Why men always quickly bring out their wife or girlfriend in a non personal conversation

[SophieHasOneQuestion]

Not every time but enough for me to ask the question.

I never bring up my boyfriend up in a conversation with almost strangers. Especially the conversation is not personal at all, why?

I was not flirtatious (wearing an oversize black coat and no makeup.) - in case someone asks.

@ClareBlue

Does the insult apply when a women states they have a boyfriend in a conversation with a male?

Yes, if it's randomly and irrelevantly dropped into a conversation for no reason then I would expect a man to feel equally insulted: that the presumption being made is that he is only speaking to her with a sexual motive. It's very insulting, and very depressing that men or women would view each other in this way and think that any conversation must have a sexual motive. My brothers and male friends would find this rude and presumptuous I think.

@ClareBlue I say all of this from the perspective of somebody whose ex-husband cheated, would never ever get involved with anybody in a relationship, and I am very happily single and not at all interested in dating. I referenced context a lot in my posts so thought the context of my comments might be relevant! I don't know.

I'm in a very male dominated profession, when I speak to men they do sometimes mention their wife or gf. I quite like it, it can be a signal for "I'm spoken for - this is professional only" which I completely relate to. Also an easy opener for me to mention my DH, then we're all on the same footing. I have found this to be especially good as social events for work or at professional events (conferences, IEEE etc).

I speak about DH a lot and he speaks about me. Think it honestly due to having a small social circle and spending most of our leisure time together and we have been together since we were very young so have fond memories of most things as a couple rather than apart. I in no way think anyone is flirting with me or him.

So for example I speak to patients all day long, many confused or not very well so the conversation is a bit one sided but you have to keep it going to stop them from climbing out the bed. So I tell them a hundred family anecdotes or talk about holidays I've been on and naturally I have been on most with DH as we have been together since I was 17. People ask about my kids a lot too so DH generally comes up in thst conversation. I think its probably because we are still a bit obsessed with each other.

@Beseen22

I speak about DH a lot and he speaks about me. Think it honestly due to having a small social circle and spending most of our leisure time together and we have been together since we were very young so have fond memories of most things as a couple rather than apart. I in no way think anyone is flirting with me or him.

So for example I speak to patients all day long, many confused or not very well so the conversation is a bit one sided but you have to keep it going to stop them from climbing out the bed. So I tell them a hundred family anecdotes or talk about holidays I've been on and naturally I have been on most with DH as we have been together since I was 17. People ask about my kids a lot too so DH generally comes up in thst conversation. I think its probably because we are still a bit obsessed with each other.

Telling anecdotes to your patients is a world away from deliberately dropping the fact you are married into an unrelated conversation with somebody because otherwise - you believe - they couldn't possibly resist pouncing on you. 😆

It's interesting discussion and I'm on a learning curve.
As per most things, your experiences can inform your opinion. Context seems to be important.
Are women more sensitive to context? Genuine question. Presuming that context is different for women and men. Men trying to make the situation less threatening but not succeeding. How should that work.
No excuse for nobs of any sex in the debate 😁

@TillyTopper

I'm in a very male dominated profession, when I speak to men they do sometimes mention their wife or gf. I quite like it, it can be a signal for "I'm spoken for - this is professional only" which I completely relate to. Also an easy opener for me to mention my DH, then we're all on the same footing. I have found this to be especially good as social events for work or at professional events (conferences, IEEE etc).

It's nice to get to know colleagues and feel comfortable with them. I don't think this thread is about that natural kind of mutual sharing as you get to know people and colleagues become friends. It's more about people interjecting the fact they are married in a very odd way into early conversations as if to "warn you off", when you had no interest in them in that way at all. 🤣

That is very off-putting in terms of just continuing a polite, normal conversation, to say the least! Many examples given on the thread. Most of the men who do this really have no need to be so defensive.

Women who have the misfortune to be polite to them and interact with them and are then met with this response seem to be mostlt quite taken aback and rather insulted at the insinuation that they even care whether these men are married because even if they were not, they'd have no interest in them. 😆

The issue many posters have described here in this presumption that a woman talking to a man is often because she finds him sooooooo attractive and irresisible. 🧐 Why should we all only be able to speak to one half of the human race without being subjected to this nonsense?

I guess they are building a giant castle and moats that mirror their ego and then become very surprised that nobody is coming to instigate a siege, 🤭🙈😳

@ClareBlue

It's interesting discussion and I'm on a learning curve. As per most things, your experiences can inform your opinion. Context seems to be important. Are women more sensitive to context? Genuine question. Presuming that context is different for women and men. Men trying to make the situation less threatening but not succeeding. How should that work. No excuse for nobs of any sex in the debate 😁

On average, women have far higher emotional intelligence scores than men, so yes, at a population level you'd expect more men to make these kinds of social blunders than women.

A big part of that is socialisation, though. Women are trained up from young children to be aware of men's feelings AND women's feelings, and appropriate behaviour with each. It's amazing how many adult men seem to have little idea how to interact with and understand women. How to behave respectfully without being a weirdo. I think some of the responses from well-meaning men on this thread - who apparently had no idea how behaving like this would make a woman feel uncomfortable - demonstrates that.

I will try to raise my boy to be better! That's all most of us can do about it.

Can't say i've noticed this... quite the opposite, actually.

I think it’s to reassure you they’re not flirting with you or trying to chat you up. They want to be platonic friends?

Do you give them the impression you’re nervous or wary at all? I’m quite shy and men often mention their partners early on. If they don’t I slip my DH into conversation at some point, so I don’t give anyone the wrong idea.

I notice this sometimes. In the most recent case he mentioned his wife every single time we met. Until I mentioned my husband, and then he stopped mentioning his wife. So I can only assume she was mentioned to warn me off, and he stopped when he realised I wasn’t available.

@AuntyBumBum

Men think any woman who strikes up a conversation with them is hitting on them.

Egos the size of a planet, all of them.

This.

And women don't?

Women do think it yes. But that's because its often correct. Women don't have to have big egos to think men talking to them often means they're hitting on them. Their lived experience has taught them this. Men are far less likely to make conversation with women they have no interest in than the other way round. Men are also far more likely to make moves on women than the other way round. Unless a man is exceptionally attractive id be very surprised if he regularly (if ever) had women hit on him. Its different for women.

Yes, my experience of conversations with men, in all sorts of scenarios where attraction should be irrelevant; work, hobbies, social events etc is that most men are naturally drawn to women they find attractive (young women especially) and make no effort to override that impulse.

That's not to say they flirt with the young and attractive women necessarily but they do pay them attention, that they do not pay to older women they do not already know.

I've seen this from both sides, as an averagely attractive 20-30 something and as someone 40+ who has noticed that I am no longer the woman in the room men wish to take an interest in or be kind to.

I suspect that they find their own behaviour normal, so assume we're doing the same thing. (But with different, broader criteria for attractiveness, obvs!).

A male friend once said to me that men don't make friends with women they're not attracted to, that they don't think 'what if', or 'I might, if the opportunity arose' about. I'm not sure I'd like to say he was a font of wisdom, or the median hetero man but I do think he had a point.

And honestly, I think women often have similar criteria for friendship. Perhaps with less of a lurking intention to act upon it.

Maybe a difference is the way we approach casual social interactions as separate from friendships? That we have (have been trained to have) a stronger sense of social duty and awareness, to be the good host, look out for people on their own, work the room etc.

Perhaps men shouldn't talk to women (OH's preferred option)

Or perhaps men should learn / remember that women are people too.

A man told me this once when I was young - it was along the lines of 'So you know what you're getting into if we end up hooking up'.

I've never forgotten it as for me, it makes me back off; I thought it was a mad reason

@SophieHasOneQuestion

Not every time but enough for me to ask the question.

I never bring up my boyfriend up in a conversation with almost strangers. Especially the conversation is not personal at all, why?

I was not flirtatious (wearing an oversize black coat and no makeup.) - in case someone asks.

Depends on context. Waiting on a bus/train may be a strange thing to talk about, then again may not. 'When is the bus due' 'better call home and let the boss know I'll be late'. Talking about family is a fairly innocuous conversation with someone you don't really know. As other say he'll be damned if he does damned if he doesn't. On MN men that talk to women are sexual predators.

I managed a public building which had a space for artists, photographers etc. to display their work, and I often got from males, either a vibe where they were warding off, or a vibe where they were actively flirting, when dealing with bookings to use the space. It was tiresome but was just water off a ducks back.

Dh does this quite early on. It's not something he was aware of until it was pointed out. He's a chatty bloke and he does it to reassure that he's just being friendly, I know he'd hate to make someone feel uncomfortable. It doesn't bother me, his intentions are good. He's used to being mocked for his old fashioned ways by our teens.

@lottiegarbanzo

A male friend once said to me that men don't make friends with women they're not attracted to, that they don't think 'what if', or 'I might, if the opportunity arose' about. I'm not sure I'd like to say he was a font of wisdom, or the median hetero man but I do think he had a point.

And honestly, I think women often have similar criteria for friendship. Perhaps with less of a lurking intention to act upon it.

Maybe a difference is the way we approach casual social interactions as separate from friendships? That we have (have been trained to have) a stronger sense of social duty and awareness, to be the good host, look out for people on their own, work the room etc.

That has genuinely not been my experience. I have several close male friendships which have persisted for the best part of 30 years, though both people being single, coupled up, divorced etc — I suppose I can objectively see that these men are comparatively attractive, though I’ve no idea what they think of my looks — but no one’s ever made a move, or given any idea it had ever crossed their minds.

I actually used to think the opposite. That men avoid mentioning partners. So maybe it just goes to show that you can't generalise.

I have done this deliberately in situations where I have thought the man I'm speaking to might assume I'm single. But probably done it far more unconsciously just because my DH is a big part of my life. Once I noticed that I always said 'we' when referring to anything about my house, children or home life - before that I hadn't realised I did it. It is just habit for me, not trying to send a message or because I can't stop thinking about my partner!

I actually used to think the opposite. That men avoid mentioning partners. So maybe it just goes to show that you can't generalise.

I rather think the opposite. 'Used to' sums it up nicely.

'Want her to consider me an option? Don't mention the girlfriend.
Want to signal that I'm not interested in her that way? Mention the wife.'

I'm not saying they'd ever make a move @Orreries Just that attraction is a broader quality in the formation of relationships, of all sorts, than we often acknowledge.

@Theimpossiblegirl

Dh does this quite early on. It's not something he was aware of until it was pointed out. He's a chatty bloke and he does it to reassure that he's just being friendly, I know he'd hate to make someone feel uncomfortable. It doesn't bother me, his intentions are good. He's used to being mocked for his old fashioned ways by our teens.

I think it's nice of your DH.

I have even sometimes felt that when a male colleague and I have both mentioned our respective OHs, there's a bit of relaxation on both sides- ah, this person probably isn't going to send me dodgy winky texts at 10pm.