Snapped at DH about widowed MIL, feeling guilty

[pinkchristmastree11]

DH and I are from opposite ends of the country, he is an only child and I have one sibling who is severely disabled.

FIL died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. He was relatively young (only just retired) and still very active. MIL is understandably devastated, they had been together since their teens. They were true soulmates, very dependant on each other and both quite introverted so had very few other friends. MIL has no other living family. She has two close friends, otherwise she doesn't work, doesn't volunteer, isn't part of any local groups, doesn't go to church etc.

She lives 3 hours away from us in a semi rural area with an unreliable bus service and doesn't drive.

DH has suggested she a) learn to drive or b) moves closer to us. Or ideally both. She won't entertain either (I don't really understand her reasons tbh).

Since FIL died DH has been going to visit MIL every third weekend and she's come to stay with us twice for 2-3 weeks at a time. As she doesn't drive, he goes to pick her up which is a six hour round trip.

She's staying with us throughout xmas/new year and last night DH was talking about his next visit in mid-Jan. For the first time, I got a bit annoyed about it. I'm totally exhausted - we have two DC of our own (toddler and primary school), no family support, and life is busy enough at the best of times. Every time he goes to MIL's I have to take a half day annual leave as he usually does pick up in the latter half of the week so I have to cover (and I don't know how much longer my work will tolerate this). Then it's a whole weekend of looking after the DC on my own, DH comes home exhausted and we are all back to work/school/childcare on Monday morning.

I basically said that MIL is a grown adult capable of making her own decisions and I respect that, but she has to accept that if she won't move closer and won't learn to drive, she isn't going to see as much of DH as she would like to and it's time to start cutting down on the frequency of the visits. DH actually agreed with me but I have been feeling so guilty ever since.

Any thoughts on how to handle? Am I a horrible person? What can we do to make the situation easier and help MIL without making our lives even harder?

@Double3xposure

It’s really is uncommon in 60 year olds. Which is indeed working age - I get my state pension at 67.

I have a very large social and businesses circle and I only know one woman of my age who doesn’t drive.

I agree it’s more common in my parents generation, who are now in their late 80s 90s.

Some people don’t seem to be able to differentiate between 60 and 90 . It’s like 5 years olds who see everyone as a grown up.

60 year olds are out there running the country, businesses , staffing the NHS, being head teachers and lawyers, accountants and refuse collectors. They are doing marathons and being triathletes. They are not all sitting at home knitting and waiting to die.

yes, agree completely!! great post

My boss is 66.
And is one of the best bosses I've ever had.
She's amazing.

I also agree with Double3xposure
60 year olds are running the country and are fully functioning! The previous poster who said some can’t differentiate between 60 and 90 is spot on. Though I know quite a few 90 year olds who are brilliantly independent too.

@frogswimming

I would suggest she moves in with you. You'd have an extra pair of hands to take the pressure off even if it's just making sure the kids don't destroy the house while you're in the shower, your kids would have their grandma near them, she doesn't have much to leave behind by the sound of it. Win win.

No. Just a lifetime of memories with the man she loved. Should be a piece of piss walking away from that.

Really?

For goodness sake, if your FIL only died a few months ago you shouldn't be expecting your MIL to make decisions about moving etc. yet. The general advice is to wait at least a year before rushing into something you might regret.

As for the visits, well they can gradually be reduced, but try and have a bit of empathy!

@Essexmate

Some of the comments here are complete shit. If it was the DW that lost her dad and wanted to visit her mum and DH was complaining about watching the kids etc these comments would be full of LTB! It’s all still so new for your MIL and DH, give it some time. Families are supposed to come together in times of tragedy, it won’t last forever.

This is the sanest response I have seen here. Very well put and bang on the money.

I understand it’s only 5 months but with the back story of a very isolated mil with a very sheltered life, no hobbies, not able to drive I think it’s important that it doesn’t become expected.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to chat about future plans. She’s very young to be widowed. No quick decisions need to be made but mil must have some idea how she plans on spending next 30 years eg does she live where she lives or had they planned on retiring to seaside etc.

@Dixiechickonhols is right. There's a balance to be struck between supporting a recently bereaved widow and creating a cycle of dependency that will be hard to break.
Encouraging MIL to use public transport is as much for her benefit as anyone else's.

Her age irrelevant to how much support she needs right now, she has only just lost her husband and that is a huge deal.

I have to say, I’m widow too so I do tend to jump to the defence of new widows anyway, but some of these posts are too harsh. A few months really is nothing when the death is an unexpected shock, it took me at least a couple of months before my brain even began to start to work properly.

DH has suggested she a) learn to drive or b) moves closer to us. Or ideally both. She won't entertain either (I don't really understand her reasons tbh).

That you can post this at all, even if you have begun to try and understand, shows how very little you do understand. I mean, it’s great that you don’t understand because it means your husband is still alive, but you need to recognise that it really doesn’t matter whether you understand or not, you just need to accept what she needs.

She’s in the process of getting used to every minute of the day being different to the life she knew for years, at the same time as feeling a massive heartbreak. It’s very unlikely that she has the mental capacity to think about things like moving house and learning to drive which are difficult at the best of times. She probably won’t be able to think about new things for a while, because she’s still getting used to doing the normal things alone. She will need a lot of patience if she’s not used to any independence, and kindness.

This thread has really made me realise how different families and cultures are.

Three months after losing your husband is no time. I would move heaven and earth to support my mother through this. And I would be devastated so I would also need her support. As an only child I can only imagine this is more intense for OP’s DH.

I am shocked by some or the cold and dismissive comments here.

This lady is not elderly. She will need to decide how she wants to live now - all her plans have changed. But my god give the poor woman a bit of time.

Yes this man needs to find a way to balance supporting his mum with contributing at home - but this intense period will pass and they will fall into a better rhythm. Yes his mum might eventually move - but it is far too soon for that.

Family seems to mean such different things to different people.

She’s in the process of getting used to every minute of the day being different to the life she knew for years, at the same time as feeling a massive heartbreak. It’s very unlikely that she has the mental capacity to think about things like moving house and learning to drive which are difficult at the best of times. She probably won’t be able to think about new things for a while, because she’s still getting used to doing the normal things alone. She will need a lot of patience if she’s not used to any independence, and kindness.

I think this is very true.

The expectation that a reluctant and very newly widowed 64 year old will suddenly both learn to drive and move house all at once (or at all) is unrealistic and harsh

OP, I am in a similar situation with my mother. She is 86 and newly widowed after a 63 year marriage. My Dad died back in March. My mother can no longer drive due to medical reasons, lives about 3 hours drive away and public transport is poor where she is.

OP, you aren't a bad person. You are in a unsustainable situation. However, expecting major decisions from MIL at this stage is very unrealistic.

I would suggest trying instead to encourage independence slowly. What I did with my mother was start going up on the train rather than driving my own car. That way we had to use local cab firms and she became more confident that getting out occasionally was possible, with a bit of planning. She now goes weekly to a bereavement support group without relying on myself or my sister to drive her. If an increasingly frail 86 year old (who will never be totally independent again due to her health issues) can occasionally do that then there is reason to hope that an otherwise healthy (I assume) 64 year old could eventually adapt somewhat.

Your DH could investigate some cab firms and local community transport near his mother. Then perhaps he could consider doing as I did and head up there on the train. They can make the odd outing using cabs etc. If he doesn't have his car with him he might find it easier to persuade her to give it a try because she will not then expect to be driven. He might then be able to convince her that this is a potential option that she could use to get herself out occasionally, including eventually getting herself to the station to come to yours.

It's placing a large burden on your life so not unreasonable, maybe you just need a breed system? Why don't you all go after work/school on a Friday and stay till Sunday (assuming you work Mon-Fri) once a month? With school pick up on the Friday is there an after school club you could access adhoc?

It must be awful and obviously your DH wanting to support her is understandable. However, she is an adult and has to make her choices. She's still young so needs to decide what kind of life she wants.

Even learning to drive, it is quite a drive to yours so would mean staying overnight when she visits and I don't know how you would feel about having her stay often. So either move closer or start making a life for herself where she lives. Volunteering, working, joining a church group, sport, hobbies.

My neighbour is in his 60s and his lifestyle is no different to a 30 year old. Work, travels, sport, friends, concerts, parties.

Whatever she decides to do will be up to her and you can support but be careful, like others have said that she doesn't latch on to your DH as the adult in the relationship. If she went from being with her parents, to her husband and everyone always sorted everything and made the decisions, she may not realise that she is capable and should make her own decisions.

I had a friend in her 50s worried about splitting up with her husband because she didnt know about paying bills etc. I said it is very simple. You make a list of things you need to pay and how much. You budget, You set up direct debits etc. Also about fixing things. And again, you call a plumber or sometimes you can youtube it or have friends advise. It isn't difficult but can feel overwhelming if you have never done it.