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Original poster

Snapped at DH about widowed MIL, feeling guilty

263 replies

pinkchristmastree11 · 22/12/2021 07:59

DH and I are from opposite ends of the country, he is an only child and I have one sibling who is severely disabled.

FIL died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. He was relatively young (only just retired) and still very active. MIL is understandably devastated, they had been together since their teens. They were true soulmates, very dependant on each other and both quite introverted so had very few other friends. MIL has no other living family. She has two close friends, otherwise she doesn't work, doesn't volunteer, isn't part of any local groups, doesn't go to church etc.

She lives 3 hours away from us in a semi rural area with an unreliable bus service and doesn't drive.

DH has suggested she a) learn to drive or b) moves closer to us. Or ideally both. She won't entertain either (I don't really understand her reasons tbh).

Since FIL died DH has been going to visit MIL every third weekend and she's come to stay with us twice for 2-3 weeks at a time. As she doesn't drive, he goes to pick her up which is a six hour round trip.

She's staying with us throughout xmas/new year and last night DH was talking about his next visit in mid-Jan. For the first time, I got a bit annoyed about it. I'm totally exhausted - we have two DC of our own (toddler and primary school), no family support, and life is busy enough at the best of times. Every time he goes to MIL's I have to take a half day annual leave as he usually does pick up in the latter half of the week so I have to cover (and I don't know how much longer my work will tolerate this). Then it's a whole weekend of looking after the DC on my own, DH comes home exhausted and we are all back to work/school/childcare on Monday morning.

I basically said that MIL is a grown adult capable of making her own decisions and I respect that, but she has to accept that if she won't move closer and won't learn to drive, she isn't going to see as much of DH as she would like to and it's time to start cutting down on the frequency of the visits. DH actually agreed with me but I have been feeling so guilty ever since.

Any thoughts on how to handle? Am I a horrible person? Sad What can we do to make the situation easier and help MIL without making our lives even harder?

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 22/12/2021 08:04

You are not a horrible person. What you said was correct.

It’s hard because you are dealing with two people who are grieving. And that’s different to having a demanding relative who just won’t change. But, your DH’s priority is his own children and he needs to do the work there. That means not leaving you exhausted.

And no no no to the annual leave. MIL can get a taxi.

Bagelsandbrie · 22/12/2021 08:05

You’re right and losing every 3rd weekend like this is madness. As is her coming to stay for 2/3 weeks at a time. Unfortunately until your dh says no she won’t change. It must be scary and upsetting for her but she needs to make some changes to her life. It’s nice that you’ve suggested she move closer to you. Many wouldn’t like that so it shows you’re not trying to isolate her.

underneaththeash · 22/12/2021 08:08

I'd cut it down gradually.

You don't want to move her away from her close friends.

When she comes to you, she needs to get a taxi to the train station and then get a train closer to you.

You need to say, that you don't have enough annual leave to keep taking half a day every 3 weeks.

JustLyra · 22/12/2021 08:09

I think given his father only died a few months ago it’s harsh.

It’s understandable, but harsh.

Your MIL likely isn’t in the headspace to start thinking about making big changes like moving when she’s still reeling and facing her first Christmas with it her husband.

Could your DH not take the toddler with him? He’ll have to be creative to entertain them on the drive, but it would at least help over the weekend.

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/12/2021 08:10

Actually you were right to say it.

This is not sustainable and eventually someone (you or DH) will crack. He needs to explain it can't continue like this and get some changes made. She may never learn to drive at her age and love her area but at some point she may have to move closer to facilities if not nearer to you.

Notonthestairs · 22/12/2021 08:14

We did something similar after my mum died. But we all went every other weekend.

It was madness really but i would say that it helped me as much as my Dad come to terms with the loss and change to my family.

We gradually spaced out the visits and he got the hang of living alone. What helped is that he is very gregarious and joined every club going. He's now feeling more resistant has reduced his activities.

I can see why you'd be totally frazzled. I'd strongly advise not making any significant life changes for the first year - they really do need time to process such a big loss.

Notonthestairs · 22/12/2021 08:14

He's now more resilient not resistant!

ZenNudist · 22/12/2021 08:16

No to taking annual leave. Every month to visit at the weekend is fair but just don't cut into your work time. 3 hours isn't too bad. In law's live that far and we go as a family every month.

She does need to move near facilities but not away from friends and the areashe knows.

cptartapp · 22/12/2021 08:16

What you say is right.
Doesn't sound like MIL has made any plans for what she would do if FIL went first, which was always a 50% chance. No foresight, no preparation for the life she would live and how she would manage.
Now she will reap the consequences or have to make different choices.
I can't believe she is happy to impose herself and have your busy DH run around after her like this! Indefinitely? It isn't she who should be feeling guilty and sadly the fact it doesn't would taint my opinion of them as a parent.
Her wants don't trump yours.

ufucoffee · 22/12/2021 08:18

I agree to try and cut this down gradually, your poor MIL must be feeling lost. But taking your toddler with him for the weekend is a great idea. It'll hopefully get her out of the house to keep said toddler entertained and perhaps encourage her to move closer to you so she can help out?

BeyondMyWits · 22/12/2021 08:19

It is not sustainable, but... if you get her to move away from her friends, you have to take their place, so be careful what you wish for.

Jacaranda75 · 22/12/2021 08:20

Cn she take the train?

Olinguita · 22/12/2021 08:21

You have my sympathies. My recently widowed MIL is staying with us for 7 weeks, in a 2 bed flat. We have a very new baby and I am getting a lot less help from DH as she and DH's grief is taking centre stage. Sudden bereavements are awful things but the problem is that when you have small kids in the picture, daily life needs to go on...
I agree that your current situation is not sustainable. I would say gradually cut down/space the visits. And MIL needs to make it easier on you guys by getting taxis and trains when she comes to stay with you.

THisbackwithavengeance · 22/12/2021 08:21

Her DH died a few months ago.

Cut her some slack.

Your DH is being a good son. Would you prefer it if he didn't give a fuck?

If you are complaining about having to look after your DCs for a few hours alone without your DH, imagine how she feels now her DH is dead?

Give her time. The situation will have changed in 6 months. At the moment any suggestion of change or effort is too overwhelming for her.

MiddleParking · 22/12/2021 08:24

@BeyondMyWits

It is not sustainable, but... if you get her to move away from her friends, you have to take their place, so be careful what you wish for.
No she doesn’t?! That’s not how life works.
janbaby22 · 22/12/2021 08:24

I also think that suggesting she move or learn to drive, and then not understanding her reasons why, only a few months after her husband has died is insensitive.

HeronLanyon · 22/12/2021 08:25

You’re all in bereavement shock/adjustment etc. 3 months is no time at all and it is likely to take quite a bit longer before sensible planned discussions might bring about change.
You did nothing wrong to say what you were feeling and of course the current arrangements are unsustainable for much longer.
If it were me I’d not quite apologise but open up to DH and say you understand it’s all v difficult and the last thing you wanted was to increase pressure on him but it will need to be sorted out soonish.
Truth is when grieving people do all sorts of stuff.
Three years from the death of my lovely old Ma I’m only just ready to deal with some stuff and get rid of some things etc etc.
Good luck op.

NextChristmas · 22/12/2021 08:26

We had something similar op. In the early days it was very like you're saying. As fil got used to being alone dh reduced the frequency of visits but increased the phone calls and we definitely see him more even more than before my mil died and for longer periods of time. I'd suggest more fleeting visits as the next step. And definitely for dh to take one of the dcs. My dh does this now. The dcs take it in turns to go with him and it's turned into a bit of an adventure day for them. They get dh all to themselves and it breaks up the visit itself. Nothing like needing to tend to a child to distract the grown ups!

custardbear · 22/12/2021 08:26

So this is still very soon since he died and they're both grieving. Yes it's putting you out at the moment but it's transient. Slowly suggest things to your DH about her getting a coach or train, taxi to the station etc as you can't cope alone so often.
In the meantime perhaps get some support from school such as a place in after school club those days he's away so you don't need to finish work early
Slowly make a structured change to help her transfer from her old life to a new life where she's not using your DH/her son as a crutch

TopCatsTopHat · 22/12/2021 08:28

Don't feel bad, the set up you're describing is emergency emotional support territory only and you and your dh can both see that luckily.
Communication is your friend here, your mil shouldn't be kept in the dark about what providing this support is taking out of you both. In the nicest possible way.
It is understandable that she should be shocked by an unexpected bereavement and not feel ready to make big decisions. But decisions will come in their time and being in full possession of the facts will help gradually shift her perspective. Whether she chooses a life of isolation or moves closer to you, if she knows exactly what you and your dh can do in either scenario, it will be her choice made knowing what it will entail.
Letting her know you can't keep this up is important, though needs tact so as not to make her feel awful that this support has been willingly given.

DSGR · 22/12/2021 08:29

You can’t expect her to learn to drive abs love house a few mo the after a massive bereavement. Be realistic.
Your DH needs to start spacing out the visits and ideally take a toddler with him when he goes. But this will be gradual.
I don’t think there anything wrong with her staying 1-2 weeks - she’s your MIL and in deep grief. Be kind.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/12/2021 08:29

You are quite right, and your DH clearly agrees.

Of course you have a duty to support her, but your first duty is to yourselves (because If you fall over what good are you), and your second your kids.

Obviously it just happened so the first few months will be full on, but that has to stop now.

Sit down with your DH and work out what you can do and what you can’t

But broadly - don’t let you MIL lapse into second childhood. Thank fuck she has friends, but if she wants to stay rural she needs to learn to drive an automatic (or have enough money for regular cabs), she needs to get a PT job or volunteer, and get a hobby.. also join a few things like WI, book group, seniors yoga, gransnet.

You may need to have a compassionate intervention chat with her - she may well have 30 years left - she needs to build a life. You can also explain that while you love and want to support her with work and tiny kids this level of support is just not possible. She needs to also help herself and she will have a much nicer life if she does.

Figure out what works for you but I think a weekend a calendar month, alternating DH there, and her to you (or 2/3 to 1/3) is good for the first year - if you can stand it, then drop down to every 6 weeks from next year. Unless she really isn’t a bother, reduce visits to a week a couple times a year - and after that have a six week gap. But if this is to much, reduce it to a level you can manage.

DSGR · 22/12/2021 08:30

Sorry for typos

Didiusfalco · 22/12/2021 08:31

No, no. You are absolutely right. This happened to my parents when I was young. My gran lived in Norfolk and we lived in the midlands. My dad (only child) told her straight away that he would like to support her, but could only do that if she was local, as he had a job and small children. She moved close to us and we saw her all the time and it was much better for all involved. This does not make you a bad person. At the moment your dh is enabling something totally unsustainable.

Neron · 22/12/2021 08:31

Doesn't sound like MIL has made any plans for what she would do if FIL went first, which was always a 50% chance. No foresight, no preparation for the life she would live and how she would manage.
Now she will reap the consequences or have to make different choices.
I can't believe she is happy to impose herself and have your busy DH run around after her like this! Indefinitely? It isn't she who should be feeling guilty and sadly the fact it doesn't would taint my opinion of them as a parent.
Her wants don't trump yours.
I've read some nonsense on this site, but this post is utterly ridiculous.

Yes times are tough at the moment, but if you lost DH suddenly how do you think you'd be coping?
I second your DH taking the toddler with him.

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