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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Snapped at DH about widowed MIL, feeling guilty

263 replies

pinkchristmastree11 · 22/12/2021 07:59

DH and I are from opposite ends of the country, he is an only child and I have one sibling who is severely disabled.

FIL died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. He was relatively young (only just retired) and still very active. MIL is understandably devastated, they had been together since their teens. They were true soulmates, very dependant on each other and both quite introverted so had very few other friends. MIL has no other living family. She has two close friends, otherwise she doesn't work, doesn't volunteer, isn't part of any local groups, doesn't go to church etc.

She lives 3 hours away from us in a semi rural area with an unreliable bus service and doesn't drive.

DH has suggested she a) learn to drive or b) moves closer to us. Or ideally both. She won't entertain either (I don't really understand her reasons tbh).

Since FIL died DH has been going to visit MIL every third weekend and she's come to stay with us twice for 2-3 weeks at a time. As she doesn't drive, he goes to pick her up which is a six hour round trip.

She's staying with us throughout xmas/new year and last night DH was talking about his next visit in mid-Jan. For the first time, I got a bit annoyed about it. I'm totally exhausted - we have two DC of our own (toddler and primary school), no family support, and life is busy enough at the best of times. Every time he goes to MIL's I have to take a half day annual leave as he usually does pick up in the latter half of the week so I have to cover (and I don't know how much longer my work will tolerate this). Then it's a whole weekend of looking after the DC on my own, DH comes home exhausted and we are all back to work/school/childcare on Monday morning.

I basically said that MIL is a grown adult capable of making her own decisions and I respect that, but she has to accept that if she won't move closer and won't learn to drive, she isn't going to see as much of DH as she would like to and it's time to start cutting down on the frequency of the visits. DH actually agreed with me but I have been feeling so guilty ever since.

Any thoughts on how to handle? Am I a horrible person? Sad What can we do to make the situation easier and help MIL without making our lives even harder?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/12/2021 08:33

Why does she need to come live near you? Presumably she has a life and a network where she is?

The issue is dh taking very frequent visits which are impacting on family life.

Once a month, leaving after work on a Friday and driving home Sunday evening would be the most I'd "sacrifice" and I'd be sending the dc along with him every now and again.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/12/2021 08:35

YANBU
I get that it’s early days for your mil and your fil’s death will be terribly hard on her. But your mil is also, I presume, relatively fit and well. She, therefore, needs to make things easier on the two of you. She could, for example, get a taxi to a bus or train station and meet one of you on your way home from work.

TheDivineOddity · 22/12/2021 08:38

This is a hard situation for everyone but the frequency of the visits and the six hour round trip lifts (and all the extra hassle that cause your family) cannot go on indefinitely.

You don't say how old or how mobile MIL is op but I'd be surprised if MIL was that remote that she couldn't book a taxi to get her to the nearest train station.

If you continue these arrangements you and DH will be doing MIL a disservice in the long run, it's very early days for her bereavement but at some point you and DH need to be helping her work towards being more independent and encouraging her to expand her social life.

The arrangements you currently have in place are enabling her dependence on you for her social arrangements and from three hours away that's a tough ask.

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/12/2021 08:42

One of dhs aunties passed her test in her 60’s or 70’s, she wanted to see her grandkids more.

Lalliella · 22/12/2021 08:46

Can he not drive up there on a Friday evening after work to at least save you having to take the half day off? YANBU

Swirlywoo · 22/12/2021 08:49

There are some strange comments on this thread. He died a few months ago. I really sympathise with you agree that it's exhausting and that you should not have to take your annual leave so enable this. But that aside, he died suddenly a few months ago, of course they are all in shock and adjusting. I agree with a PP that it's probably helping your DH adjust to his Dad's death (not to mention your MIL) and that while moving somewhere with better PT or near you may be sensible long term she should definitely not make any big decisions in the first year, especially if she doesn't want to and friends in the area who may in time become her support network.

I went to my DM's every 2/3 weeks in the first year after my DF died and so did my friend when her Dad died. I gradually reduced this with time. We had the pandemic so public transport for her to come to us was not an option either. It's normal to help your surviving parent adjust and is not a permanent situation but grief from the loss of your life partner isn't over in a few months. It's not that she has made 'no provision' for dying before him Hmm

BigGreen · 22/12/2021 08:50

Am not sure how rural your MIL is, but any chance an electric bike could help her to reach local friends and amenities?

Vapeyvapevape · 22/12/2021 08:51

You are right, it’s difficult but the longer this goes on the more ingrained it will become and it will be so much harder to stop.

Classicblunder · 22/12/2021 08:51

I think yabu to expect her to do things like learn to drive/move house so soon after her husband has passed away. I also don't think one weekend in three is that many in the grand scheme of things - I see my parents that often and it doesn't feel like loads - the problem is the transport. Surely she can come part of the way in another way - e.g. taxi to station and then train and then your DH picks her up?

Oddbutnotodd · 22/12/2021 08:52

I have read all the comments and agree that a gradual approach is the best way. I lost my husband suddenly but I had teenagers so not quite the same. I had daily phone calls from family and support from friends.
Over time I have gradually built my life back.

It’s a shame that your MIL doesn’t drive. In a year or two when she has got used to her new situation maybe she can move to somewhere more connected.
Ultimately it’s not your husband’s responsibility to be her sole support. He is not a single man. The situation will change over time but it will take time.
Good luck with everything.

rookiemere · 22/12/2021 08:52

Are there any public transport options that would reduce the journey time for DH ?

Sausagedogsarethebest · 22/12/2021 08:52

Is your MIL ok with using technology OP? Maybe your DH could introduce her to Facetime or Zoom if she isn't familiar with it already, so that he can video call her occasionally. It will help lessen the impact of not visiting as often.

SuPerDoPer · 22/12/2021 08:53

He could plan the next visit for half term and take both the kids with him.

It's natural to want to take on the responsibility of our aging parents, we just need to make it work.

Keepitonthedownlow · 22/12/2021 08:56

I think you are being impatient, insensitive and selfish

billy1966 · 22/12/2021 08:57

OP, you were absolutely right to say this.

Taking precious annual leave?

Ridiculous.

Two small children and you work full-time?

Your MIL sounds very selfish that she thinks every third weekend is reasonable.

Even more selfish that she thinks a 6 hour round trip is reasonable.

She needs to think about other people.

Her son has a young family.

She is not infirm.

There is no reason why she can't get public transport/taxi to visit you.

Of course she is shocked, so is your husband.

However, when people have young children a little bit of consideration is not too much to ask.

Perhaps your husband needs to take the children with him.

It might focus his mind more.

Her insisting she lives rurally and not drive has consequences.

For HER.
Not you.

Cocomarine · 22/12/2021 09:02

@Lalliella

Can he not drive up there on a Friday evening after work to at least save you having to take the half day off? YANBU
I was going to post this. At the very least I don’t understand why you’re regularly taking annual leave when you think your employer might not like that, instead of him going up later on Friday night. And you say he’s exhausted - why? 3 hours is less than the weekly commute that many people do. It’s not that long, and he’s just relaxing with him mum in between. I think it needs to change because he’s not with you and that may be tiring for you. Not because it’s “exhausting” for him!
Gottasinggottadance · 22/12/2021 09:03

@janbaby22

I also think that suggesting she move or learn to drive, and then not understanding her reasons why, only a few months after her husband has died is insensitive.
This. Whilst the current situation sounds unsustainable and it's not unreasonable to consider ways to make it easier for you all, it's completely unreasonable of you to expect her to make major life decisions within 3 months of a bereavement. It's advisable not to decide anything such as moving house within a year of being bereaved. Give her some time.
Natty13 · 22/12/2021 09:06

When you got married did he say "forsaking all others" or "forsaking all others apart from my mum"

He's a husband and father first and son second. Its a shit situation and its gut wrenching feeling torn between the 2 as anyone who has been in similar situations knows but this can't continue and the blessing here is that he agrees with you. Do you want your marriage and home life to fester if nothing is done? Of course not so sit down after Christmas and work out what you prefer - cutting down or stopping right away. She is a grown adult who has choices, choices have consequences. Why would she learn to drive when she clearly doesn't have to? If she knows your DH will stop neglecting his family in favour of her she might make different choices.

Notonthestairs · 22/12/2021 09:07

Any house move has to come from her.

What are the most stressful events in anyone's lives? - divorce, bereavements and house moves. Wrapping 2 of the 3 in to less than a few months would only lead to greater dependency not less.

You might assume geographical proximity might make life easier - but there will be a knock on impact (visits at weekends and evenings?).

Don't rush in to solving it - she should be encouraged to come up with a plan.

Besides DH sounds like he's looking to wind things down a bit anyway.

But absolutely the Op shouldn't be losing annual leave - childminders or husband leaves later.

bigbluebus · 22/12/2021 09:07

He needs to sit down with his mother and have a frank discussion about the future. She needs to start talking about how she's going to build a life for herself - I'm assuming she's in her 60's so she could have many years ahead of her. The current set up is not sustainable for you as a family - nor is it right that she relies on you so much. Time to wean her off this very high level of in person support.

mollypuss1 · 22/12/2021 09:08

Im always baffled by people who make a big deal out of a relatively short journey. A 6 hour round trip really isn’t that long. You leave after breakfast and you’re there before lunch! I do that at least twice a month, there and back in a day with a 5 year old in tow to visit my mother and because my DH has a season ticket for his home football team. Why doesn’t he leave Sat morning and come back Sun evening once a month and take the kids with him?

HalfWomanHalfMincePie · 22/12/2021 09:11

I also think her husband has just died so her making decisions about moving and/or learning to drive is just too soon right now.

It's also ok to not be able to sustain this level of visits. Can you and your husband talk (and maybe apologise for being short) and start to plan how this might be slowly reduced back down.

This could start with him not setting off until you're home from work on a Friday. Or even early Saturday morning if it's a traffic thing. 3 hours is really not a HUGE journey - and perfectly doable on Sat morning then back Sun pm (in normal times I 'commute' 3 hours and back in the same day, one day a wekk).

This would also be for her benefit - otherwise the risk is that she goes through one massive change (bereavement), gets used to this new life of constant visits and then it all has to change again. It gives her
afalse impression of whar her life where she is might be, iyswim. Better to ease everyone slowly into something more sustainable long term.

Dozer · 22/12/2021 09:12

You win today’s martyr medal, mollypuss

TimTeleporter · 22/12/2021 09:16

I can't see that he needs to change anything apart from take the toddler with him. He could take the school age one with him if he left after school on a Friday too. He sounds like a supportive son who cares about his family. That's a good thing right. I wouldnt expect her to make life changing decisions months after her loss. Moving house is massive.

EssexLioness · 22/12/2021 09:17

@janbaby22

I also think that suggesting she move or learn to drive, and then not understanding her reasons why, only a few months after her husband has died is insensitive.
I agree with this. There are a range of reasons. She may be too nervous/ just not want to drive. She has years of memories in that area and the home she shared with DH, friends, familiarity. Expecting her to uproot in this way is thoughtless as that would be a huge upheaval and stress on top of grieving the loss of her husband and best friend.

Having said that, I can understand you snapping. The situation sounds tough but I think that is largely your husband’s fault. A 3 hour drive isn’t so bad that he should expect you to take half day off work each time! I travel longer to see family and yes it’s draining but he can do it all in between work. Pack his bags the night before then drive up there straight after work, come back Sunday evening. If he is finding it hard going then gradually cut down the visite