, it’s because they assume you fancy them.
I’m outgoing and have had the wife or girlfriend comment a handful of times so I know what you mean. I just think ‘don’t flatter yourself’.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 22/12/2021 16:16

Judging from my own experience, I think there's some truth in the old stereotype that men tend to talk more about things and women more about people. So I would be mildly surprised to encounter a man who brought his wife/girlfriend up spontaneously in a short conversation - not that it never happens of course.

Mufasa1118 · 22/12/2021 16:17

I have noticed this too.

In my opinion, I think some of this comes from the men's fear that their wife might be angry if they are talking to another woman. So even though their wife is not their, the men become scared and must talk about her.

And also have people have said, many men think we are flirting rather than just being friendly

I can remember a great example of a man saying this, out of nowhere.

I was in Starbucks in New york. I'm Irish. A very nice elderly man behind me in the queue and me got talking. I mentioned that I was visiting the UsA for the first time, so we had a nice chat about that. We then also happened to sit at tables beside each other. And we kept the chat going. Anyway I was saying "this is my first time I'm in New York, I'm so excited to see around the sights".

He said "lovely! I'm from Idaho . I'm here in new york for business. And Im happily married, i've been with my wife for twenty years, and we are still as happy as we ever were".

Like it had nothing to do with what we were talking about. Haha

Haha

lottiegarbanzo · 22/12/2021 16:18

I would think men who do this probably objectify women more than you do men. They are accustomed to viewing women 'in that way', appraising them in that way anyhow, so probably assume, wrongly, that you naturally do the same.

Original poster

SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 16:19

@EmpressCixi

OP I don’t understand what you mean by this: The thing is that I do think if done too obviously, it could "hurt" another person in the conversation as this person can be totally uninterested.

A man usually does this to signal that he is totally uninterested and to put a woman at ease that he’s not some pervy guy skirt chasing. If you’re also totally uninterested, then where is the harm? You’re both in complete agreement of totally uninterested. Surely that means boundaries are nice and defined and you two can converse in comfort?

Because I am uninterested to begin with, there is no need to assume I am and give me the hint.

To me, it is quite big headed to assume the person who is talking to you is also hitting on you by default.

OP posts:

Youdoyoutoday · 22/12/2021 16:20

It's like in Sex And The City when Samantha asks if a seat is taken and guy replies 'I have a girlfriend!'

I think some men can't believe we could spend 5 minutes in their company without our knicker elastic and sexual self control weakening... bless them!
Dickheads!!

AuntyBumBum · 22/12/2021 16:20

Another Mumsnet thread in another universe:

How come men never mention the fact that they've got a wife or a girlfriend to me? They seem to like to keep up this pretence, even though I know they're not single. I'm not wearing anything flirtatious, just an old coal sack tied up with some twine.

Mufasa1118 · 22/12/2021 16:21

I also remember another time that this happened to me.

I was teaching in a school and had just started working with a new female teacher. We all went out for drinks and she brought her husband out. I knew he was her husband though I hadn't talked to him yet.

I remember we were all walking up a street going somewhere and I happened to be walking beside him, and I talked to him politely.

He glared at me and said to me very pointedly "yes, And I'm here with my WIFE! That is my wife up there".

He wasn't a nice guy anyway. I didn't try to talk to him again

Did he think I was flirting with him?
Is he not allowed to talk to any women at all now he's married?

lottiegarbanzo · 22/12/2021 16:22

And yes, they perceive friendly women as flirting. Because to them, women are sex and they apply their own perspective of you, to your behaviour. It doesn't occur to them that women, like other men, are varied and complex people .

Original poster

SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 16:23

@AuntyBumBum

Another Mumsnet thread in another universe:

How come men never mention the fact that they've got a wife or a girlfriend to me? They seem to like to keep up this pretence, even though I know they're not single. I'm not wearing anything flirtatious, just an old coal sack tied up with some twine.

hahaha, this is funny.

Maybe all things have two sides, and strike balance is important (and hard to achieve).

OP posts:

5128gap · 22/12/2021 16:25

Socially, they say it when they don't fancy you, and either feel they've no need to hide that they're attached (as they would if they wanted it to get flirty) or want to give you the message from the offset.
Occasionally in professional settings they do it when they do fancy you, and are scared their letching might accidentally become obvious.

LubaLuca · 22/12/2021 16:26

I've noticed men mentioning their partners unnecessarily, but no more than women do. It's not unusual to mention your closest family a lot, they're on our minds all the time.

I'm not a flirt, I keep everyone at arm's length, but people often mention their family to me when they really didn't need to. I think it's a way to try to find something obvious in common - I'm married, I have children, lots of people are like me, I wonder if this stranger is...

EmpressCixi · 22/12/2021 16:26

OP
Because I am uninterested to begin with, there is no need to assume I am and give me the hint. To me, it is quite big headed to assume the person who is talking to you is also hitting on you by default.

But you’re assuming that these men are assuming you’re interested? In the case of my DH he’s actually presuming women are not interested in him, but is worried that by his being friendly to them, they may think he is interested in them and is flirting? He does it to save them from wondering, OMG why is he being so nice? Is he flirting? Is he a pervy older man? What do I do? Do I mention I have a boyfriend/am married/ am single and not interested? How do I do this nicely and safely because women have literally been attacked and killed by men for telling them they’re not interested....

Boood · 22/12/2021 16:28

The thing is that I do think if done too obviously, it could "hurt" another person in the conversation as this person can be totally uninterested.

But why would you be “hurt” by the fact that someone you don’t know isn’t available for flirting?
Tbh, if some man I’d barely met was “hurt” by me mentioning my husband, rather than allowing him to think I might be single and might be interested in him, I’d take that as a bad sign that he was all about his own ego.

Ionlydomassiveones · 22/12/2021 16:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Cam77 · 22/12/2021 16:36

because men often can’t make friendly chitchat with women of similar age (eg at the school gate) without being suspected of trying to hit on them. It’s just a way to say “I’m not a creep and it’s ok to chat”. Te majority of men are actually decent often do their best not to make women feel uncomfortable/threatened etc.

user1471517095 · 22/12/2021 16:36

Probably so that woman don't instantly think that the man is sniffing round them.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 22/12/2021 16:36

@Youdoyoutoday

It's like in Sex And The City when Samantha asks if a seat is taken and guy replies 'I have a girlfriend!'

I think some men can't believe we could spend 5 minutes in their company without our knicker elastic and sexual self control weakening... bless them!
Dickheads!!

Or when other women on here accuse a woman at work of having an ulterior motive for getting on well with their husband and that the OP must nip it in the bud right now as he's 'already in emotional affair territory'.

SilverRingahBells · 22/12/2021 16:38

Was he an attractive bloke? Is it plausible that he genuinely does constantly get women feigning interest in his work with romantic intent? I realise that some men think they're catnip to the ladies for no readily apparent reason, but presumably some artists genuinely do get chatted up on the regular.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/12/2021 16:39

To me, it makes the conversation instantly awkward. It says 'I think about all women in terms of sex (yeah or nay)', when I was just being a person, having an ordinary conversation with another person.

Original poster

SophieHasOneQuestion · 22/12/2021 16:42

@EmpressCixi

OP Because I am uninterested to begin with, there is no need to assume I am and give me the hint. To me, it is quite big headed to assume the person who is talking to you is also hitting on you by default.

But you’re assuming that these men are assuming you’re interested? In the case of my DH he’s actually presuming women are not interested in him, but is worried that by his being friendly to them, they may think he is interested in them and is flirting? He does it to save them from wondering, OMG why is he being so nice? Is he flirting? Is he a pervy older man? What do I do? Do I mention I have a boyfriend/am married/ am single and not interested? How do I do this nicely and safely because women have literally been attacked and killed by men for telling them they’re not interested....

"How do I do this nicely and safely because women have literally been attacked and killed by men for telling them they’re not interested"

OP posts:

mam0918 · 22/12/2021 16:43

I wouldn't say I have ever really had this problem bar one guy who I knew where in an abusive relationship and declared to anyone of the opposite sex even their own granny that they had a girlfriend for fear of her wrath.

I am quite the 'flirtatious type' apparently (been told many a time despite having been with one man half my life and not being remotely interested in any others) although I would just call it being friendly, smiley and polite.

Maybe I should announce I'm married and then people won't think I'm so 'flirty' though, maybe that's where I go wrong lol.

But then like OP they'll get offended, lose lose situations.

BiscuitLover3678 · 22/12/2021 16:46

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Probably because men are seen as predators and they think it makes them appear less predatory

This.

DickMabutt73962 · 22/12/2021 16:47

@SophieHasOneQuestion

Not every time but enough for me to ask the question.

I never bring up my boyfriend up in a conversation with almost strangers. Especially the conversation is not personal at all, why?

I was not flirtatious (wearing an oversize black coat and no makeup.) - in case someone asks.

Saying you were not being flirtatious is enough, not sure why what a person is wearing would mean they're being flirtatious? 😂